Chapter 39: Chapter 39

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t easy. Maybe getting the words out was hard; Sun Fang barely had any idea what he even wanted to say. But—they had to talk. So he would just have to take another breath, try to gather his thoughts and put words to his emotions.

”I’m not in love with you,” Sun Fang said and shit, he really shouldn’t have started with that, right? That was surely a bad start to the conversation. Peeking at Mo Cheng to gauge his reaction, he was relieved to note that Mo Cheng at least seemed like he would keep listening, though his brows were furrowed and he was frowning at Sun Fang.

Sun Fang inhaled sharply. He asked, ”Are you in love with me?”

”I…” Mo Cheng licked his lips, lowering his gaze to his hand in the water. He was frowning as he said, in a low tone, ”I’m not in love with you, either.”

”So then…” Sun Fang let the words hang in the air between them. He crossed his arms over his chest and then scowled, bringing them back down to place them on the floor behind him and leaning back on them. He sighed, pursing his lips. He didn’t look at Mo Cheng as he asked, ”Do you think you can fall in love with me?”

Mo Cheng didn’t say anything for a long moment. Sun Fang decided to cut in before he heard the answer, fearing it might cut deeper than he’d expect. ”I don’t think I’m going to fall in love with you,” Sun Fang said, and the cruelty of putting it that factly struck him. He winced, but still didn’t have the courage to look Mo Cheng in the eyes.

”Oh,” Mo Cheng breathed. ”Well, that’s…” he sounded bewildered, but Sun Fang still wouldn’t look. Finally, Mo Cheng said, ”Are you breaking up with me?”

”Yes, I think so,” Sun Fang answered. He sat up straight and pressed a hand over his eyes, annoyed. He couldn’t tell if this conversation was going well or not. How cruel was he being? Too cruel? Not cruel enough? Were all break ups inherently cruel or was he doing it wrong? He gulped and said, ”I think we should break up,” just so that the words would exist in their entirety. It felt a little better that way.

He finally turned his head to look at Mo Cheng. The beta was still frowning, but he wasn’t yelling or denying anything to trying to change Sun Fang’s mind so… did he agree? Did he, too, think there was no future for them?

It wasn’t like there needed to be. That wasn’t the problem. Staying together and only thinking of the now was fine, having fun without any concerns for the future was fine but—that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that Sun Fang was not in love with Mo Cheng now, and he had tried. He didn’t think he would fall in love with him in the future. And he had fun with Mo Cheng and enjoyed spending time with him, but it didn’t feel romantic in nature.

Had it ever?

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”I like you,” Sun Fang said, the words slipping from him. Mo Cheng looked up, gazing straight at him. Sun Fang couldn’t read that look (when he thought about it, could he read any of Mo Cheng’s looks?) so he simply kept talking, ”I like spending time with you; I enjoy watching movies with you and going shopping and doing other stuff. I have fun with you. I want to keep doing those things with you. But I’m not in love with you.”

Mo Cheng exhaled sharply. He looked out at the water, leaning away from Sun Fang a little. ”Okay,” he said. He rubbed a hand through his short hair and sighed. ”Okay,” he repeated and slumped his shoulders down. ”You’re right,” said Mo Cheng, not looking anywhere near Sun Fang. ”I am probably never going to fall in love with you. I like you, too, but… you’re right. Perhaps it would have been better if we’d just started as friends.”

”I don’t regret that,” Sun Fang said, a little harsher than intended. But he wanted to be clear about this. ”There’s nothing wrong in dating a person and not falling in love with them. I asked you out, you said yes, and we tried. It just didn’t happen. We can keep dating; romantic love isn’t a necessary component in a relationship. But I don’t think… that that’s the kind of relationship I want to have with you.”

Mo Cheng exhaled. ”I don’t know what to say,” he mumbled. 

”I’m sorry,” Sun Fang offered. He, too, didn’t know what to say. After university, after Mianmian, he hadn’t really been in any serious, long-term relationships. There’d been flings but then he’d gotten engaged to Marcus and then, well—he’d never actually been all that interested in dating in the first place.

”You don’t have to apologize,” Mo Cheng said. He climbed to his feet and scratched the back of his neck. Sounding tired, he was frowning a little as he said, ”I understand.”

Did he? Because Sun Fang was starting to realize that he didn’t really understand Mo Cheng at all. What did he know about him? Hardly anything, it felt like. ”Do you still want to be friends?” Sun Fang asked, looking up at the beta. He wet his lips and tensed his jaw, waiting for an answer.

Mo Cheng turned away from him. ”Of course I want to be friends with you, I just… need some time,” he said, dragging his hand through his hair. ”I’m going to go home now,” Mo Cheng added, already beginning to walk away. ”I’ll call you,” he left behind as he walked back into Sun Fang’s apartment and stalked through it to the front door. 

The distance was too great but Sun Fang still imagined that he could hear the door banging shut. He winced, pressed his hands over his face, and groaned. 

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