Chapter 29: 29

For any normal person, it would be impossible to comprehend an Esper’s possessiveness and desire to monopolize a Guide.

I personally never truly felt such an intense desire to monopolize someone, so I couldn’t fully understand how it would feel. Still, from my perspective, I had a general impression that there were both positives and negatives to this.

Of course, there was a time when I wished that Ciel would be utterly possessive of me.

I’ve heard of Espers who went as far as hiding their Guides from others. There were also other Espers who were completely obedient to their Guides, listening to everything they said.

Although Ciel didn’t need to take his pretense that far, in any case, it’s true that Espers persistently had great interest in Guides.

My fever was making my body feel weak, and as my condition deteriorated, so did my tight hold on the memories of the past that I wished to forget.

At the remembrance of the crippling loneliness that I felt while I was around him, a gripping fear suddenly surged within me.

“Huu…”

“Rin, our daughter…”

Letting out a heavy breath, I looked up at Mom, who spoke to me with a tone that was both affectionate and worried.

“Mom… Please stay with me…”

“Don’t worry. Mom will always be by your side.”

Mom’s caring tone did not fail to soothe me, and so I took one last glance at her, Brother and Father, before I closed my eyes. They were looking at me with such grave expressions.

I had seen that look before. Those were the faces that greeted me when I opened my eyes in that coffin years ago.

It was clearly the same faces that I saw back then, and before, I was entirely indifferent to their concern.

Now, however, I prayed as my eyes were closed, just as I did during the coming-of-age ceremony.

I was more desperate than ever.

 

Dear almighty God.

Please, don’t let this family know that Irene has passed away.

Please, don’t let them find out that I have taken her place so shamelessly.

Please, now that I have received their love and affection, I do not know how to live without them.

That’s why…

I will do better…

Don’t let this family know, not ever, please.

 

Unlike how it had been in the past, my fever got worse, and I went in and out of consciousness regardless of my will.

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Trapped between strange dreams, or perhaps delusions, I allowed my mind to surrender.

“Irene!”

As I heard Mom’s tearful cries, I wanted to wake up more than anything, however it was beyond my control.

 

* * *

 

While the fever wracked through my body, I had a dream.

Even in my dream, I was lying down with a fever. Fortunately, it was not in the barracks of the Special Forces—which I never wanted to remember—but the bedroom of the apartment where I had lived with Ciel.

That day, what caused my fever?

I couldn’t remember it clearly, but my guess is that I had collapsed in the middle of guiding.

Ciel would often take on unbelievable tasks. Regardless of whether he was an S-Class Esper with power over dual elements, the missions that were given to him were almost impossible.

Or rather, such vile missions that couldn’t even be called appropriate for any Esper at all.

I used to think that even an arrogant, noble man like him wouldn’t have been able to do such things, even if it was due to greed. Just as he seemed, he was a man who had a great amount of pride.

No matter how much money such a man would be paid, he wouldn’t have taken on the task of cleaning up the slums, which were no different than garbage dumps.

Even if it was that kind of place, there were people living there. But still, I always wondered why he would take such unforgiving, absurd missions.

Whenever he would deal with such missions, Ciel always pushed me to the limit. He held me close to him, keeping me up the entire night.

In the first place, the letter-grades between us had too much difference. No matter how good our match rate was, the guiding that I could provide for him was always going to be limited.

From the very beginning, I would surrender all of myself to him, but… again and again, he just wouldn’t let me go.

Every time I felt his hot touch roving all over my skin, felt him deep inside me, I would just become so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even let out a scream—I just held on and clung to his shoulders and his back, leaving scratches as I cried out.

Lying right before him, it always felt as if I had become a powerless prey in front of a predator as he was so intent on taking every single drop of my guiding.

As though he was a lion pressing me down, sucking my blood, tearing my flesh—and in the end, I could do nothing but offer my heart just so this dizzying sensation of being devoured would stop.

When a body were to repeatedly be sent to the brink of its limits, it would soon send a distress signal out of self-preservation. This, to me, was a fever.

Even if I had collapsed and become like this, in contrast, it’s inevitable that he would be fine. It was a lonely, but familiar feeling, and I did not expect much from his touch.

Right, obviously, that’s how it was in the past.

It’s like that, so…

 

‘Shh… Sleep more. You can’t open your eyes yet.’

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