Chapter 23: Chapter Twenty Three: Goldfish Poop Gang

“Okay, break time,” Chosen One said as they walked towards the inn. Qube stifled her panicked reaction. Was he going to break the Exiled Prince and Princess? Instead, he went to a Save Point in the middle of the city square. Qube blinked at it in confusion —how could she possibly have missed that earlier?

 

The Chosen One passed his hand through the blue ball of light, and Qube felt like one of her confusion blinks lasted an eternity.

 

“All right!” The Chosen One said, stretching himself. “Time to go!” He sounded completely reinvigorated from interacting with the Save Point. “Now, where were we going…?” He trailed off as he stared into the distance, eyes unfocused. Qube eyed the Save Point, her curiosity burning. The Save Point was something just for the Chosen One, so perhaps he was directly drawing energy from the Golden Prophecy? Or communing with it somehow? She itched to try it out, but held herself back. She knew her place.

 

“Forbidden Forest!” Chosen One said suddenly. “Oh yeah, side quests.” And, with that, he started forward rolling back out into the wilds.

 

Once again nothing attacked them as the party travelled back to the Forbidden Forest, which was really going to need to be renamed now that it was no longer cursed. Even Sewer Bard and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady were surprisingly silent as the group ran behind the Chosen One’s eternally rolling form.

 

It was rather nice, really.

 

But, like all good things, it was over far too soon, as the jungle-like Forest rapidly grew on the horizon. The torches were still burning in a very unsafe manner, but the guard at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest had transformed into a willowy wood elf Warrior. His spear had also grown to match his new size, which seemed remarkably convenient. Had the spear been cursed too, or had they had to make custom ones for their mutated forms?

 

Thinking about it, Qube had no idea how long the denizens of the Forbidden Forest had even been cursed for. And now she had no idea how to bring it up to the wood elves without seeming rude. She would have to find a subtle way to introduce the topic to Sexy Screamy Spider Lady later.

 

“Hero!” The Warrior said, ignoring the rest of the group. “Have you heard about our bandit problem?” 

 

The Chosen One stopped and silently stood in front of the Warrior. After a beat, the Warrior continued talking.

 

“It’s been a real problem. A group of cutthroat bandits have made camp just outside the Forbidden Forest, so we’re unable to leave! Travellers have reported that they are hiding in a cave nearby. I’m sure Oberon would reward you if you drove them off.”

 

“I accept.” The Chosen One said, before walking past the warrior and further down the path.

 

“Um, Chosen One? Aren’t we going to go defeat the bandits?” Qube asked.

 

“Yeah,” The Chosen One said, “but first I’m going to get all the quests logged. Should save on backtracking. After all,” he said grinning at Qube, “this was your idea. It’ll be a great chance to improve our teamwork.”

 

Qube looked at Sewer Bard, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, and Definitely Bad Guy.

 

“I can’t wait!” she lied.

 

---

 

It took them hours to gather up all the quests. Every single wood elf seemed to have a quest they wanted done, and while some of them were the more I-could-do-this-but-I’d-rather-you-do-it-for-some-reason or “socials” as the Chosen One kept calling them, a surprising number of elves wanted to first tell Chosen One their entire life story, followed by discussing exactly how dangerous this gang of bandits were, their relief at no longer being cursed, and only then getting to the meat of the matter: namely spitting out what they actually needed done.

 

For Qube, it had been at first very exciting to hear so much about this whole new culture. She’d never actually known her parents; none of the Potentials had, and there had been no other half-elves or elves in the village. But after the first hour she was wondering if the Chosen One actually needed her by his side while he gathered all the missions, or if she could just go quietly wait somewhere. None of the other party members seemed to have any problem standing behind the Chosen One while strangers droned on and on about a nest of spiders on their roof or whatever, and for once Qube wasn’t interested in being the very best Companion ever.

 

It had something to do with seeing the Evil Emperor. Every time she thought about their encounter, she wanted to go back in time and yell at him, or gesture at him, or something rather than just dumbly standing there and having Definitely Bad Guy promising to protect her. Not that she objected to having someone swear to protect her no matter what! She flushed at the thought. But the fact that she hadn’t said a word, pointless though it would have been from such a distance, it made her feel… angry. And frustrated. And restless.

 

“Okay, I think that’s everything!” The Chosen One announced.

 

“Huh?” Qube snapped back to the present.

 

The Chosen One stared at her.

 

“Were you actually not paying attention?” he asked incredulously. 

 

“W-what? No! I just... was planning how to fight the bandits!” Qube hurriedly covered herself. “I think they should be our top priority!”

 

“What was the last quest we got given?” The Chosen One said, watching her intently. Qube hesitated, before the information came to her in a rush.

 

“Making sure to collect enough berries for Apothecary Joycelyn to restart her potion and tailoring business.” Qube recited. She had no idea how she knew that, but that was unimportant. “But first we should formulate a plan for driving off the bandits.”

 

“We could just kill them,” Definitely Bad Guy said, flames dancing around his fingertips. Sewer Bard and Sexy Screamy Spider, being unable to hear Qube, looked at Definitely Bad Guy in confusion. “Roast Bandit is quite a delicacy in Fireland.” Definitely Bad Guy purred.

 

“That is not very Good, Definitely Bad Guy.” Qube scolded him.

 

Sewer Bard strummed his lute thoughtfully. “Burning them could help me with the next verse of ‘Fire Solves Everything’,” he admitted. “What do you think, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady?”

 

“I think if things get hot, I want to be in the thick of it.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, absent-mindedly running her claws down her thorax.

 

“Burning the bandits alive it is then,“ the Saviour of All Human and Human-Adjacent Beings said cheerfully. “Let’s go!”

 

---

 

It was a delicate balancing act, being a Prophecy Approved Companion destined to guide the Chosen One to save all living (non evil) creatures. On the one hand, it was her Golden Prophecy-ordained duty to give advice to the Chosen One. On the other, she couldn’t actually stop him from ignoring her.

 

“But what if we tried reasoning with them first? I’m sure once they realise they are standing against the Chosen One, there is no way they will want to fight to the death.”

 

“No, they will,” the Chosen One said confidently.

 

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“But how can you know that? They are presumably rational human or human-adjacent beings. Once they see our extremely expensive armour, your Sacred Sword, and the fact that we have the most powerful Mage in the lands with us, of course they will have no choice but to retreat! These are not hardened soldiers we’re dealing with!”

 

For some reason the Chosen One started laughing at that.

 

“Okay, tell you what,” he said. “If you want to try talking to them first, go ahead. If that fails, then we’ll fight.”

 

Qube beamed at him, before quickly realising the flaw in that plan.

 

“Wait, I’m invisible,” she said.

 

“And here we are!” the Chosen One announced as they arrived at a crossroads. To the side of the crossroads, there was a cave jutting straight out of the ground.

 

“How can you tell?” Definitely Bad Guy asked, squinting at the cave entrance.

 

The Chosen One pointed to a pole sticking out of the ground next to the cave. It had a giant skull mounted on it, and bloody handprints on the pole itself. There were also several knapsacks strewn around, some empty and others with glimmers of gold tantalizingly visible.

 

“Bandit Camp,” the Chosen One said.

 

“Well, well, well. Looks like we got a real smart guy here, don’t we boys?” a voice said from inside the cave. Qube, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, Sewer Bard and Definitely Bad Guy looked at the cave in confusion. The voice’s accent was strange, like nothing any of them had ever heard before. It was oddly nasal, and the last syllable of each word seemed unnecessarily drawn out.

 

“Yeah boss, yeah! Maybe we outta crack open his skull, see how big his brains are!” a much higher-pitched, screechier version of the first voice rang out.

 

“Huh huh. Big brain,” a low, still accented, voice said.

 

From the cave emerged the three strangest Bandits Qube had ever seen. They were also the most normal-looking Bandits she’d ever seen, since she’d never actually seen a Bandit before. Unless… did Rogues count as Bandits?

 

The three Bandits were dressed wildly differently. One of the Bandits, a large bald man, was wearing overalls and holding an axe. The regular-sized Bandit, although still on the slim side for someone who made their living fighting, was wearing a strange leather jacket, poorly painted black, with his black-painted hair plastered back on his head. The final Bandit was tiny, jumping from side to side, trying to hold four knives at once, his leathers embedded with a multitude of outward facing knives. It would have been extremely difficult for him to put on his clothes without stabbing himself, Qube thought. All three Bandits were wearing large kerchiefs around their mouths, as if to hide their identities. Strangely, it didn’t seem to muffle their speech at all.

 

“You’re in our territory, punks, so you gotta pay the toll!” the medium-sized Bandit said, stepping forward.

 

What was a punk? Qube wondered. These Bandits must have come from a very far away place.

 

“Yeah! Gotta pay the road toll! Or we’ll cut you, see?” the scrawny one said, jabbing his fistfuls of knives at them menacingly.

 

“Toll,” the large one rumbled.

 

The Chosen One glared at them.

 

“This is pretty immersion breaking,” he complained. “Why are there Greasers here?”

 

Greasers. Hmm. They must be from a place called Grease. Qube nodded to herself; she was pretty sure she’d read about a place called that in one of the village’s library books.

 

“Well if you want to try negotiating with them, now’s the time to do it.” The Chosen One told Qube, grinning.

 

“Chosen One, please!” Qube said, distressed. Sewer Bard looked up, and focused on Qube’s general area.

 

“Methinks I hear our beloved Healer in distress,” he declared dramatically. “Noble Patron, what is occurring to her?” Sewer Bard reached out a hand towards Qube, intending it to be a comforting gesture. Instead, he just hit her arm. “What ails you, fair maiden?”

 

“Hey! Don’t you be ignoring us!” Middle Bandit said, attempting to slick back his paint-covered hair.

 

“Yeah! That’s real impolite, when we’re talking right atcha!” the little one said, his agitated jumping from side to side intensifying.

 

“Real impolite,” the mammoth added.

 

“Trying to take advantage of poor, innocent travelers, forcing your tolls on them, is also impolite!” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady snapped her fangs together. “What kind of brute does something like that?”

 

The three Bandits looked at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, and each of them turned bright red.

 

“N-Now look here sister! Don’t think you can use your feminine wiles on us! We’re hardened Bandits, see?” the leader stammered.

 

“Y-yeah! Don’t think you can bat those big doe eyes at us and our leader will fall for your beauty!” The tiny one was practically vibrating in place, he was dancing from side to side so fast.

 

“Pretty lady,” the big one drooled.

 

Sexy Scream Spider Lady took a step forward, then looked coyly over her shoulder joints at the Chosen One.

 

“You don’t mind if I teach these little boys a lesson in manners, do you?” She asked, batting all eight of her eyes at him. “I wouldn’t want you getting jealous.”

 

“Go right ahead,” the Chosen One said, a gleam of almost unholy delight in his eyes as he watched Sexy Screamy Spider Lady sashay towards the trembling Bandits, her abdomen dragging a zig-zag trail along the road. Sewer Bard glared at the sight, then started sulking.

 

Qube watched in trepidation — she’d never seen Sexy Screamy Spider Lady in action before, and this was bound to be an interesting show!

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