Chapter 64: CH 64

00. That knight

Raymond Saytes. The man who Carynne thought was her male lead.

Back when Raymond was around the age Carynne was now, he entered the military academy. Then, two years later, he was deployed to the battlefield. Raymond’s home country was not at war, but these things happened at times. The country had to send troops elsewhere to save face.

“But it was honorable to me.”

An honorable war, he said. As Carynne listened to his story, it sounded like a distant tale. She comforted him, she wept for him.

But like any other good story, it was inevitable to get tired of it after listening to it. After ten years of hearing the same story, Carynne got bored of it.

To Carynne, everything in this world was inside a novel anyway. That story wasn’t even about 「 Carynne 」. That war beyond the White Mountain Range was only a tragedy to serve as a backstory for Raymond. Once upon a time, long ago, there was a brave knight—something like that. It was a story that’s more tangible than a legend or a myth, but more distant than a priest’s weekly sermon.

It would have been better if dragons and demons existed. Like the knights of ye olde, with either a spear or a sword rather than a gun, conquering dragons instead of fellow men. It’s no fun now. In the end, it came to a point that the story became less interesting than a fairy tale.

“I wish to love. I wish for it to be true love.”

Raymond sometimes woke up gasping for air in the middle of the night…

“What do you think, Isella?”

Carynne asked as she wiped down Isella’s limp body. Isella did not answer. And Carynne did not care about that fact at all. She inwardly took some comfort in receiving this new doll, which listened to her worries.

Compared to Tom, the comatose Isella was even less responsive, but this girl held more significance to Carynne in more ways than Tom did. So to speak, this was a valuable rarity.

“You and Sir Raymond as a couple while standing side by side would be quite the sight to see. The wedding, too, da-dun, da-dun and with you two in matching colors, Mister Verdic will surely be satisfied.”

“……”

“Now that I think about it, you’re both blonds, huh. Sir Raymond has great hair, considering he rolled around in the battlefield before. It’s fascinating. Ah, men have shorter hair, so it’s only natural. Women have long hair, so it’s difficult to maintain…”

Carynne rubbed Isella’s scalp and made bubbles.

“…Sir Raymond, I’ve.”

That man. I’ve been thinking about him.

She’s been thinking about him ever since. And he’s clearly been avoiding any time he’d be alone with her lately. Truthfully, Carynne had so many things to do, so she often used the time tending to Isella to grumble and organize her thoughts.

“It’s like his hair’s made out of gold. I asked him what he uses on it, but he just answered, ‘I don’t put anything on it,’ and it was clear on his face that he found my question nonsensical? And there was a look in his eyes that was asking how could a man do something like that? Seriously, that’s why… I wish that it becomes fashionable for women to cut our hair short, too. I heard that in the countries beyond the mountain range, there’s quite a lot of women who wear their hair short…”

Carynne explained as she imagined herself with ladies who had hair as short as men’s. It was so unfathomable. They weren’t in the middle of a war, but there were many women who had short hair.

“Indeed, it’s a bit straight, right? If bobbed hair becomes popular, later on… perhaps being bald can be in style.”

While giggling, she poured hot water on Isella’s hair.

“Isella, have you played with dolls before? I don’t… remember ever playing with dolls. I don’t know. I don’t remember… My childhood was such a long time ago. I’m sure you did it a lot. There’s still many dolls in the room you used to have. They were all luxurious items. The dollhouse is an amazing antique piece, too. I believe it’s a replica of a 300-year-old mansion. The detailed accessories are magnificent as well. The interior design is modern though, so it really looks like an aristocrat’s home. The paintings inside are also copies of real famous paintings, and even the books lining the little shelves… I found out that there’s actually words and pictures on them. Rather than letting a child play with it, I thought that a work of art like that should be placed in a glass box and be put on display.”

“……”

“To be honest, I took a doll out for a bit. I didn’t get your permission first, so I’m sorry. But I was wondering how far the doll’s bare body would resemble the real deal, that’s why. I’ve been curious about it for a while now, but I never got the chance to check. Way back when, I tried to touch one of your dolls, but Miss Isella, you pulled my hair and… um… it did hurt a bit. Anyway, the doll was elaborately made, but that’s all there is. Obviously. Fufu.”

Carynne thought about those dolls inside. She also thought that she was like those dolls, as cliché as it was, but wasn’t a cliché thought like that something common to many people? Carynne, Raymond and Isella were like dolls being controlled by someone else’s hands. According to the situation, they would meet, separate, fall in love.

Seeing a male soldier doll with blue glass beads as his eyes made her think about Raymond. Even his clothes resembled Raymond’s uniform, so it reminded her of him even more. The doll’s clothes were a replica of a real knight’s uniform, so it’s only natural that she did.

“The color of their eyes are a little different, but it resembles Sir Raymond a whole deal. It’s only typical since he’s the standard handsome guy. He’s like a doll. He’s got clearly defined facial features, he’s tall, his skin is nice and his body is good.”

That’s why Carynne was also under the impression that he was the male lead. But now she wondered if she really did ‘read’ the 「 book 」. After her father’s death, Carynne was now leaning more towards the theory that she inherited her mother’s mental illness. And this theory stemmed from Catherine’s delusion of thinking that she was an individual who came from outside the book, and that her daughter Carynne was also an outsider.

And under the active consent of the fief lord, Nancy and Dullan turned Carynne into a lunatic.

“It’s funny to think about myself in this way. What’s up with that, if you’re a lunatic, then you shouldn’t be able to realize that you’re a lunatic, so if you start to suspect that you’re a madman and say that you’re not crazy, isn’t that a real joke? What’s the point of doubting yourself? What do you know, when in just one day you can have hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of thoughts? How could you think that the conclusion you’ve come up with by yourself is the same as a philosopher’s thoughts? How could the thought processes of a normal person and a madman be lumped together. Philosophers aren’t lunatics. How can they assure it… So the fact that I… the fact that I’m not mad after inheriting this lunacy from my mother… I wonder how it can be proved.”

Above all else, what Carynne needed was that proof. If there’s someone else who was repeating their existence just like her, then would this pain go away? If there’s someone else who was repeating their life just like her, then would this pain go away? She wanted proof that she wouldn’t be subjected to more pain. But in a world where it was impossible to be sure of anything, it was much too dreadful to endure.

“…Or perhaps, if I die, then it will all be over.”

Carynne patted Isella’s hair dry with a towel and squeezed out the moisture. Then, she infused some aromatic oil on it. Argan oil was what’s been wiped on her hair, then again, hot water was brought below so that it could be steamed.

“Since it’s so much work to maintain and improve your hair like this so it’s softer to the touch, it must be worthwhile for whoever gets to touch it later… Have strength, Isella.”

“……”

“I hope your condition can improve a bit with this.”

Staring at Isella’s dry, ill-colored hair, Carynne sighed.

Then, she took out the rose water and applied it to Isella’s face.

“I heard that this has a concentration of 30,000 rose bushes, but is that true?”

“……”

“Mm. At this point though, I don’t think that you or Mister Verdic would let yourselves be scammed…. Maybe.”

“……”

“I know that you’re jealous of me because you’re insecure about your looks.”

Carynne stood up for a moment, then tapped her own shoulder.

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“Uuugh, I’m aching all over. After all that, I’m a lady-in-waiting again. And you’re Lady Isella. Well, even if he said that, Mister Verdic doesn’t really want me to be his real daughter, of course.”

“……”

“Isella, do you love Sir Raymond?”

Carynne was curious about that.

“Do you truly love him? With all your heart? To the extent that if it’s not that person, it feels like you’ll die? Or maybe, do you wish to grow old with him, see your children and then close your eyes forever at the same time—like that?”

“……”

Isella wouldn’t answer. Carynne was curious about Isella’s true feelings. Her thoughts had become so complicated because of her parents. Love. What about it. For as much as intense and strong a fleeting emotion like that was, Carynne knew it was ephemeral.

In the same way that she couldn’t tell whether she was crazy or not as there was no criteria or yardstick for it, love was the same case for Carynne as well. She didn’t know. How would she know if her love and other people’s love were the same? How would she be able to confirm that the feelings of Catherine, who had found the answer, were the same as the feelings of a normal person?

“To be honest, love… um… yeah. Uh… I also had a father. I once had a mother, too. I can’t remember, but… I met your mother once, Miss Isella. But you’re prettier than your mother. That’s a compliment. Anyway, what I’m saying is, my father said that love will give me salvation. True love… It will… save me from this hell, he said. But then I’m still in hell.”

“……”

“Is the true love between my parents not the same as the love between Sir Raymond and I?”

“……”

A rhythmic cadence could be heard accompanying the IV drip. Only she and Isella existed in that quiet room.

This space was exceedingly tranquil.

Carynne lay down next to Isella and closed her eyes.

“It wasn’t that great of a love.”

A smile curled up on her lips. For Carynne, the fief lord’s love was only just ordinary love. Carynne wished for equivalence. She wanted a love that had the same weight as death. Complete understanding and trust. She yearned for love that would not be afraid of death.

Isella’s sickbed was placed at the highest floor, which was the quietest place in the mansion. Morbidly white walls. A serene and neat space. Isella, who did not respond at all, was a less engaging conversation partner compared to Tom, but Carynne was satisfied with this.

“Isella… Raymond hated you. He probably still isn’t fond of you. It’s something that couldn’t be helped. From all the way back in the past… For all one hundred years, he never loved you, not even once.”

Carynne thought about it. Raymond was a knight dedicated to her, through and through. And he was cruel to other women, including Isella. This time, too, it’s the same case just as she thought. Any woman didn’t like a man who was kind to everyone. It should be a man who was kind only to her. To have him all to herself.

“Indeed… What to do. It’s truly only towards me… only towards 「 Carynne Hare 」 that he’s sweet… If it comes to a point that he’s got the entire world against him as he points his gun out for the sake of one thing, it’s either these two. Perhaps something that he holds dear.”

Carynne dressed Isella with her outer clothing.

“Or perhaps something that seems important as it’s come in his sight.”

Did he lie about his feelings towards her? Carynne thought about why Raymond was the one for herself. Was he really the kind of person who’d fall in love at first sight and uphold that love unconditionally? Was that truly possible?

“…What do you think?”

Even if all the girl did was sleep with her eyes constantly closed, if she was being taken care of every day, there’s no difference. Whenever Verdic came back, Carynne got everything laid out for her, even her makeup. Although Verdic was thinking that Isella was getting better gradually.

“Really, what do you think.”

There was a huge burn on Isella’s throat.

But thanks to that massive scar, the mark that Carynne left when she pummeled Isella on the head wasn’t noticed.

“……”

“……”

Carynne wordlessly hovered a pillow over Isella’s face. If she were to press down for a few minutes here, it would be over. The room was serene. The sun’s rays seeped into the room. It’s beautiful. The bright, lovely ward was filled with heavenly quietude.

“If I strangle your neck here…”

She picked up the pillow. Her lips drew up into a curve.

“Then my neck would be slashed, right?”

She rose to her feet and opened the window. The summer breeze swept into the room. How refreshing. Carynne closed her eyes for a moment, then opened them once more. It’s a beautiful world.

“The weather is so nice.”

* * *

In the middle of the night, Carynne knocked on Raymond’s door.

“…I don’t believe this behavior is becoming of a lady, Carynne… Evans.”

Raymond trailed off a little at the end of the sentence.

“This name doesn’t suit you quite yet. In any case, if it’s not urgent, I think it would be best for us to meet during dinner tomorrow instead.”

So what exactly are you trying to get me to say in front of ten other people?

Carynne was taken aback for a moment because of Raymond, and it was as if she had forgotten what she was about to say.

“Then, would it be alright if I close the door now? I bid you a pleasant evening.”

“Sir Raymond, actually, I love you.”

The door was opened.

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