Chapter 96: Chapter 96

Sun Fang finally managed to gather himself some minutes later, but he was still half-crying. His eyes were wet and dry and stung fiercely, and he feared that he had the beginning of a savage headache pounding in the back of his skull, but he refused to give up now. It hurt too much, it was too painful—he couldn’t do this again. 

He just… couldn’t.

Sniffling loudly, rubbing his eyes with his hands, he cleared his throat multiple times in a row, coughing softly. He tried to swallow his tears, the taste of salt on his tongue. He tried to keep himself in one piece.

Mianmian didn’t look any better, when Sun Fang looked at him again. Mianmian’s eyes were puffy and red, and his makeup smudged around his eyes. He was biting on his thumb, and he stared at Sun Fang with wide eyes. Sun Fang gulped, swallowing the little saliva in his mouth, and he forced himself to sit up straighter.

”I…” he started, leaving the sentence hanging as he wondered what to say next. That he was sorry? He’d already said that. That he regretted hurting Mianmian so obviously just now? That he didn’t mean it, that he could never mean it? (That would hurt worse, somehow.) …In the end, he simply said, ”I’m moving planets. To Firelight. I’ve already bought a house and everything and I think… I think it’d be good for me, a good change of pace.”

Mianmian’s lip wobbled, and Sun Fang’s wobbled in response, and Mianmian said, ”I hope it goes well, then, the moving. If you… if you think you’ll be happy there, I would never try to interfere. I also—” Mianmian took a deep breath. ”I also just want you to be happy,” he said, his voice clogged and wet.

Sun Fang nodded, ignoring the stinging that had started up in his eyes again. ”I know.” He clenched his eyes shut and couldn’t stop himself from saying, ”I don’t want to lose you again.”

Mianmian’s laugh was wet and sickly and sad. Everything about this was so—sad. Sun Fang’s throat burned and he pressed a hand to his eyes and felt water meet him. He was crying again, huh. It was really just… too much for him.

”I don’t want to lose you,” Sun Fang repeated. He kept his eyes shut, in some weird hope that if he couldn’t see Mianmian, Mianmian couldn’t see him. He choked on a wicked laugh, ”I love you. I don’t want to lose you again. But I—can’t. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts, too much. I love you too much and it hurts, Mianmian.” Opening his eyes, he started at Mianmian with tears running freely over his cheeks. He choked on the words, ”I don’t want to hurt anymore, Mianmian.”

”A’Fang…” Mianmian’s voice sounded just as choked up as Sun Fang’s, his eyes just as pained. ”I’m sorry.” Mianmian shook his head. He leaned forward to the screen and his face was painfully open as he said, ”I’m sorry for marrying your cousin. I’m sorry for clinging to you anyway. I’m sorry for holding on, too. I’m sorry for not letting you move on. I’m sorry for trying to keep you, even while I married and had a child with someone else. I am… so fucking sorry, Sun Fang.”

Sun Fang sniffled loudly, Mianmian’s apologies jumbling up in his brain. He shook his head. ”I think…” he forced out, the words cutting his throat, ”that I—that we, shouldn’t speak for awhile.” He lowered his gaze to the floor, unable to keep looking at Mianmian. He mumbled, ”I think we need some time apart.”

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There was only silence in response. He tried not to let the silence, the quiet, scrape his bones bare. Tried not to breathe it in, tried not to let it cut his chest wide open and tear his heart in two.

(What the fuck was left?)

(What more was there to say?)

Mianmian’s breath was loud in the silence. Sun Fang’s were, too. It was a sharp, stinging silence that only made his tears colder, his heart lonelier. It left him broken, open and raw and bleeding on the flooring of his own home. He laughed, for some reason, the sound echoing throughout the room, and the sound hitting his ears with the force of a hurricane.

Entangling his hands in the blanket, he held it up to his face and rubbed his eyes and cheek viciously with it, trying to get all the tears and snot out of him. He felt—he didn’t know. Everything was a jumbled mess.

”I—” Mianmian stopped and took a deep breath, brushing his hands over his own hair. He shook his head and said, ”I only want the best for you. So if you want space, you’ll have space.”

”But you agree with me that we need to move on, right?” Asked Sun Fang, a breathless anticipation curling in his gut, his fingers clenching around the blanket. His hands were pale, with the veins starkly visible on them when he glanced down. Why did it matter what Mianmian thought? Sun Fang needed space and time and the ability to not be overwhelmed by Mianmian’s presence. But somehow… he still wanted Mianmian to reassure him.

Mianmian’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he squeezed out, voice hoarse and stuffy with emotions, ”I love Deng Xi, and Casey, and you…” Pausing, Mianmian bit his lip, eyes getting that teary sheen again. He said, ”But you are right. We should… move on. Our relationship—is long over. And we shouldn’t—cling to the past. Or we can’t be happy in the present.”

Sun Fang nodded, his nose stinging again, sniffling as his eyes were not he edge of overflowing once more. He nodded again, and he pressed a hand to his mouth as he drew the blanket up over his nose. ”Okay,” he muttered into his skin. He choked on a breath, nodded again, and said, ”Okay.”

He took a deep breath, feeling it course through his chest like a river. Mianmian stared back at him with just as much pain as Sun Fang felt.

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