Chapter 8: You don't skarn me!

Ardale wondered why life could never be easy.

She’d finally achieved her goal of locating the new dungeon. There it was, in a large clearing that had once been filled with ancient trees. Trees that she now saw being cut down and carried away by the skarn. So many bloody skarn too! Dozens of them!

Could I possibly need some assistance? She thought to herself in dismay.

The very thought of asking anyone else for help was abhorrent to her. Ardale succeeded or failed on her own in life, and she never failed! Begging for aid would be the same as admitting she couldn’t do it on her own, and Ardale could do anything. This was just going to take a bit more finesse was all.

It was nothing she couldn’t handle. She was the best.

Yes, there were a lot of skarn out there, but numbers weren’t everything. Ardale possessed a technique that could easily deal with a large group of enemies. But in order to use it effectively, they had to be gathered in one spot. The question was how? Preparing the spell took time and required that she sit still. That meant she couldn’t deal the blow while also being the bait.

This is so annoying.Well, maybe an opportunity will present itself if I just wait a little longer.

That was unlikely. If there was one thing that Ardale had learned in her brief twenty-one years on the planet, it was that life rarely gave you free opportunities to succeed. As much as she hated to admit it, accomplishing her mission was going to require some luck. And luck was harder to acquire than gold.

All right then, she decided. This is not a tactical retreat nor an admission of failure.I was hired to find the Barrows and locate the dungeon and I’ve succeeded at doing both.If anything, I’ve gone above the requirements of the contract.The Aureum Order can hire some adventurers or mercenaries to deal with the skarn.I’ve done my part.

Yes, that was the sensible choice to make. The sort of decision made with the cool-headed logic of a pragmatic professional. As disappointing as the conclusion of this little jaunt had been, Ardale had to give herself credit for once again following through on her personal creed: Never get carried away.

And then an idiot got involved.

“Helloooooo?Helloooooo? Miss? Where aaaaare you? Hellooooo?” shouted a voice that instantly alerted the skarn, who all turned their heads towards it as one and began smiling toothy, malicious grins.

What sort of careless fool just gives away his location in a monster-infested area like this one—

Into the clearing entered the boy she’d stumbled into earlier. Within moments he was surrounded by the skarn.

Oh.

­­__

Wow, these guys looked friendly! Heh, nah, I’m just being silly. They were clearly filled with murderous intent!

There I was, wandering around the woods, hoping I’d bump into that girl again so we could chat it up; you know, enjoy a little conversation, get to know each other better, really break the ice! And then once we’d gotten all the preamble out of the way, I was going to chop her up and learn her [Magic] trait. Then I’d be able to use magic too!

We’d have so much in common then! She had magic, and I was going take her magic; just imagine the conversations we could have had if she wasn’t going to die painfully in the process! Mutual interests are the cornerstone of a successful relationship, you know. Sure, opposites attract, but all too often that was only temporary. In my opinion, commonality was the binding glue that truly made romance possible.

Oh, gosh, look at me going on about romance! Could it be? Was it possible? Did I have a c-c-crush? Oh, I’m blushing just thinking about it! No, no! I had to put away such silly thoughts! I was just an axe from earth, she was some magical girl from whatever this place was called. That made us as star-crossed as it got!

…Still, she was so pretty!

Focus, axe, focus! Think about what you’re about to gain!

Learning magic was going to be so awesome! It really would cement that feeling of being in another world. I mean, yeah, I was a sentient axe who had learned all kinds of skills and killed a ton of monsters, and that was cool and all, but having magic would somehow make it all feel more real. Having it would be the proof that I was meant to be here! I just couldn’t wait to get started.

Too bad I’d quickly gotten lost.

I wish I’d let the Axe Pack come with me. Their noses could have tracked that lady down in no time. But I had the distinct feeling that they did not like her very much, and I was worried they’d tear her apart if they ever saw her again. I didn’t want to take the risk, so I made them stay back.

Now I was surrounded by all these off-brand orcs who were all growling at me and licking their lips in a way I’ve only ever seen done in a prison shower. It made me feel super uncomfortable! These guys were creepy! Still, maybe they’d be able to point out the way?

“Hey, guys!” I said to them. “I haven’t seen any of you around here before. Are you new to the area? Well, gosh, I guess that makes us neighbors! Yeah, I’m from just down the way. Just a bachelor living the life with his doggies. It’s a good life! A good quiet life.”

They stood there, silently staring at me.

“Well, anyway, I’m looking for a girl who might have passed through this way. You’d have definitely noticed her! She has silken brown hair, pale and creamy skin, eyes that sparkle majestically in the light of the stars, and a voice like warm honey being poured over your soul! I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, no-no, I want her to be my friend, I mean wow, I don’t even know her that well, jeez, my girlfriend, that’s silly! I’m being silly! But hey, do you think she might be interested?”

Again, they stood there, staring.

“Aww, I didn’t think so either. Maybe I’m a little lonelier than I realize. I’ve been in these woods for quite a while, and it sure is tough meeting new people out here. I’m not from around here, I don’t know any of the local customs, and, sigh, I guess I just got caught up in the moment. Anyway, I can see you guys are busy, so I’ll get out of your hair. And hey: thanks for listening. You guys are good neighbors.”

I turned to walk away but had only taken a few steps back towards the woods when I felt something rake down my back. It hurt! I turned around, surprised and saw one of those creatures had clawed me!

“Staaaaaaay,” it hissed to me. Whoa, that was scary!

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“Hey, you cut me!” I yelled. “That’s not being a good neighbor! You should apologize!”

In response, another of them slashed at my face and removed my eye!

“Ow! That’s not an apology, that’s ocular mutilation! You guys aren’t just bad neighbors, you’re bullies! You should feel ashamed of yourselves!”

They crowded around me in a circle and began tearing away at my body using their claws and teeth. Chunks of me were stripped away in an instant, leaving my blood adorning their lips. They were eating me! That was so yucky! What had I ever done to be treated this way! No, no, these guys were bullies and bullies always wanted you to think it was your fault. They were ruffians plain and simple!

Wow, getting torn apart sure was an interesting sensation. But jeez, look at the mess they’d made of me! My guts were hanging out, my arms and legs were at the wrong angles, and now I was stuck with one eye. What a mess!

“All right, all right, what’s going on here?” asked a gruff, authoritative male voice.

I looked up with my remaining eye and saw a large, older looking fellow with salt and pepper hair wearing a red cloak over some snazzy looking personal armor, push his way past my attackers. He took one look at me and frowned, clearly irritated by what he saw.

“Damn skarn,” he said. “Boys, I told you if you came across any strangers, you bring them to me first before you start having your fun! Look at this mess! You guys are dumber than a dog driving a stagecoach, I swear!”

The skarn, if that’s what they were called, looked sheepishly at the ground, embarrassed. Good for you, old guy! Shame these hooligans! Teach them right from wrong!

The old guy knelt beside me and said, “I’m sorry about this, kid. The people I’m working for are complete cheapskates. Good quality mercenaries who can follow simple instructions weren’t in the budget apparently, so they settled for summoning these dumb slabs to use as muscle for this operation. As you can see, you get the results that you pay for.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said sympathetically. “The people I used to work for were the same way. Always cutting the budget to squeeze out every last possible profit! No vision for sustained growth, just slash and burn economics.”

“Hey, you’ve got a little more life in you than I realized!” the old guy exclaimed. “Well, while you’re talking, would you mind telling me what you were doing here?”

“Oh, I was just looking for this girl I met, you see...”

“Oh ho-ho! Did I hear that right? Looking to make a little romance happen under the starlight?” he asked with a wink.

“Oh, gosh no, Mister!” I blushed. “I don’t really know her that well, I just…well, it’s just, she has magic you see…”

“Oh, is that a fact? Heh, that’s a coincidence, I know a little magic too.”

“No way!” I exclaimed excitedly.

“Yes way!”

“What kind?”

“I’m a master of Spirit magic, believe it or not.”

“Really?” I asked. “But you’re so tough looking!”

“Well, I pride myself on being able to handle myself in a fight. Lots of spirit users lose themselves to meditation and pondering the universe and all that crap. I like eating red meat and kicking ass! So, I balanced my studies with rigorous physical training. Muscles like these are the result.”

“Wow, you’re so cool!”

“Thanks kid!”

“So, if you’re a spirit user, why’re you here with these skarn guys?”

“Well, I’m controlling them mentally. See, Skarn are idiots. Can’t learn a damn thing on their own. I’m here to supervise them and keep them from being too stupid. Spirit magic lets me manipulate their minds and keep them under control.”

“Spirit magic is awesome!”

“It really is,” he agreed. He stood up and said, “Well, it was nice meeting you kid. I really dig your energy! It’s rare to meet such positive people in my line of work.”

“It’s no problem at all, sir! Really, I feel honored just to have met someone like you!”

“Thanks! All right guys, you can finish eating him now.”

“Huh?”

And then oblivion struck.

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