Chapter 45: 45

Paranoid Love Affair

Episode 45

My confusion is a spiral that I cannot escape, there’s no means to end it.

I had been running in circles for too long.

In the meantime, my mind became more and more complicated, and the crooked thoughts that grew from that mind was like a little plant sprouting from the soil which stretched out slowly and buried my daily life underneath it.

Even I, myself, was vaguely aware of that fact.

But I have been ignoring it.

I hated seeing it because I already knew the answer.

How ugly would I have become if all my thoughts that I had neglected for so long were tangled up and exposed to the outside world?

Like Jangdok that has been left unattended for a long time. Wouldn’t maggots have infested it when the lid left open for a long time?

After seeing it, will I be able to remove them cleanly?

In order to live a normal life, a minimum level of self-love was needed to protect oneself.

Since I can’t love myself, who is infested with maggots, I choose to live without opening the lid.

However…

‘If it was Hye-rim instead of me… Would it have been different?’

‘Nothing would have changed.’

Perhaps because Yoon-woo said so, I thought that even if I opened the lid a little, I would be able to maintain enough narcissism to go about my daily life.

But, the answer was as expected.

I, who had been neglected and stayed without opening the lid for a long time, had an ugly and mean heart.

‘Because Hye-rim is pretty and she has a nice body.’

‘Because people only look at Hye-rim.’

‘Hye-rim is…’

The entitlement and jealousy that I had suppressed……

Those were very useful tools to justify my actions.

So, I do not actively help Hye-rim, nor do I reveal my sincerity to Yoon-woo clearly; I only just treat them with an ambivalent attitude with ambiguous words.

Come to think of it, I had been hurt by the attitudes of people who treated me and Hye-rim differently blatantly, but in fact, it was I who treated me and Hye-rim differently than anyone else.

I have been trying to ignore the value of all the efforts Hye-rim makes.

I also know that Hye-rim isn’t just pretty.

Hye-rim does her best at everything.

Just because she’s pretty doesn’t mean she’s relying on other people’s efforts.

She writes hard and reviews hard.

Although she likes to eat, she also works hard to manage her diet and exercise to take care of her body.

Besides, she is constantly thinking about what to do for Yoon-woo.

While ignoring the perfect appearances in front of me, I just remained calm.

I was just lying on the bed while drinking.

I was afraid to be serious.

It was because I didn’t want to get serious and then be ignored for failing, and ridiculed by others.

When I went to the gym to work out, I was afraid that people would stare at my small body.

If I enter a gym full of college students with my elementary school age’s height, won’t everyone stare at me curiously?

I thought I’d easily be laughed at.

Even if I like someone, who will take my heart seriously?

Wouldn’t he say no with a troubled face?

Will I also become a thing for him to joke about?

So I found a very cowardly escape plan. I always have a flighty attitude towards things I am not confident about.

I could use anything as an excuse.

My own small stature, a hangover, and even Hye-rim…

Hye-rim always said that I should also workout. She even said that I should go to the gym with her and sleep properly.

But each time, I passed on it with my playful tone.

‘I have to drink in the evening and I have to sleep in the morning because of a hangover, where’s the time to exercise?’

And each time I said that, she looked at me with a look that she couldn’t believe the absurdity. In fact, there were two small pink dumbbells under my bed.

I do 50 squats with it almost every day.

But I donn’t tell anyone about it.

Because I was shy to say that I work out that much.

Can I say that I am athletic?

Aren’t I supposed to dress up like Hye-rim in tracksuit and go to the gym and lift heavy barbells so that I can say that I work out?

And even if I work out like Hye-rim, I will never have a body like her.

Knowing I would not get the results that I wanted after putting a lot of effort into it, I’d feel embarrassed about going through the process of that effort.

It was the same with my feelings for Yoon-woo.

I am someone like Hye-rim in his eyes, but I am Ji-eun. First, can I truthfully say that I like Yoon-woo?

Unlike Hye-rim, I didn’t think of Yoon-woo for a long time, and I didn’t meet him fatefully in college.

Can I take the attitude that I’ve done so far that I like Yoon-woo?

But that wasn’t my choice.

It was because my mind was out of control and moved at will without logic, after growing up at will since I was young.

The wish that I wanted from Yoon-woo was to accept me as I am; it was only an expression of the part of my already overgrown heart that had broken the surface.

I wanted my own big heart to be as small and light as possible, so I wrapped many cheap wrappers around it.

It was also the most despicable part of myself that had built me up and I turned away from it many times because I didn’t want to see beneath the surface of the water.

Actually, that gave me an idea.

I want to affirm everything about Yoon-woo.

I feel that Yoon-woo wants to carry the heavy worries of his life alone by himself.

Through the cracks in the wall of consciousness that Yoon-woo builds to ward people, I think it would be good if he shows all the painful wounds to the point that I can see at first glance.

Yoon-woo builds his defense by showing his teeth to other people, but I think it would be good if he leans on me with peace of mind without caution…

That’s the kind of heart I have for Yoon-woo, but I was afraid that I might be someone Yoon-woo didn’t need as time progresses.

Yoon-woo leaned on Hye-rim, and I seemed to look at such a scene with only a disappointed look on my face.

So, I had deceived myself as if it was a conditional statement in the case I fell in love with Yoon-woo, ‘ Yoon-woo should accept me as I am’.

But I couldn’t do it anymore.

The question of how long I had known Yoon-woo was not important.

Because all the hidden parts of icebergs that were submerged below the surface of water have risen.

And, I had already looked at that gigantic form of ice, I couldn’t turn away and forget it any longer.

All of a sudden, my heart became a wide sea with a wild storm.

So, no matter how much my consciousness rowed and struggled, I could not seek refuge where I could hide myself.

When Ji-eun calmed down, she was fiddling with the earrings on her ear, thinking of Yoon-woo.

The amount of time I took to calm my mind was getting longer.

When Yoon-woo caught me from falling down the stairs, how electric I felt from Yoon-woo’s chest muscles that touched my back, how cozy I felt when I slept holding Yoon-woo’s arm tightly in my arms. When he held my foot with both hands, how warm his big hands were, those memories continued to swirl in my mind, even if I didn’t try to actively recall it.

Although I could push the lid on my memories, I couldn’t bring my senses back.

Besides, although I was the closest with Yoon-woo, because I was drunk, my memory was even more hazy.

When can we create such a situation again?

This time, she won’t be excited like an idiot, don’t let herself and Yoon-woo drink too much, but pretend she’s drunk in moderation…

Can’t she have a good time?

However, right now, Hye-rim had already made an appointment with Yoon-woo.

And I had already given Hye-rim a lot of advice.

When I faced my cowardly side, I was forced to act like that.

Considering the acting skills of Hye-rim, she would probably continue to approach Yoon-woo in some way.

Then, Hye-rim eventually goes out with Yoon-woo, and this may lead to me embracing my uncontrollable heart alone and continuing the drift of my mind, indefinitely.

On Saturday, Hye-rim and Yoon-woo would be walking around the mall together, having dinner at “Subway” and going to see a movie.

For some reason, she also knew that Yoon-woo liked horror movies.

So, even though it’s a movie with a lot of gore scenes that she herself hates, she said she wanted to see it together with him, so she even recommended Yoon-woo.

What will the two of them talk about while choosing a sandwich together at Subway?

Has Yoon-woo ever placed an order there?

Maybe not?

Then, Yoon-woo, who doesn’t know what to order, will ask Hye-rim, what kind of bread is popular, what kind of sauce is delicious, and what combination she recommends. Then, wouldn’t Hye-rim also like to explain?

So in the end, Yoon-woo, who doesn’t know what it is, will choose the same menu as Hye-rim, and he will praise her by saying that her combination of sandwiches are delicious.

Then, Yoon-woo gets used to the taste, and whenever he goes to Subway alone, he may only order the same combination as Hye-rim and eat it.

What’s the big deal about that sandwich that makes me feel so desperate?

For example, this could be the case.

When Yoon-woo and I went to “Subway” later… … .

While standing in line, to Yoon-woo, I would be eagerly talking about what I thought was the best combination…

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Then, this is what Yoon-woo will talk about.

‘I still liked the combination that Hye-rim recommended the most.’

Then, if he chooses a completely different sandwich from me…

It won’t just be a sandwich.

That sandwich would be Hye-rim’s suggestion to Yoon-woo!

So when that time comes, even with me, Yoon-woo would continue to look for Hye-rim, and I find traces of Hye-rim everywhere in Yoon-woo’s actions!

It’s miserable just thinking about it.

After that, my ugly appearance, with a sandwich which has completely different contents from Yoon-woo, is stuffed abruptly into my mouth… …

Even that brief meal might have such a big impact on him, so how much more will the time of that long date change Yoon-woo?

If Hye-rim sniffs while watching a scary scene… …

Hye-rim wants to see a movie with Yoon-woo but if he finds out that she lied about her taste because of that simply because she wanted to watch one with him… … How lovely would Hye-rim look to Yoon-woo?

Wouldn’t even Yoon-woo’s strange sense of thought that no one would like him could melt away at his appearance?

Perhaps on the pretext of being afraid, Yoon-woo and Hye-rim might even hold hands and watch the movie.

They might even loop arms like at a wedding.

Then, after leaving the movie theater and sharing movie views from each other, if Hye-rim gets into a strange mood and pushes them away by talking about what to do after 9 p.m., can weak Yoon-woo refuse it?

If he can’t refuse, then…

Yoon-woo said that as a condition for him to believe that the other person likes him, he wants the other person to be someone who resembles him.

Yoon-woo and Hye-rim look alike.

Both are tall and beautiful with long arms and legs.

If the two of them dated, they would be very compatible.

Of course, Yoon-woo said that he was looking for people who were similar to him on the inside, not on the outside.

But in my thoughts… … .

It was only a matter of his choice.

Because people have so many different sides.

And he doesn’t even understand it all himself fully.

I think, before deciding whether someone resembles you or not, what parts of someone you like and what parts you don’t, your feelings for the other person might already precede you?

If anyone thinks carefully, he or she can find countless similarities between themselves and the other person.

Likewise, you can find countless points that are different from yourself.

Nevertheless, I think it is because of the difference in the number of steps that you take to understand someone that people say that they resemble each other or that they are not, so as to understand whether they fit well or do they not.

If the mind of a person is a statue that seems to be different depending on the perspective, it is possible that the part that resembles you, or the part you like, can immediately catch your eye without even taking a few steps towards someone that piques your interest.

But for some people, it may take a lot of steps to find that part.

However, moving one step at a time is very difficult and cumbersome in most cases, so people only check the aspect from one angle and quickly turn away.

However, if the statue is so lovely, and if the steps around it are exciting and happy, then there is no reason not to keep walking around it.

So, more than any other statue, you will find a lot of similarities and things you like in that statue.

In fact, until I ate lamb skewers with Yoon-woo, I did not think so deeply about Yoon-woo’s words, ‘I like people similar to myself’.

But when I realized it, it was me.

Yoon-woo grows bigger and bigger in my heart, and I go round and round around Yoon-woo several times and look over and over again, and I really find a lot of myself in Yoon-woo.

Yoon-woo’s unfortunate family history and his fear of people…

Come to think of it, my family wasn’t happy either.

Aren’t I the only one left in the empty house?

Yoon-woo is always alone and I meet a lot of people, but I was always afraid of people even while being among them.

Even if she looks completely different from him, she can quickly find similarities with just a few steps like this.

As she kept walking around Yoon-woo in her heart…

Suddenly, she felt like she was trapped in a washing machine.

Unknowingly, she was lying on a bed in her cramped bedroom, with the ceiling gradually falling down; the room closing in on her.

And Yoon-woo was lying alone on her wide bed, hugging a pillow.

However, I have also taken quite a few steps about Hye-rim so far.

So, I knew a lot about the similarities between Hye-rim and Yoon-woo.

So in the end, it is up to Yoon-woo to think.

In Yoon-woo’s eyes, someone similar to him could be Hye-rim or me.

Yoon-woo walked alone with his blank mind, far from comprehending Hye-rim and my aspects, as if he couldn’t even properly see the aspects of me and Hye-rim from his perspective.

He seemed terrified and scared, crouching down and looking only at the ground.

If so, maybe, the person Yoon-woo gets to hang out with will be the one who makes Yoon-woo look at himself by raising his head first.

Could that be Hye-rim?

Yoon-woo said it was difficult to accept the fact that someone likes him, but is there anything simpler and easier to understand than Hye-rim’s love?

The wave of thoughts that rushed to Ji-eun showed no sign of stopping.

It was 11pm on a Thursday night.

In the morning, after receiving a phone call from Hye-rim saying that she had booked a movie, all these thoughts were in Ji-eun’s head.

But she didn’t even have the right to complain to anyone.

While Hye-rim continued to struggle with doing favors for Yoon-woo, she had created meaningful situations with Yoon-woo several times in a clever and disgraceful way.

Even if it wasn’t directly intentional……

Nevertheless, it was purely Ji-eun’s fault that there was no progress with Yoon-woo and that she just only caused him trouble.

It wasn’t Hye-rim’s fault, her luck was also not to be blamed. She ruined it all by herself.

In the eyes of Ji-eun who lamented like that, the wine bottles in the cupboard shimmered again.

It was too tiring to carry on with her thoughts.

‘Ah… … . No. If I drink again, I won’t be a human… … .’

‘… … Can’t I just have one drink though?’

‘No, I’m crazy… … . When was the last time I was done with just one drink? Really?’

If she drank again while she was in this state, she didn’t know what she would do to Yoon-woo again.

With that in mind, Ji-eun decided to drive the bottle out of sight. However… … .

‘Why did I leave such bottles all over the house?’

The bottle wasn’t just in the kitchen cupboard.

It was spread all over the place, next to the TV in the living room, on the desk in her room, and on the shoe rack in the hallway.

Unless it’s a drink that needs to be put in the refrigerator, she just left it somewhere nearby after drinking it.

Ji-eun collected them, put them in a nook where they used to be in the past, and cleaned up all the empty wine bottles that had been scattered around.

And when I washed up and laid down on the bed, the day had already passed.

Still, I could not sleep easily.

When I closed my eyes, the worries I had been dealing with all day today came to trouble her, over and over again.

Even when I turned on the Wetube, the contents did not reach my ears at all.

How did I spend such troubled nights when I was in middle school or high school when I didn’t drink alcohol?

It’s been a few years and I don’t remember.

What was Yoon-woo like in middle school and high school?

Was he alone like he is now?

If that was the case, I wish I had been in the same school and class as him… … .

Then, no matter what anyone says, I would’ve first approached Yoon-woo and talked to him… … .

And… … .

I don’t know what time I fell asleep with such delusions.

The last time I checked the time was 4 o’clock and I woke up at 8 o’clock, so at most I only slept for 4 hours.

However, the classic economics class, which runs from 9 am to 11:45 am on Friday morning, is a class where I can be with Yoon-woo for nearly three hours.

I couldn’t miss it.

Maybe the day before Hye-rim and Yoon-woo date, it will be the last chance to meet him.

Something… … . Maybe I should do something?

She didn’t want to return Yoon-woo’s coat that was washed yesterday without giving something.

She should pretend to have forgotten and made an appointment with that as an excuse…

‘Is there anything I can do for Yoon-woo? An excuse to meet… … .’

While thinking about it, Ji-eun was fiddling with her earrings again, and something suddenly came to her mind.

‘Ah… … . Wait a minute. Far from giving him an excuse, don’t I have something to pay back?’

Come to think of it, I have not yet given something to Yoon-woo in return for the earrings.

She had a legitimate opportunity to do Yoon-woo a favor, which she had never thought of.

Why didn’t she think of this last night?

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She couldn’t sleep for such a long time, tossing and turning……

‘What’s wrong? What will you give to Yoon-woo? Expensive thing? There’s alcohol, but there’s no way Yoon-woo likes it because he drank last time… … .’

‘Ah… … . I see, last year… … .’

Ji-eun remembered something and rummaged through her desk drawer.

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