Chapter 1: I am not a good person

I'm not sure what this is.

Let that be an example of what's to come. I'm writing this down but I'm unsure why or even how. I just had thoughts bouncing around in my head that I felt like I needed to write down even if I don't think they are good thoughts. 

That's going to be a recurring theme throughout this “essay?” (Is essay the right term for this? I don't know what I'm going to call it.) Confusion and a doubt in the goodness of oneself. 

All of this to preface this statement on the philosophy of what makes a good person. I will state now I believe a good person is one who does the best they can for the best intentions. 

I am not a good person.

I feel the need to state this because people tell me that I am a good person. Just early this day as I write this I had a coworker tell me I was “the nicest person she had ever met.” I told her that was sad. I am polite to nearly a fault; however, that doesn't mean I'm nice. Polite means I know when to say thank you, I hold the door for those behind me, I stand with a conscious effort for my best posture, and I just try not to be a dick. 

Being polite is a simple matter of performing the right actions, no matter the intention. Nice is different, deeper. 

There is  genuine altruism behind being nice. Polite is detached but with Nice there must be care for fellow humans, creatures, or even the environment. A nice person can be polite but that's not me. I know why I'm polite. It's because I know the impression it leaves on people. I want to cultivate that impression, I want to be known for being polite. I'm also known to smile easily and constantly. I want that to be what people remember about me so I smile, yet it's hard.  

The sad truth is I struggle to smile unconsciously. I don't know why I've just always had a small range of emotional expressions. I just don't unconsciously smile largely so I had to train myself to do it. I only do it because I know it benefits me at no cost. Basically I don't do these things out of niceness thus I'm not nice. 

Weirdly most people don't agree with me.

Before moving on (to what will honestly just be a mindless rant about what makes a good person) I wanna make clear that this stance on myself does not come from one of self loathing. I do not wish to delve into details but I love myself and am proud so yeha. (I misspelled yeah but I'm gonna leave it because I love it more now.) I just have a definition of a good person that excludes me but I'm fine with that. I think good people are rare. 

Delving deep into the philosophy of a good person I want to talk about the argument that altruism doesn't exist. The argument is basically as follows. Altruism is defined as “selfless concern for the well-being of others' ' if you give it a causal google search. I however find the zoology definition very interesting. It states “behavior of an animal that benefits another at its own expense.” Particularly the words ``at its own expense” intrigue me because those words are the crux of the argument that altruism doesn't exist. Humans like me do things to benefit others but it's purely for my own benefit. I don't hold the door open because I don't want you to have to do it(true altruism) but instead because I want to improve my impression in your eyes .(kinda manipulative honestly.) So if every seemingly altruistic act is done for selfish reasons then altruism isn't real.

The problem I have here is defining what is and isn't selfish a thought. My stance on it can be seen through how I make it a point to tell my mother ”I Love you” every day. I was considering the common trope “I wish I had one last goodbye” or more specifically the wish to tell a recently deceased loved one that you love them because you feel it wasn't communicated enough when they were alive. I felt like this trope was selfish because the focus is not on the life of the deceased but the regret of the living. The living character is still the main focus of the drama and that felt selfish to me. In the end I felt like the character felt worse that they failed to say “I love you” before the other died than they did for the actual death. 

I imagined myself in this place of the characters and my mother as the one who died but I tried to shift the focus. I realized something after a good long while of thinking. I wanted my mother to know she was loved in her final moments. So I want to tell her everyday, at every chance, “I love you” until the words even lose meaning because I've said them so much; then she'll never forget that one more person loves her. This Is what I believe is being nice. 

So what makes this rare good person? Let's first define why I'm not. I’ve tried to establish that I'm polite to a fault and displayed that I can be nice so why am I not a good person. I think it goes back to my example on how to be nice, particularly the perspective. I envisioned a scenario and had to consciously focus on how I wanted another person to feel instead of myself. A good person thinks mainly, I believe, in the thoughts of others. They think of other people and their feelings  even when alone. Not constantly, because then you may have an issue, but more often than just when to force yourself to. Good people care for people. 

In the end I think most people think of themselves first, their close ones next, and then maybe of others. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I would classify myself as one of that average. So If I can surround myself with genuinely good people I'll finally look like an asshole.

I dunno how to end this so goodnight I'm going to bed.