Chapter 35: 35

Paranoid Love Affair

Episode 35

‘Which man in the world would hate you?’

‘A man like Yoon-woo.’

Having said that, I thought he really might be. I really thought that he might hate me… … .

Cho Hye-rim from a 4th grade elementary school, definitely must’ve bought his hatred.

So, I didn’t tell Yoon-woo that I was the same person from that time, and he didn’t seem to know that yet.

Nevertheless, it was very difficult for me to become close with Yoon-woo.

‘I am pretty.’

When I think about my appearance, I don’t think I’m proud of having that, much less to feel arrogant.

However, because of that, I am also not sure how much I have benefited compared to others in my life.

People only know their own lives, so when looking at and comparing with others’ lives, they have no choice but to use their lives as a standard.

But, it is almost impossible to objectively evaluate how much better or worse one’s life is by weighing and thinking in one’s mind.

Still, many people say that, of course, I will naturally live a better life than them, and that I will get a lot of benefits from my appearance.

In the eyes of others, so-called handsome or beautiful people are limited in expressing their problems out loud because of the advantages they get from their faces.

A lot of people are saying, “Hye-rim must be happy.” Because they thought that all men were on my side. And, they think it’s natural for me to say the same thing with a smile.

However, if I make a noise like, ‘It’s hard because men are so annoying,’ they will turn into a swarm of bees and will start to sting me.

Of course, I didn’t do that because I don’t want to deal with their complaints.

However, I hated it when people, who didn’t even know the sadness and hardships I experienced in my life, talked carelessly about the benefits that I received from my appearance.

If they don’t even try to understand my life anyway, I hope they don’t say anything about me.

But people talk about others too easily and casually.

In particular, those who consider themselves uglier and unhappier than others seem to think that their situation can justify their jealousy and make sarcastic remarks about what others have.

So, since I am a good person in their opinion, they also think that I should be willing to bear with them if they want to talk about me.

That is why people like me should be much more careful in front of others.

Just like you don’t know you’re pretty, just like you want to get along well with anyone, you have to be humble in everything you do and be indifferent to whatever they say sometimes.

But, they should also know the fact that the more easily you win the favor of others, the easier it is to be hated.

But there was no one who told me in advance that it had to be so.

My parents raised me with their love, and sent me to a school that taught an education that was universally applicable to all children.

‘You are a special person, so you have to be more careful about your actions. Otherwise, you’ll get seriously hurt.’ No one has said that fact even when I reached 4th grade.

When I was a 4th grade student at the elementary school, I was not a rude child.

I was a cute child who was polite and witty with words.

But I showed my feelings too easily at that time.

By observing my eyes a little bit, everyone could know that I only looked at Yoon-woo and treated other children like stones on the side of the road.

Unfortunately, there were a lot of people who looked up to me from a young age.

The children didn’t miss the chance to trample on the unlucky Yoon-woo, who took all of my attention, but after they found that I paid no attention to him anymore, they left him and chased after me again.

The children who begged for my attention with their light hearts, destroyed that innocent heart with a light move.

‘He got ridiculed by everyone,’ I thought.

I also thought it was too unfair. Most people don’t get any attention even if they act arbitrarily according to their desires, but strangely, they are trying to find faults from the others even if the other is innocent by making every move and setting every kind of standard for them to get only my attention.

But, do they think I can do anything I want just because I’m a girl named Hye-rim?

Do they think I can have everything I want just because I’m beautiful ?

I only wanted Yoon-woo, but I couldn’t get along with him.

Because of the chimpanzees who liked me on their own terms and swarming around me, I couldn’t even get close to him. They also targeted me, who was acting arrogant in front of them, and spit out their capricious desires without filtering!

I continued to regret my own actions when I was in the fourth grade of elementary school.

I didn’t regret that I couldn’t hide my feelings for Yoon-woo in front of the other children.

It was rather the opposite. Why did I spend so much time with children I thought were worthless?

Why couldn’t I honestly convey my feelings in front of the only valuable Yoon-woo?

Whatever it is, my ambiguous attitude is the worst.

One needs an extreme attitude to achieve whatever they want.

However, my behavior was too vague.

I pretended to like the children I didn’t like, and couldn’t honestly say that I liked Yoon-woo.

Looking back, when I was a fourth grader in elementary school, I should’ve told the other children who rushed to me, “I’m not going to play with you guys, so get out of my way.”

And, I should have told Yoon-woo directly that I wanted to be friends with him and play with him.

But I realized that too late.

If I had gained enlightenment after falling out with Yoon-woo, and had decided to break up with other people, it would have been possible to become friends with him.

Now I know what attitude to take.

I didn’t like people.

I didn’t want to hear them say they liked me or hated me for my appearance.

I didn’t want to give them even the slightest bit of my attention because they are people who didn’t mean anything to me at all.

So I lived as if I had no interest in other people.

From that incident with Yoon-woo, starting from middle school, I acted like a person who only had studying and exercising on her mind.

I went to the indoor climbing gym every day after class and climbed the wall.

When I became a high school student, I went to CrossFit Gymnasium on top of that.

Although I spent an ample amount of time on sports, I devoted all the rest of my time to studying, so my grades didn’t go down.

Without making human relationships, my life was monotonous.

Monotonous time passes very quickly.

So,10 years of my life went by really quickly.

During that time, I did not find anyone worthy of reaching out my hand and investing my time, except for Ji-eun and except for my Yoon-woo.

I had no one to like.

So, when I met Yoon-woo again, I fell into agony.

When you want to be friends with someone, how the hell do you approach them?

For 10 years, I never thought of the possibility of meeting him again.

In front of him, I felt like I had become the silly person from 10 years ago.

People’s relationships with me have always been like an interview.

Of course, the interviewer was me, and I decided whether he or she was a person worthy of getting to know or not.

But this time, Yoon-woo was the interviewer and I was the applicant.

In this case, I did not know what other applicants were answering, doing, or preparing for.

That’s why I didn’t know how far it would be good to express the rising favors for Yoon-woo and how to determine the socially accepted appropriate line between them.

Favors are not always welcomed.

This is because the value varies from person to person.

Some favors are treated as bad goods that are useless in life.

So, many people ponder for a long time before giving a favor to someone whether this might be good or bad for the other person.

However, my favor was accepted as a good thing in most cases.

It is like a scarce thing, so many people crave for it. So, I knew how to escape from the flooding wave of demand by living mostly in seclusion.

Because of that, I was like a child when it came to relationships. When I acted on my heart’s desires, I would sometimes go beyond my limits, just like a kindergarten or a lower-grade elementary school student tenaciously chasing after her favorite friend.

So, on the day I spoke casually to Yoon-woo, I was excited at the thought that I had become close, and made the mistake of chasing him to the gym right away.

I was embarrassed for several days after being told by Ji-eun unnie how strange it was.… Still, Yoon-woo didn’t seem to care much about it.

That was the bigger problem. It means that Yoon-woo doesn’t seem to have much interest in me.

Even though he spent so much time with me, Yoon-woo didn’t even look at me well.

Other people look at me so much that it makes me uncomfortable… … . If it was Yoon-woo, no matter how much he looked at me, I wouldn’t be offended… … .

Strangely, he seemed to be more comfortable with Ji-eun than me.

When he was with me, he kept giving excuses to run away. But with Ji-eun, they had a drink together, slept together, ate cream puffs together and even went to coin karaoke together… … .

When I thought about it that way, unlike when Ji-eun was there, when Yoon-woo and I were together, his expression seemed to be more rigid.

Is it possible that he is avoiding me by noticing that I am the same Hye-rim from the 4th grade of elementary school?

But if he had known that, wouldn’t he have avoided me from the start?

Couldn’t he have said anything?

Words of resentment or whatever… … .

If not,… … . Could it be that he just doesn’t like me?

Like my appearance or attitude… … .

I like Ji-eun noona more… … .

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As I continued to think like that, I gradually lost my confidence.

I was worried about how I looked in Yoon-woo’s eyes.

In front of Yoon-woo, I couldn’t control my actions.

I shouldn’t do that, I had to restrain myself, and even if I kept talking to myself like that , when I met Yoon-woo, my emotions surged to the top of my head.

If there was a crater on the top of the head, wouldn’t it have exploded like a volcano?

Giving myself too much to Yoon-woo, I was disappointed that Yoon-woo was too close to Ji-eun and not close to me. And, being jealous of Jieun, I was afraid that I couldn’t become friendly with her, so I came home alone, regretted and ashamed of myself.

It was as if I had been cursed.

It annoys me that there are endless people that like me. But, for a person that I like, he doesn’t even see me… … .

As time passed, I thought it was my destiny that I happened to meet Yoon-woo again.

It was as if I had become the main character in a fairy tale.

However, in reality, Princess Snow White was not me, but Jieun, and I must have been the queen who presented the poisonous apple to the princess.

Even though I was thinking about such concerns, I was really happy with Yoon-woo’s gift.

Although it was not pure favor and only just a gift from his persistent nature that he should pay off his debts.

And, also she was happy because, for the first time, directly praising her came out of Yoon-woo’s mouth.

‘You’ll be pretty even if you don’t wear anything like you are now… … .’

‘Because Hyerim has a sophisticated and mature image… … .’

I was even more happy because I thought that I might look very ugly in Yoon-woo’s eyes.

Besides, the earring that I wore through my ears for the first time was a gift from Yoon-woo… …

Yoon-woo’s image, apart from the earrings that were too cheap, was also lovely.

Yoon-woo, who told me to choose something else to match 50,000 won… … .

I had a desire to dress up as a gift from Yoon-woo, but didn’t want to make him spend a lot of money, as I clearly knew how he lives.

When I came home after going out with Yoon-woo and looked in the mirror, I looked so pretty in the mirror.

The silver earrings that shimmered between my hair were really cute.

Earrings suit me so well, why did I not wear the earrings until now?

This is because there has never been someone who gave earrings as a gift to her except for Yoon-woo.

“Uh? Hye-rim, why did you wear earrings?”

At lunchtime, Ji-eun came to Hye-rim’s house and recognized the new earrings in Hye-rim’s ears at a glance.

“What do you think? Does it suit me?”

“You look good in anything. But even considering that, you did choose well. It suits your image perfectly.”

“Do they?”

“But, earrings, all of a sudden? When we talked about earrings before, you said you didn’t like having your ears pierced because you were afraid?”

“… … I’m sorry Hye-rim. Because of me, you have.. … .”

Seeing his expression withered at Ji-eun’s words, Hye-rim hurriedly denied Ji-eun’s words.

“No! At that time, I just didn’t have time to do that, so I just said something like that. I really like this now. It’s true, Yoon-woo…”

“Uh? those earrings… … . Did Yoon-woo buy it?”

“Yeah, in the morning.”

“… … Why?”

“That… … . It is because of the meal that I bought in the restaurant before,and Yoon-woo wanted to repay it… … .”

“Even so… … Don’t you usually have to buy the same meal in return ? Earrings as a gift… … That’s like flirting… … Did you guys… … .”

“That’s not it… … . By accident, it just happened like that. It’s because we don’t know where to go… … Isn’t that right, Yoon-woo?”

“Uh… … .Yeah. It’s like that. I’m sorry, Hye-rim. I didn’t know.”

“Why do you keep saying sorry? I said I like it. ”

In fact, it is almost as if I forced Yoon-woo to give such a gift.

But, if I were to receive something from Yoon-woo, I wanted to receive the things that I can wear, hold or touch rather than the promise of a meal that would be digested in the stomach after 20 hours and would remain only as a vague memory.

And, also as Yoon-woo was choosing a gift, I thought it would be good if he thought about me.

And seeing me who values ​​the thing he gave me, I thought it would be nice to let him know my feelings a little bit.

If I didn’t intervene in the last conversation, Yoon-woo would explain to Ji-eun unnie like this, ‘Hye-rim told me not to buy a meal.’ But, I didn’t want to hear him explain like that. So, I answered first, ‘It’s because we didn’t know where to go.’

That’s why Yoon-woo stopped talking to Ji-eun.

It was an impulsive act. I wanted Ji-eun to see that Yoon-woo and I have a meaningful relationship.

I usually didn’t like doing such a disgraceful thing, but I couldn’t control my behavior if it involved Yoon-woo.

“I see. I see. ”

While eating her meal, Ji-eun joked and laughed as usual, but in her eyes, Ji-eun was like a dead person, so she felt guilty.

‘I’ll have to explain it properly again later tonight… … .’

There is a class in the afternoon, so Hye-rim thought that she should explain to Ji-eun after dinner at night on the phone

“Then see you later in the evening. ”

After tidying up what we ate together, Yoon-woo left Hye-rim’s house with Ji-eun after being sent off by Hye-rim and headed to the university.

Hyerim fifth period was vacant on every Tuesday. So,Yoon-woo went to take a Korean economic history class with Ji-eun.

It’s less than 5 minutes from Hyerim’s house to the university, but somehow Ji-eun’s pace was much slower than usual.

Come to think of it, I also felt like I had no energy.

“Noona? Are you sick?”

“No, it’s okay.”

“It looks like you have little energy. If you’re tired, rest. And, if you happen to not be able to attend the class, I will check all the parts that will appear on the exam and later… … .”

“Hey, Yoon-woo.”

“Huh?”

“Hey… … . Do you like Hye-rim?”

“Uh… … ? Why all of a sudden?”

“No, just… … No matter how well you don’t know how to give a gift, giving something like earrings for a gift… … ”

“That’s… … .It’s because I couldn’t think of anything but the ‘UST’ store nearby.”

“Why? Couldn’t you have repaid her with the same food?”

“Hye-rim told me not to repay with food.”

“Oh, so it’s like that? Well, that can be… … Seriously, I thought it was a bit strange for your personality, Yoon-woo.”

“I must have chosen the wrong gift… … .”

“No. You chose the one that suits Hye-rim well. I just said that the situation was a little weird. It’s okay.”

“Then, I’m glad.”

“But,… … Hey, Yoon-woo.”

“Huh.”

“That I… … I… … If I also wear something like that… … . Would it look weird?”

“Like what? earrings?”

“Yes.”

“It’s not weird at all. I think earring will suit noona too.”

“No, I’m not talking about the earrings themselves… … . It also includes the kind of design you bought for Hyerim… … .”

“Oh that? Well, for noona, rather than that… … .”

“Right? After all, that wouldn’t suit me well, would it?”

Ji-eun hastily cut off Yoon-woo’s words.

“No, I’m not saying it doesn’t suit… ”

“It’s okay! I was just saying it. I don’t plan on getting earrings or anything like that. It just makes me uncomfortable… … .”

“Noona?”

“Come on, let’s go, the front seats will be full. You can’t hear a single word from that professor when you’re sitting in the back. ”

“… … Okay.”

It felt strange for Ji-eun, who was a good listener, to cut off his words.

But after that, her appearance was the same as usual.

She talks about this and that, waiting for the professor to come in, saying that the class is boring and she can’t keep up with it, and she walks up to the liberal arts center with Yoon-woo, and when the class on the same floor ends in the evening, she smiles and greets him as usual. So, Yoon-woo didn’t pay much attention to Ji-eun’s slightly strange appearance earlier.

If Yoon-woo was a little curious about what Ji-eun was thinking, who was smiling on the outside, if he paid even a little more attention to Ji-eun’s different appearance than usual and asked a few words if she had something to worry about. If he asked only just a question.. … Would something have changed?

As Hye-eun said, Yoon-woo really didn’t know who he was or what kind of person he was.

So, he couldn’t even imagine that his words had become a raging storm in Ji-eun’s heart.

‘I know. No matter what I wear or what I dress, it won’t suit me as well as Hye-rim. Even if I wear those earrings, I will never be as pretty as Hye-rim. However… … Yoon-woo, do you think so too?’

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