Chapter 25: Chapter Twenty Five: Costume Change

Qube, having hidden herself behind a discreet tree, looked at the Fireproof robe, boots and gloves she was holding, and had to stop herself from doing a little dance in glee. She quickly flung off her robe and boots, pulled on her new outfit, looked down at herself, and… nothing had changed.

 

She stared down at the clothes she was wearing. They were exactly the same as the ones she’d just taken off. She looked at her old robe and boots, somehow neatly folded on the ground. Maybe she’d put them on wrong? She took off her Fireproof boots, only for them to turn bright red as soon as they were removed.

 

Strange. She carefully pulled off her robe - same thing. As soon as it was free of her body, it went back to its original bright red flair.

 

She could figure this out. There had to be some kind of magical activation phrase or rune, something so basic that the others, being connoisseurs of clothing, had thought she already knew. Something she’d missed them doing in their super quick changing. Should she go out there and admit to them all that she’d never worn a different outfit before? She cringed at the thought.

 

“Clothing activate!” she whispered to her robes. “Activate clothes!” Her outfit remained stubbornly the same. “Fire proofing power go!” she hissed.

 

“What are you doing?” came a most unwelcome voice. 

 

“I’m getting changed!” she shrieked at the Chosen One, and threw one of her boots at his head. It whizzed past him harmlessly, but she still felt a moment of panic that she’d hurled a projectile at the Saviour of All.

 

“I’m sorry! I’m just… having some trouble with my outfit.” She licked her lips, trying to think of how to get out of this situation.

 

The Chosen One, who now had his back to her to preserve her modesty in her undressed state (although in actuality she was only missing her boots), called over his shoulder.

 

“Did you want me to ask Sexy Screamy Spider Lady to come help you?”

 

“She can't see me!” Qube almost wailed. “How would that help? The only ones here who can even see me are you and Definitely Bad Guy!” Oh, why was it never anyone useful who would see her? The only ones who could see her, other than the Evil Emperor (who, being the one to cast the curse, would obviously be able to see her), were the Dryad Queen/Mother Gothel (who wanted to kill her), the Beast (who was now a wolf), Definitely Bad Guy (whom she was not going to allow to help her change) and that bear.

 

Her mind felt strange, like she was stretching a muscle she’d never used before.

 

They were the only ones who could see her since the curse had been laid.

 

The tension in her mind built.

 

Why were they the only ones who had been able to see her since she had become invisible?

 

The mental muscle quivered, almost at its tearing point.

 

What did they all have in common?

 

It snapped, and Qube knew what she had to do.

 

 “Could you please… could you please bring Sexy Screamy Spider Lady here?” she asked the Chosen One, her legs shaking. “I’d like to ask her a question.”

 

---

 

“Is it okay if she heals me?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady repeated back to the Chosen One, baffled. 

 

The Chosen One shrugged. “That’s what she said.”

 

“But my dear, I am not injured,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady told the Chosen One, as if worried about his mental facilities. “And, while I would obviously love some intimate healing from our darling little Healer, I’m afraid I don’t see the point right now.”

 

“Please,” Qube begged the Chosen One, “I really think it’s important.”

 

The Chosen One looked at her.

 

“She’s begging now,” he told Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, whose multitudes of eyes flared in sudden interest.

 

“Oh, is she now?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady practically purred, her stitched-on children’s faces leering. 

 

Qube started to rethink her plan. Maybe having Sewer Bard able to see her wouldn’t be too bad after all. He hadn’t said anything too weird today, except for when he’d started calling her his “unseen but not unknown beauty”, but he’d stopped after the Chosen One said it was making her cry from shyness, a categorically false accusation that had nevertheless been remarkably effective.

 

“No, my little dear, my little miss muffet, let me comfort you,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady cooed, approaching the space, her legs taller than ever due to her red high heels. “Heal me, then, for far be it for me to deny a girl her pleasure.”

 

Qube gulped, closed her eyes, and cast [Heal] on Sexy Screamy Spider Lady.

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady stopped stalking towards Qube. Qube opened her eyes tentatively. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady stood in place, shivering, before violently shaking. In the blur of all her limbs and body moving at once, Qube thought she saw a glimpse of a young female Wood Elf, who looked like a mix between the ruler of the Forbidden Forest and his bodyguard. And then that figure was gone, as Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s legs started flailing about, striking at everything within range, totally out of control, her claws gouging chunks out of the trees around them. 

 

“[Lesser Shield]!” Qube gasped out, instantly protecting the Chosen One, who rolled in front of her and popped up, shield already out. But Sexy Screamy Spider Lady seemed unable to touch them, her arms and legs sliding past them as her children’s eyes rolled back in their heads and spittle foamed out of their mouths.

 

The Chosen One glanced down at Qube, his expression a mixture of horror and glee.

 

“You did this on purpose!” he crowed in delight, “This is amazing!” He laughed as his arachnid companion spasmed wildly before him, before falling onto her back, her legs curling up, her innumerable eyes finally closed.

 

“What- what is happening?” Sewer Bard and Definitely Bad Guy, drawn by the noise, came running. Qube shrank behind the Chosen One for a brief second, before pulling herself together.

 

“Sexy Screamy Spider Lady!” she cried, ducking past the Chosen One’s shield and running up to the curled-up ball of spiders fur. “Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, are you — are you awake? I didn’t think it would — I didn’t mean to hurt you. Oh, please wake up!”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady stirred. Qube leant over her as her main eight eyes opened, and Qube saw herself reflected a thousand times in fractured compounds.

 

“Well,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, rather hoarsely, “you do know how to give a girl a good time, don’t you?” She gently reached up and ran a claw through Qube’s hair. “It’s nice to finally meet you. But, maybe next time, let’s try that when I’m not wearing new shoes.”

 

Qube looked at the gouges torn through the earth by Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s high heels, and blushed.

 

“Sure thing,” she promised, and gave a misty smile.

 

---

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady stared at Qube’s outfit with intense concentration.

 

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“I’m sorry, love,” she said eventually, “I have no idea why your outfit isn’t working.”

 

“But can’t I just activate it?” Qube pleaded.

 

“Some clothes, yes, you need to activate them, but these ones are just always on. Hmm.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady thoughtfully tapped her lower mandible with a claw.  Qube was secretly relieved that a) clothing activation was, in fact, a thing and b) that it wasn’t her fault that her clothes were broken. “It may have something to do with that Evil Emperor’s curse,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said. All of her various faces frowned. “Imagine making such a sweet little thing like you invisible! I will have to punish him most severely. Don’t worry pet, I’ll make him cry for mercy by the time I’m done with him.” She tucked some of Qube’s hair behind her ear, the hollow fur on her claw getting caught in Qube’s hair, and accidentally yanking it.

 

Qube hid her wince, and displayed her best Understanding Smile.

 

“Thank you, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady,” she said.

 

“Oh you are just so cute! I could just eat you up!” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady cooed, her fangs glistening in the sunlight. “Don’t you agree, Chosen One?”

 

The Chosen One looked up from where he was re-organising his backpack.

 

“Huh? Yeah. Sure. We’ll go into the Fire Temple and if it starts to hurt her then we’ll know that the outfit’s not working. Would be a pity if it doesn’t, though.” 

 

Qube nodded. “Exactly! How am I supposed to guide you if I can’t be there to give you my advice?” she said.

 

The Chosen One looked sheepish for a second. “Ah, yes, that’s why. I mean, that’s what I meant. Which is why we should go to the Fire Temple right away!”

 

Qube frowned slightly, but kept her Understanding Smile going.

 

“Then let’s go!” she said.

 

---

 

They had to backtrack through the Forbidden Forest to get to the Fire Temple. After a brief nap in the Forest village for the “ex pee boost” as Chosen One put it, the Wood Elf leader led them to a hidden path.

 

“Through here, you will be able to reach the Fire Volcano,” he said solemnly. “Make sure you are well stocked before you set out, for you will not be able to easily turn back. Do not leave the path, or else the heat may overcome you.”

 

Qube didn’t see how sticking to the path would help them not be overcome from heat exhaustion. Surely it would be better for them to carry water with them? But maybe the path was made out of something special that conducted heat away from it?

 

After about ten minutes of walking down the path, the thick jungle-like Forest suddenly fell away, and Qube saw her very first volcano.

 

It was horrifying.

 

Where there had been verdant green and a riot of colours, now there was only red, brown and black. The blasted landscape was devoid of life, with only a few tufs of strange red leaves sticking out from various cracks next to the pitch black path. Qube only hoped the Chosen One didn’t poison himself on them before she could test them.

 

The path itself was totally and utterly straight, cutting through the dead land that had buckled around it, as if it had been flung down from the skies by a very precise architect. The only deviation was where it reached the volcano itself. Once it reached the base of the volcano it started to rise up, circling up the side of the volcano about half a dozen times before reaching the top of the volcano itself, and disappearing.

 

From the lip of the volcano there spewed a steady stream of lava. It seemed to burrow underneath the path, creating ribbons of red that slowly met up with other strands and formed rivers of instant death, before pooling around the bottom of the volcano and creating an ever-shifting moat. The only safe way up the volcano was the path, and even then gouts of lava would occasionally spurt over it, only to be repelled by whatever magic kept that strip of darkness intact.

 

As if sensing their presence, the volcano rumbled, shaking the group from miles away, and another plume of ash rose to join the ever-present cloud hanging above it.

 

It looked like certain doom.

 

Qube snuck a glance at the Chosen One. He was calmly looking around the vista of utter devastation with an expression of mild interest. For some reason it reminded her of his face when he’d tried to kill the Dryad Queen. It was… oddly detached, like a painter studying a piece of art. Even though she’d known him her entire life, in that moment he felt a stranger to her. What kind of person could be so unmoved by such a scene?

 

And then he looked at her, and smiled.

 

“Don’t look so sad! Don’t worry; if you start catching on fire, you can ride Sexy Screamy Spider Lady to the volcano,” he reassured her. “I’m sure she’d like that.”

 

“It would be my pleasure,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady purred.

 

Oh. That was the kind of person. An -

 

“-absolute lunatic if you think I’m going to ride Sexy Screamy Spider Lady!” she yelled at the Chosen One.

 

“You’re right. That stupid Beastkeeper wouldn’t let me take a saddle,” the Chosen One pouted.

 

“The problem isn’t the saddle!” Qube yelled.

 

“I’ve never needed a saddle to be ridden before,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady added unhelpfully.

 

“I refuse to allow such a deviant to carry her! If needs be, I will carry her!” Definitely Bad Guy argued.

 

“It would be an honour to carry such a fair maiden,” Sewer Bard said, bowing in Qube’s general direction.

 

“Oh honey, you can’t even imagine how deviant I can get,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady hissed at Definitely Bad Guy.

 

“No, the Beastkeeper was pretty clear you need a saddle to actually ride, as opposed to just shoulder sitting,” the Chosen One told Qube earnestly. “You could just sit on anyone’s shoulders, I suppose,” he rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

 

“I have no interest in your vulgar activities,” Definitely Bad Guy snorted at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady.

 

“How dare you call such a sensual creature as Sexy Screamy Spider Lady vulgar!” Sewer Bard bristled. “While her physical form may be of a spider (according to our Noble Patron), her heart is that of the most skilled seductress you have ever met!”

 

“Used to be a spider, my dear,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady absentmindedly corrected Sewer Bard, “and even as a spider I could still teach this prude a thing or two.”

 

Qube stared out at the barren land before her.

 

Maybe, if she flung herself off the path, she would pass out from heat exhaustion, and not have to deal with this anymore.

 

Yes. That would be nice.

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