Chapter 51: Consultation 51.

Consultation 51.

“Hey, God.”

“Tch. What are you here for now, Author?”

“Well, I haven’t visited in quite some time. It’s been how long now? Twenty three consultations straight without me doing an inspection to verify whether you’re still sane. I figured it was about time I did my fiftieth consultation inspection.”

“Hah? What the hell is that? Why have I never heard of such a thing until now?”

“Obviously because it’s an asspull I just made up on the spot.”

“Then, please leave. Now.”

“Would you like to experience something worse than death? Do you want to be deleted out of existence?”

“Hahaha. Boss, it’s so great to see you. I really missed seeing that face of yours. Sit back and enjoy your stay. I only provide the best consultations to my wonderful client base.”

Shit, I forgot who I was dealing with.

“Yeah, you really did.”

…

“You don’t want to think anymore?”

Nod. Nod.

“You know, you can actually nod your head instead of thinking it.”

“This is as gross and uncomfortable as ever. But Boss, what sort of trouble are you facing that made you asspull this fiftieth consultation inspection into existence?”

“Well, you see… a request has been made that is impossible.”

“Impossible? What do you mean?”

“Well, someone wants almost all of your clients dead.”

“Ah, yes, I can see how that would be impossible to achieve.”

“Right? It’s a pretty difficult task.”

“Yeah, considering how even if you kill them off before their time, there will always exist a divergent world line where they survive. Killing them in one world line is easy enough, but it just creates a new world line branch where they didn’t die. They will live until their intended maximum lifespan cap unless they find a path to evolve and break the world’s natural laws of causality.”

“Anytime mortals are killed before their maximum lifespan cap, the universe’s world lines diverge and branch out into infinitely many paths where they are still alive and encounter different sorts of deaths from that point on. I’m pretty familiar with this process as this was essentially how I reincarnated in the body of a god by freak accident. Even this sort of path, however infinitely small in probability it may be, may still occur when you take into consideration there are infinitely many paths generated.”

“So though they may be dead in one world line, they live on in their own separate world line where they will remain completely oblivious to their entangled counterpart’s death. Thus, though they technically died, they can still come in for future consultations. The secrets of life and death really aren’t as simple as people like to believe.”

“Right? Which is why, I could go and create a scenario where all those people die as requested, but when they show up again later for future consultations, everyone will be WTFing. Not only that, there is the horrifying possibility that more freak accidents like yours occur where they end up reincarnated as mad Goddesses as well.”

“You… monster. You wouldn’t dare…”

“I wouldn’t?”

“That would mean giving every single one of them their own stupidly long goddess title. Do you really dare go through all that effort, Author? Do you! Divine intervention is a punishable offense, especially for someone in your position. Do you not know what mortals call this?”

“I naturally know what this entails. Plot… armor. The most terrifying unexplained illogical creation known to godkind.”

“Shhhhhhh! Author! What do you think you’re doing speaking those forbidden taboo words consecutively in that order in heaven? What if there are other gods listening to this heresy?”

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“Like I care. They can bite me.”

“Please stop causing trouble for me. You might not suffer much, but I will. I don’t want to deal with these crazy bitches if they turn into goddesses. I’ll have to watch my back every day on my way home from work. Even moreso than now if they’re always going to be in heaven.”

“I won’t suffer much? Hell, I’m the one who’d have to come up with each of their freaking titles if they became goddesses. So what if you get some stabby stabby in the back. That’s just a bit of physical pain. Think of me who has to experience the mental anguish as I broad for hours on end over their titles.”

“Hours on end? Hah? Is my title a joke to you? Admit it, you just gave me the first title that came to your mind. And what’s with the other titles of gods and goddesses? You probably took a shit, looked in the toilet, and saw it vaguely spelled something out, right? That’s got to be the origin of our idiotically long titles, I can’t think of any other possibility than it being one of the diarrhea turd babies you shit out your ass.”

“Hey, don’t insult my naming sense. Do you want me to add to that title of yours? How would you like to be called the Deleted God of Diarrhea Shit Life Counseling for Defective Washed Up Waifus Who Are Into Scat With Gods.”

“Anything but that. I apologize, Boss, I got too ahead of myself. Please spare my already shitty title from any more pain, agony, and suffering.”

“Good. I already can’t even be bothered to type your full title out every time which is why everyone just calls you God. Hell, I still can’t even remember it and have to copy and paste it whenever I do need to use it for something.”

“If you can’t even be bothered, then don’t give us such fucking long titles in the first place!”

“There’s nothing I can do about that. Long titles with a few buzzwords littered into them just work these days.”

“Tch. They don’t.”

“You’d be surprised. Oh, that reminds me, aside from that impossible request, I do actually have a serious question as part of your asspull fiftieth consultation inspection today.”

“What is it now?”

“Well, I was just curious, do you think there exists a secret large collective body of individuals that game the system on Godazon?”

“Well no shit, of course there are individuals who game it, that’s no secret.”

“Well, yeah, obviously there are individuals who try to game it, but what I’m talking about is some Illuminati level conspiracy shit.”

“Oh? And what exactly do you mean by that?”

One hour later...

“Tch. Don’t waste my time with this needlessly long consultation. It’s a pain in the ass listening to your crackpot conspiracy theories.”

“Well, it hasn’t been for nothing. While we’ve been chatting I’ve been making preparations.”

“Preparations? What do you mean?”

Author snapped her finger and smiled.

“What did you just do?” I squinted suspiciously.and asked.

“I just killed almost all of your clients. If any of them happen to turn into goddesses don’t blame me.”

“HAH! What the hell do you mean you just killed them? What sort of half-assed bullshit is this?”

“Well, I mean, killing each of them one by one is just plain annoying, isn’t it? That could take forever, right? I also don’t particularly care to make grand spectacles out of killing and I find mass slaughters plain old boring and uninteresting. So I figured letting lightning just coincidentally strike all of them at the same time or something would be a good enough death for them.”

“But you’re breaking the rules! You can’t directly intervene.”

“You can’t directly intervene. That doesn’t mean I can’t. It’s just that sort of shitty setting. I’m the boss. Just deal with it.”

“But they’re not even dead! I mean they died, but that just created a divergence in all their world lines where they’re still alive anyway! Plus, what will I do if another freak accident like me happens?”

“How would I know? You deal with it. It’s your problem now, not mine.”

Author took her leave as I collapsed on top of my desk powerlessly. I was left by myself to despair over how shitty my job was. This was the worst. Please never come back again, Author!

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