Chapter 13: 13

Hye-rim was anxious.

When I drank and watched the movie together with Yoon-woo, thanks to Ji-eun, everything seemed to flow like a breeze.

We took two classes together, did homework together, ate together, drank together, and watched a movie together.

Isn’t this enough to be called close friendship by anyone?

So I wanted to pour out everything I wanted to do when I got close to Yoon-woo and everything I’ve endured for 10 years.

Chatting while eating together, studying together for exams, looking at flowers together, and hanging out together. I want to do it all.

But things didn’t go as well as I thought.

Why hasn’t it changed since last week?’

Yoon-woo went to his house saying he had to eat the leftover salad.

Hye-rim honestly didn’t think of this situation.

Hye-rim really didn’t have an ax disease, but so far, most men around Hye-rim have tried to make appointments with Hyerim whenever they had time, and Hye-rim was busy avoiding it by that disease excuse. But, if she took initiative and called someone, they would come to her no matter what. So, she had never been rejected by anyone.

[ Ax disease: Axial Spondyloarthritis is a chronic, inflammatory rheumatic disease that affects the axial skeleton, causing severe pain, stiffness and fatigue. The disease typically starts in early adulthood, a critical period in terms of education and beginning a career path ]

Hye-rim came to the classroom thinking about which restaurant she should go with Yoon-woo and what kind of food Yoon-woo would like.

But the reason why he refused was because of the salad that passed its expiration date.

It was shocking that she was pushed back by a salad that passed its expiration date, but it was also shocking that he lived by eating such things.

I heard it’s hard to eat outside for him because of the lack of living expenses, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad…….

Can’t I just buy you a meal everyday? Honestly, I have a lot of money.

Her father was a person who showed his love and care by spending a lot of money on her.

Since I started living alone, that sense of responsibility has become worse.

Not only did the monthly allowance exceed 1 million won, but money also came from a shop named Hye-rim.

Whether I like it or not, the money kept coming in anyway. So, I wanted to save some money and spend the rest on my living expenses. But, I didn’t have much money to spend other than eating, so there’s always some money left.

It’d be great to go around and eat with Yoon-woo and drink together and buy him clothes.

Yoon-woo probably hasn’t traveled abroad, so wouldn’t it be fun if we went together?

“That’s not true, Hye-rim, thanks to you, I got some tteokbokki and had a great weekend, and I didn’t throw away the salad because of you.….”

The answer that came back somehow felt like that I was finding an excuse to eat with him. That’s a Yoon-woo-like answer.

But, can’t you just accept what I give you and hang out with me?

If you stay home because you don’t have any money, when will you hang out with me?

But Yoon-woo is nice…… If I continue making plans like this, he will stop refusing after some time.

With that thought, Hye-rim became patient and kept talking to Yoon-woo.

On Wednesday, the economics class ended and it was lunch time.

“Yoon-woo, how are you today? Ji-eun and I are supposed to go eat bong cho-su dumplings today. Will you come with us? I’m buying, so don’t feel burdened.….”

‘It’s a burden because you’re buying.’

Yoon-woo thought. Since last Monday, Hye-rim has been wanting to buy him a meal, but he felt too pressured.

I was trying hard to pay Ji-eun back for drinks and a meal next month so I didn’t want to have a new debt which I don’t know how long it would take to pay back.

I thought you would stop suggesting it if I kept rejecting it.

Two days have passed since he rejected Hye-rim’s plan on Monday. So, the excuse with the salad’s expiration date will not work.

It’s past the actual date, so she’ll tell me to throw it away.

But today there was a more plausible reason.

“I’m sorry, Hye-rim. I have prior plans for today.”

“With whom?”

Hye-rim’s smile disappeared and her forehead was distorted.

She seemed to be trying to raise the corners of her mouth, but she couldn’t hide her displeasure.

Yoon-woo regretted choosing the wrong word, although he would feel bad if he made an excuse like that to eat alone.

“Is it…. is it a woman? Do you have a girl to eat salad with?”

“Oh, no. What do you mean a woman? I’m going to the hospital. The doctor is a woman. Haha…….”

Surprised by Hye-rim’s sarcastic tone and cold voice, Yoon-woo hurriedly gave a reason.

It was true. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist at 1 o’clock today.

“Hospital? Yoon-woo, are you sick? Do you have a cold?”

Fortunately, Hye-rim’s expression and voice soon changed when he revealed his destination.

Instead, she asked Yoon-woo in a worried tone.

“No… It’s just a regular hospital. I have a reservation at one o’clock.”

“Couldn’t you tell me if you were sick or something before making a reservation?”

I didn’t want to say it, but I couldn’t say no to Hye-rim who seemed really worried about me.

“Uh…… I just haven’t been sleeping lately……I’m going to the psychiatry department.”

Yoon-woo was not good at lying. And, it was not completely a lie because there are sleeping pills in the medicine he takes.

These days, even if some people go to the psychiatrist’s department, you don’t treat them like mental patients right away, but it’s no good to tell her that I’m taking medicine for depression.

Even on the Internet, if you say you had depression, they will only be

‘Shouldn’t you be lying on the bed if you’re depressed? You still have the power to touch your phone. ‘ or ‘ Stay Positive! Change your mind ‘ sentences.There will only be people who give such sarcastic remarks or useless advice.

No matter who the person is, it’s best not to say anything to the other about your depression.

“Yoon-woo, did you know that doctors at our college can also prescribe sleeping pills? You don’t have to book a psychiatrist far from school.”

Of course I know.bBut, I didn’t know that you would know that.

“Is it something else? Can’t you consult with me? I don’t have any prejudice, so I really want to help Yoon-woo no matter what you’re struggling with.….”

The foolishness of accepting these words sincerely has already been abandoned by Yoon-woo, a second grader in elementary school, next to a collapsing snowman.

“No, the economy is bad these days. Most people are all depressed, aren’t they? That’s why I’m just taking medicine. So don’t worry.”

Do I think they’re all depressed? Actually, I don’t know, but they say so.

Will Hye-rim be depressed, too? I think Hye-rim will be excited just by looking at herself in the mirror.

“Yoon-woo……, but…….”

“I think I need to hurry up and go. I have to go home and pack my stuff before I go to the hospital. And, if you don’t leave soon, Bongcho-su will be gone soon. There’s always a lot of people there.”

It was a shop that was immediately visible when I left the building every time there was an economics class, so I saw it often while passing by.

“…….”

“See you in fifth period.”

Yoon-woo said Hye-rim to see in the fifth period. Then, he turned away from her and escaped from the crowd like running away.

I didn’t want to see her face. What if she is a good person who really cares about me?

Actually, he hated it more.

What annoys a person trapped in a cave with no end in sight is not the darkness of the cave, but the dimly visible light of the exit.

If there is no light or wind, they will think about how to live in this dark cave, find food and find water, but a handful of hope that there is an escape makes humans unable to give up and keep wandering.

And eventually it pushes them into a deep abyss of despair.

So Yoon-woo decided not to find a way out from the cave a long time ago.

No matter who Hye-rim is, it will have no effect on Yoon-woo’s plan to die in three years.

“Yoon-woo, how have you been feeling?”

“It is the same.”

“It’s been a while since college started, is there anyone you’ve gotten close to? Don’t you want to join a club or something?”

“Nothing.”

Yoon-woo still answered the doctor’s useless questions.

The dose of the prescribed medication has not decreased today.

“Hey, Yoon-woo is too cold. What should I do?”

Hye-rim, who sat facing J-ieun at Bongcho-su’s dumpling, who recommended Yoon-woo to go earlier with her, told Ji-eun.

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“Hye-rim. You are too cold to me. What should I do?”

“No, take it seriously, sister.”

“I’m asking you seriously, too. When you eat delicious dumplings like this, you can add a bottle of fruit wine, right?”

“Your father’s number is…… 010- 5129-…….”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. What did Yoon-woo say?

“Yoon-woo seems to be hiding too many things from me.”

“In what way?”

“I want Yoon-woo to talk about all his worries and rely on me, but he seems to draw a sharp line saying, ‘I’m not in that kind of relationship with you’…and no matter what I say or do he doesn’t change…….which makes me sad”

“He’ll do that to anyone, not just you.”

“I don’t have any issues if he does that to anyone but just not me.”

“It hasn’t been long since you two met.”

“Then will it be different if we hang out together regularly?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then what?”

“Hye-rim, this may sound rude, but Yoon-woo is probably a child who didn’t receive much love from his family and friends while he grew up.”

“Do you think so too?”

“Yeah, that’s the impression I got after watching the movie on Sunday. You see, it’s weird for such a tall, pretty-looking boy to run around the campus and lay low by staying away from others, right? If I were another freshman, I’d already be crazy about sexuality.….”

“Unnie!”

“Well, anyway. People who grew up without love when they were young have a hard time giving love to others, and they can’t accept the love that others give them.”

“How do you know that?”

“One day while drinking I watched a documentary that said something like that.”

“Then……?”

“We should hangout once in a while keeping a certain distance like last weekend, shouldn’t we?”

“That’s not gonna make a difference, is it?”

“He doesn’t seem to have a lot of time and money, and he shuts himself when others approach him, so it’s hard to flirt with him like everyone else. If I were another guy right now, I’d have thought of my grandchild’s name when you asked me to drink, and there will be awkwardness while speaking with you inevitably…….”

“Do men ever think like that of me or am I not attractive to just him?”

“That’s not true…I guess he just can’t think of it.”

“Can’t I make him think that?”

“Well, why don’t you go naked and jump in, hehe…… Huh…… Hye-rim? Are you listening to me?”

“Yes.”

“Then why aren’t you arguing……I’m surprised.”

“Anyway, aren’t you saying I should be more blatant?”

“Huh? That’s what I meant.….”

“You’re right…… I think I screwed up when I was in fourth grade. I should’ve just flirted with him.”

“Hye-rim? Calm down. I didn’t say that.”

“Thank you, unnie. I think I’ve cleared my thoughts a bit. Now I’m just going to do what I want and tell him what I want to say.”

“You don’t listen to me… Anyway, if you’re grateful, can I order a bottle of fruit wine?”

“No.”

“Why wouldn’t you let me when I’m paying?… Oh, okay, I won’t talk about that anymore. Just, calm down.”

Ji-eun thought Hy-erim was becoming a strict mother, but she was scared to look at her, so she quietly ate dumplings without saying anything.

Hye-rim seemed to be a little sensitive after talking with Yoon-woo.

She’s still a good junior and a good friend, but I’m a little scared.

Yoon-woo’s psychiatric consultation ended in 10 minutes.

Thinking that he should take the medicine on his way home after class, Yoon-woo put his prescription in his bag and headed to the lecture room.

I don’t know why I have to come every two weeks when you’re going to be like this.

It would be convenient if you could just give me medicine for a month or two.

“Yoon-woo! Did you have a good trip?”

When Yoon-woo entered the classroom, Hye-rim next to him greeted him with a smile.

Even though there was 30 minutes left before class, she’s sitting here already.

As she greeted him, Hye-rim handed Yoon-woo coffee and macarons again like last week.

“Hye-rim? Why did you……?”

“Thanks to Yoon-woo, I got extra points, and… I think Yoon-woo is having a hard time.…. So I brought this to cheer you up!”

“Oh, thank you, but you gave it to me last week, didn’t you? It’s a bit of a burden if you keep giving me things like this.….”

“Are you feeling pressured? Yoon-woo? From me?”

It was an embarrassing question.

“Huh? Huh? Uh…… Well, macarons are expensive, aren’t they? To be honest, I don’t have much money, so I can’t repay Hye-rim even if I get this…….”

“You don’t have to pay me back. I told you this is a reward.”

“No, then I’ll feel like I’m indebted.”

“Why would you feel indebted by taking it from me?”

“Uh……?”

Hye-rim’s words are weird.

It was hard to find an answer because she held his tongue in a strange way.

“So in the end, Yoon-woo doesn’t like me because I’m burdensome?”

“Huh? Hye-rim? What’s wrong with you all of a sudden?…? When did I say I didn’t like you…….”

“It’s 1:30 now, isn’t it, Yoon-woo? You said you had an appointment at the hospital at 1 o’clock, right? Only 30 minutes to walk back here after consulting? Then, it is about 15 minutes from Anam Station to the Business Management University. So it looks like a hospital not too far away.The class ended at 11:45, so we had plenty of time, but even then you refused to have lunch with me… … . You don’t like me, do you?”

Hye-rim spoke in a quiet voice, but there were tears around her eyes and her voice was shaking, so I felt like she was about to cry.

Yoon-woo had never faced this situation before, and he didn’t know what to do because he didn’t expect Hyerim, the cool insider, to say this.

Before other students came in, I had to soothe Hye-rim no matter what.

“No, Hye-rim. Why would I not like you? Never.”

“Then why did you do that at lunch?”

“Hye-rim, I really didn’t have enough money for food. I was going to eat my salad and tuna that I bought at home. I really didn’t mean anything else.”

“Why are you talking about food bills? I told you I’d buy it for you!”

“I’ll be indebted if I keep getting that…… Ah…….”

“So, Yoon-woo doesn’t like me because I’m a burden for you.”

Hye-rim’s voice was loud. It was crazy logic, but it was also undeniable logic for Yoon-woo.

“No, Hye-rim. That’s not it…….”

“What if it’s not? Aren’t you going to say no next time when I say I’ll buy it for you?”

However, Hye-rim opened the way for conversation unexpectedly quickly.

Thinking of avoiding the situation, Yoon-woo accepted the remark without much thought.

“Yes, I won’t. I’ll never do it, so please calm down…….”

“Yes, okay! Then, Yoon-woo, see you tonight?”

“Huh? Today?”

“No? You don’t like me?”

“Oh, no, no, no. It’s not like that, Hye-rim.”

Hye-rim smiled as if she hadn’t been angry when Yoon-woo answered.

Yoon-woo leaned against the chair and thought about what was going on throughout the class.

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