Chapter 55: 53 – Ends and Their Means

After Dharma calmed down a bit, she was able to speak again.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. My idea of what's possible to achieve in a few days was shattered. That's all amazing news, Lia, and you have my thanks for all of it."

I just nod at the poor old elf. I feel like if I had any more surprises I may have given her a heart attack. 

"That's amazing, Lia! But…" Zahra looks down. "I don't know who to ask except for Granny…"

"Well that's a start. Try breaking it down into each role." I hold up my hands and count as I name off the roles. "You need someone to lead and organize the hunters. Someone to lead and organize the farmers. Someone to lead construction work for the palisade around the new fields. 

"In my opinion, Dharma would be a good person to lead talks between the two groups of elves to make sure relations remain as good as possible. She is the reason they're still alive, after all.

"Then you will need someone to lead a military or security force that will work with my own. As well as someone to handle the distribution of books and teaching of magic. It would also be good for you if someone could handle getting people into housing and making sure they have what they need.

"If Dharma handles the part I mentioned, then you're left with finding six people. Talk with Dharma and think over who may be a good fit for each. One of the main things to focus on will be that they have as open of a mind to accept the other group of elves as possible. If they don't, this pointless civil war will just continue to a lesser degree inside of my walls. And that, I will not allow."

The princess turns to Dharma. "Granny, will you help me find people?"

"Of course I will."

She smiles at the old priestess, then turns back to me. "But, Lia. What will I be doing after I find those people? Isn't that all of the things you had?"

I chuckle a little at that. "You'll find very quickly that work finds you. All of those people will report to you. Bring questions, comments, and complaints to you. Other things will inevitably come up that will require your attention. You need to be available unless there is a task that is either so crucial you need to do it, or is something that only you can do.

"Take me coming here or visiting the dwarves. It was my people's first contact with the other races in a millennium. That's important enough for me to handle personally. 

"Whoever you appoint to the different roles will ultimately reflect upon you. If they fail, it reflects on you. Same if they succeed. Getting reports from them and guiding them to reach your vision is going to be important. Anyway, it's probably about time to get a move on again. Keep the news of the other elves secret, at least until we exit the forest. It won't do us any good right now."

Dharma nods. "Alright, Lia."

"Yes, Lia!" Zahra said.

After that we all jogged along again. After thinking and devising a plan through the day, that evening, I called out to Dharma and Zahra once more.

"I had an idea. Explaining that the other elves will be joining a month after you may be easier to explain if Dharma had another 'oracle'"

Dharma was silent for a moment, then unenthusiastically said, "You want me to lie to them?"

"Yes. Yes I do." I stare her in the eyes through my helmet. "How else do you explain the information you just received? They'll be much more receptive to peace if it came from their gods. And really, it isn't even a complete lie. Look." I took out the letter from Chaos and pointed at the parts that mention the other group. "Even if you don't call it an oracle, you can still say that the gods said they were sincere in coming to Midnight. If bending the truth will save lives and end this stupid conflict, shouldn't it be done?"

"That… You may have a point. I might not like it, but I can see how it can ease a lot of people."

"It also gives us the ability to say that was why we were so prepared to receive them at Midnight. Saying that the gods let us know beforehand will make everything flow much smoother and is the ultimate cop-out."

"I… Can see how that could be," Dharma reluctantly conceded. 

I speak a bit more gently. "We aren't bending the truth for a malicious reason. It's to protect both parties."

Dharma was quiet for a bit. "Then let me ask you this, Lia. When do the ends not justify the means? Where is the line? I'm a priestess. I don't lie to my fellows. I've lived my life being completely honest to them. To bend the truth like this and say that the gods did something that they didn't… it's sacrilegious to me as well as against my morals. Even if it is the safest choice for the moment, if I lie about this, where will it stop?"

Hmm. That's a good one. That's an argument with no real answer. On Earth, plenty of atrocities have been committed by using the ends to justify the means.

After thinking for a minute, I say, "To me, when the means endanger your own people. Or when the means are extreme and can be easily discovered."

"Then to you, as long as it's to protect your people, you are justified in most actions?" she questioned.

After a moment, I nod. "I would say yes. I'll give my people safety so they can prosper for themselves. If there's a threat, I'll remove it. When I finally attack the church, I'll do many terrible things. I'll commit atrocities that would make almost anyone pale. Yet, I'll still do them. As it is, the Empire is a danger to me and my citizens, and I'll do what is needed to see that danger removed. 

"I don't believe you can defeat evil by being good. They don't cancel each other out. Good plays by rules. They have restrictions and limitations. Evil doesn't. If someone doesn't play by the rules, how can you hope to beat them if you're restricted? No, good doesn't beat evil. 

"Evil also can't beat evil. It just causes more pain and destruction. To me, the only thing that can defeat evil is being between both good and evil. Straddling both sides. Striving to be good but not hesitate to do evil when it's required.

"There are some situations where the ends justify the means, but others where they don't. It's up to history to tell us if we made the correct choices."

""...""

They were both silent after that, absorbing what I just said. I hadn't really thought of it that much before. Maybe that's why Chaos and Order chose someone like me. I wouldn't call myself evil, but I'm certainly not fucking good. I'm no hero. Yet, if things go as planned, I'll somehow have helped the races of this world to move forward. I just have to wade through a sea of blood to clear the path. 

Maybe they chose a bastard like me because I'd do what was needed. Even if it's terrible... I really fucking hate myself sometimes. Even with this whole elven civil war. Now that all of the elves are coming to Midnight, I'll have to interact with them.

How many orphans did I make? How many parents will never see their sons or daughters? I hate myself for doing that. But the worst part? I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I believe it was the best decision I could've made. To get them to reach a point where peace could be made, I had to kill, or give orders to kill, many people that may have been better people than some of those that survived. When those kids cry themselves to sleep at night, never to see a family member again, that was because of my decisions.

What a fucking walking contradiction I am. I hate that I did it, and I hate that I would do it again without question. How big of a fucking hypocrite am I? Someone would think that if I really hated creating those orphans, I should've not killed those people. Easy. Any hero or protagonist from fucking stories could have found a way to diffuse the situation. 

However, this is my life, and that's not who I am. I made what I thought to be the best choice at the time, and I still believe it was. All of the pain, curses, and hate that the survivors hurl towards whoever they think their assailants were, I'll silently shoulder it. Now and in the future, for all of the orphans and widows I'll create. Even if I have to one day bear the weight of the world on my shoulders, that's the least I can do.

Once I defeat the church, I'll probably be the living person with the most deaths attributed to them. If you count direct, indirect, and ordered.

Would I then be the largest evil left on Erald?

Am I going to get involved in some fucking 'The World's Finest Assassin Gets Reincarnated in Another World as an Aristocrat' shit where the gods send a hero to kill an evil, then send an assassin to kill the hero?

Fuck. At this point, unless I let my guard down, the gods sending someone to kill me would probably be the biggest chance for my death. What's worse is there isn't a damn thing I can do if that's the case. Just like they sent me, they could easily decide I'm no longer needed. They could decide that I break the world's balance too much. Then design a situation like mine where they make someone stupidly OP and drop fucking OP gear or skills.

Just like that manga/novel, about the only thing that can realistically kill someone stupidly OP is someone equally OP but spec'd as a straight assassin counter. Like someone built as an assassin at my level, but with ridiculous light and dark magic. Enough to get by my skills and shoot a light beam through my head while I sleep. 

Fuck. Am I getting paranoid now? Dammit, Chaos, Order. If you can fucking read my mind, don't fucking send a god-sanctioned assassin after me or my family. After the church is gone, I'll play nice. I just want to live with my family. Fuck, create a small island way off the coast and tell me to go there with them and I happily would. I've already died once before coming here and I finally found what I want. Plus, I know I can't fuck with either of you. No matter how strong I am, you're still fucking gods. 

Is this how people feel about me? Having a certain amount of fear of someone much more powerful than you, that can kill you easily if they want to, but helps and guides you, and gives you things? Yet, there's always that bit of fear and a 'what if?' Oooo. I'm fucking scary then. I wouldn't be surprised if someday someone gets too scared and tries to off me. All I can do at that point is  to become to them as the gods are to me. Become someone so high above them that they don't even think about fucking with me. 

However, that just snowballs. The stronger I become to protect myself and my family, the more fearsome I become. The more fearsome I am, the greater the chance someone tries to preemptively kill me, fearing what I might or could do. Once this is all over, would I then be the largest threat to the vampires and my people? Not directly, but by being by them, they could be attacked to get to me or used against me. 

Also, when did I start caring so much about the people inside of my walls? Weren't they just shields against prejudice I would use? Why do I care about being a good ruler for them now, and worry about their safety and well-being? Dammit… What the fuck is wrong with my head?

Well, guess there really isn't anything I can do if the gods decide to get rid of me. Best I can do is play by the rules when the church is gone and try my best to keep everything here from devolving into shit. 

Wait. Did I just have an inner panic attack while in a conversation with Dharma and Zahra? Looking around, I don't see them anywhere. Fuck. Well, our conversation was pretty much over for the night. Going all philosophical can end conversations pretty quickly. But she started it! I must've totally spaced the fuck out.

I hop on Talon, and we fly a couple increasingly large circles, low over the treetops to make sure our perimeter is clear as of now. Once done, we land and take our normal positions before telling Ailine and Anastasia I love them and going to sleep.

For almost three weeks, our routine was almost identical. Now that I didn't have to hunt elves, Talon and I moved to hunting animals to help feed people, and to get a stockpile for when we arrive and need all the food we can get.

I also taught Talon how to use a belt pouch. Being that she can understand things and also use magic, I thought why the hell couldn't she? Turns out, she certainly can. She now has one attached to the side of one of her front legs so it doesn't interfere with her running, flying, or fighting, but that she can still access easily. She just flips it open with her beak, and can place animals she kills into it. Such a smart girl. Seriously. Her level of intelligence is probably at least to the level of an older child or young teen. 

If Mitena is going to be smarter than this, then she might as well just be another person. One that can eventually kill all but a few of us. Damn. I can see why the gods didn't 'launch' dragons until they could try to make sure they didn't end up as indiscriminate killers.

Finally, we saw the elven forest/jungle thin and the trees common in the monster lands began to increase. Along with the pesky monsters like goblins. Zahra had also selected her leaders for the different tasks. I don't really care who she chose, but she seemed pretty excited and told me all about it. In fact, over these past weeks her interactions with me have changed a lot. 

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Originally she hated me, or at least disliked me. Honestly, with pretty good reason. After she asked me what made a ruler, it's like something changed. Like she listened to an indie rock or indie pop CD a second time and then became a fan-girl for how deep the lyrics she originally disliked were. Am I her focus in her Death Cab for Cutie phase? Or would this be more of a Vampire Weekend phase?

She has been excitedly keeping me up to date with what she does and a 'good job' from me seems to make her day. The fuck? Did I somehow become like an edgy big sister that a kid looks up to and wants compliments and attention from? I mean, I do wear all black… And there was that time with the ogres and my bat… Am I a delinquent?

Well, she's doing a decent job of organizing everyone, it looks like. Dharma also seems pleased with her. She really is like a nice old grandma raising a grandkid. I wonder how she and Alienor will get along? A chill grandma and an over enthusiastic and hyper woman… Oh well. Whatever happens, happens. None of my business. 

At the noon stop, I walk up to Zahra, who's speaking with some other elves. It's time for her to do something else.

"Princess Zahra, could I have a moment?"

"Certainly, Queen Midnight."

We both address each other like we normally do when around others. After walking a bit away, I started again.

"Alright, Zahra. Most of the elves don't have any sort of armor or weapons, correct? Even clothes. You're all dressed for the jungle, not more temperate climates."

"That's true." She skewed her mouth while thinking. "Besides when I was brought here with a small group for a couple years to level up on monsters, we aren't a military force, or even that prepared for the cooler weather. Some have more clothes than others, but besides the hunters that also came here for a while, most are low level and have never left the forest. Leaving our hideout for the ruins was a very quick affair, and we never had much since we never knew when we would have to run."

"That's what I was thinking," I said. "Now, here's what you are going to do as the leader of your people. Let's stop here for the day and set camp. In my bag are piles of clothes, fabric, weapons, armor, wands, and staves. You are to get people together to help distribute items to everyone. 

"Everyone should have a set of clothes. If soldiers or hunters want armor, then that as well. Everyone should have a weapon, wand, or staff. If they've never used a weapon, give them a spear. Some of the fabric is pretty thick, so it could be doled out as blankets for the foldable thin mats you all have. Does that make sense?"

"Yes! I will get people to help right now!"

She runs off and starts talking to various elves and gathering a little group shadowing her. Meanwhile, I start taking everything out and making piles. Originally, this was all stuff to trade, but fuck it. I'll just add it as justification for hiring them to build the second city.

When done, I stand back and watch as Zahra and her little group got everyone in line and began distributing the items. I sat away from the elves against a tree and Dharma came over.

"Mind if I sit as well? All this jogging does a number on these old bones."

"Ha! Sure, Dharma. And you may be old, but I can tell you can still run circles around a lot of these lower levels."

She smiles cheekily. "Maybe so, but I'm far past my prime… Thank you for doing this."

"The items? Sure." I wave it off. "If you all are coming to my city I can't have you all freezing from the mild temps like a bunch of Floridians. Plus, more small monsters will show up. They should all have some type of weapon."

"Flori—nevermind. The items, too, but I meant with Zahra."

I look back at the teenage princess handing out items. "If she's going to lead, she needs experience, and that should start small. Organizing people to distribute items isn't a bad start."

"She looks up to you, you know." Dharma watches Zahra warmly as well. "She sees you as an idol. Of what she one day hopes to be like."

"I've noticed it a bit. She should really find a better role model. I'm not someone she should be trying to be like. She's a good kid and I hope she'll one day be able to objectively look at me and my choices and make her own decisions. 

"I hope that someday she gets to the point where she can disagree with me on a choice I make. Stand her ground with her own well thought-out argument, and defend her point of view. Then she might be ready to be a queen."

Dharma chuckled. "We may have to wait a while for that."

"We may," I agree. "Standing up against someone you look up to is difficult, but I think it's necessary. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Blind faith and copying actions doesn't make a ruler. It makes a puppet or a doll."

Dharma is silent for a full minute, then asks, "I've been wondering, Lia. Where did you learn all of this, yourself? Your ideas, your philosophies, they're unlike anything I've ever seen or heard. I know I haven't been in the larger world, but I can't imagine they're common ideas to have."

I titter to myself. "Well it's not a world breaking secret or something I care about anymore, but just don't go spouting this to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. First, I'm curious. I've asked a few people and received similar answers. I want to know yours. Why do you think I'm alive as a vampire if the world thought they were extinct? Especially if your stories are correct and a mass [system] message was sent?"

"... I had thought there were just a couple in hiding deep in the monster lands and you happened to be one that was hidden away or were turned by one… And that the message was just a story."

"Yup, same or close to the same assumption everyone makes." I look up at the treetops. "And no. The vampires really were extinct. Every last one of them was killed. I don't know if a message was really sent, but from the message targeted to all vampires I got when I became a queen, I could easily believe it. Same with the older humans I talked to. When their Emperor dies, and their successor takes their place, all humans get a message. Funny enough, the [system] still refers to them as 'King' and not "Emperor." Bunch of conceited bastards named themselves that. Anyway, knowing they all died, why do you think I'm here?"

"...That I don't know. It sounds like the work of the gods to revive someone."

"Close. It does deal with the gods." I look back at the old woman. "No, Dharma, it's because I'm not from this world originally. I died on my world and Chaos and Order nabbed my soul, gave me the task to destroy the Empire and their church, then changed me into a woman and a vampire and dropped me by some ruins at level 1."

"You… Aren't from Erald?" She looked at me like I was, well, an alien. She's not wrong.

"Nope." I smile at her even though she can't see it. "My world was called Earth. Imaginative, I know. I was a man there and died from a disease. My world was far larger. We had something like, seven billion people if I remember correctly. Hard to imagine that many, and there were no races besides humans and no monsters. 

"Our world didn't have magic, but we had science far above what's here. You know your moon? We had vehicles that could take people to ours. We had devices that stored all of our knowledge that could be accessed by an item that could fit in a pocket that most people had. We could talk to almost anyone in the world whenever we wanted, with the same device."

"That sounds like an amazing civilization," she said, her astonishment clear.

"It was, but it also wasn't. With that many people and countries, there were almost constant wars. We even had a couple that many of the countries of the world joined in on. Even though we were all humans, many people discriminated against others for stupid and arbitrary reasons like the way they chose to worship their god, their skin tone, or who someone loved. Yes, our science was amazing. However, more often than not, it was used or gained from wars started for pointless reasons."

I think back to my time with Shane in Dunmoor. "I heard from a dwarven historian that almost one hundred fifty thousand people died in the final battle with the vampires. The numbers vary, but in the Second World War my world had, there were an estimated eighty million casualties. Only roughly thirty percent of those were military deaths."

My tone becomes more somber. "That war came to an end for two reasons. Another superpower was about to enter the final campaign, and my country designed a new weapon. A weapon that made an explosion so deadly it could erase a city in an instant and poison anyone near it. The first time it was used in the war, it killed or injured an estimated one hundred forty thousand in the blast and the aftermath. 

"It was dropped on a city and the majority of people killed were civilians. After being used on a second city, the war came to an end." I readjust my sitting position to my arms holding my knees. "I hate wars. They bring so much pain and death to those not involved. But a decision was made that dragging the war on would bring more death than using the weapons. What's the value of an allied soldier vs an enemy civilian? Where does the scale balance? Even when I died many years later, people still argued about if it was the right decision." I scoff. "Like there's ever a right decision in a war. They argued if killing that many justified ending the war, just like you asked me about the means and their ends. My answer? Who knows. Where's the line for justifiable civilian casualties?

"Seventy years later, the majority of large countries had weapons like that, but even more powerful. At one point there were estimated to be enough to kill the majority of people on my world if every country used theirs. How frightening is that? Yes, our civilization was great. Our science, advanced. With all of that, we were one angry, stupid, bigoted, or greedy politician away from destroying ourselves."

"..." 

Dharma didn't have anything to say. What could you say to that? I'd been thinking more about what I plan to do recently since she asked me about my means. Compared to modern wars on Earth, everything here on Erald is just skirmishes. And there is no doubt in my mind that my actions are going to kill many civilians, directly and indirectly.

Hell. If what Navi said all those years ago was true about there being sci-fi like realms and worlds, I'm sure there have been some Alderaan-like planet destroying shit that makes Earth look like a kid's fight.

I eventually broke the silence. "I was brought here by Chaos and Order to complete a task for them. Me, who sees the worst in most people. I'm not a hero. I wouldn't even call myself a good person. When I chose to accept their request and come here, I chose to lift a burden from this world and carry it. 

"I will hold that burden and clear a way for good people like Zahra to thrive. I'll make a world where my daughter can explore in relative safety if she wants. A world where the young like both of them will be able to have far less innocent blood on their hands than me. Once my task is done, all I want to do is live quietly with my wife and daughter. To spend time drawing with them, playing hide-and-seek, or just enjoying each other's company.

"Yet, somehow, I doubt it'll ever be that simple. Isn't it funny? To reach my goal of creating a world where I can live peacefully, I need power. 'With great power comes great responsibility.' And that responsibility will never let me live completely peacefully. I'll most likely become one of the most powerful existences in this world, and I may never achieve a goal that the average person may take for granted.

"How many people will I kill to reach the end? How many good people will lose their lives or the lives of their loved ones by my actions? When the Empire is destabilized, how many children will die of hunger because of me? When any semblance of order is gone from the humans, and only chaos remains, how many women will be taken by bandits, people killed, lives ruined, all because of my machinations? Is all of that justified by the gods giving me this quest to secure the future of the survivors? Will my daughter still be able to look at me when it's over?"

I sigh in resignation. "You did a good job raising a kind young woman. Both her and my daughter are too good for the world as it is. Too good to be hurt or scared or fleeing for their lives. I don't want Zahra to be like me. I don't think anyone should ever wish to be like me. She deserves to just be herself. To have the opportunity to be herself, and the chance to make her own choices in life. Once she has the skills to lead her people, that's what I hope for her. That she can just be herself."

As I sat there, all of these words and thoughts just came out. Damn old people. I'm cursed. They just lull me into a place that makes me talk and babble on about nonsense. Is it the comforting feeling they give off that makes me do this? Fuck. I can't even remember how this tangent even started. Why is all of this just hitting me now? When I agreed over a decade ago, I knew I would have to do a lot of things, both good and bad. Why are my emotions suddenly feeling so damn turbulent?

After a couple minutes of just sitting there, watching the smiling girl as she hands out items, I feel Dharma grab me and pull me to her into an embrace, even while I'm in my armor. Glancing up through my visor, I could see she had silent tears coming out as she held me.

Quietly, she says, "Thank you, Lia. Thank you for taking on a burden that shouldn't have been yours to carry. For fighting for a world and its people that weren't yours to start with. For dirtying your hands for all of our sake. For sacrificing your desires so that others can dream of theirs. Just...Thank you."

Blinking once, I only just realized I had tears as well. She released me, and unable to wipe them away with my helmet on, we just sat there. An old priestess and a queen dressed for battle. In silence, we watched a smiling young woman take some of her first steps towards her own dream.

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