Chapter 20: The Last Nightmare

Scott is how I remember him when we were younger. His hair is long. His mum doesn't let him cut it. My hair is short; I asked my dad to cut it for me. We stand in front of our high school, terrified and excited by the prospect of growing up.

My excitement wanes quickly. The other guys figure out my weaknesses. Balls head for my head and gut in PE and in the school yard. I can't tell if it's intentional or not. Scott can't help me. He has his own issues with trying to fit in. Rumours start to spread about us being together. The harassment turns into us getting interrogated by the other kids. We both agree to separate for a bit. 

Without Scott to protect me the boys start to ramp up their harassment. Balls go off course. Noises get louder. They take my things. I want to ask them why but they just laugh. Is that what guy friendship is?

The idea of my body growing becomes much less appealing. After PE, I stink horribly, but I don't have any deodorant. It hasn't come up before. As soon as I get home I scrub myself clean of the stench.

A couple of weeks into term, I invite Scott over for a sleepover but his mum says it isn't appropriate anymore. I might hurt him or something. Especially now that I'm getting bigger. I hadn't even noticed before then. I only kept growing.

Dad tries to cheer me up. He tells me this is just normal. I'm becoming a man. It doesn't help. Guys don't like me and I'm not allowed to hang out with my only friend.

Three years into high school and my facial hair starts growing. I'm hardly able to see Scott anymore. He's got a couple of friends from his classes and I don't want to make them uncomfortable. Some are girls. And I'm me. 

If I could just man up, maybe I could be around people and not make them uncomfortable. For now though, I'll focus on disappearing. 

Trying to befriend guys didn't work. I tried. The athletic ones were kind of okay. Surprisingly less jocky than I'd been taught by movies to expect. I didn't fit in. They pushed me out; at least it wasn't intentional. I was just quiet. My voice broke and it hurt to speak. Eventually they mostly forgot about my existence. I guess that's okay. I sit alone for a while. There's one guy that tried to talk to me after. His name's Leo, but I'm not able to keep up with him. He reminds me of Scott. Just a little bit.

I had better luck with the geeky kids at first. I got along with them better. They treated me like one of them. If I'm a guy I'm probably just a quiet nerd. We talk about superheroes and games and shows we like. It was going well until they started talking about girls. The way they talk about Scott snaps me out of it. I walk away with a detention for slapping one of them.

I wish I could be a kid again. I'm hardly recognizable anymore. I wonder if Scott even recognizes me after my bones shifting, my face twisting and my eyes sinking into my face. I try to focus on studying, but it eventually becomes too exhausting.

Late year ten Scott finds me sitting in the hall at lunch. His hair is done up in a ponytail, his uniform looks wrong on him, the school dresses are out of line with his athletic vibe. He grabs me by my hairy hands and drags me to his table. It shocks me how easily he can touch others like it's nothing. I wish I could be like him. There are days where he doesn't come to school and I'm left alone. The others at the table give up on trying to talk to me. I prefer it that way.

Year eleven we end up in the same classes. He starts mentoring younger martial arts students at the new youth center. He dragged me with him a couple of times. The way he moves when he teaches is so natural. 

We are allowed to meet outside of school again. That or his parents realised they couldn't stop him from dragging me over. Things are looking up, but I still can't control my anxiety, or my voice, or my body. Therefore it won't last.

It can't last.

We suffer through our first year of exams with study groups. Scott starts teaching his classes. I feel safer, but pathetic. I'm a background character in his life. The nameless nerd he protects from the bullies. The weirdo who always looks and acts odd but doesn't hurt anyone so he's tolerated

Year twelve. I smell. I look awful. My body is a misshapen mess. Very little has changed, but Scott and I are the same gender. For the first time in years we are able to hangout and talk freely without jokes about us dating or parents getting suspicious, or me feeling gross about what they are implying about me.

Six years of high school hell made obsolete by him. We are allowed to ignore all that because we are the same and I'm ruining it. We could be normal guy friends if I could just keep shoving down how miserable being a –

Bright light floods my senses. I'm back. I think. Fully back. I've become accustomed to the roof of the infirmary at this point. To the left of me is blue and to the right is yellow. Leo and Ziggy were hurt. What were we fighting again?

"Oh, you're finally awake." Ziggy says. I sit up, my body doesn't feel strange or heavy or weak, so I probably didn't do something stupid.

"What happened?"

"Feedback apparently. The hypnosis device was destroyed, a failsafe activated and everything that it had held back was released" Leo explains from the hospital bed next to me.

"Oh."

"Yeah, knocked us out cold. Summer and Scott took care of the embiggening."

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"That's not a real word." Ziggy scoffs.

"Prove it!"

"Ryan, what do you think?" Ziggy looks at me and my blood runs cold. Leo glares at them. 

"What did you call me?" My voice is still clearly feminine. They can't have found a resemblance

"You know exactly what I said." 

"It's fine buddy." Leo says soothingly. How did they figure it out? I need to play dumb. 

"I've never even met him before!"

"Despite appearances I'm not dumb." Leo says. Still trying to keep a calm voice. I'm screwed. 

"Could have fooled me."

"Shut up, Ziggy." Leo says. I get up out of bed and run  

I release the transformation. My body explodes out but I barely register it. At some point I must have asked Astrus or Kepler to send me home, but I don't remember. Dad's not home, as I trudge my way to my bed. I collapse facedown and scream.

My phone beeps.

 

Ziggy: We won't tell Scott but you can't hide this forever.

A minute later another beep.

Leo: I'm here if you need to talk. I didn't think they were going to drop that as you woke up. I'm sorry

A third beep.

Scott: Are we still on for tomorrow?

I can't keep this up for much longer. I need to give up one of my identities. I need to be just Ryan, or just Filia. Almost everyone knows that I'm both and I can't keep transforming back and forth to make Scott believe we are both real.

A night is not enough time to recover from losing and regaining my memories. Will I be up to watching a movie tomorrow and bro it up? It wouldn't be good to back out of this. I need the reminder. I need to try and be normal and leave these feelings behind.

Despite my anxiety I manage to pass out.

 

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