Chapter 13: 13 – Conflicted

I sat alone in my room on my chair staring at the number displayed on my phone. How had this happened? I wanted to find out more about what it was like to be transgender… and we ended up exchanging phone numbers. Well, alright, it didn’t really mean anything. We were just friends, yes. I already had the love of my life, and I wasn’t going to be unfaithful.

Anyway… the more I dug into the topic of being transgender, the more I became fascinated. It’s been a while since I felt like I was learning something, exploring a new topic. Why hadn’t I learned this back at school? Something so important… Like, what if I had been trans? I would have never figured it out until way later in life. Another reason to hate school, I guess.

After spending a few hours researching on the internet, I became a mess of various emotions. 

First of all… was it some sort of rule to look absolutely gorgeous if you were a trans girl? While browsing pictures of various trans people, just like with Fern, I couldn’t tell they were trans. Well, that was kind of the point, wasn’t it? Still, I couldn’t believe it. If anyone could think of these beautiful girls as guys then that person was either blind or just plain stupid.

That aside… it must have really sucked to be trans. Like damn, these people suffered every day while everyone else happily lived their life without any such worries. It made me feel guilty. After all, my new job required me to pretend to be a girl on a daily basis. It almost felt like I was making fun of all trans people on the planet by cross-dressing. What would Fern think if she found out? She would probably be disgusted. Sure, all is fair in love and war… but you’d still feel guilty if you used some especially underhanded tactics.

Ugh, since I had nothing planned for today, I wanted to become Aster again and get an early start in my new work. After all, while Fractal said I didn’t have to come to work till Monday, he also didn’t say I couldn’t come on Sunday. Since I already felt bad for pretending to have superpowers, I was going to make up for it by being the hardest working employee he had ever had!

But then… after putting on the Aster outfit and getting a good look at myself in the mirror again, it made me feel like a disgusting fraud. Why couldn’t I just be Aster?! I was a fraud on all fronts. Not a real girl, didn’t actually have superpowers.

I let out a deep sigh as my eyes dropped. Somehow, I didn’t see Aster the cute girl in the mirror anymore, but a gross disrespectful guy Cain pretending to be something he wasn’t. Maybe I should come clean. Tell Fractal I’d been lying to him and face whatever consequences he would have prepared for me… and then crawl back to my old boss and beg to be hired again… if I survived Fractal’s wrath, that is.

Yeah… what was I even planning on doing once I finally met Iron Pack again anyway? Even if somehow she accepted my confession, would I pretend to be a girl forever? One day she would find out who I really was. And then my next destination would be a metallic stomach of a canine.

God! And that’s even assuming she would reciprocate my feelings. But why would she ever do that? Who would actually like someone like me?

A knock on the door jerked me out of my negative spiral.

“Hey, uh, are you there?”

I stared at the door for a second before getting up and opening it. “Yeah?”

Troy stared at my pathetic self for a second before finally asking, “Are… you okay?”

I looked down on myself and remembered I still had the Aster outfit on. “Ugh, sorry.”

I almost tore the hoodie and skirt off of me and tossed them on the floor in anger. I grabbed a random featureless shirt lying nearby and got into the first pants I found on the floor.

“So… what did you need again?”

“I…” He shook his head. “Actually… I think I want to apologize.”

“What? Apologize? What for?” I frowned.

Troy was getting so out of character at this point, that I couldn’t help but seriously suspect an extraterrestrial interference. Or maybe a supervillain got his hands on him. This wasn’t funny anymore.

“It’s… well… for that punishment game. Forcing you to dress in that was going way overboard. And then you even got assaulted by a supervillain…”

I sighed. Was that it? Was that the whole reason he had been acting so weird since then? Did he simply… feel guilty?

“It’s fine… it’s not like anything happened to me in the end…” I sighed again.

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He stared at me for a second. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

“You’ve… been acting very differently since then.”

Oh crap! Was he suspecting I had a crush on Iron Pack? I couldn’t let him find out now!

“Like… you had some realization or something.”

Nonono! Stop it!

“But at the same time, you’re still denying it.”

Wait… what? I was denying it?

“Sorry… I’m not very good at this, am I?” He laughed in a self-deprecating manner.

“Uhm…”

“But it’s fine! It’s a lot to take in for you, I know. So take as much time as you need! Because in the end, I know you’ll come out of it all laughing like you always do!”

Well, now he totally lost me. And again saying to take my time, but never bothering to say with what. Was that some kind of meme now?

“Uh, sure?” I tilted my head.

“Yeah… so… Anyway, I actually came here to ask you if you wanted to come hang out with us at Kelly’s place. You know, play games, have fun, get your mind off of things.”

“Nah, I…” I stopped myself from automatically declining. In a way, hanging around with everyone like we did before all of this happened actually sounded like exactly what I needed right now. “Yeah, actually, I’m on board. Just let me get changed.”

I entered my room again and noticed my reflection in the mirror. A sigh left my mouth in instinct, but somehow, I felt better than before. Troy’s nonsensical blabbering lifted my spirits. Moreover, I remembered Fern. How she just did what she wanted and didn’t let anyone stand in her way. I’d wanted to be more like her, didn’t I?

Yeah… Yeah! Screw you depression! I do what I want! And I want to find Iron Pack and confess to her! And if I have to dress up as a girl to do so, I’ll do it! And if someone calls me a creep, I’ll kick their butt! Yeah!

Invigorated with energy, I changed into the Aster outfit again. Why? Because I could! And nobody could deny me this right!

Yeah!

I marched out of my room full of confidence, put on some minimal amount of make-up in the bathroom, and got ready to leave. Troy stared at me for a second before cracking a sympathetic smile for some reason.

No matter, I was going to hang out with my friends, and I was going to do it while dressed as a girl! Yeah!

BottledChaos

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