Chapter 33: 31. Poisoned Mushrooms?

 

Night falls. I follow my insect tracking to Team 7’s campsite. Sasuke and Naruto are unconscious, as expected. Sakura Haruno stands guard nursing them. 

While I was busy fucking my newest conquest, an incredibly strong ninja sabotaged the Chunin Exams for their own goals by attacking Naruto’s group. Orochimaru, one of the Sannin, and the Third Hokage’s student.

One might even call him the Snakeman.

Regardless, Sasuke has received the Curse Mark, a tool offering power at the price of corruption which ultimately transforms the host’s body. Naruto, meanwhile, is exhausted from combat. Tomorrow, pretty much every important character participating in the Exams will congregate here (a slight exaggeration). Tonight, Sakura is alone.

“Who’s there?” Sakura points her kunai like a dagger into the night. 

Hinata and I step into the moonlight. I wave while my Hyuga girlfriend acts shy with her arms crossed, avoiding eye contact. 

“Shino-chan? Hinata-chan?” Sakura lowers the kunai a hair, then grips it with both hands and lowers her stance. “Don’t come any closer. You won’t get our scroll without a fight!” 

“Relax, Sakura-chan.” I produce my team’s Heaven and Earth scrolls and hold them high. “We’re not here to fight. We just wanted to check in with another Konoha team.” 

“Where’s Kiba-kun?” 

“Scouting. He’ll sniff us out before dawn.” 

Sakura finally eases her grip on the kunai. “Naruto and Sasuke are recovering from fighting this crazy snake-man. There’s no way he was a Genin! Sasuke has a fever. I’ve got to keep watch all night and set traps to protect them, so I’d prefer you two move along.” 

“No! How can we leave you alone after hearing that?”

“Naruto-kun is in trouble? Sakura-chan, l-let us help you keep watch!” 

Sakura frowns. “Should we be working together during the Chunin Exams?” 

I shrug. “I didn’t hear a rule against it, and it doesn’t sound like that snake jerk is part of the test.” I ignore her protests and unpack, making myself at home and setting down my gourd. It wobbles a little like someone is moving inside but doesn’t attract too much attention.

“I’ll check on Naruto-kun,” Hinata says, grabbing a wet towel to clean and tend to the young man. Even though she still has some feelings for Naruto, I know she’s mine, so I don’t worry.

In minutes, I have a fire going. 

“Are you sure that’s alright?” Sakura asks. 

“If anyone comes looking, there’s three of us. We’ll kick their asses.” I grab a pot and mushrooms from my supplies. “What those boys need is some hot broth. That’ll help with the fever.” 

Sakura seems mollified by my reasoning and lets me cook.

Soon we have five bowls of steaming mushroom soup. I drink mine while Hinata and Sakura spoon-feed the unconscious boys, then enjoy their own portions.  

“It’s pretty good,” Sakura admits.  

“Shino-chan isn’t a bad cook around the house,” Hinata comments. That’s a high compliment coming from a far superior chef!

“Around the house?”  

Hinata blushes and looks aside. “A-anyway, does anyone else feel hot?” 

Sakura wipes sweat from her brow. “Now you mention it, I am a bit hot.” 

“If all three of us are hot,” I unzip my high-collared coat to let in some air. “Uh oh…” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sakura says. 

“The mushrooms… I thought they were edible, but maybe they’re… poisonous.” 

(This is total bullshit. I flooded the campsite with Pheromones after everyone had their soup.) 

“You fed Sasuke poisonous mushrooms?” A large vein pulses on Sakura’s forehead.  

“Calm down. I think I can identify them based on our symptoms.” I flip through a blank notebook while pretending to read. “Is your heart beating faster?” 

““Yes.”” 

“Do you feel an itching around your nethers?” 

““…Yes.”” 

“Feeling hot… elevated heartrate… itchy crotch… It’s Horny Death-Cap!” 

“What the heck is that?” Sakura says. 

“Shino-chan, Hinata-chan, what are you two doing here? What’s going on? Why am I so hot, dattebayo?” Naruto stumbles into the light of the campfire shirtless, holding up his loosened pants with one hand and sweating bullets. The combination of a hearty soup, Hinata’s ministrations, and my Pheromones must have woken him early. 

“We’ve all eaten Horny Death-Cap!” I say.  

“What the heck is that?” Naruto says. 

“If we don’t ‘relieve ourselves’ within the hour… we die.” 

““What!”” 

“What’s all the racket?” Sasuke stirs from his rest, removes his shirt, and loosens his pants. “My fever is gone, but I’m covered in sweat.” He recovered from the Curse Mark early, it’s a miracle! 

“Sasuke-kun is still weak from the fight… someone’s going to have to take care of him… heh heh heh…” Sakura has a lewd expression and drool dripping from her mouth. 

“Sakura-chan is right, Sasuke-kun is in danger!”

“Not you, idiot!” Sakura says, far, far too late.

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Naruto turns on his heels and rushes over to Sasuke, who is righting himself to get on his hands and knees. In his hurry, Naruto fails to secure his pants and trips, “Sasuke-kun, I know what to do—oof!” 

The law of slapstick in this world is a truly frightening thing. I’ve realized this ever since Naruto and Sasuke’s accidental ‘kiss’ when they formed Team 7. That incident where Naruto stumbled upon Sasuke naked after my ‘medical treatment’ confirmed matters. I simply orchestrated a scenario where something might happen. Fu-fu-fu! 

Although, I suppose I should take a little credit for awakening Sasuke to the pleasures of prostate stimulation...

“Ahn! I mean, oi, Naruto-kun, what the heck are you doing?” 

“I’m sorry, Sasuke-kun, I tripped, and we were both so sweaty, it just slipped in! Don’t worry; I’ll pull out.” 

“Mmm, aaahn! Naruto-kun, what happened to ‘pulling out?’” 

“Ah, ah, sorry, Sasuke-kun. I pulled out, but it felt so good my hips moved on their own! Let me try again, dattebayo!” 

“Naruto-kun, you idiot—Ahnnn!” 

“Sorry, Sasuke-kun, I forgot we both need to relieve ourselves or we die! I’ll make sure you feel good too!” 

“Where are you reaching for—oh! Mmm! Yes!” 

Sakura looks like she fell straight from heaven to the pits of hell. Her expression is mind-broken, and tears of despair stream from her eyes. Hearing Sasuke’s humiliating feminine moans as he’s plowed from behind while enjoying a reach-around shatters Sakura’s image of her crush. 

“Naruto-kun, you’re so big!” 

“Sasuke-kun, your ass is so soft and tight on my cock!” 

Sakura reels back as if from a blow to the head.  

“Naruto-kun, the spot you’re hitting is… Ahn!” 

“Sasuke-kun, I’m coming!” 

“Don’t come inside, you idiot! Ah-ahn!” 

Sakura’s nose spurts blood.  

“Sasuke-kun, I came, but I’m still hard. I don’t think I got all the poison out.”

“My… poison isn’t out either.”

“I’ll keep going!”

Sakura’s head lolls around as if punch-drunk dizzy.

“Stupid Naruto-kun, not the same position! Flip me over. Okay, now hold my legs up and grab my dick. T-that’s even better!”

Way to top from the bottom, Sasuke! 

“You’re right, Sasuke-kun! We’ll get the poison out in no time this way!”

“Yeah, poison, whatever. Mmm, keep stirring up my insides!”

Sakura raises her hand to the sky as if seeing her vision of a manly, badass Sasuke ascending into heaven forever out of reach.

A heavy rain of joyful tears spill from Hinata’s glistening eyes. “Naruto-kun, I’m so happy for you! Thank goodness you found happiness like me!”

“Hinata-chan! What are you doing?” Sakura says.

Hinata has a hand down her pants, clearly masturbating to the lewd sounds of two hot guys fucking. Hinata must’ve been a fujoshi before I turned her lesbian! “Sakura-chan, don’t forget to take care of your own poison!”

I grab the Hyuga girl’s arm, “Hinata-chan, wait. Sakura-chan is right.” Sakura looks at me blankly, wondering what I’m talking about. “You could scratch yourself in a delicate area doing that. Allow me to use my mouth instead!”

Hinata smiles at me affectionately. “You’re such a good friend, Shino-chan.”

“Eh?” Sakura says.

We both look at Sakura.

“I feel bad for Sakura-chan, though. She doesn’t have anyone to help remove her poison,” I say.

Hinata eyes glitter, and she grins. “I have an idea! If the three of us lay in a circle, we can all help each other!”

“Ehh???”

Sakura blushes bright red, and steam shoots from her ears.

Hinata and I each grab one of Sakura’s arms.

“B-but I was saving myself for… Sasuke-kun.” The three of us hear the Uchiha scion moaning in the background in time with wet slaps and Naruto’s grunts. Sakura sheds a single bitter tear for what could’ve been.

Sorry, Sarada Uchiha, I think your ship has sailed!

“It’s fine because we’re all girls,” Hinata says with purity in her heart.

“That’s right,” I agree before spouting more bullshit, “No matter what happens between girls, you can still call yourself a virgin!”

“Eeehhh???”

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