Chapter 23: Chapter 23: Lesson in Meditation

“What?” Yaihan said surprised. “Of course you can’t save anyone. Even entire armies with dedicated nursing teams can’t save every soldier on the battlefield. Why are you upset that you can’t keep up with the impossible standard you’ve imposed on yourself?”

“Because, Yaihan,” Lysa inhaled deeply as she stared out the vast, dark expanse of the canyon below. “I see them. All of them.”

“All of who?”

“Those that I couldn’t protect.” Lysa shut her eyes. Tears leaked through her closed lids. “Their faces. They show up every time I close my eyes. Soldiers. Women. Children. They all died in my presence. In my hands.” She wiped away her tears with the back of her arm, only for them to be replaced when she sobbed again. “I’ve failed so many, Yaihan. I… I can’t even count. And with each passing day, the number only grows.”

“Lysa.” Yaihan took hold of the druid’s arm and pulled her in close, this time embracing her in a full hug. “Their deaths are not your fault. Surely you must understand this.”

“No, but I was their only hope, Yaihan. And I failed them,” she sobbed into the cultivator’s chest. “If only I was more versed in the healing arts… then things could have turned out differently.”

“You’ve done more than anyone else has for this army, Lysa. There’s no reason for you to be guilted about those that you couldn’t save.”

“That’s what everyone says, Yaihan. I’ve told Koya about these nightmare visions that haunt me every night. And she said the same thing. I’ve even mentioned my woes to some of the civilians back at camp.” Lysa pulled her head back, her gaze fixated again on the dark abyss. “But no one else seems to understand. The people that I manage to help… I don’t view that as success. Rather… I’m only delaying the inevitable.”

“Everyone is thankful for the work you do. I know you’ve heard this all before, but that won’t stop me from saying it again.” Yaihan held Lysa’s chin and turned it towards him. Her lips trembled as her drowning hazel eyes looked back at the cultivator. “This army is nothing without you.”

“It would be nothing without Fei-Lu. It would be nothing without Koya. Or Cyrus. The other soldiers. And of course, you. Everyone is essential. That’s why my heart falls apart whenever I can’t save someone. Our chances of survival diminish with each of my failures.”

“And now think of Xiwao without you, Lysa,” Yaihan said sternly. “Do you really believe there would be enough survivors to even form a single brigade? Would Fei-Lu and Koya even still be around? I’d probably still be wandering the coast of Xiwao, aimlessly fighting Onis until the end of time.”

The druid lowered her head again. She still sniffled, albeit less. “Thank you for the kind words, Yaihan. Koya said something very similar to me before.”

“Yet you still feel the same way, don’t you?” Yaihan asked with a tone of disappointment. “There are no words that can relieve you of your sorrow.”

“It seems as though only fellow healers understand my woes.” Lysa tilted her head back and looked at the full moon above. “Back when this war first started, there were a few other healers and clerics in our party. Many went mad. The gore. The injuries. Only a few could handle the turmoil. But now that we’ve been pushed further and further back towards the shore and our numbers diminished, the burden that was once split among an entire team has all been put on me.”

“So you experience the trauma several folds.”

Lysa nodded. “Yes. That’s how it feels. I hate to admit it… but I was somewhat relieved not having to heal for once. I… I didn’t have to look at freshly severed limbs… or watch people cough up blood. I could just… relax. But it seems the visions have gotten stronger. And the voices of the deceased only louder. I don’t think I could sleep, no matter how hard I tried.”

Yaihan slumped his shoulders before looking up at the moon with Lysa. “I’m no healer, Lysa. But if there’s one thing that I know for certain, it’s how to cultivate. And there is one core tenant every cultivator must learn.”

“What is that?” Lysa asked. She turned her head and saw Yaihan keep his head tilted towards the sky. He shut his eyes tight while his rested on his lap.

“Do what I do,” Yaihan said quietly without opening his eyes.

Lysa obliged in silence. She sat crisscrossed before carefully placing her hand in the same position; a hand on resting palm-down on either leg. The druid then tilted her head back so her nose angled towards the moon.

“The most essential ability that any cultivator must learn is to clear their mind.”

“Clear my mind?” Lysa asked. She opened one eye and turned it just enough to look at Yaihan. He remained motionless save for his steady breath as if he were a living statue.

“Yes. Clear your mind. And that mean keeping your eyes closed.”

Lysa shut both eyes again. Unlike Yaihan, her entire body trembled. “But that’s when I see them. And hear them. It’s all so… glaring now!”

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“I understand it’s difficult for you, Lysa. But if you want to get through this, you’ll have to follow my steps. Do not open your eyes. Do not change your position.”

“I’ll try,” she said as she closed her eyes.

“Don’t try. Just do it,” he said calmly.

“R-Right.” Lysa tightened her eyes and pursed her lips.

“Now. Ignore what’s going on in your mind. Focus on what’s around you without looking.”

“All right.” Lysa’s trembling slowed.

“The ground beneath your body. The air encompassing your body. The sound of wind in the distance. Just take it all in.”

Lysa remained silent.

“No matter how difficult it may be, you just need to focus on what’s around you. You’ll also have to ignore my words.”

“But… how will I know what to do if I don’t listen to your instructions?” The druid kept her eyes closed as she steadied her breath after asking her question.

“There’s not much to it. Emptying something is easier than filling it, is it not?”

With her eyes still shut, she tilted her head sideways. “I… suppose that’s true. In most cases. Maybe.”

“Trust me, Lysa. It’s only as difficult as you make it out to be.”

The druid readjusted her legs and took in another deep breath.

“Now, no more questions. No more talking,” Yaihan said, still in the same pose as before. “Just embrace the world around you.”

The druid relaxed her muscles. She slowly lowered her head, keeping it level with the ground. Lysa breathed in through her nose and exhaled through her the mouth. All the while, she remained as motionless as the cultivator to her side. Seconds turned into minutes, and those minutes blend into a seamless stream of concentration. Both remained in their meditative state as the silence of the world continued. 

“There we go,” Yaihan said, breaking the quiet. “I think that was a good session. We can’t meditate for too long because we have to watch for Onis. But how do you feel now, Lysa?” He opened his eyes and looked to his side. The druid slumped forward, her arms limp against her lip as she snored softly. 

“Ah, I forgot that she’s just a beginner,” Yaihan whispered. “A common mistake.” He reached for the blanket he brought along with him and placed it to the sleeping woman’s side in a tidy spot on the ground. With both hands he eased her down, so she lay on her side, still resting before wrapping the blanket around her arms. 

“Rest well, Lysa,” Yaihan said quietly. “If anyone deserves it, it’s you.”

The druid moved a bit in the blanket but remained asleep. With Lysa slumbering, Yaihan carried the burden of watching the others alone. He stood up and scanned the area, looking for movement among the infinite expanse of shadows. His ears tuned in to a rumbling from below. There rhythmic shuffling, like footsteps moving across the ground. 

Yaihan took one glance at Lysa and then at the tent not too far away. Not wanting to disturb the rest of the group, the cultivator headed towards the edge of the cliff. He placed both hands on the edge and tilted his ears towards the emptiness below. 

A familiar cackling rose from the canyon. Although faint, the deep laugh of an Oni echoed upwards. Amongst the darkness, a bulky silhouette dodder along the path below. Without hesitation, Yaihan lowered himself into the black pit.

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