Chapter 11: 11. Jun’s Dilemma

Jun Arneas

When my vacation from school started, I was whisked away to Europe to spend my entire summer meeting stuck-up aristocrats, nobles, and all around rich assholes. It's already been six months since I returned from that trip, and I'm already more than halfway through another year of school.

I don't even know where to begin articulating my frustrations.

I managed to drum up enough courage to tell my parents about my dream of becoming an investigator—they were not happy. But eventually, they relented and said that they'd allow me to pursue my dream—under the condition that I still helped with the family business when needed.

It went far better than I ever expected it to, I thought I'd be outright denied. During my summer—that was the biggest issue I was dealing with, it was so much easier.

After months of flying across Europe, I hoped that when I returned home—my life would go back to normal. I'd be able to reunite with Fate, and everything would be easygoing from then on.

But I guess things never work out like that.

Fate is... He's always been a complicated person. He's more intelligent than anybody I've ever met—I guess genius' like him see the world differently. He's always super polite, kind—he's the type of person anyone would be grateful to have as a friend. But the real Fate only shows his true colors to people he's comfortable with—his real self is surprisingly stoic most of the time, but—just like his mother, he's a perfect actor. He rarely ever shows genuine emotion—but he's unrivaled at showing people what he wants them to see. To most people, he's a happy, polite young teenager.

But that's not truly him.

That's what he wants to appear as—it's how he wants people to view him.

The way he's able to put on the mask of an always happy, upbeat, and outgoing person in front of people is nothing short of amazing. Fate's the most important friend I've ever had—but it wasn't always that way. I used to be unable to understand the real Fate—it took me years of spending every day with him before I could actually tell what he was actually feeling—not what he wanted me to think he was feeling.

I thought that no one knew Fate better than I do.

He's way smarter than me, I know that. But still—I could see through the masks he'd wear—I could understand the real him.

For example, he hates talking to new people, but whenever he gets called upon to speak publicly—he puts on the best performance I've ever seen.

If he sees something he doesn't like—his instinctive reaction is to avert his gaze, and avoid eye contact for just a brief second—right before facing it straight on. However—when he's alone or with someone else he trusts—he'll look them in the eyes, and show his concern without hesitation.

And he treats everyone differently depending on who they are. When he speaks with someone who he considers inferior, he talks to them like they're an equal. But when he's speaking with someone who's social standing is superior—he acts as if he's completely inferior—he's not against downplaying his own accomplishments in favor of flattering people. He acts in whatever way that gives him the greatest advantage.

But after our reunion at the start of this school year. . .

I can't tell exactly what he's feeling anymore. He's a bit more withdrawn—his usual warm blue eyes are. . .colder. He's never been an open or expressive person, but after we became close, he wouldn't wear a fake mask around me. And when he did, he wouldn't go out of his way to hide his feelings from me—I could understand how he felt.

But now—I can't say for certain that I know how he actually feels.

It took me years to be able to understand my best friend—and then three months apart and all of that's gone?

How am I supposed to reconcile with that?!

At first I thought it was just from being apart for so long; I'd be able to pick up on his emotions again after some practice, that never happened. He still acts as if nothing has changed—that might be the most infuriating part. He's genuinely trying to convince me that I don't know my own best friend—that he's not acting differently. I tried confronting him on it—but he pretty much brushed me off, and acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.

Like, really?

You're acting like absolutely nothing has changed?

What the hell is wrong with him?!

If I did something to lose his trust, or did something that made him feel no longer comfortable enough to place his trust in me—he should tell me.

Because I made no progress confronting him about this, I went and spoke with everyone even semi-close to him. Ritsuko said she hasn't noticed anything different about him—"he's the same as always." I placed most of my hope in Rise, and his mom to reinforce my idea that something's up with Fate.

Speaking with those two was unbelievably disheartening.

Fate has always told me that his mother knows nothing about him—I never really believed him.

Talking about Fate with Miss Mayumi, you'd think we were talking about two completely different people—she knew nothing about my best friend. And Rise? I can't count how many times Fate's praised her, and talked about how well they know each other. When I finally managed to meet with her, it didn't go well—watching her stutter her way through answering my questions hurt more than I'd like to admit.

At this point, I honestly have no clue what's been going on with Fate. Having to listen to everybody in his life say that he's perfectly good, and there's nothing wrong with him wasn't easy. It even made me doubt how well I know him. But I kept gaining more questions.

Why does he appear to be hiding his real feelings from me?

Is he hiding something from me?

Or is he simply too scared to talk to me about what's going on.

If I was the only person capable of understanding the real Fate—and now even I'm unable to know how he truly feels—where does that leave him?

Alone?

Maybe it isn't my place to ask these sort of things of him.

Like, he's always been there for me, and he's always looked out for me. What right do I have asking such personal things of him—he's saved me without asking for anything in return. I know how selfish it is, but I kept digging into my best friend's life. I feel guilty doing it, but I also feel obligated—he'd help me without me even having to ask him.

I was all alone—until Fate stood up for me, and became my closest friend. So I can't let him be entirely alone.

I want to help him, but it's clear by now that he's not letting me in—he even wears a false mask around me nowadays. Part of what's so infuriating about this whole situation is that NO ONE shares my concern in the slightest.

We still walk home together, but his routine has definitely changed. He used to constantly study—maybe even more than I do. But now? He always says that he's spending time studying—but I can't name a single time I've actually seen him study outside of school.

I thought that maybe I caught something—but of course not. It's Fate, after all. His grades are still flawless, even better than mine.

It's annoying, knowing your best friend can outclass you without even trying.

***

After almost five months of no progress—I built up the courage to talk to Miss Mayumi's manager—Annette Grace. The few times Fate's mentioned her—it's never in a kind way. Most people gripe about the people in the life often—but Fate doesn't. Fate goes out of his way to act polite—so hearing him complain about someone tipped me off that she may be involved in the way he's been acting.

I've met her before, but never spoken to her alone. She seemed very nice—and when I asked her about it, she at first said that he was acting the same as always. She didn't seem to notice any difference between his behavior before and after summer break.

I refused to give up, I was already at the end of my rope—she must have known that I was suspicious, and after my continued persistence, she finally gave me the truth.

She admitted everything that's changed during the last couple years.

Listening to her narrate the full story. . .

Even now, I want to cry.

She told me the story of how she'd been grooming Fate to be Miss Mayumi's successor; how he didn't have the potential, and how they ended up basically tossing him away. I wasn't aware of any of it. He's always been there for me at a moments notice, anytime I had issues with school or family, he was there. And when I didn't tell him I was struggling, he still found out on his own and helped me.

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I'm such an awful friend.

***

Since I know the truth, I'm going to confront him about it today after school. I'm going to talk to him on our ride home—he won't be able to escape or brush me off like he usually does.

 

We both sit side by side in the cabin; his hair looks as dark as the night sky, and it hangs slightly over his blue eyes—he's looking out the window, but it looks like his mind is elsewhere. His eyes look unfocused—like he's looking at something far away that I can't see.

"Hey," I say quietly. "Can we talk?"

He moves his head towards me in an almost sleepy manner—I can tell he's listening, but it's easy to see that I don't have his full attention. "Sure, what's up?"

I can't help but feel upset now that I know the truth. Knowing that he's been struggling with this for years now—and he hasn't told me anything.

I feel bitter. Bitter that he hasn't come to me with his problems on his own accord. Why couldn't he have confided in me earlier?

"I know the truth. . . About what you've been keeping secret from me."

His eyes snap to me immediately—they're cold, and hard to read, but I can also see the slight panic in them. At the same time, he almost jumps out of his skin, he slams his knee against the dashboard in the process.

"Wha—what do you mean?!" He snaps—he doesn't sound angry, but this is probably the most I've ever heard him raise his voice in all the years I've known him.

He truly doesn't want me to know? Is he that scared of sharing his personal life with me?

My heart aches seeing him like this.

"Miss Mayumi's manager told me everything," I explain slowly, hoping he'll calm down.

"Eh?" He responds in a confused voice. It looks as if his eyes are dancing—they're constantly darting around my face, probably seeking answers about how I found out the truth.

After a moment, he takes a deep breath—as if calming himself down. After taking a few seconds to compose himself, he starts speaking again. "I-I understand. Of course you'd find out about that whole situation eventually. How'd you even know that I was having problems with that to begin with?"

I sigh—this is clearly a sore spot for him. I shouldn't push him. "The truth is—I confronted Annette about it. You've been acting... Different lately. You've never been particularly open, but I can tell that you've been hiding your emotions more than usual. Ever since I returned from Europe—it's like you've been purposefully masking your feelings around me."

His eyes widen at my words, but I continue speaking. "When I saw how odd you were acting, I decided to dig deeper, I tried to see if anyone else noticed you acting odd—but everyone said you were fine. The last person I could think to question was Annette, but she said nothing at first. After continuing to question her, she eventually told me the truth about how she wanted to make you your mother's successor, but you didn't have the ability to succeed her."

Now that I've explained myself fully, he seems dumbfounded. It's weird, he's usually able to respond to any circumstance immediately, but he looks like he's at a loss for words.

Did I do the wrong thing by confronting him?

Should I have just acted like I knew nothing?

I'm about to start apologizing for reaching too deeply into his personal life when he finally responds. "I see..." His voice sounds almost...tired? Disappointed?

There aren't any other sounds coming from inside the cabin, it's silent except for the sound of the electric motor running. My stomach flutters nervously as I wait for him to speak again. Eventually, he clears his throat.

"So, you found out, huh. I'm sorry, for everything." he apologizes. "I know I haven't been honest with you—I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was afraid to burden you. i guess I just didn't want you involved."

I nod silently—I don't need an explanation. He never demanded anything from me when I was struggling. "I understand," I reply softly.

There's no reason to force him to share his burdens with me—even though I would happily take them off his shoulders.

"Thank you," he replies.

"For what?" I ask hesitantly, unsure of where this conversation might lead us.

"Just, thank you. I'm glad that you know the truth."

I smile awkwardly, feeling uncomfortable with his sudden gratitude. This isn't how I pictured this going—I figured I'd get yelled at, or ignored. Instead, he's thanking me.

"Don't worry about it," I reassure him. "You've always been there for me whenever I needed help. I wouldn't blame you for being hesitant to talk to me about it—you've done enough already."

"Well—" he pauses, "I'm thankful for that."

A small silence fills the cabin, neither one of us saying anything further. Finally, after a long while, he speaks again.

"I'm sorry that I always hide everything."

I blink in surprise at his confession—wasn't that exactly what he just apologized for? But instead of getting mad or annoyed at him, I feel relieved.

Relieved that I can stop worrying so much about him.

"And I'm sorry that I'm a liar. I'll try to be more honest with you, but please just remember that regardless of anything else, you're important to me. I'm grateful that you became my friend." He smiles gently. I can hear the sincerity in his voice.

I feel my cheeks heat up.

That was unexpected.

I've never felt this awkward in my entire life.

Why did I become so emotional?!

Suddenly I hear him let out a light laugh while talking, "Well, now you can't always talk about how perfectly I do everything—clearly I'm human too—I can't even live up to my mother's legacy, after all!" I giggle lightly, but quickly regain my composure.

"Of course you are" I assure him. "No matter what happens though, I'll be here for you. Even if things turn ugly, even if you decide to leave me behind—no matter what happens, I'll stay friends with you. There's no telling what a stubborn blockhead like you'd get into without me looking after ya."

He laughs once again, then leans back into the seat and closes his eyes—looking peaceful, and relaxed.

This feels good. We should have talked about this sooner...

As soon as I feel that everything ended well, and I got away with it—Fate brings up the part that I'd been dreading—it's time to face the music.

"Also, the next time you get a hunch to start interrogating all of my acquaintances, tell me first. You're not an investigator yet—so you shouldn't go around playing detective on your own." I can tell he's mostly joking, but there's a slight hint of seriousness in his tone.

"Alright, alright~" I roll my eyes playfully. "If that's how you wanna put it."

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