Chapter 48: Chapter Forty Eight: Obligatory Companion Romance Routine

“Oh, I don’t have time for romance,” Qube laughed nervously, attempting to pry Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s claws off of her shoulders.

 

“Darling, please,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady gave her a very knowing look, then shot a glance over her shoulder at Definitely Bad Guy and Sewer Bard. Definitely Bad Guy was reading a book, while Sewer Bard was picking up the ancient tomes that the Chosen One was flinging around.

 

“While I can’t say that I approve of your taste, anyone who lets you run straight into that situation without fair warning should be absolutely whipped.”

 

“Taste? What taste? I don’t have any taste!” Qube spluttered.

 

“And of course you’re such a delectable little morsel, it’s only natural he would want to gobble you all up. But I won’t let him, not without a fight!” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady declared dramatically.

 

“Wait, who’s eating me?” Qube was now getting seriously worried. “I thought we were talking about romance.”

 

“Food and romance are one and the same,” the Hunter said sincerely. Green venom started collecting around the tips of her fangs as she looked at Qube. “Rich, delicious, luxurious, oh yes, food and love are two sides of the same coin.”

 

Qube was very uncomfortable.

 

“Um, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, I don’t think anyone wants to romance me. Or eat me?” Qube suddenly remembered that Definitely Bad Guy was definitely in love with her. She flushed bright red. “And even if they did, well, I’m very busy saving the world and being the Chosen One’s guiding light, so I really don’t think anyone who actually cared about me would want to distract me from such an important mission.”

 

She may have slightly raised her voice towards the end of that.

 

“Oh my sweet summer child, how little you know of the ways of men,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady shook her head mournfully. “Men are obsessed with romance. Even when they’re in danger of dying, they’ll still try and kiss you!”

 

“I don’t think that’s quite right,” Qube started to say, before she was cut off by Sexy Screamy Spider Lady clasping her to her thorax.

 

Suddenly, Qube knew where Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s clothing occasionally disappeared to. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady appeared to be partially made of pocket magic, as Qube’s head passed through the arachnid’s skin and entered a strange otherworldly dimension. At least she hoped it was an otherworldly dimension, otherwise Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was mostly hollow and Qube didn’t think she could deal with that right now. Strange skeins of skin seemed to connect the interior of this pocket dimension, and one of the walls appeared to be made of Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s Fireproof top.

 

Looking down (why did she look down? Why did she look down?) Qube saw what seemed like a coiled rope of silk stored around where Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s abdomen would be. There was also what looked like various miscellaneous items, and…

 

A bag of coins.

There were pocket dimensions inside them all. Each and every one of them. They must pop open when they die, and spill out their contents. That was where the coins and other items came from. That was why their backpacks could carry absurdly large items. If someone slayed a backpack, would it spill its contents? Could they somehow figure out how to access their inner pocket dimensions at will? Or, like she just had, access other people’s without harming them?

 

And why could Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s secret areas be entered? Could Qube put her head inside other people?

 

Qube emerged from Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s embrace filled with existential horror.

 

“Now, it’s time for me to tell you all about how romance works,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady told the still-stunned Qube.

 

---

 

“First things first, everyone’s attracted to the Chosen One,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady casually crossed her various legs. She had pushed Qube into a low armchair, and draped herself on the coffee table in front of it.

 

Somehow, she had acquired a cup of tea. She sipped at it with remarkable delicateness for someone without lips.

 

“I’m not,” Qube argued. “He’s my closest friend!”

 

“No, my dear, even you. It’s not necessarily a romantic attraction, but rather … well, it’s like if you don’t particularly like cake, but then you saw a slice of cake that was insanely delicious-looking. You’d be tempted, even though you’re not really a cake kind of girl.”

 

“The Chosen One is like a delicious cake?”

 

“Exactly.”

 

This actually made a strange amount of sense to Qube. Everyone was drawn to the Chosen One. That was the power of the Golden Prophecy. 

 

“But that doesn’t mean you’re going to just shove it all into your mouth, now does it?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady nudged a high heel into Qube’s knee. “You gotta make that cake earn it.”

 

“Earn the right to be eaten by me?” Qube was starting to get a little lost in this simile. 

 

“Of course! Being consumed by you would be a privilege.”

 

“I don’t know if the cake would see it that way,” Qube protested.

 

“Darling, look. You have to respect yourself. I know, I know, you’re a Companion, guiding light, put Chosen One first blah blah blah but the point is you deserve to be romanced. You need to put yourself first in this, if nothing else. There’s no point getting down and dirty with a chocolate cake just because it wants to be eaten by anyone. You gotta make sure that it’s you the cake wants.”

 

“Do I — do I also need to seduce the cake?”

 

“I’ll get to that in a little bit. Now, how do you know that sweet thing over there is actually willing to put in the work to be with you?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady nodded at where the rest of the party had gathered.

 

“By… being delicious?”

 

“No,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady sighed. “That’s just how cakes are. No, you’ll know he’s interested in the real you when he starts interrogating you.”

 

“What?”

 

“It shows he wants to get to know the real you. Once he starts peppering you with questions about anything and everything, you know he’s trying to actually get to know you, and you’re not just a mouth for him to launch himself into.”

 

“We’re still talking about cake, right?” Qube asked timidly. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady ignored her, so engrossed in her lecture was she.

 

“Now this is where you need to work a little, my love. You may very well want to turn him away, or tell him to let you go about your day. But you’ll find you can’t. You have to answer as many of his questions as you can, until you physically can’t give any more. That feeling of emptiness, of having nothing left to say, that’s a sign that you need to go out and refresh yourself. Once you, and your paramour, have had a few more experiences together, you’ll be eagerly ready for another round of intense questioning. That’s where the dates come in,” she explained. “They’re a fun little experience, and a chance for some more… intimate questioning.”

 

“So, that just keeps going on forever, until they know everything about you?” Qube didn’t know how she felt about someone having access to every little thing about her. Especially a dessert.

 

“No,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady corrected, touching her thorax. “There lives in every person’s heart a secret quest. One they can only give to the person they truly love. You’ll feel this quest swell up the more time you spend with them, and when you can no longer hold it back, it’ll just burst out of you. You’ll find yourself saying something like: ‘Hey, do you have a moment?’ Trust me when I say there are no sweeter words someone romancing you can hear.”

 

“Then you and the cake do your secret love quest?” Qube felt like she should be taking notes.

 

“Precisely,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady nodded eagerly. “Now, I cannot tell you what your secret quest is. No one can. But once you give that special quest to him, you must refuse to discuss anything further with him until he completes it. Only then will you know that he is truly serious about you.”

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“And then… true love?” Qube asked.

 

“Well, not quite. You see, aside from the rigorous examinations, you also should be receiving gifts from the person wooing you. These will naturally make you like him more.”

 

“I don’t really need anything —” Qube started to say.

 

“No, you don’t actually use the gifts,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady interrupted her. “Most of the time the sheer strength of the bond between you two causes the gift to disintegrate once it’s handed to you. It’s inconceivent, but that’s love.”

 

Qube nodded, furiously trying to memorise everything Sexy Screamy Spider Lady was saying. If the Chosen One wanted to be Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s cake, then she would need as much information as possible to help him.

 

“So if the Chosen One asks you a lot of questions, gives you things, takes you on dates and does your special quest, you two can get married?” Qube double checked.

 

“Yes, yes,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady dismissed the Chosen One with a flick of her claws. “But the reason I’m telling you this, my innocent one, is so you can recognise when someone is courting you.”

 

“But what if I don’t want them to court me?” Qube frowned. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady looked confused.

 

“You mean, if you already have a lover?” the Hunter asked.

 

“No, I mean, what if I’m just not interested in being with someone? What if I like just being on my own?”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady stared at Qube blankly. After a second she seemed to refocus.

 

“Oh, if they’re Evil, naturally you won’t want to give them your special quest. I assumed you would only be speaking with Good people. But Evil people, while they may interrogate you, will never give you nice gifts or take you on new experiences. Because they’re Evil.”

 

“No, I mean,” Qube fumbled to find the words to explain herself. “If the Chosen One — what if he gave me a gift?”

 

“Well, then you would fall in love with him,” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said, as if talking to a child.

 

“But what if I didn’t want to fall in love with him?”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady went back to staring blankly at Qube.

 

After a minute, Qube started to get worried.

 

“Sexy Screamy Spider Lady? I… don’t have to fall in love, do I?”

 

“Of course!” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady said indignantly.

 

“But if the Chosen One interrogates me, gives me gifts and takes me on experiences/dates, I will fall in love with him?”

 

“Of course! That’s romance!” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady chirruped.

 

“But what if I don’t want to fall in love with him?”

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady went blank again. Her legs had started vibrating.

 

“You have another lover?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady asked, almost desperately.

 

“No. I just don’t want to be in love with the Chosen One.”

 

The teacup clattered as all of Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s limbs started shaking.

 

“Because you’ve already given Definitely Bad Guy your special quest?” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady pleaded.

 

“No, I don’t have a special quest. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to give my quest to someone else, I would want to do it myself.” Qube said gently.

 

“No, you’re — someone is in love with you. He’s a member of the party. He’s going to give you gifts. You can choose someone else if you want. Unless the Chosen One chooses you. Then you love him.”

 

“I don’t want to choose anyone. Including the Chosen One.”

 

“But you will.”

 

Qube felt like screaming. Sexy Screamy Spider Lady just couldn’t seem to understand what she was saying. It was like there was a brick wall in Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s mind, and Qube just couldn’t crack through it. It was hard to tell, but it almost looked like the Hunter was in pain.

 

Her mind spooled up as she tried to think of a solution to her friend’s distress.

 

“Maybe I’d feel differently if he actually started romancing me?” Qube offered. The trembling stopped, and Sexy Screamy Spider Lady suddenly brightened.

 

“Of course that’s the case!” she exclaimed. “Oh, my sweetling, why didn’t I think of that? No one has ever romanced you, so of course you think you don’t want it! That’s how you’ve been keeping yourself pure!”

 

Qube squinted at Sexy Screamy Spider Lady, unsure of how to take that.

 

“Yes, yes, it makes perfect sense. Oh, silly, naughty little thing, you really had me worried for a second there! No, once one of those boys actually starts courting you, then we can discuss this again. But now you know what you’re getting yourself into, and how to recognise when they get started, you can come and ask me for more precise advice.” Sexy Screamy Spider Lady breathed deeply. “Yes. Yes, this makes sense.” She gave a relieved sigh.

 

Qube was disturbed at how familiar that look of an uneasy truce between the world and internal logic was.

 

“Sure,” she said, slowly standing up. “I’ll just go talk to the Chosen One. You… you stay here and recover.”

As Qube carefully backed away, Sexy Screamy Spider Lady’s fanged smile slowly faded. Then Qube turned away and hurried towards the rest of the party and only the Hunter was left, sitting on the coffee table, staring at the now empty armchair.

 

The teacup trembled in her claws.

 

“Sssh!” hissed one of the librarians.

 

Sexy Screamy Spider Lady flung the teacup at them.

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