Chapter 2: 2

“It’s better to exercise than to be alone at home. Why don’t you exercise around three times a week? That way, you’ll feel better and refreshed.”

The psychiatrist said so and recommended exercise. Yoon-woo didn’t really want to feel good.

The reason why I first visited the psychiatry department is because I couldn’t concentrate while I read or take classes since I entered college.

After answering a long questionnaire containing 500 questions, the doctor said Yoon-woo has depression and the stage is quite serious.

Yoon-woo didn’t know how to accept the doctor’s words.

Depression? But that is Life.

If you call it a disease then the whole world will be full of sick people.

The only people who are not depressed are the chosen ones.

Yoon-woo had been gloomy all his life, and Yoon-woo’s feelings were of little importance to anyone, even to himself.

More than that, I had to regain my concentration.

I had already disappointed my parents with the result of the entrance exam, but I couldn’t even fail my grades.

‘You didn’t get to a nice college, and you don’t even follow those college classes now? You are such a disappointment.’ My parents will surely be tired of me.

“All I want is to be able to keep up with my classes. I don’t care if I feel better or not.”

The doctor sighed when she saw Yoon-woo like that.

“If you get out of depression, concentration will also return, and to do so, it is effective to exercise, and why don’t you look for fun sports activities?”

If he said so, there was no reason for Yoon-woo to not listen to the doctor.

In the first place, Yoon-woo was very passive and obedient, so he could not disobey what others told him to do for no particular reason.

So, I found a gym in the school.

My parents provided me with the lowest living expenses, including the monthly rent of my own room.

The tuition was covered by scholarships.

Originally, Yoon-woo was going to earn money by working part-time, but his parents told him to study or build other specifications at that time.

For a long time, my parents didn’t really like me, so they didn’t spare money on my education.

How difficult is it to spend money on people you don’t like? If you think about it like that, I’m really thankful for them.

It was not right to commit suicide without paying back even the lowest amount to repay their kindness. Therefore, before he died, he had to make up the fact that Yoon-woo was a promising figure with high academic achievements and that his parents had no influence on his death.

In the meantime, it is not possible to invest a lot of money or time in sports activities.

Compared to those luxurious activities, the school gym was well-equipped with necessary facilities, and with the student ID, it was available at an exceptional price of 45,000 won per month.

In addition, there were no strict standards such as the daily entry limit.

So, Yoon-woo always went to exercise every morning and went back in the evening if he could afford it.

Holding a can of beer, watching videos and drinking with Bunny has become increasingly difficult, both in time and money.

Even 45,000 won was not a small amount for Yoon-woo, and it was hard to exercise the next morning if I drank at night.

Bunny told me that it’s okay not to overdo it with her, but I still bought a can of cheap beer because I wanted to talk with Bunny on Saturday.

Obviously, exercising refreshed my head, so I couldn’t think of anything else when I was studying.

The only exercises Yoon-woo did during the semester were burpee testing, push-ups, and pull-ups.

I heard that weight training was effective, but I don’t want to have a nice body nor can I do it perfectly by watching exercises on WeTube where exercises were done in many different ways.

During the semester, I paid attention only to time-effectiveness.

In addition, the school gym had limited weight equipment, so there were a lot of people waiting.

The Burpee Test was very simple in this regard, and it was very difficult to exercise, so it was perfect for Yoon-woo’s taste.

Unexpectedly, Yoon-woo was pretty good at pull-ups even though he had never exercised before. Because Yoon-woo didn’t usually eat well, he weighed very little.

Anyway, at the end of the first semester, Yoon-woo was able to get good grades without any difficulty, and he had a pretty good figure.

However, there were many cases where I couldn’t resist hunger because of exercise, so I stopped eating at the student’s cafeteria, purchased high-cost protein foods such as pork back legs and mild tuna, and ordered a salad for 2,700 won per meal.

It was cheaper than eating at a student’s cafeteria.

In fact, the college had been advertising that it would change the student’s cafeteria to a buffet style since I entered the school, but didn’t. The meal at the cafeteria was not cost-effective for me. It was a fixed lunch and for me, who had a small appetite, paying 5,000 won was too much.

“See? Working out makes a lot of difference, doesn’t it? How do you feel?”

The doctor always asked useless questions.

Yoon-woo didn’t want to answer such silly questions because if he felt good or working out made a lot of difference then he didn’t have to go to a psychiatrist anymore, right?

Although the medicine that helps to get me a nice sleep was good, it was too costly and also this medical treatment was expensive.

However, the doctor said that it is difficult to stop taking the medicine at once and should be reduced gradually, so I should visit him for the time being.

Considering that, the amount of medicine did not decrease much, and every time I met the doctor, I was drowsy because he said a lot of useless things.

“It’s not good to be alone. Why don’t you join a club and make some close friends?”

Yoon-woo obeyed others unless there was a special reason, this time there was a special reason not to follow the doctor’s instructions.

Joining a club meant I would have to spend my time and the limited amount of money that my parents gave me, which I can’t afford to waste, in a club for drinking.

Besides, there hasn’t been anyone who liked me so far, and I don’t expect for a miracle to happen in the club, so why should I consider joining a club? Also, I’m gonna be dead in three years.

Yoon-woo told his parents that he was planning to go to the army as an officer right after graduation.

I was going to graduate as soon as possible and die right away.

Of course, you can’t tell a psychiatrist about this. I might be hospitalized the moment I say it.

“Yes, I’ll try.”

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I didn’t say ‘I will’ as I was not going to

During the summer vacation after the end of the first semester, the school gym had a very pleasant environment since many students left for their home.

There were only one or two people in the weight training zone, which was always crowded.

As the day got boring, Yoon-woo was thinking of learning weight training by watching WeTube.

It would be too suffocating to go to my parents’ house and spend time with them, and the old-fashioned air conditioner in my dorm room didn’t work well, and the electricity bill was high, so I didn’t want to turn it on.

I went to the school reading room because it was painful to spend a day in a small and hot room, but since I was going to die after graduation anyway, I was confused about what to study.

Death is the only thing that comes to my mind when I am idle. Whenever I don’t do any activity, my mind would be filled with hateful memories of myself.

As a result, my feet naturally led me to the school gym.

Back when the semester was ongoing, I wanted to finish exercising as quickly as possible and leave the gym but contrary to that, now I did exercises for as long and as slowly as possible.

Reaching my room, I wanted to fall asleep right away before feeling the heat and sweat.

The psychiatrist said I would feel better if I exercised, he was half right and half wrong.

Certainly, while exercising, I was able to escape the vague anxiety and self-loathing that came to myself, but it was only a brief escape during my time at the gym, it did not change my usual life.

Just after finishing exercises, I would get all anxious entering the shower room. Thoughts like how would my weak body look in front of the fit and handsome seniors, would they make fun of me or not and such depressing things would invade my mind.

Would they also give me a nickname like Scarecrow which I got in high school and make fun of me?

He came to this college because he wanted to be healthy and make many friends to exercise with who were good at studying. This was his desire since Yoon-woo couldn’t get into Shun University even if he studied hard.

Emotions of self-loathing constantly invaded  Yoon-woo’s mind. They only stopped  when he was either struggling to move his body or when he was sleeping.

So, when there were a lot of people, I used to go out of the gym and take a shower at home as soon as I finished exercising.

There were not many people in the gym during the summer vacation, so there was no need to do that.

Sometimes, I could relax and watch WeTube to practice weight exercises such as deadlift and back squat.

However, when someone came, which was very rare, Yoon-woo did what he had been doing in a hurry and ran away.

It’s obvious that the gym room which had been noisy suddenly became eerily serious because of the appearance of certain someone

Men who were exercising while chatting with their friends suddenly got silent, and the speed of the treadmill got faster.

People who were weight-lifting suddenly increased their weight and pushed their limits.

This was funny because their intentions were clearly visible and men can’t keep their cool in front of a woman.

She was a beautiful college girl in tight yoga pants and a sports tank top.

It is said that wearing sportswear makes it look much smaller than it really is, but nevertheless, everyone could see her extraordinary beauty at a glance.

The elasticity of her strong hip muscles and long leg muscles behind her broad pelvis was showing how hard she was exercising.

Some of the flubbing fat on her sides or thighs may be one of the reasons she works hard at the gym, but the flesh has rather doubled her bewitching beauty.

Her small round face had a docile and good impression, and somehow resembled a celebrity who was every man’s first love, who previously advertised for soju.

She worked out in the weight training zone in earnest, instead of going back after only doing treadmill like any other woman.

Men weren’t the only ones to take glimpses of her sweaty figure with long straight tied hair  swinging lustrously on her back exposing her neck.

Her beautiful, refreshing appearance picking up the barbell caught everyone’s attention.

She was such an unrivalled person.

So, Yoon-woo was uncomfortable with her.

Why would someone like that attend this school?

She was the chosen one. Just someone born to be loved.

There are people who hurt themselves and beg on their knees to get a single moment of attention and affection.

For chosen ones like her, just existing in this world gets them so much attention and affection.

And yet she treats this all affection as trash.

Maybe she’ll crush everyone’s heart just sparing the best ones.

Yoon-woo feels miserable whenever he sees her.

Yoon-woo who has never been loved in his life. A person that has already given up on being loved and is waiting to die.

And a person who is full of love and attention when she just exists has the same educational background as him and even works out so hard… Yoon-woo couldn’t accept this.

Recently, Yoon-woo managed to learn the deadlift posture and could barely lift 105 pounds, and that woman was lifting 100 pounds.

As a man Yoon-woo was embarrassed that he could only do 5 pounds more than a woman.

She was a person whose existence itself makes a mockery of Yoon-woo’s entire life and his beliefs.

Even for a man’s instinctive desire which cannot be fulfilled by such a person, even just looking at her made Yoon-woo feel miserable.

So, he remembered the time she was coming, and tried not to go to the gym at that time, but to his annoyance, the time she was exercising was random.

Just going to the gym as early as possible and praying for her to wake up late seemed to be the most likely thing to happen.

The day I meet her at the gym, my mood would hit rock bottom, and I would contact Bunny at night.

Since Yoon-woo, who was cautious, refused to tell Bunny what his identity was, he could not lament by explaining in detail what had happened that day.

However, when Yoon-woo made a voice chat, she said, “Today was the best. I ordered something from somewhere and ate it. I didn’t like the delivery man as he woke me up from my sleep but I loved the food.”

I was relieved to hear Bunny talking like that.

Come to think of it, the only person I talked to during this whole summer vacation was Bunny except for the convenience store staff.

I think it’s the best decision to die with Bunny.

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