Chapter 9: Open The Door, Please

"I love you."

Such a word is easy to say, but difficult to mean.

It can mean many things. I love you as a lover. I love you as a friend. I love you as a brother.

"I love you. I mean it."

People who say that rarely mean it.

We are meant to love people, and there is always someone else to love. Love is an emotion. An emotion could not be restrained control, loyalty, or denial.

Zhe Chouhen knows that very well. He doesn't want to love anyone. He really doesn't. 

But when he sleeps at night, he cannot stop thinking about that person. Though he shouldn't he still fell in love anyway.

Those blue eyes. Those curly, blonde hair, that is softer than feathers and cotton to touch.

He couldn't get enough of them. He keeps searching for them, and yet, there is doubt in his mind still...

Does all this count as love?

And if it doesn't, what's the point of feeling something so painful and suffocating? What's the point of his heart beating faster, if it does not even beat for that person at all?

Tonight, he wants to seek some answers. Tonight, he wants to explore further. But the responsibilities and circumstances handed to him are stopping him.

Loving is both pleasure and pain.

There were twinkling fireflies outside their carriage. They did not open any lamps as they returned home. It was like a spark of magic is slowly dying, taking with it the wonders of the experience he had. He shouldn't hold on to the spark and turn it to a flame, and that flame turning into an explosion that will destroy him. And yet, he seeks it, he yearns. To hold on to it is to die, and to not hold on to it is to die as well.....

So, in his mind, it is better to feel temporary bliss before dying.

He slowly trailed his finger over Stein's when Captain Clerval isn't looking. It's too dark to notice it anyway.

Stein turned to him in surprise, but did not say anything. This moment is too fragile. Any sudden movements and it might break.

No words were shared, but a message was delivered.

This caused him to think of many things, twirling his butterfly hairtie as he did so. The whole ride was silent and solemn like that, like the songs of children during a mass on Christmas Eve. There was a certain wonder to it that is close to being spiritual, so heartwarming and pure.

Could this kind of affection be called wrong?

Could it be called destructive? Something that is so serene, that causes the restless waves in Zhe Chouhen's heart from searching and searching for something he thought he will never find to falter, and be at peace. Something that brings him to a state of satisfaction that is beyond physical, like the delicious food or the luxurious clothes he wears... Something beyond his very comprehensions itself, making the emotion hard to describe.

There is only one person to receive such a thing. And he has blonde hair and blue eyes.

And yet...

He saw the silhouette of Captain Walter Clerval looking straight ahead. Which means he was looking directly at him. Even in the dark where only the light of the moon can give glimpses of the surrounding, he can feel how much that gaze is piercing into him. Again and again, like a painful stab.

That hatred in his eyes.... It's so overpowering that Zhe Chouhen knows he must abide by it despite not knowing what the reason for it or finding it logical.

He can feel it. The agonizing rage someone has been keeping bottled up, locked tight in a jar. And yet, some of the scents whiffed through. It was putrid, yet there was also some sweetness to it as well. A mixture of honey and chloride. A sickeningly sweet scent.

Envy.

Being the object of someone's envy is both painful and rewarding at the same time. The guilt and shame, yet at the same time, the feeling of someone caring for you so much to cause large fluctuations of emotions in them...

These kinds of thoughts were just subconscious in Zhe Chouhen's brain. He kept them down because of forced humility, of not wanting to seem egotistical.

Why would Daoist Panda love him?

Why would anyone love him?

Even now, this beautiful blond blue-eyed belle he was holding hands with only loves a character he was playing. And so, if this envious man really bares affection towards him, it must also be out of a facade, of a role he was playing. The person they see is not Zhe Chouhen, only a fragment outside what is covered by a mask.

The children's lullabies had now been accompanied by the sounds of a broken-down organ. the organ player kept on playing a discordant tune, and yet they form a strange harmony that is both perfect and chaotic. That is what the carriage ride had become. 

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No one shared a word when they arrived home. They all went to their separate chambers, divide by that grand staircase, changed to more comfortable and home-y clothing, then went to sleep.

Once they lay in their beds, there was a sense of apprehension despite the peacefulness of the night. The silence had become louder than anything. It bugged them, making them unable to sleep.

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Especially for Zhe Chouhen.

He turned to face Stein. He then realized Stein was also facing him, staring directly at him. It seems he had been staring for quite a while, and was surprised for 'Franklin' to suddenly face him, still awake.

They only stared at each other's eyes for a while, not really able to see them clearly, yet feeling them as vividly as ever.

Zhe Chouhen moved out of bed.

He walked directly towards Stein, who did not dare make any movements. The baby-faced giant just waited until a dignified yet secretly desirous scholar went by his side. Then, he waited again as this man leaned down...

And give him a small kiss.

It did not last long, more like a peck. But upon that short moment of connection, there was the feeling of burning on their lips. It left them scalded and had to part again.

Just from that small kiss, Zhe Chouhen became breathless. He had done more earlier when they danced, yet there's just something about kissing Stein here at home, in this bedroom they shared.

It sends his longing for him to higher levels, similar to hunger.

He went completely above Stein, and kissed him again and again. Short, fast, and frantic. Stein became riled up too and held on to his head so he can make 'Franklin' stay longer. The kisses lingered a bit more as they added in numbers, until it's not just lips barely touching each other and instead of being intertwined.

Zhe Chouhen placed both hands on Stein's face, and once parting after a long embrasser, he took a moment to tare at his blue eyes veiled in darkness. He said the words that rang true at the time.

"I love you."

(Stein, I love you so much that it makes my heart hurt.) That's what his "I love you" meant, but he let Stein interpret it however he wants. What matters is to let him know.

He had fallen very quickly and very painfully with him.

As he had always done.

The cycle never ends. It was like the tides, the phases of the moon, the life and death of organisms only to be recycled as nutrients for another to be born. It was like us inhaling air, only to exhale it and inhale once more to keep living.

It was his very nature to fall in love with this boy too quickly.

He moved his hands under Stein's clothes, but did not really move. He just let it linger there, passing the heat from his palms and fingertips onto his body that is a few degrees colder than an average one. Stein shivered from this, but soon felt soothed by the gesture.

He kissed 'Franklin' once more, and take away his glasses. He sat up, so if ever his lover decided to take off his clothes and embrace him more, skin-to-skin, it would be easier for him to do so. He waited patiently, just nibbling on 'Franklin's' lower lip.

They would soon enter a new field of love they haven't discovered yet. A door that was not opened and left to rust on the hinges, until it broke apart and opened by a crack.

He is waiting for 'Franklin' to open that door. Zhe Chouhen is aware of it.

His hand moved a little, massaging Stein's waist up and down. Stein shivered again and again at the touch, much more sensitive because of him having a colder body. Zhe Chouhen's warm touch felt like it would burn into him. 

"Stein....." Zhe Chouhen called out, whispering to his ear. That breathy whisper had opened the door by an inch.

"Frank... I love you. I love you too as well, and words are not enough to express how I feel towards you." He whispered back, nuzzling his head on Zhe Chouhen's neck. "Let me explain it with my actions. I will let you explain yours too, explain it as freely as you want."

Zhe Chouhen let out an unrestrained sound of pleasure from that vow, and his grip on Stein's waist tightened. Stein sunk deeper into his embrace, shaking like a tiny dandelion fuzz in the wind. The door is opening.....

As Zhe Chouhen made a trail of kisses on his neck, going lower and lower unto his collar, the door had also opened more and more.....

SLAM!

There was a large slam.

It wasn't the metaphysical door, though it did slam the moment they were distracted by the noise of the actual one. It wasn't the door of their bedroom either.

Zhe Chouhen realized that there had always been a small crack on their bedroom door, as he had forgot to fully close and lock it. That large noise earlier came from....

The door next to them.

He rubbed his face. The trance wore off. He let go of his grip on Stein, and kissed him deeply to make up for it. Then, he laid down on Stein's bed, pulling him in for a close yet also distant kind of cuddle.

"Let's sleep, my love."

Instead of a door opening, one was slammed at him. Yet he doesn't mind. He also felt like he wasn't ready to discover the other side with Stein yet.

Stein was deeply aggrieved the whole night, complaining about that wretched captain that disrupted them. 'Franklin' consoled him, and gently push away any attempt to return to that kind of embrace anymore.

Who knew opening doors could be so exhausting? The consequences... the things you may face..... the people you may affect....

It's really better off if he was not presented any door at all.

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