Chapter 8: Chapter Eight

We stayed in DuPais for the night. And despite my protests, the people of the village were quick to tear down their Hawk God banners and replace them with shittily-drawn flags of a crimson wolf face. 

I hope that doesn’t piss off the Hawk God, earning me a target from yet another divine being, I thought, scratching the back of my head. 

The village didn’t have much to spare in the way of offerings for their new goddess, but everyone was happy to offer things that didn’t carry a financial cost. In a way, I enjoyed that even more. 

Everyone built a huge bonfire and then danced around it singing about a new era for DuPais, one free of bandits under the protection of their newfound Wolf Goddess.

Orange and yellow lights swirled around outstretched shadows in the shape of people doing their dances to express their gratitude. I smelled their sweat as they danced in the heat of this crisp autumn evening. But none of that seemed to matter as they were lost in the celebration. 

The people of DuPais managed to scrounge together a few bottles of an alcohol they called Rhosyre, made from scavenged forest berries. It was quite tart, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I finished my glass and then placed it far enough away from me that they couldn’t refill it. 

Smoke drifted off into the starry night as the dancing wound down, and Red, Pyra, and I were served a smoked fish caught in a nearby pond. The fish was brown with white stripes down the center, and they’d basically shoved a pointy stick through them and let the creatures roast in front of the bonfire. 

Back in Boston, I had access to some pretty great seafood, so I wouldn’t call this a fancy meal. But the fact that these poor folks offered it to me freely assigned it a value I couldn’t quantify. They gave this food to me out of their poverty, and I felt moved with every bite, crunchy in some spots and soggy in others. 

 Once the evening celebrations settled down, I found the most valuable offerings came in the form of a hot bath and a soft bed. We were given rooms in the house of an older woman named Bonna. She was a shorter woman who walked with a wooden cane carved with the design of little birds flying around the tool. Bonna’s skin was a tawny yellow-brown, and she wore a patch over one of her eyes. 

As I sat in a large barrel of warm water, steam billowing around me in the modest bathing room just outside of Bonna’s home, I washed the dirt off and used a soap that smelled like sage. After washing my hair, I just soaked there for several minutes. I let Pyra and Red bathe before me so I could spend longer sitting in the hot water. 

Giggling to myself as I sat there with a rag over my forehead, I muttered, “Now that’s some goddess-level genius right there.” 

But my peace was not to last, as I heard harsh, yet familiar voices outside. My ears twitched and swiveled just a little to hone in and focus. It sounded like Red and Pyra were having a heated discussion. 

Score one for the wolf senses, I thought. I still haven’t found a use for my tail, but the ears do come in handy. 

When I heard what they were arguing about, I was no longer in the mood to crack jokes. Outside, aside from crickets chirping on the outskirts of DuPais, I heard my wife and bard locked in a tense debate. 

“You need to stop trying to change her!” Red said. 

It was enough to make me gasp and then choke on the steam in my bath. 

“What are you talking about, Jenny Red? How am I changing Ruka?” the bard asked, and I could imagine her orange and white tail a little poofed the more agitated she got. 

There was a beat of silence as my wife considered exactly how to word her complaint, but she found what she wanted to say. 

“You know damn well how you’re changing her. Tonight marks the second time. First was with Katira in the river and tonight you persuaded Ruka to stay and fight these bandits. Both were unnecessary risks,” Red said. 

“I didn’t persuade her to do anything, huntsman. I didn’t say a word as Katira struggled in the river. Ruka decided that on her own. And tonight? I simply made the argument we should help DuPais. Once again, our goddess took it upon herself to act.” 

My wife scoffed. 

“But that’s just it. Ruka wouldn’t have done either of those things on her own! You influenced her. Were you using your bard magic to persuade her?”

“I have to be playing music to use my magic, you inept axe fighter. And as we discussed in Decarth, it does not affect goddesses,” the fox woman said. “I think what you should be asking yourself is why I seem to have a little more influence over Ruka than you at the moment. That seems to be what you’re pissed about.” 

Red stopped to consider this for a moment, and I found myself once again listening to the crickets until she spoke again. 

“No. That’s bullshit, Pyra. I know my wife. I know how she behaves. And the decisions she’s made over the last day aren’t like her.” 

Now I heard Pyra’s arms pop as she presumably threw her hands into the air. 

“Well, no wonder! In case you hadn’t noticed, that’s not the same Ruka we’re traveling with. You understand that, right? There’s a different woman inside that body from a whole ‘nother world. Her name is Lea. So of course she’s not acting like the Ruka you knew,” the demigod said.

“Don’t you dare call her that. Her name is Ruka the Wolf Goddess. Who she was before reincarnation is irrelevant. By the time we’re finished collecting the pieces of her heart, she’ll be my Ruka again,” the huntsman said. 

I slunk down into the water. This entire conversation was causing my guts to feel like they were tangling up. Was Red mad at me? Because I hadn’t been acting enough like her wife?

Fuck. . . I didn’t consider there was a certain way I was supposed to behave, I thought. 

The bard’s tone softened as she spoke now. 

“Shit, Jenny Red. Doesn’t that bother you in the slightest? The spirit of your dead wife struck a bargain with this poor woman, and it sounds like she got a pretty raw deal. To lose herself entirely? Become a stranger? How can that sit right with you?”

Red spat, and I heard the cloth on her cloak rustle as she crossed her arms. I pictured her looking down at the ground she’d just spat on. 

“That girl knew what she was getting into. In the end, I just want another chance to be with my wife, no matter the cost. There’s no way you can know what it’s like to wander the world for two centuries with a loss like that on your heart, praying every night for a chance to turn things around,” the huntsman said. “I told her, and now I’m telling you. I don’t care about the logistics. Who she was is moot. Who she will be is all I care about. That’s why I swing my axe. That’s why I cut down all those in her path. That’s why I’ll get those other three heart pieces for her.” 

With that, I heard my wife storm off back toward the bonfire. I had no clue where she was going, or when I’d see her again. But my chest felt heavy, and I closed my eyes, sinking down into the water until it covered my nose. 

Slowly blowing bubbles, I considered their arguments. 

Pyra didn’t know what she was talking about, right? I mean, I made a deal. I gave Ruka my word that I’d become her. Now here I was, and I had to honor that promise. 

Besides, there’s nothing much of Lea I care about losing, I thought, watching smaller bubbles float across the barrel before popping. 

Sighing, I eventually got out of the bath, drained the water, and put on a basic gray robe Bonna had left me. It also had little birds stitched onto its sides. 

I wasn’t sure what to do after that. Most of DuPais was asleep, including Bonna. I hadn’t heard Red come back yet, so I just found myself sitting in Bonna’s eating room, staring into a slowly-dimming lantern. 

Eventually, I heard the floor creak, and a voice said, “Can’t sleep?”

Looking over, I saw Pyra coming in to sit down next to me. I pulled over a pillow for her to sit on. 

“Just. . . lots of thoughts. Too many to put to bed,” I said. 

The bard nodded. She’d finger-combed her hair, but being outside in the wind had left it fuzzy and a funny swirl in places. 

“I’m assuming you only suddenly had lots of thoughts after hearing my argument with your wife?” the bard asked. 

Flinching, I made a clicking noise with my tongue, ears flat against my head. 

“Hard to hide anything from these,” I said, pointing up at the ears. 

The bard giggled and lightly flicked the tip of one with her claw. Then she looked into the burning lantern as a gray moth flew nearby and landed on the table. 

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“How do you feel?” she asked. 

I was taken aback by this question and stammered for a few moments. 

“Uh. . . about what?”

She gestured around the room. 

“Everything.” 

That earned her a deep sigh and some more contemplation. 

“The truth is, Pyra, I was pretty happy tonight. Saving this place was. . . terrifying. But when I opened that grimoire and found the spell within, knowing I was going to save the people here, and give them hope, my heart swelled,” I said, rubbing one hand over another. “And afterward, when they started a prayer of thanks, I felt it, felt their faith in me growing. It just — there are no words. It felt like nourishment for my soul, nothing I’ve ever experienced before.” 

“Yeah?” was all she said, with a gentle smile. 

“For the first time since arriving on Gyrrelle, I felt like I could actually be a goddess. More than that, I think I want to be. I want to inspire people and help those that need a miracle to turn their life around,” I said. “Sorry, I know that probably sounds corny.” 

The bard silently shook her head, and we sat there as the lantern continued to burn down for the evening. Outside I heard the hoot of an owl and crunching grass as Streak, Gray Paws, and Katira got the zoomies out of their system for the night. 

“Ruka?” 

I turned to look into the bard’s amber eyes, unsure of what she would say. 

“You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be, okay?” the fox woman said. 

My ears flattened more, and I looked at the chipped wooden floor beneath our pillows. Of course she would say something like that. For the daughter of a trickster goddess, Pyra sure was kind-hearted.

“Listen. . . I appreciate you sticking up for me. But I did make a deal back in my world with the original Ruka. She’s counting on me to become her and give this world a Wolf Goddess once more,” I said. “I’m not upset about losing myself to become her. Trust me. If you knew Lea, you’d understand there’s not much worth getting upset over.” 

Now Pyra’s ears flattened, and she stood up with a huff. 

“You don’t get to talk about someone I care about like that,” she said, frowning at me, her tail bristled behind her. 

Fuck, can I just stop making my friends mad at me for two seconds? I thought. 

Standing up, I apologized quietly. 

The demigod rolled her eyes and placed a hand over her face as she sighed. Then I saw her stance soften, and she grabbed both my hands. I flinched. 

To my consternation, the bard sang a slow tune.

 

Always know who you are and what you’re worth, 

because you matter a whole damn lot. 

Don’t lose sight of yourself. There’s value to unearth. 

You have a rare quality that isn’t difficult to spot. 

Dance with me, laugh and shake with mirth. 

 

As Pyra serenaded me and slowly spun me here and there in a queer dance, I happened to catch a glance at the lantern. From the flickering flame, two figures hopped off the wick and onto the tabletop, wavering orange lights that danced hand-in-hand mirroring us. 

When Pyra dipped me, one of the figures did the same. And when she held my head on her shoulder, the dancing flames matched that as well. 

The dance and song came to an end, but Pyra pressed a gentle hand to the back of my head and kept it resting on her shoulder for a moment more. 

“I have seen the value of your life, Ruka. I adore the way you talk to Gray Paws, Streak, and Katira just the same as you would to Red or myself. I’m drawn to your kind heart that doesn’t hesitate to bring hope to those who need it. There is a softness to your existence within the framework of a goddess that I think this world desperately needs. So please. . . don’t say that there’s nothing worth getting upset over. That’s not true in the least,” the bard whispered. 

Heat flushed to my cheeks as she kept my head pressed against her shoulder. I could smell the same sage soap on the demigod that I’d used earlier. Though her hair also still contained the smell of bonfire smoke. 

“But. . . I think Red is counting on me to become the Ruka she knew and loved,” I said. “Wouldn’t it be cruel of me to deny her that transformation?”

The bard merely shook her head. 

“You don’t live solely for her. You don’t live just for me, either. You live for yourself. While I’ll never tell you what to do, I will always remind you that your life has meaning, whether you call yourself Lea or Ruka, okay?”

She gently pulled on my hair until I lifted my head from her shoulder and looked Pyra right in the eyes, just a few inches away. 

“Okay,” I whispered, as though our exchange had to be kept secret. 

Pyra rested a hand on my cheek. 

“You want to be the Wolf Goddess? Then be her. But carry that mark of divinity for your sake, because you chose to. Honor that, and I’ll always be by your side in every hike, every fight, and every prayer. Part of my faith in you is knowing your worth. But none of that matters if you don’t remember your own value.” 

Again with the whisper. 

“What is my value?” 

The bard moved forward an inch and lightly kissed the tip of my nose. I felt the tickle of her whiskers as she backed away and said, “Priceless.” 

Then she left me alone with my thoughts again. So I sat back down on the pillow to look into the lantern some more, thinking, only to watch the two fire figures kiss and then vanish in a puff of smoke. 

After that, the lantern did not relight. 

So I sighed and went to bed where Katira, Streak, and Gray Paws were waiting for me post-zoomies. 

And I thought to myself, Am I allowed to still be me?

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