Chapter 22: Parking lot

‘This is going to be the most boring road trip ever.’
~some idiot who forgot about jinxes

Road trips. Typically hours upon hours of driving with nothing to do. Typically not running from attack helicopters with terrible aim. Also typically not just sitting in a stationary car, so I guess this really doesn't count as a road trip at all. Huh.

So, yeah, I'm bad at naming and all that jazz, but hey, at least Jago can drive. These helicopters are insane though, it’s like they have absolutely no sense of–SHIT!

Dodge, dodge, dodge, move left, MOVE LEFT!

"Bāgha ātmā, malā'ī mārgadarśana garnuhōs"

Pfew, that was crazy for a bit there.

Sorry, where was I? Uh… road trip? No, suicide bomber-esque attack helicopters, that’s where I was. So yeah, that happens here. Fortunately without shredding everything because the propellers break physics and just pop off instead of doing the reasonable thing and shattering when they hit the ground at multiple times the speed of fast. Also, for a base, isn’t this a bit too many attack vehicles? Like, it makes sense for there to be some, but not ten attack helicopters. Supplies have to– TANK! IT’S RAINING TANK!

“Oh mai gōd!”

That was the worst English I have ever heard. Completely appropriate when a tank lands barrel first a few feet in front of you, but terrible diction. Well, at least that’s -It’s raining men! Hallelujah! -not the time brain, also, those aren’t men, it’s raining robots!

“Jago, come in”

There was a radio the whole time?

“Ali vyasta, jatātatai rōbōṭa”

Oh, not a radio, just a car-phone thing. Makes sense I guess. I really need to get better about noticing things. Also, I may have panicked too early this time; turns out, gatling gun handed robots don’t fly. Also, they shatter. Also also, they didn't get the memo that guns shoot.

“Hot exfil it is, Grab TJ and go, I’ll meet you at site Charlie”

Whoops, thought that too soon, one of them had enough sense to actually use the gun bits and is peppering us from the air- and it stopped? Also, were those bullets rubber?

“U kahām̐ cha?” 

Oh, the gun's barrels just melted. 

“Good question, where are you TJ? 

And instead of getting new guns, it jumped out to be an impromptu robot-projectile. 

"TJ? Come in TJ. Oh, right, he doesn't have a comm line."

And it missed, good driving there Jago. Well then.

"Wait, I see him, I’ll take him with me, go for bravo then, we got what we wanted.”

… And now the robot bits on the ground are exploding. Who directed this, M*chael B*y?

“Bujhiyō”

Also, where'd that chopper go? And why were they here? Also, where'd the rest go, that was only two- the second rotor of the Chinook-styled monstrosity randomly explodes, sending it careening into the underbrush, where it proceeds to roll three times and end right-side up in front of our escape path. 

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“See you there. Orchid, out”

Well… 
That was certainly…
Something?
My gamer-sense is tingling.
Or maybe it's just my ears from all the random explosions I hear in the distance.
Maybe that's what happened to the other choppers.
In any case, this feels like Videogame levels of Plot screaming to loot this.
Okay universe, I am convinced.

It is time

To Loot. 

Jago, man the car, I'm looking for loot!
“Parkhanuhōs, rōknuhōs! Ra yō ga'ēkō cha…”

Entering the back of the helicopter, it's surprisingly empty. Well, not really surprising actually, it did just dump a tank and some twenty plus robots, but I was still expecting something like a locker built into the back wall maybe. Heck, I’d settle for a toolbox. There's really nothing, not even the fabric ties you usually see in action movies, just bare aircraft metal.
Maybe the cockpit will have something? There’s always something in the pilot’s seat in games. A manual or an id maybe?
I enter the cockpit.

Videogames.

You lied to me.

There isn’t even a pilot’s seat in this thing! It’s just a computer! Really plain looking black boxy office computer too, just plugged in, bolted to the ground at the four corners and wired to where you’d usually-no, they ripped all the buttons and switches out to shove the wires into the controls, it's actually a standard control board under all those cables. Is that wasteful? It feels wasteful. Also probably a safety violation. And all of this is a distraction from my dreams of loot. I’m taking the PC out of spite, but since I can’t get anything actually useful from the chopper, I’m at least taking a gatling gun arm from the droid next to the crash for future-me to make work. You can't stop me, universe! I will have two hands! Well, I guess a gatling gun would technically not be a second hand, so maybe you could stop that one? Let's change my internal yell here. I will have two arms! You can't stop me!

I locate the arm

I pick it up

Come on body, you heard me

I PICK IT UP.

Heave! (85lb for M134, designed for robots so more, average person lifts 35-40 lbs 1 handed, double for raptor still isn't enough. Also, finally found the button to do these!)

Okay, that was a nice warmup, one more try.

HEAVE!

… Did I get it?

Nope.

One more try?

The arm stubbornly remains attached to the android under the bulk of the helicopter wreckage.

I fail to pick it up.

VIDEOGAMES!!!

YOU LIED TO ME!