Chapter 34: Chapter Thirty Four: Unexpected User Side Effect

The Chosen One stared at the puddle of vomit at his feet in absolute shock. Then he looked up at Qube, his face ashen.

 

“Why would they program this?” he asked her, before throwing up again.

 

“[Lesser Heal],” Qube said soothingly. She’d run out of full [Heal]s for the moment, but she was hoping this would at least settle his stomach.

 

The Chosen One abruptly stopped vomiting.

 

“Oh, that worked.” He blinked. “I… thank you. Good job… you,” he said rather awkwardly.

 

Qube flushed in pleasure at her own quick thinking and his obviously overwhelming gratitude. Ever since they’d defeated the first Boss she and the Chosen One seemed to be becoming closer and closer, no doubt in recognition of her skills as a guiding light!

 

She wondered briefly what his plans were, once they finished saving the world. Would he like to do TIMES research with her? What did a Chosen One do, after the task they’d been Chosen for was done?

 

The Chosen One took a shaky step forward. The puddle of puke at his feet faded away as he stepped over it. Qube looked at where the mess had been, intrigued. When had they actually last eaten? Why had it disappeared? Was this a self-cleaning Temple? Did Temples have preferred —

 

Her latest line of thought was interrupted by the Chosen One once again sticking his hand out towards the Giant Lava Slime. The Giant Lava Slime, having reappeared back in its original position, didn’t seem to want to discuss the physics-based nightmare that had just occurred. Instead, it was continuing to hold forth on how amazing life for the slimes would be, now they actually had a steady supply of food.

 

The Chosen One, who still seemed a little dazed, didn’t even bother interrupting the slime, or the salamander when it appeared. Instead he just stood there, gently swaying, waiting for the rulers to finish.

 

“Which is why the slime people have, as a collecting unit, decided to bestow upon you the title Friend of the Slimes, and give you these rewards!” the Giant Lava Slime announced. It seemed to concentrate intensely, almost squeezing itself into a ball, and from the centre of its chest there popped out a tiny crystalised version of the True Fire, with what looked like a small red firebug glowing inside of it.

 

“This will let you defeat the Evil Emperor, and bring peace back to the lands!”

 

“Neat,” the Chosen One said, waving his hand in the general direction of the gem, causing it to vanish.

 

“The second gift is that of —”

 

The Giant Lava Slime vanished as the King Salamander came back into existence on the other side of the room, holding a deep red gem that looked identical to the one the Giant Lava Slime had produced. Qube wondered where they went — did they have any memories of whatever void they went to? Was it the black disc with that squiggle dragon? Was that what it had looked like when the party had been transported? She would have to ask them via the Chosen One once they had finished their speeches… and rewarding them.

 

Qube was pretty sure the Chosen One would have a fit if she tried to interrupt him acquiring “loot.”

 

“Thisss one-of-a-kind gem, the Death Volcano Gem—” Qube gave a start of surprise, as she realised she’d never actually known the name of the volcano. Death Volcano? That was an even more ominous and off-putting name than Forbidden Forest! Although, technically, most volcanoes would bring death if they exploded. Or perhaps the King Salamander was referring to the fact that they had been unable to evolve into their true forms? And that the lava slime had been unable to eat for apparently exactly 100 years? That would have eventually caused death… possibly.

 

Maybe she could talk to the gentleman at the royal bestiary, and find out what the biology of both salamanders and slimes were. Any information about the species they were likely to run across would probably be useful, so she didn’t make an embarrassing gaffe like thinking that you couldn’t hurt creatures made entirely out of fire with fireballs, or some other nonsense.

 

Not that she would ever make a mistake like that! Ha! Ha. Haaaa.

 

Qube coughed, drawing the Chosen One’s attention towards her.

 

“How do they both have the gems? Aren’t they one-of-a-kind?”

 

The Chosen One ignored the King Salamander as said King explained the importance of the Death Volcano Gem in bringing order back to the world and casually waved his hand in the general direction of the King Salamander, causing the gem to disappear.

 

“Yeah, they are,” he said, pivoting on a heel as the King Salamander flickered out of existence, hand already outstretched to receive the Giant Lava Slime’s gift. As he completed his pivot, he suddenly staggered, and clutched his head.

 

“Nope,” he said, swallowing hard. “Okay. Turns out that spell of yours didn’t fix it entirely.”

 

“I’m so sorry! Let me try again!” Qube cried. She’d failed to properly [Lesser Heal] the Chosen One! The Chosen One waved off her protestations.

 

“Don’t,” he said, still holding his head. “This isn’t related to you and your thing,” he paused. “I think,” he added as an afterthought. 

 

“I still feel like vomiting. Like, I actually feel like I’ve just vomited. I really hope this isn’t some kind of feedback issue from ragdolling so hard,” he muttered to himself.

 

“Chosen One? You… did just vomit,” Qube said, timidly putting her hand on his shoulder. He blinked and looked down at her, as if her touch had reminded him that she was still there. She sharply drew in a breath as she identified the emotion lurking in the back of his eyes. An expression she had never, ever seen on his face.

 

Fear.

 

“No, I mean in — nevermind. So what theories do you have about the gem situation?” he asked her, a tinge of desperation in his tone. A part of Qube wanted to tell him that it was okay to not know the answer, to be afraid of being sick or hurt. He didn’t need to cover up how he was feeling around her — she was his Childhood Companion!

 

But also she loved explaining her theories.

 

“Well-!” she started to launch into her latest theory (related to twin-birth) when she was cut off by the King Salamander (the Giant Lava Slime had apparently re-disappeared a few minutes ago) abruptly holding out a red medallion on a leather strap. The Chosen One grabbed at it.

 

“Thisss medallion will allow you to burn away illusssionsss.” The King Salamander sprayed a little on the word ‘illusions.’ “Any ghossstly miragesss will disssappear, leaving only the truth behind. Wear it, and be sssafe.”

 

The King Salamander was definitely deliberately choosing words with ‘s’ in them, Qube decided. There was no way he wasn’t doing that on purpose.

 

The King Salamander popped out, leaving only a fine mist of spittle as the Giant Lava Slime popped in, another identical red medallion in front of it. The Chosen One grabbed at it, causing it to also disappear.

 

“You are welcome to visit us any time!” the Giant Lava Slime burbled happily. “Once we’ve eaten our fill, we’ll have many new shops and attractions open-” it disappeared, replaced by the King Salamander.

 

“- ssso make sssure to return in a few daysss to sssee what we have for sssale,” the giant reptile finished.

 

Qube nearly snorted at the Giant Lava Slime and the King Salamander’s collective hubris. They had a world to save; did these folk really think they would have time to come all the way back to a remote volcano just for some shopping?

 

“[Fiddle] yeah!” the Chosen One cried, pumping a fist into the air. “Double shops! Double shops! Double shops!” he chanted.

 

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As she watched the Saviour of All Human and Human Adjacent Beings practically dance towards the golden doorway, Qube realised that maybe, just maybe, she was destined to never really understand the ways of a Hero.

 

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The golden/magma doorway teleported them to the foot of the volcano. As the Chosen One made a beeline for the Save Point glowing enticingly next to the doorway, Qube looked over her shoulder at Death Volcano. Each step away she took made the volcano flicker — from gold to red, over and over.

 

She was definitely going to need to come back and research this place after they saved the entire world.

 

But also she did need to stop looking at it as she walked, or else she was going to be as sick as the Chosen One. Speaking of — she looked over at the Chosen One, who had just finished interacting with the Save Point.

 

Normally he seemed refreshed after touching a Save Point. This time, however, he seemed… off. Sure, the colour had returned to his face, and he no longer looked like he was going to be violently ill, but he seemed oddly tense.

 

“Chosen One?” she asked, almost hesitantly.

 

The Chosen One didn’t reply. It was almost like he was trying to avoid her gaze. Without saying a word, he started jogging back towards the Forbidden Forest. The party all looked at each other, Sewer Bard even getting remarkably close to actually making eye contact with Qube.

 

The trek back across the landscape of death was remarkable in its unremarkableness. The pitch-black road remained unchanged by the madness occuring behind them, and the Chosen One was choosing to actually walk like a normal person for once, rather than rolling. The Chosen didn’t deviate from his route even once. Every step, every movement — it was totally controlled. The whole party lagged slightly behind him, each in their own unchanging rhythm. Even Sexy Screamy Spider Lady and Sewer Bard were totally silent, for once.

 

It was a little bit creepy, to be honest.

 

Qube sprinted to catch up with the Chosen One.

 

“Chosen One?” she said.

 

He kept jogging, his eyes locked ahead.

 

“Chosen One, I’m sorry I didn’t heal you properly. Are you feeling better?”

 

Not by so much as a flicker of an eyelid did he acknowledge her. His breathing remained a steady inhale-exhale, one breath per three to five minutes. Qube felt her stomach churning with anxiety.

 

The Chosen One… he was really mad with her, wasn’t he?

 

She’d tried to heal him, she really had! She just — she just hadn’t had much mana left after fighting that Boss. She’d thought — he’d said that it had fixed him. That it had worked. How had it gone wrong? How had she failed?

 

Why wouldn’t he talk to her?

 

They had just reached the edge of the Forbidden Forest village when she finally broke. Just as he stopped jogging, she threw herself at his legs.

 

“Chosen One, I’m sorry!” she yelled.

 

The Chosen One blinked, and looked down at his Childhood Companion, who was currently holding his left leg in a vice-like grip.

 

“What the-?” he asked, bewildered.

 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t heal you!” Qube was nearly crying. “But please don’t ignore me! Please, please! I can’t have you ignoring me!”

 

“Whoa, whoa,” the Chosen One said, gently prying her fingers from his leg. “I wasn’t ignoring you.” Qube blinked, her eyes still swimming with unshed tears.

 

“But — you wouldn’t look at me, or talk to me the entire walk back from Death Volcano,” she sniffled.

 

The Chosen One looked confused, then mildly horrified.

 

“Wait, you’re conscious during fast travel?” He asked.

 

“It wasn’t that fast,” Qube said. “It was more of a light jog.” After a moment, she dutifully added: “You’re faster when you roll.” She paused. “A bit.” Another pause. “I think.”

Truthfully speaking, she wasn’t entirely sure if running or rolling was faster, but the Chosen One seemed very proud of his rolling abilities so she wasn’t about to let him down. Especially after she’d failed him so miserably!

 

“I knew it!” the Chosen One exclaimed. “I knew rolling was faster!” He absent-mindedly helped Qube up to her feet. “I didn’t know you guys would be aware of time passing when I was fast traveling though.” He looked at the other three. “Did you three also think I was ignoring you?”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, Definitely Bad Guy and Sewer Bard looked at each other and collectively shrugged.

 

“I know you would never ignore me,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady purred. “I just was so focused on enjoying the… scenery that I didn’t think anything of it.” The way all eight of her eyes tracked up and down the Chosen One’s body left very little room to doubt exactly what she meant by that. The Chosen One shifted slightly, partially concealing himself behind Qube.

 

“I was thinking of… things,” Sewer Bard sighed wistfully.

 

“Composing an ode in my honour?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady smirked with all her mouths.

 

Sewer Bard gave her a sweeping bow, his feather practically touching the ground. 

 

“Would that my mind had been turned to such noble thoughts, Fair Maiden,” he said gallantly. “But, alas, instead I was pondering the more sordid world of politics. Though our merry band is engaged in the most virtuous of pursuits, it appears that this is not enough to gain the respect and attention of some.” He looked very sour.

 

“I have no interest in such mundane things,” Definitely Bad Guy sneered. “I concerned myself only with thinking about how I can use what we saw in that death trap to develop new, more powerful spells.”

 

The Chosen One had that familiar expression of dangerously sharp interest. Qube would have felt trepidation, but she was too happy to see him return to his normal “I’m-going-to-break-things” face to worry about what he was going to try and break this time.

 

“This,” Chosen One said to Qube, “is going to make traveling very interesting.”

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