Chapter 10: 10. The Shining Future

One of the other movies we had studied the previous year in film class had been ‘Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.’  I think that is an appropriate title to describe that summer of 1978.  Of course, a more suitable title for me would have been ‘A Strange Love or:  How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Girl’.  It was a strange love between Pippa and I with us stealing our moments at the Texaco and our one mysterious midnight assignation in her carport.

It was after our midnight meeting when I learned to stop worrying and love the girl.  I had wanted to tell her the truth about Steve Wilson so I should get some credit for at least thinking of telling her the truth.  It wasn’t my fault she had somehow convinced me that telling her the truth was the wrong thing to do.  So, I put Steve Wilson out of my mind and I stopped worrying.

July became August and Pippa and I continued on as if nothing happened.  I would pop in at her work sometimes before work and I found a burger option on the menu that I could tolerate.  Steve Wilson didn’t like the burgers but I was no longer Steve Wilson so I had to do something about that.  The burger had bacon and was not covered in a secret sauce.  It was good enough.

August rolled on closer to Pippa’s birthday and we began to start talking about how we could possibly spend some part of it together.

“I don’t have to work on my Birthday,” Pippa commented one day at the Texaco when the topic came up.  “That’s at least something.”  

“Hey, your Birthday is on a Saturday, I don’t have to work either.”  Well that too was something and maybe we could build on it but how was the real question.

“I’ve got to spend some of it with my mother.  I told her I didn’t want a party but she suggested going out to dinner with her and Roger and maybe inviting Sandra.”

“Sandra?”  I found myself asking out loud.  The way I had asked it had the inflection that instead of Sandra it should have been me.
    
“I know Pink,” Pippa replied.  “I love Sandra but I really wish it could be you.  You know I would if I could but I can’t.  It’s still too soon.”
    
It was always too soon.  I had, however, come to expect that.  I had to let Pippa handle this her way.  She had said to give her time and I knew if I rushed her into anything then the truth about Steve Wilson would have to come out.  I had promised myself not to worry about that anymore.

“What are you going to do after dinner?” I asked.
    
“I don’t know.  Maybe I could convince my mother to let Sandra and I go to a movie.”  That sounded nice.  Again, I wished it was going to be me.
    
“Hey wait a minute,” I started.  I suddenly had a brilliant idea or the makings of a brilliant idea.  “Why not make it the drive-in?”  We had three drive-ins within driving distance of Belleville back then.  Two were fairly close but the third was a little further out and had a reputation of showing soft-core porn films.  I wasn’t really suggesting that option.
    
“Why the drive-in?”  Pippa asked.
    
“Well, then I can come too.  We could spend time together.”  I was thinking about Pippa and I in the back seat while Sandra sat in the front.  Her cousin could watch the movie and Pippa and I could occupy ourselves otherwise.
    
“You’re forgetting one thing, I don’t drive.  Sandra hasn’t got her license either.”  Well, there went that idea.  I too didn’t drive.  Rod had his license but I wasn’t going to ask my brother to chauffer my girlfriend and I and her cousin.  I loved my girlfriend and I loved my brother but my love for Rod wasn’t so big that I could impose on him for that big a favour.
    
“I have to go, Pink.”  Pippa was still on her curfew of getting home after work.  “There must be something we can do without confronting my mother directly.  I’m not there yet.  Maybe if we both think on it we can come up with something.  After all, two heads are better than one.”
    
Pippa and I were at the back of the Texaco and her bicycle was between us again.  She kissed me and sped off.  Two heads are better than one when you’re kissing but I was getting tired of that bicycle and her mother coming between us.
    
Throughout my entire shift that evening I did the thinking she asked of me.  I was still thinking on it when Ben came on at eleven.  I decided to get his input.  Three heads had to be even better than two.
    
“You aren’t thinking about the drive-in south of here where they play soft-core porn films, are you?” Ben asked when I told him about my drive-in idea.
    
“No of course not!” I exclaimed.  “Can you imagine me taking my girlfriend there on her Birthday?  I wouldn’t have a girlfriend the next day.”
    
“Too bad, I always wanted to go there.  I thought about driving out there sometime but I’d have to have a fake ID.  I’m only seventeen.”  Ben and I were the same age at that time but I would turn eighteen in September.  Technically, I was dating an older woman.
    
“Wait, you drive?” I asked.  “I didn’t know you drive.  You don’t drive a car to work.”
    
“Drive yes, car no.  I could borrow my mother’s car or my father’s but walking’s better for me.  So is running.  You know that.”
    
“Wait,” I said again.  “Back up.  You drive and have access to a car?  Buddy, where have you been all my life?”
    
“Collegiate,” Ben replied sarcastically.
    
My mind was racing.  Ben could drive.  Ben could get access to a car.  Ben plus car equalled drive-in to my way of thinking.  Ben plus drive-in equalled Pippa and I in the back seat again.  I couldn’t drive but my mind was racing that fast.
    
“How would you like to chauffeur Pippa and I to the drive-in?” I asked pleadingly.
    
“You mean you two and her cousin,” Ben pointed out.
    
“Oh yeah, her cousin.  There’s that,” I said.  I had forgotten about the cousin.  In my mind, I had replaced her cousin with Ben as the driver watching the movie while Pippa and I got cozy in the back.
    
“What’s her cousin like?” Ben asked. “What if we made it a double date…unofficially of course?”
    
I looked at Ben.  The phrase sly dog was coming to mind.  What was her cousin like?  I hadn’t given her much thought other than being a third wheel.  My friendship with Pippa had become a triad throughout the school year as long as Sandra was around.  Sandra was also Pippa’s go-to excuse when it came to her mother.  When Pippa had been attending the long relay practices she had told her mother she was there with her cousin.  Sandra was the accepted chaperone whether she was there or not.  The question was, what was her cousin like?
    
“Mousy,” I replied.      

“What do you mean by mousy?” Ben asked.  “Do you mean that she’s quiet and shy and that people don’t notice her?  I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

“No, Pippa sometimes calls her ‘mouse’ as a nickname.”  That part was true.  “She’s shorter than me but not too short.  She’s not quiet but she’s not loud.  She’s prettyish, I guess.  I don’t know man, I’m only making a comparison to Pippa but then anyone would pale next to Pippa.”

“Well, I’m not saying yes to anything until I get a look.”  Ben was firm on that.

“Do you like the burgers across the road?”  I asked.

“What’s that have to do with anything?” he responded.

“You know that I go across there sometimes before work so I can get a look at Pippa.  Sandra works there too.  The price of admission to that viewing is one hamburger.”

“Suits me fine.  Do I get fries with that?”  Ben was being serious.

“Oh, you think I’m buying your burger?” I asked.

“Hey, man, you’re the one that wants the favour,” Ben replied.

“Ok, ok.  The things I’ll do for love.  I’ll spring for the combo but I’m not buying dessert.”

The shining future was starting to come my way.  There was a plan in motion.  Now, if Ben would accept Sandra and more importantly if Sandra would accept Ben then Pippa and I were closer to spending a portion of her birthday together.  The next day at the kiosk window, I sprang the plan on her.

“There’s a flaw in your plan, Pink.”

“Where’s the flaw?” I asked.  “Ben and I have thought this out.  I just need you to work on Sandra.”

“The problem isn’t Sandra.  Well not, entirely.  The problem is that my mother knows that Sandra doesn’t drive so how do I answer when she asks me who’s driving us to the drive-in?”

Ah, that flaw in my plan.  I guess I hadn’t thought of that.

“Could we pass Ben off as her boyfriend?  Maybe your mother would be okay with that.  After all, there’s safety in numbers.  Like heads, two chaperones are better than one.”  I thought that was clever.

“She’d want to meet him and see that Ben and Sandra really are a couple.  She’ll ask them a million questions.”

“You go to work on Sandra and I’ll go to work on Ben.  It’s the only way we’re going to get to spend your Birthday together.”

“Okay, you bring Ben by the restaurant tomorrow.  I’ll prep Sandra.  I’m going to owe her big time.”

“I’m going to owe Ben big time,” I responded.  “At least if this doesn’t work out then all I’ll be out is the price of a burger combo.”
Pippa looked confused.

“I’ll explain it to you sometime,” I said.  Our hands lingered together for a while longer before she had to speed off home.

The next day I met up with Ben at Pippa’s place of work.  Luckily, Sandra was on the same shift.  I bought him his burger combo and I had a shake.  Sandra had waited on us and it was clear that Pippa had already talked to her.  Her eyes lingered on Ben but I think there was a flash toward me that showed either displeasure or interest.  I wasn’t sure.

“What do you think?” I asked as we sat at a table and eyed the girls.

“I like the burger.  It’s good.”

“Not, the burger, the girl!”  I exclaimed.

“Her too,” Ben said between bites.

“Her too, what?”  I asked.

“I like her too.  Do you want a fry?”  Ben held out his french-fry packet toward me.  He was taking this very casually.

“So, is Operation Drive-In a go?”  I asked.  I had given it a name but I wasn’t married to it.

“Let’s take this in stages,” Ben began.  “Today was stage one.  The burger passed and the girl passed.  The next stage is if the girl says yes to me then I have to check and see if I can get a car for that night.”  Man, Ben was acting like a cool customer.

“I’m sorry Ben,” I answered back, “but between your stage one and stage two has to be another stage.  You have to meet the mother.”

Ben’s eyebrows went up but he didn’t say anything for a minute.  He took a long sip on his soda before he responded.

“That makes sense.  The girl’s parents will want to meet me before I take their daughter out.”  I knew immediately that Ben had missed my drift.

“No my friend, you have to meet the other mother,” I clarified.  I hoped he would get my meaning.

Ben’s eyebrows went up again.  “Oh, you mean your girl’s mother?  I’m not following you.”  So much for the circuitous route, I thought.

“Okay, let me make this clear,” I began.  “My girl’s mother will want to meet the boyfriend of Pippa’s cousin before she will let them take my girl out to the drive-in with them.”

“Oh, so now I’m the boyfriend of your girl’s cousin?” Ben asked.  Not only was clarity setting in but he had gone beyond and realized what his part in all of this would now entail.

“Give that man a prize,” I joked.  “You only have to play the role once, answer a few questions, schmooze the mother and we’re away to the drive-in.”

“You mean a repeat performance and not a once-only performance,” Ben stated.

“Okay, now it’s my turn to say I’m not following you.  I’m not following you.”  I was confused.  Ben may have been handling this casually but his mind was working on another plain.

“I’m not dating any girl, remember?  If I have to play that part then don’t I have to meet my girl’s parents first?  What parent will want me to take their daughter to a drive-in if they haven’t already met me yet?”

I thought about that for a minute before responding.  “And I thought the issue of Steve Wilson was complicated.  Buddy, I can’t ask you to do all of that.”  Of course, I wanted to ask him to do all that because I had my ulterior motives but was my friendship with Ben worth risking for my relationship with Pippa?  In my mind it was.

“Hey, I didn’t say no,” Ben said.  “I’m just pointing out all of the steps we have to follow if your Operation Drive-In is going to work.”

“You’d do that for me?”  I asked.

“No, I’m doing it for both of us.  I told you that cousin’s a bit of all right.  But it’s still going to cost you.  I’ll provide the vehicle and you pay for the drive-in and the popcorn.  Oh, and I wouldn’t mind one of these burgers again sometime.  They’re not half bad.”

I looked at Ben.  Here was a true friend.  He apparently had his motives and his stomach seemed to be one of them.

I met up with Pippa at the Texaco as usual after her shift.  Ben had gone home to catch a few more hours sleep because he was working the overnight.  I laid out my plans to Pippa and explained to her how Ben had stressed that he would have to meet Sandra’s parents as well.

“Oh, he’ll like them, they’re nice,” Pippa told me after I had detailed everything.

“It doesn’t matter how nice they are but how convincing Sandra and Ben can be with your mother,” I pointed out.

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“It’ll work Pink.  It has to.  I’m going to be eighteen.  I think my mother doesn’t want to push me away.  She’s already got enough issues with Roger.” 

I had forgotten about Roger.  Pippa didn’t talk much about him.  He had not moved back in with Pippa and her mother.  He had liked his freedom and he had finally confessed to his father about the accident.  He was working off the cost of the repairs.  Pippa didn’t have any details about that but she was sure her father would have forgiven Roger just about anything.  Pippa had been clear that her relationship with Roger and her father were still sensitive topics she didn’t want to discuss in detail.

“First the drive-in and then me,” I said, getting back to the topic at hand.

“Wrong Pink,” she replied.  “First it’s Sandra, then her parents, then my mother.  You are at the bottom of the list.”

That was certainly how I felt.  I was always last.  If that happened to me in running then I’d have given up the sport a long time ago.

Pippa could sense what I was feeling and was quick to counter.  “The best is always last,” she said and then leaned in for a kiss.  I grabbed her bicycle and lay it on the pavement.  Nothing was going to come between me and that kiss.  I may have been last on her list but I was going to put myself first when it counted.

Everything seemed to go smoothly over the next few days.  Sandra agreed to the fake relationship with Ben and Ben passed his introduction to Sandra’s parents.  I had been coaching Ben on what not to say.  I didn’t want Pippa’s mother receiving some information filtered along through the family that suggested I was in any way involved in the drive-in outing.  I had advised Ben that he avoid any conversation about track or running and definitely to avoid anything which would link back to me or Steve Wilson.

After the meeting with Sandra’s parents, there was the obligatory meeting with Pippa’s mother.  Mrs. Bailey had been almost defiant with Pippa she was not going to the drive-in with Sandra and her boyfriend.  Pippa was defiant right back and stood up for herself.  She didn’t mention Roger but her mother understood Pippa was turning an age that suggested she really didn’t need her mother’s approval but if they wanted to be civil under the same roof then her mother had to start loosening any conditions or curfews.

Pippa was elated when she told me her mother had agreed to meet Ben; with Sandra in tow of course.  Sandra had to be there in order to contribute to the ruse.

“Tomorrow, after work, Ben and Sandra are coming to my house,” Pippa told me through the kiosk window.  I had a couple of customers when she first arrived so she fell back on the washroom key ploy.  

“Ben’s ready, I’ve been coaching him,” I said.

“Coaching him on what?” Pippa asked.  It occurred to me I hadn’t told her I was instructing Ben on what not to say that would connect him to me.  Of course, I couldn’t let her know about that because I was still holding back some things I didn’t want Pippa to know.

“Oh, you know, how not to be nervous around your mother and how not to raise any suspicion.  Remember, you’re not going with anyone else to the drive-in as far as your mother is concerned.  You’re just a third wheel to Sandra and Ben.  We can’t have your mother thinking anything else.”

“Oh, that makes sense.  Cross your fingers, Pink.”  I thought that might be difficult because her hand was in mine again.

“Do you have to leave so soon?” I asked.  “I thought you told me your mother was going to start easing your curfew?”  I was hoping she could linger a while longer.  As we got closer to her birthday, I was anxious about spending time with her.  Even though I had been training myself not to worry, I couldn’t shake the feeling that not all was well.  I didn’t want to have to burden her with my fears but just being around her helped dispel any anxiety.

“I don’t have to hurry home but I think I better,” she replied.  “Tomorrow’s too important and I don’t want to set my mother thinking that something’s up because I didn’t come home early on the first day she’s easing my curfew.”

“Okay, but how will I know how it went?  You’re meeting up after you’re done working but I’ll be here.  I won’t know anything at all.  Ben’s not even scheduled tomorrow night.”

“How do you feel about another moonlight rendezvous?” she asked.

I was surprised.  Last time, she had been fearful of getting caught and now she was willing to risk it even with everything at stake.

“Are you sure?  It seems a little risky to me,” I said.  She seemed to be flaunting the lifting of restrictions a little too much.  I was afraid of fouling everything up before her birthday.  That feeling of anxiety was creeping back in.

“You’re worth it,” she answered.  “I’ll meet you in the garage at midnight.  Stay in the shadows.”  Now I was getting advice from her about sneaking around her place in the dark.  I thought I had done pretty well for myself the last time I had been there.

“Should I wear a trench coat?” 

“Funny man,” she replied.  Pippa gave my hand a tight squeeze and was gone.

I watched out the back window as Pippa biked off home.  The comparison of her riding her bicycle and everything was riding on the interview tomorrow wasn’t lost on me.  I kept repeating to myself “this is going to work, “this is going to work.”  As much as I didn’t enjoy being in my own shoes just then, I certainly didn’t want to be in Ben’s.

I was on edge the entire next day.  I barely slept that night.  I tried clearing my mind the night before with another night run around the track.  I also went for a morning run and another just before leaving for work.  My legs might have been working but I was just going through the motions.  

During my pre-work run, I kept imagining how things were going at the avocado house.  Pippa was at work but what was her mother preparing for Ben?  I felt like I was sending Ben to an interrogation that would outrival anything the police would offer to crime suspects.  I couldn’t help him.  If he wasn’t ready by then I knew he would never be ready.  I had to trust him.

At the Texaco, I went through the motions of my job.  My mind was elsewhere.  I watched the clock as I knew that soon after I arrived at work Ben and Sandra would be meeting with Pippa and her mother.  All the various scenarios played through my head.  My mantra of “this is going to work” was low comfort.  I was afraid I was tied to a relationship that never got passed the hand-holding stage in a kiosk window or the occasional kiss over a bicycle.

I couldn’t keep my mind clear.  Between customers, I would go outside and sweep around the pump islands.  I took a rag and put a shine to everything.  I kept that up all evening.  I knew when Dave came on at eleven that the station would be gleaming.  I didn’t care.  I had to keep myself busy.

The hours rolled on and soon it was eleven and Dave was inside the kiosk and I was on my way to Pippa’s house.  I walked slowly and took a longer route up unnecessary side streets.  I didn’t want to arrive too early.  There was a full moon and everything seemed brighter and I felt like I was standing out.  

As I came up Pippa’s street I walked at a normal pace.  I knew walking quickly or even slowly would make me look suspicious to anyone who happened to glance out their window.

I slipped quickly up her driveway and into the carport and along the side of the car that was furthest from the house.  There were no lights on in the house and those dark shadows I hid in enveloped me and I knew no one could see me from the side entrance.

I had only been in the garage a few minutes when I could barely see the side door open slowly.  It did not make a sound.

“Pink?” I heard from a low whisper.

“Over here,” I whispered.  I instinctively waved my hand but then realized it was so dark where I stood that the gesture would be lost on her.
Pippa came around the garage and came up to hug me.  Her lips were near one of my ears as she began to speak.

“Oh, Pink, it’s been so dreadful.  I thought time had slowed down.  I’ve been in my room looking at my clock for the last two hours hoping time would finally speed up and it would be midnight.”  Despite the warmth of the night, she was shivering in my arms.

“Oh no, is it that bad?”  I asked.  All those thoughts of dread and worry were now at the forefront.

“I don’t know Pink,” she answered.  “I don’t really know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”  How could she not know?  I thought it was pretty simple.  Either her mother was going to let her go to the drive-in with Sandra and Ben or she wasn’t.   “Wait, start at the beginning,” I continued.  I thought this might be an easy way of directing her on informing me on what transpired.

“Everything was going well,” she began, “until Ben mentioned that he worked at the Texaco.  I didn’t think this was a problem but then my mother wanted to know if Ben knew Steve Wilson who worked there.  Who’s Steve Wilson, Pink?  Is he the other guy who works midnights when Ben is off?”

And there it was.  Steve Wilson had been resurrected from the dead.  All my fears had been realized and the bright shining future was now a present of impending doom.  

“What’s so important about Steve Wilson?” I asked.  Maybe it wasn’t so bad.  Maybe I could continue the lie and build up Steve Wilson as a real person with a history of his own and a life working night shifts at a gas station.  

“Mom seems to know him,” Pippa replied.  “She says he’s a nice guy who stopped in once and helped her take our old recliner out to the street.  She was so impressed by him that she’s asked Ben if maybe this Steve would like to accompany us to the drive-in.”

Yep, I had screwed up.  My creation of Steve Wilson had been a reflex action upon meeting her mother.  I had tried to keep them separate and let the character of Steve Wilson quietly disappear but he kept dogging my heels as if we really were in a race together.  There were many ‘if onlys’ going through my mind.  If only Pippa’s mother hadn’t been so controlling.  If only I hadn’t run by the house that day and encountered her mother.  If only her mother hadn’t stopped at the Texaco.  If only I had told Pippa the truth sooner.  If only, if only.  Those two words could have been my salvation at the time if only the ‘if onlys’ hadn’t happened.

There was another fleeting moment where I thought another lie could salvage the situation.  Wouldn’t it have been easier to just say that Steve Wilson did work the opposing overnight shift?  I could have told her that Steve couldn’t accompany Pippa to the drive-in because Ben was off the night of her birthday and so Steve had to work.  Operation-Drive-In could still be a possibility because Pippa’s mother would have to accept Pippa would be alone with Ben and Sandra.  I could still be with her as myself.  We could deal with everything later.  I could eventually tell her the truth about Steve Wilson and we’d have a good laugh about it.  All of the ‘coulds’ were just as bad as the ‘if onlys’.  There was nothing left for me but to tell her the truth.

We had still been hugging and whispering into each other’s ears.  I didn’t want that to stop.  I wanted to hold onto her and never let her go.  The buildup of the deception was going to push us apart.  Maybe we could have laughed about it in the future after her birthday or after we were married or after we had grown old together.  I knew at that moment telling her the truth in the dark in the carport would hold no humour.

“I’m Steve Wilson,” I said coolly.  There was no other way to break it to her.

Pippa pushed me away and stepped back.  “What do you mean you’re Steve Wilson?”  There were a gang of emotions in her question.  I sensed confusion as well as disappointment and sadness and anger.

I told Pippa everything.  I stressed how much I loved her and reminded her of how I had loved her the first time I saw her.  I talked about the strain on our relationship with only stolen moments.  I told her how I had panicked when I met her mother and I had never intended for everything to go any further than just helping her mother carry that recliner to the curb.  I even told her how I had considered telling her the truth and to getting her to go along with my Steve Wilson ruse and later I had decided against telling her the truth because I knew how much it would hurt her.  I was hoping she would realize that not divulging the truth had been inspired by her telling me that was what she would do to avoid causing me pain.

I felt no relief in telling her the truth.  Everything came out and she stood there and listened.  After it had all been told, I saw her bristle and her arm came up and I knew that another slap was in store.

I grabbed her arm and said “not this time, Pippa.   I may deserve it and I have been and will continue to beat myself up over this but you slapping me again is something neither of us wants.”

She started to cry and raised her voice.  “You bastard!  How could you do this to me, Jeff?”  Pink was gone.  That omission was as good as a slap to my soul.

I tried to reach out for her but she continued to back away.

“Pippa, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.  Can’t we talk about this?”

“No Jeff, we can’t,” she replied through sobs.  “You know how I am with trust.  You violated something sacred.  After all I’ve been through this past year and you do this?  You need to leave.”

“Please Pippa,” I said beggingly.  I am sure I was crying as well.
Suddenly there was a light turned on in the house and Pippa’s mother could be heard calling her name.  I dropped down to the ground in order to hide myself behind the car.  Pippa dried her eyes and walked toward the side door.

I could hear her mother at the door.  “Who were you talking to dear?”
I still remember Pippa’s voice and her words.  The tone was empty of emotion.  The words were like a knife.

“No one mother.  No one at all.”

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