Chapter 101: 101

The hymns echoed between the two, the melody unbefitting of the current situation. Raymond stared at Dullan. Dullan stared back at Raymond. Unlike how he was in the hallway, he did not avert his gaze. He didn’t even look afraid. Dullan stared at Raymond with an unreadable look. Then, he answered.

“…You don’t need to seek forgiveness. I-In your situation, it’s only n-natural to doubt.”

“Do I?”

Raymond took in Dullan’s answer. He was not surprised. Hadn’t he anticipated this answer, too? The fire of that day, too—it was unnatural.

Raymond lowered his head and interlaced his fingers. Even if he were to confirm the truth here, he couldn’t help but feel strange. For some reason, Raymond could feel something wriggling around his chest.

“……”

Raymond closed his eyes. He listened to the hymns being sung at the main hall, far away from his ears. O Lord, thy heavenly grace impart. The incongruous hymns continued to echo. Raymond felt a surge of emotion that could not be his own feelings. He opened his eyes, and he saw Dullan’s red face.

“I understand. Thank you.”

“…D-Do you have anything else to confess?”

“Please forgive me for not being able to trust you, even now.”

“…What?”

The priest was clumsy in all manners. Even when it came to lying.

After hearing the other man’s answer, Raymond became certain. Dullan might try to hide it behind his silence, but Raymond knew. He didn’t know exactly what he was thinking inside, but this was enough for Raymond to confirm it.

Raymond looked up again at Dullan. He seemed to have given up a little.

“For my ignorance, may the Lord forgive me for this sin.”

“…Sir R-Raymond?”

“Thank you for healing Zion. You are an instrument of God, and I apologize for doubting you for a moment.”

Raymond rose from his seat. Dullan’s expression changed.

“W-Wait.”

“You are not the type of person who can kill your fellow man.”

Not unlike Raymond.

“Thank you for listening to my confession. Do take care.”

“……!”

Following after Raymond, Dullan left the confessional booth. With light casting down on the priest, he looked more ungainly. He reached out with a slender arm and grabbed Raymond.

“…Why… did you come here?”

“I came here to confess my sins. I know it myself that I’ve sinned, so I came here to confess and then go back.”

Through Dullan’s reply, Raymond saw how willing he was to defend Carynne. That was enough. And he was also thankful towards the priest for saving Zion. However, Dullan held Raymond back this time. His expression had become distorted.

“Did I not say t-that you have not s-sin— sinned?”

“Yes, I see.”

“It is not… a sin… to doubt.”

Dullan gripped Raymond’s arm tighter. But to Raymond, who was a well-trained soldier, that grip was just feeble.

“All you said was that it’s natural to doubt because of my situation.”

“I, I…”

Raymond grasped Dullan’s arm and gently pulled him off.

“I apologize, Reverend Dullan. I cannot believe.”

“…I-Is this because I sa…saved that soldier? A-Are you so sure that, that I am not a killer?”

Dullan asked, under the impression that his deed of saving Zion was what reversed Raymond’s suspicion on him. As if to say— Do you think that I can’t become the kind of person who’d kill someone else? Are you saying that I’m a coward? Like a man pretending to be evil.

“Goodness, Reverend. Have you come to regret saving a man?”

“……”

That’s what Dullan’s face was saying. Raymond felt a bit bitter due to this. Through good faith and good intentions. There was once a time when he believed that the world was based on such values. However, theory and practice were two different things.

“Reverend, it would be best to keep your voice down.”

Footsteps were approaching. Those steps soon receded though, and then there were no other signs of movement along the corridor. Still, however, the hymns continued. Those melodies reached even outside.

Raymond grabbed Dullan by the shoulder. He could feel the priest shaking. This was, in a way, an outward act of calming him down, but it was nothing else but a threat. Raymond spoke quietly near Dullan’s ear.

“Don’t worry too much, Reverend.”

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Raymond decided to live with his sins.

* * *

Raymond Saytes had one simple criteria when meeting women. Just the appearance.

Raymond Saytes was just an ordinary man.

Although he was quite handsome, he wasn’t particularly that different from any other man because he had been surrounded by many dashing boys among his peers while he was growing up.

Since these young lords were born into nobility, most of them were neat and affluently dressed. They grew up in their countryside fiefs and played in the mud in front of their families, and Raymond was no different. That’s why it’s hard to say that he had an exceptionally different childhood.

As rural boys usually were, he believed that one’s outward appearance was useless. He had been a young boy who enjoyed wrestling and playing around rather than dressing up.

At that time, he had been showered with compliments as people would say, ‘You’re so handsome.’ Whenever he heard this, he would thank them graciously while in front of them, but at night before he went to sleep, he would scribble on his face and wish that he’d get a scar on his face like a pirate, thinking that it would be cool. That’s the extent of his concern for appearances.

He was nimble and quick on his feet, but back then, no one imagined that he’s suited to become a soldier. At that time, rather than Raymond’s reputation as a member of the Saytes Barony, people were more interested in the household’s major trades, such as meat and wool.

The sheep they were raising were strong, the territory’s weather was good, and the people were easygoing. Although they had been slightly pushed out from politics, the income of the barony was stable, and he was simply the son of a peaceful land’s lord. His father was brave and his mother was kind, and so it was not out of the ordinary that their child turned out to be strong and kind, too.

No one doubted that he had a bright future ahead of him because he had everything—appearance, health, a good personality and intellect. Apart from that, his parents and his older brother cared for him as well.

“Raymond, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Raymond’s older brother had already started taking successorship lessons, so Raymond had more paths open to him regarding his future. Most of the household’s land and property would go to the successor, but the second son was at least free to choose for himself.

The young Raymond thought that this was a lot cooler, so he had no problems with this. It was a childlike method of believing and facing life’s trials and hardships. And so, back then, Raymond wanted to become a scholar.

“I want to study more.”

Seeing the child’s attitude be the complete opposite of the first son, his father chuckled. Raymond’s wish to study was an exemplary and pure endeavor into learning more about the truth of the world in his life. It wasn’t about making money or diving into the arts, and it wasn’t the same kind of discipline that a priest would have in his worldly suffering and divestment.

“It won’t be easy.”

“What the. Brother, don’t pick a fight with me.”

“Handsome men have a difficult time living in the world. Once you’re fifteen years old, I’m sure women won’t let you go.”

“Does Brother also live like that?”

“Of course.”

The baroness patted Raymond’s head.

“Live as you please. Still, studying won’t be easy.”

It was a peaceful time. In the same way that children from other happy families did, Raymond loved his family. Sunlight streamed through the gaps of the trees’ leaves, and white sheep were grazing in the wide meadow. Several shepherds waved towards the baron and baroness, who were watching from the side. Though he was not conscious of it, Raymond was happy.

It was a beautiful period in his life.

Yet, as with everything, those days were bound to come to an early end.

“My head…”

“Mother?”

One day, his mother winced and complained of a headache. Her fine features became distorted. Then, the baroness lay sick in bed as she collapsed. The doctors rushed in. Raymond tried to come near the baroness, but his brother stopped him.

“You can’t.”

“Why? You went in though…”

Raymond pouted, but that didn’t work.

“It’s okay for me to go in because I’m an adult, but you’re still young so you can’t. Go to your room and pray.”

“Father! Brother is stopping me from going in!”

Raymond clutched his father’s pants, but his father also had a grave expression. The baron took off Raymond’s hands from his pants, then he held them tightly. His father’s hands were too hot. The expression that Raymond saw on the baron’s face made it more difficult for him to complain.

“Raymond, listen to your older brother. And… The doctor’s here, so it will be fine. Just wait a little more, please.”

“Why can’t I go in? Why is Mother sick?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

The adults entered the room. After being left out alone, Raymond grew sad. He was also part of the family. He was also worried about his mother.

Raymond didn’t give up. He leaned forward, resting his ear on the door.

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