Chapter 24: [Chapter 18] Acceptance of the Heart

Ruka laid in a bed of white sheets surrounded by children, all less than half her age, who stared at her as she stirred awake. Her wolf ears twitched and her tail pushed itself out from under the sheets as she leaned up to yawn and stretch, causing the young ones to run out the room, hiding behind the door frame.

A small arachne said, “She’s a wolf!”

A bespectacled elf plugged her nose. “And she stinks!”

“Wolves are the worst,” said a sullen devil.

A fearful harpy added, “She's gonna eat us!”

“Run!” they all yelled in unison, spreading throughout the house.

Ruka, now wide awake from all the yelling, opened her eyes and stared at the wall. “Nobody likes wolves,” she reminded herself with an exhausted frown.

A shy voice said, “I like wolves,” just out of sight. Ruka looked around to find two black cat ears and a head full of white hair that blackened at the tip. With a sudden pounce, a tiny cat therian in a dainty pillowcase dress climbed onto the bed, looking straight at Ruka with royal blue eyes, his black tail crooked at the end. “I’m Mini. What’s your name?”

“Ruka,” she replied. “But the better question is: where am I?”

“The Moore House,” replied a feminine living doll standing at the door in a white cotton dress that did little to hide her doll joints and alabaster skin, staring expressionlessly at Ruka with unfocused black eyes.

Ruka asked, “And who are you?”

“I am Marie.” She slowly lowered her head, then raised it. “Breakfast is ready. Miss Moore has requested that you bathe first, however… I will show you to the showers.”

Ruka carefully pushed Mini aside and got out of the bed. She quickly noticed her clothes were different, snow white and plain, and that her knife was gone. Her legs were bare, revealing matching scars to her wrists, circling above her ankles like binding cuffs. “Where’s my stuff?” she asked with growing suspicion.

“I took the liberty of changing you so that I could wash and repair your clothes. Miss Moore has the rest of your personal effects.”

“Right…” Ruka followed Marie down the hall towards the stairs.

Mini stumbled around to keep pace as they walked, causing Marie to stop and pat the cat therian away on the rear. “Are you trying to bother our guest?”

Mini pouted. “No ma’am…”

“Then off with you. Go on. You know where you’re supposed to be.”

Mini nodded and scampered off, giggling.

Ruka kept taking short glances at Marie as they walked together. Living dolls were always a rare sight, so Ruka knew it was very likely that she was the same Marie mentioned in the journal. She asked, “Do you know where my father is? Elliot Lynch…?”

Marie kept looking forward. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know anyone by that name.” They both stopped at a door. “In here.”

In the shower room, Marie showed Ruka how to work the faucet. She then gave her a bottle of shampoo formulated for therian fur with a silicone brush. When left alone, Ruka took off what little she had on and went into one of the stalls, the water coming out cold no matter how much she turned the hot water knob. Having to accept her fate, Ruka spread the shampoo along her tail, using the brush to get it in deep and to drag out any large debris. Even with the soft nubs of the brush Ruka could feel some of the knots in her fur getting dragged along with every stroke. She made no plans to untangle them, however; such care took more work than she was willing to put up with. And when she felt she had done enough, Ruka moved on to her hair and ears, using her hands as any human would to clean their hair. Braving the cold water again, she rinsed it all out and noticed the water had gotten a bit warmer, so she decided to stay under it a bit longer.

Ruka spoke with her eyes closed, the water pouring over her head. “Are you there, Shuck?”

“I am here,” he replied from outside the stall, speaking only to her.

“Tell me what you learned.”

“Very few who intimately know your father remain in Sorrow. Most notable is Beth Moore, who runs this transitory home for monsters in the foster care system. You have just met the living doll who previously worked at the Rose Den, but she is unlikely to be aware of what goes on in a greater sense due to her lengthy service… It seems that in all your blundering, you managed to come to the right place.”

“Lucky me,” she replied sarcastically.

“I do wonder how you got here, Ruka. An oppressive field covered the area shortly after we parted. I was unable to find you until late in the night, fearing you met with a powerful abomination—or perhaps stolen away by another shade. But here you are, safe, and in a most peculiar state.”

Ruka opened her eyes to turn off the water. “I met an Arbiter… Antha… She put me to sleep with a spell.” She felt an ache in her neck and touched it, soothing it instantly. “No doubt I was brought here by her… and I doubt it was by coincidence.” She shook her tail and head to disperse the water, fluffing up a bit. “Do you know anything about her? Where she might be?” She scowled, speaking through clenched teeth. “I’d like to repay her for the kindness.”

“I do not, but perhaps it was fortunate that we split up when we did. I doubt that an arbiter would tolerate my presence these days. And if she was the source of that ambient field, then there is little either of us can do in revenge. For now, let us hope that the vampire is more… agreeable.”

Opening the stall door, baring all in front of Shuck, Ruka said, “Well, let’s get this over with.”

Dressed again in her clean, stitched clothes, Ruka followed the smell of food to the kitchen. Marie was taking dishes from the sink and handing them to Mini to be put into the dishwasher in the meantime. And when Ruka walked in, Marie leaned down to wipe Mini’s hands clean and handed over a fresh plate and some utensils for Mini to give to her. Mini, with pursed lips in a cat-like smile, approached Ruka and said, “I’m helping,” with the plate held high.

“Thanks,” Ruka said to Mini without much thought, more focused on getting food and filling her near-empty belly.

Marie finished up the dishes and started washing her hands, saying, “That’s enough help for now, Mini; go outside and play.” She turned her head towards the passing child. “And I better not see you in the trash again.”

“Okay!” Mini turned to look again at Ruka and accidently stumbled over, falling onto the ground. Ruka half-expected to need to cover her ears, feeling that there would be screaming, but Mini excitedly got up without a fuss and smiled all the way to the backyard.

“Cute kid,” said Ruka as Marie put the rations on her plate from the large metal pot. She sat at the table with her back facing the wall to eat. “She seems pretty clumsy, though.”

Marie, changing her posture to that of a strict maid, and said, “Mini is a boy.”

Ruka found the revelation unusual. “Then why a dress?”

Marie simply stated, “He likes the pattern,” knowing that there was nothing more behind the reasoning of a child. “He’ll grow out of it, I’m sure. But maybe not the size…”

“Hm…” Ruka took a bite. The food didn’t taste much better than the gas station food she had been surviving off of, but at least it was warm. “He’s a runt, isn’t he?”

“Yes, and a stray.”

Ruka knew that meant Mini’s parents likely abandoned him for no other reason than that his stature would make people see him as weak and bring shame to the family—as is Arcadian custom. For as long as therians had history, they believed that their limited resources were wasted on the dwarfish children and caused many of them to be abandoned even in the modern day. And on Earth, such therians were often desired to be kept as glorified pets by humans due to their small stature in their youth, only to be abandoned again as they grew older. In that regard, Ruka couldn’t help but feel pity for Mini who appeared more like a talking housecat than a person in her mind—but a person all the same.

Marie gave Ruka another helping of food as she was scarfing it all down, and said, “I’m told that you’re a stray as well. If you don’t mind me asking, were you also abandoned?”

Eating a few more bites before speaking, Ruka thought over her response. “Not really. I’m half-blooded. My mother kept me around, but it was clear I wasn’t wanted after she had full-blooded children of her own… It hasn’t been very long since I left home.”

Marie’s expression remained unchanging. “I’m told my previous owner takes in people like you.” She paused in reflection. “What was her name…?”

“Rosa?”

Marie nodded. “Yes. At her bar. Have you been?”

Ruka frowned. “No. There’s nothing there now.”

Marie stood silently in thought. “I’m sorry… It’s hard for me to remember.”

“Marie!” Beth yelled before entering the kitchen, happy to find her. Ruka saw that despite Beth’s age, she barely looked older than twenty. Her black hair was a bit of a mess, likely from corralling children, with her bangs kept short and out of the way of her silver eyes. “Has Ruka woken up yet?” Marie simply gestured in Ruka’s direction, her face obscured by the plate she was licking off of. Beth looked at her with wide eyes. “There you are, my fabled niece!” She placed the red leather journal down on the table and sat opposite of Ruka with a kind smile. “What brings you all this way…? And where did you get his journal? Tell me.”

Ruka told Beth how she only recently acquired the journal from a robed mara who had little to say about it on her birthday. It was the catalyst that brought her to Sorrow, but her desire to find her father had been one grown over her entire childhood. “It seemed unfinished,” said Ruka. “I wanted to know how it ended—if he died or not—and where he may be.”

Beth shook her head. “You shouldn’t have come to Sorrow, then.”

Frustrated again, Ruka asked with some bite, “Why not?”

“Because he’s long gone.” Beth opened the journal, looking through it with a smile. “I had nearly forgotten how awkward it was being a teen.” She then appeared conflicted. “But this stuff with Sam… is that how he saw her? I guess he really meant it when he said he only likes girls with dark hair.” She chuckled. “She was kinda chubby when I first met her, so I was never really concerned, but she started taking better care of herself after she emerged… She tried really hard to get his attention, but… I guess I feel partially responsible for them drifting apart.” With a frown, she looked at the increasing amount of torn out pages as the book progressed. “Eli struggled so much with the stuff going on in his head. Never asked for any help. Never told anyone… Never trusted them. While I know many of these moments genuinely happened, some of the dialogue… just seems like he was talking to himself in retrospect.”

Shuck appeared in an adjacent chair, sitting politely with a wolfish grin. “It is likely that Elliot projected his insecurities onto those around him. Perhaps it was his way of understanding himself. He may have wanted Ruka to understand in the same way he did… Or he simply wrote for himself with no care for the thoughts of others.”

Marie looked around and then faced the shade. “I have detected an eidolon.”

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Shuck quickly leapt over the table and bowed as a dog would in front of Marie. “I mean no harm, Doll of Metroma, I am Mar—”

“His name is Shuck.” Ruka interrupted.

Beth frowned at the decline in Marie’s responsiveness then gave a more serious look at the shade. “Shuck, then? Break whatever obligation you have with Ruka and never come here again. That is the only mercy I can guarantee for your trouble.”

The shade looked with a side eye at Beth. “I know it is no idle threat considering the residents of this house, but you misunderstand. Ruka and I have not formed a contract; I have chosen to watch over her after saving her life.” He grinned. “Ruka would not be here before you now if not for my intervention.”

Beth stared at Ruka for a confirmation, not believing a shade would save anyone with no consequence. “Is that so?”

Ruka smirked. “I prefer to keep him around even though he’s useless.”

Beth relented and sighed. “Well, if you trust him… then I will. For now.”

Ruka, feeling pleasantries were over and wanting to return to her search, asked, “So, you don’t know my father’s whereabouts at all? Not a grave or…?”

Beth frowned. “He’s alive, I assure you, but I haven’t seen him in a very long time. Where he is… what he is… I don’t know for sure. I’m sorry.”

“Then he chose to never contact me…?” Ruka placed her head between her arms. “Can you at least tell me what you know? What he did after he stopped writing…? At least give me something to go off of!”

Beth looked away, tilting her head. “I’ll try.”

❦                     ❦                     ❦

Eli lived a pretty solitary life before I met him. It was very clear that before Sam, there was no one in his life that he cared for other than Rosa. And while Rosa acted kind towards him, she regretted how Eli’s existence created a deep divide between his mother and father—her two best friends. I think he felt that divide in his heart as well, considering he never even mentioned their names; or maybe that was his idea of teenage rebellion. Eli only mentioned his father, Leon Ward, to me once—and it was only to say that he hated him. He also held his mother, Maven Lynch, in some contempt for her actions, but he did truly love her, I think. They were both topics he tried to avoid… mainly because there was nothing to really say about them. And he never felt any kinship with his cousins or grandparents either. Never really felt human enough to have family. And with him being a chimera, it’s not like he needed one since he was never really alone inside of his head.

He doesn’t quite show it in his writing, but I can tell you for a fact Eli struggled immensely with acting human. His behavior… was often strange and sometimes even threatening despite his intentions—and don’t even get me started on his idea of sarcasm. For someone like me, who knew of his true nature, it was still hard to know if it was him or the fungus talking at times. But for whatever reason, he seemed more open with me, and we were both able to connect where we normally couldn’t with others. I guess it was a feeling that we were both experiments… or maybe because of my direct tie to his mother. I don’t know. But what I do know is that he also really liked to take things slow… mostly due to his avoidant personality, but I guess having to silently deal with your own madness can cause a sort of malaise… All I can say is we were very close, like family, and for a while I thought that family was what we would become… but we never really got to discuss the status of our relationship. I wasn’t particularly unhappy with how things were going, at least, until that night after graduation.

While I was trying to find something to eat, Eli came up behind me and said, “I’ve made a terrible mistake.”

I asked him, “What’s wrong? Something happen with the shower?”

He shook his head and handed me a photo. “It’s mine. The child is mine.”

I took a good look at it, seeing a baby wolf therian, coming to the realization it was Lyca’s. “You’re shitting me? What the hell, Eli!?”

“It’s mine,” he softly repeated, “She’s mine.” His eyes were empty, the light gone from them completely. “What have I done?” And out came the tears.

I was angry, to be honest. But watching him break down only made me feel pity. “It’s going to be okay,” I said, trying to console him.

But it wasn’t going to be okay. He started coughing up some white gunk and was writhing on the floor in pain before I realized how bad his condition was getting. I didn’t have a clue what to do for him and just froze up, watching the left side of his face and body down to his hip melt and whiten at an angle. He was… evolving? Or becoming whatever the hell chimeras are supposed to be.

“You have to… help me,” he gurgled through the white slime. “Pills.”

“Alright I—I’ll…” I looked around for the bottle, finding it by the sink, but found that it was empty. “Shit!” I then bit my thumb to give him my blood and try to heal him—anything to help him… But he refused.

“End it,” he said, his voice becoming deep and strange. “Before…” He then grabbed me with his right arm and pulled me onto him, using his hand on the back of my head to force me onto his neck. I bit him, not to feed, but to crush his throat, with tears running down my face as I felt his final embrace… until the moment he laid cold and motionless beneath me.

I walked, completely in shock, all the way to Rosa’s bar and told her what happened. “I had a feeling,” was all that she had to say. And that smug bitch, heh, goes back to the house with me and scolds Eli’s body. “Look what a mess you made of things! You know this is what happens when you eat mushrooms.”

Rosa took me aside into the living room and calmly explained that it was some natural process that happens when the chimeric fungus recognizes a foreign body. His distress caused by the photo activated a defensive reaction, that instead of encasing and expelling anything he shouldn’t have eaten, he was encasing himself. The bits of fungus on his body had to go, though, as they consumed his human parts. Rosa had me assist her in the makeshift surgery cutting off the hardened, bone-like fungus… I didn’t realize how little chimeras needed to live until then. Their organs are unnecessary, simply kept functioning to not alert anything that they mimic. And my blood would’ve never worked on him since he never needed blood in the first place. But luckily for Eli, he only lost his left eye and arm completely in the process. I thought that they would grow back easily, but even for chimeras what’s lost is lost; form can be returned, in time, but function is seemingly never the same again—all coming back as pale, white fungus. And while there were other options for him to have a new body, they all carried too much risk in retaining his unique existence, consumed by the gestalt consciousness…

Anyways, Rosa stayed with me until Eli jolted awake that morning. The first thing she did was speak to him in some strange language, but Eli had no clue what she was saying—which was good enough for her, so she left. I guess it was to see if his body was occupied by someone else or something. But then… wouldn’t he just lie? Hm… Well, he still acted like his usual self after that. The fact he lost body parts didn’t seem to bother him, either. “I didn’t like that arm, anyways,” he said. “And it’s not like I look at myself in the mirror.” He started to joke around a lot more but became incredibly reclusive… even stopped all of his plans to take a “gap year,” so he’d say. But I think he lost all his ambition after that day.

For the next year, we shared a home. Sid was the only one who visited us—mainly to teach me how to control my powers and tell me how the kids at the Institute were doing—but he and Eli would also have their own private discussions, going somewhere together. I think it was to gauge how Eli was doing mentally, and he did seem to enjoy it, at least. But there was a time when Sid wasn’t able to look at me in the eye when Eli had a particularly bad day. I don’t know what they discussed, or what happened, but what I do know is that Eli stopped joking around after that… and Alice came by to collect him a few days later. I told him not to go, that we had plans, but he simply hugged me as best he could, saying, “Sorry, Beth. I have to go… It’s been fun.”

And that was the last time I ever saw him.

I thought that… maybe they killed him. Sid would never tell me, though, and Rosa always insisted that he was still alive. She said that Eli had become more aligned with chimeras than humans—and that no matter how regrettable the choice, we had to respect it. The house seemed… so empty after that. I kept alone for a lot longer than I probably should’ve; lost. But Sid eventually suggested that I turn my focus towards the children… and Rosa helped me set this place up to keep them. It helped me help them help myself. They’re all grown now, though. Some did stay to work here, for a time, but even they’ve left Sorrow now—as all the others did so long ago.

All except for me… and Marie.

❦                     ❦                     ❦

Marie became a bit livelier as Beth ended her story. “I remember now: Rosa moved to Japan.” She clapped her hands. “Oh. And she has sent postcards. I do hope she keeps the piano tuned… I believe I will send a letter to remind her.” She walked with a quick step out of the kitchen, occupied in her thoughts.

Beth smiled and shook her head. “I should probably mail her there as well.”

Ruka asked, “My father went with the Arbiters?”

“Yeah, I guess to be with ‘We’ or whatever.” Beth spoke under her breath, dispirited, and said, “He never mentioned any of that stuff to me.”

Ruka huffed. “Then where is Arbiter Antha? Why would she bring me here?”

“Who knows?” Beth sighed. “Listen. Ruka. You’re better off not getting involved. Whoever… or whatever Eli is now isn’t the person you’re looking for. I doubt Antha or any of them would tell you, either. They certainly didn’t tell me anything all these years—none of them did.”

Ruka became even more annoyed. “I’m going to find him. Find out why.” She stood up and grabbed the red journal from Beth. “Give me back my stuff.”

Beth raised her hands with a smirk. “Feisty.” She got up and gestured for Ruka to follow, Shuck melting back into shadow. “I wonder who you got it from.”

Following Beth, Ruka said, “My mother’s a bitch.”

In Beth’s room, Ruka put on her backpack and concealed her knife, making sure everything was accounted for. She started to leave but was blocked from going through the door by Beth who asked, “What do you plan on doing when you find him?”

Looking away, Ruka asked, “Am I supposed to have a plan?”

Beth crossed her arms. “You’ve had a lot of time to dwell on it. I think you’d’ve had an idea of what you might do by now.”

Ruka gritted her teeth. “So have you. What would you do? But don’t answer; the fact you stayed here and did nothing says enough already.”

Beth lowered her eyes with a frown. “It wasn’t my place to do anything about it. I belong here… and so do you.”

Crossing her arms, Ruka scowled and said, “Who are you to tell me where I belong?” She squinted, thinking. “You know something I don’t?”

Beth looked to the side and then looked Ruka in the eyes. “I know that you’re hurting—that you feel like you don’t belong anywhere. Sometimes I feel the same way, even now. Our struggles are different, and we’re still strangers, but we can learn to work through it together as a family.”

Ruka became angrier. “So, you want me to just stay here and play pretend so you can feel like a good person? So that my father gets away with all the shit he’s done? So that the Arbiters, or the mara, or whoever has their hand up your ass keeps me here?”

Beth became a bit stern. “That’s no way to speak to someone who’s trying to help you, Ruka. No one is controlling me; I’m trying to be a good aunt to you!”

Ruka stared at her. “You’re nothing to me.”

Beth took a deep breath and closed her eyes, knowing that she was once no better. “Your bike’s out back.” Beth moved to the side and let Ruka go on her way. “I’ll still be here if you need anything.”

Marie and Mini stood outside the front door and watched Ruka as she left the premises on foot, rolling her damaged bike with her until she got frustrated and abandoned it on the side of the road, giving it a forceful farewell kick. Mini asked, “Where’s she going? When’s she coming back?” And with a frown and a tear in his eye, he said, “I wanted her to read me a story.”

“Poor thing.” Marie rubbed the top of Mini’s head. “We’ll find an angel for you soon.”

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