Chapter 72: 68 – Penitence

(I'm finished here, Your Majesty,) Sara said over the FCN to me.

(Good job, Sara. Are you going to make your way back here, now?) I asked.

(Yes. We should arrive in about three weeks.)

(Perfect. Your boy should be getting back a little before that,) I said. (Has he told you much about their trip?)

(No, he refuses to go into much detail,) Sara said, sounding a bit forlorn. (However, Queen Ailine has told me about their trip. It sounds like they are having a good time.)

(Right? You'd probably need a book to keep track of all of the antics Anastasia, Degare, Perrin, and Mitena get into. Anyway, be safe coming home, and keep me posted on if anything changes with the woman you found or any of the MSF teams.)

(Yes, Your Majesty!)

As Sara went back to her travels, I got back to working on our weapons.

"What's up, Vamps?" Navi asked as we worked.

"Not much," I said. "Sara will be home shortly after Ailine and the others get back."

"Nice! Around that same time, I should have another baby sprout and be born a few weeks later!"

I stopped at her sudden reveal. "Congrats, Navi. It'll be nice having another niece flying around."

"Ehehehe! My babies are always so dang cute!"

"How much longer do you think we have to finish these?" I asked.

"Hmm… Well, we got the big one done. Now we're just making the smaller ones." Navi paused and looked at the size of the weapon we were working on. "Well, smaller than the huge one, anyway. These are still massive! Regardless, based on what the undercover peeps said, we'll finish these, then I'll enchant some cores to do some fun things. We have to deliver the cores to your peeps, and then the fun can start! Probably still a couple months out."

I began magically creating more metal. "Well, it's all pretty monotonous work. These things are going to do some serious fucking damage."

"Hahaha! You're darn tootin'!" she said as we continued to work.

Three weeks later, I received a message.

(Mommy Lia! We can see the wall!) Anastasia said.

(I'll meet you there!) I replied.

I turned to my work partner. "Hey, Navi. Ailine and Anastasia are back, so I'm quitting early. Want to come?"

"Sure!" She flew over to me and sat on my shoulder. "Let's go see the little ragamuffin!"

We teleported out of the Abyssal Dungeon cavern back to the lab and made our way to the wall. I think this is the first time I'm welcoming someone back from a trip. Normally it's me coming home.

When we got to the wall, we could see the procession in the distance. As they got closer, I made out a small cloaked figure waving while hanging out of the carriage window. 

Once the carriage got close, before it even came to a full stop, the door flew open and Anastasia dove out of it and ran over for a hug.

"Mommy Lia! I missed you so much!" She yelled while hugging me.

"I missed you too, Anastasia. Did you have a fun trip?" I asked.

She excitedly nodded. "Yeah! It was so much fun!"

Ailine came up as I was releasing Anastasia. "Do I get a hug as well?" she cheekily asked.

"Of course." I pulled her into a hug and we both equipped our shadow cloaks and unequipped our helmets so we could share a kiss without the fucking sun burning us. 

Navi flew over to Mitena and sat on her back. "Sup, dragon! You bully some dwarves?"

Mitena snorted. (It's not my fault they chose to look at Anastasia. And why are you on my back?)

Navi looked at Mitena like she asked the dumbest question ever. "Because the image of an armored fairy riding a tiny dragon into battle would be freaking metal."

(But you can fly.)

"Doesn't matter." Navi looked over at me. "Lia! I need you to make me a painting! I want it to be of me riding Mitena with my sword raised, in a lightning storm, charging towards a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!"

"That…" I thought about the image for a moment. "That sounds like something you would find at a Goodwill."

"It sounds totally rad is more like it!" she shouted. "Now, giddy up!" 

Mitena looked like she was about to protest when Anastasia chimed in. "I think Mitena looks so cool with Aunt Navi!"

Mitena froze, then sighed. (I'll allow you to ride me this once.)

After that, we all returned to the castle as the dwarves that returned got settled once more. I had already heard most of the details, but Perrin told me about what was discussed in Dunmoor and that the dwarves would begin building a road connecting us. I already had Elden recruiting workers, and some of the dwarven earth mages that were training here would use it as an opportunity to test their skills.

Mitena also decided to stay in her smaller form for the time being. It seemed she really enjoyed being able to sleep in bed with Anastasia once again. In stories, dragons were always possessive creatures. I guess that still holds true here, only instead of gold or treasure, she's possessive and protective of Anastasia. Fine by me. I doubt there are many guards better than a fucking dragon.

A few days later when the sun had just set, I got a message that Sara's group was within sight of the walls.

I was drawing with Anastasia and Degare when I got her message. 

"Hey, Degare," I said. "Your moms are almost here. You gonna go meet them at the wall?"

He paused his drawing. "Um…"

"Yes!" Anastasia interjected. She grabbed his hand and yanked him out of his chair. "Let's go welcome back your moms, Degare!"

Blushing slightly, he was nearly dragged out of the room as they ran off towards the wall. Mitena and I followed behind. With the sun having just set, we didn't have cloaks or armor on. 

I had given a lot of thought about the woman, Dolores, that they were bringing back. From what they told me, she seems to have severe depression and is blaming herself for something she did in the past. For someone dealing with depression like her, whatever she believes, right or wrong, is her reality. She truly believes that dying was a way to fix whatever happened. Just telling her it isn't an answer won't do anything, and she'll just deny it. She'll refuse to accept a different narrative. She truly believes from the bottom of her heart that two plus two equals five. The hard part will be to get her to attempt to do the math again and come to a different conclusion about herself and her self-worth. 

I'm no expert on mental health. I only muddled my way through when I tried to help Ailine. However, I've wanted to die before, back on Earth. Depression and suicidal thoughts arent things that would ever be compared between people. Situations affect people differently. And if anyone ever says something fucking stupid like 'you shouldn't be depressed because so-and-so had it worse,' I'll punch their fucking teeth out.

Disagreeing and telling her she's wrong will close her off. I don't really want to deal with this, but at the same time, Steph seems to have become emotionally attached. Whether it's because they were held in the same place, or she feels responsible for the incident with Dolores, if another incident occurs, it'll hurt Steph. 

Right now, along with talking to someone, I believe Dolores could use something to keep her busy and keep her mind off of her past while she works through it. She also needs to have an eye kept on her, just in case. Steph's my friend and a great help to me, so if I can get the help Dolores needs to put Steph at ease, that's what I'll do. I think I could come up with a job for her as well to help keep her somewhat busy and give her a little bit of direction.

When the wagon got close, Sara and Steph got off and came up to us. 

Sara smiled. "We're back, Degare."

He looked down, embarrassed. "Yeah… Welcome back, Maw Sara. Maw Steph."

Anastasia suddenly pushed him forward and he was caught by Sara. That then turned into a hug, which he returned after a second of hesitation.

I looked back to the wagon and watched as a woman who couldn't be more than twenty, slowly got out and awkwardly stood behind the others. 

"I take it that you are Dolores," I said to the woman with long brown hair and a beautiful face. 

She dipped into an elegant curtsy. "I am, Your Majesty."

I smiled at her. "Welcome to Midnight, Dolores. We're happy to have you."

Anastasia walked up to her. "My name is Anastasia Midnight, Princess of the Vampires. It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Dolores."

How could anyone not smile at my adorable daughter and her improved proper greeting? She's just too cute!

Dolores curtseyed to her as well with a smile. "The pleasure is mine, Princess Anastasia."

From this interaction alone and her movements, Dolores has some experience with high society. At least I would think so. For fucks sake, I can't even curtsy as gracefully as her or even Realyn Whitewater. Good fucking thing I'm a queen and don't have to do that shit. Ha!

I decided to move things along. "It's getting late. Let's all head back to the castle for the night. Dolores, we will have a room for you there, and I would like to talk to you in the morning."

"Understood," she said. "Thank you for the hospitality, Your Majesty."

We all began walking back as one of the gate guards took the horses and mule along with the wagon.

When we walked into the castle, I called out to one of the name-still-unknown-to-me maids. "Show Miss Dolores to a room, if you would."

"Yes, Your Majesty," she said with a bow. "Please follow me, Miss Dolores."

They both went off as Steph and Sara took Degare away for the night, and I left with Anastasia and Mitena to meet up with Ailine who had returned from the dungeon while we were away. We tucked Anastasia into bed with Mitena, and returned to our room for the night. 

The next morning, I called for Alienor. 

She walked into the parlor I was sitting in. "Greetings, Queen Midnight. What can I do for the one chosen by the gods?"

"Hello, Head Priestess Alienor," I said. "I have a request. There is a woman who came to us from the Empire last evening. She is someone that could use your help working through her past. I would like to call her here and be present this first time, as there are things I would like to determine, as well as potential work she can do for me if I deem her not to be a risk. After this I would like it if she could regularly meet with you."

"Of course!" she excitedly replied. "Helping those who need it is what we're here for!"

"Then I will call her in, if you would like to have a seat."

I know that it may be best for her to only meet with Alienor, but after meeting her yesterday, I have a slight idea of what route to go with her, but need to find out her past. She may be a framed noble like Elden, or a second or third daughter that was married off and sold or something. Whatever her past, I need to know more about her if I'm to work closely with her. Thus, I'm making the decision to be here this first time. 

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I'll also have Steph stay unless she says otherwise. It wouldn't necessarily be for Dolores' sake, but I think hearing her talk about her circumstances might be good for Steph. Who knows. I'm probably making Earth therapists cringe. Yet, call it intuition or a gut feeling, but I just feel like this is the right way to go for Dolores at this time. I'm not really sure why, but fuck it. I'll trust myself here.

(Steph, could you please have Dolores come to the main parlor? You join us as well.) I said mentally.

(Yes, Your Majesty,) she replied.

A few minutes later, Steph knocked on the door.

"Come in," I said loud enough to be heard through the thick door.

"Pardon me," Dolores said as she walked inside and Steph closed the door behind them.

"Please have a seat," I said while motioning to the couch.

They both go to the couch and sit. Steph looks curious, while Dolores is nervously clutching her hands.

"First, while here, please just call me Lia. There's no need for any formalities today, and I would like for you to feel comfortable being open and honest. Next to me is Head Priestess Alienor of the Church of Balance. Alienor is a dwarf who has helped get our church started."

"It's wonderful to meet you, Dolores," Alienor said. "I very much look forward to talking with you."

Dolores nodded at Alienor. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Your Ma—Lia, may I ask why I was called today?"

"Of course." I said. "I wanted to talk with you." I turned towards Alienor. 

She nodded and asked, "Dolores, do you have thoughts of commiting suicide anytime soon?"

She looked completely taken aback by the abrupt question right out of the gate. It may be abrupt, but I don't believe talking about suicide increases the risk of that person following through with it or not. I think that sometimes talking openly and without judgment or invalidation can sometimes be helpful for the person. Personally, I also appreciate Alienor not pussyfooting around the subject.

"I…" she hesitated. "I… Yes. I think that would be for the best."

"I see," she said. "Could you tell us why that would be the best?"

Dolores looked down and we waited patiently for a minute or two for her. "I'm not someone who has the right to live, after the things I've done and the lives I've ruined."

Alienor gently asked, "And what are some of the things you've done that make you feel that way?"

After more silence, Dolores began to tell us a bit of her history. It started slow, but quickly seemed like a seal was lifted as she poured out her past. "My full name... is Dolores Opheliarus... I was a Viscountess in the Empire… My territory included some small coastal villages in the far northeast of the Empire. 

"My mother and father died in an accident while I was young, and as an only child, the viscounty and title were left to me. I never had an attachment to my parents even while young, as they made it clear to me they had never wanted a daughter.

"Because I was six years old at the time they died, a baron who was a vassal and already oversaw one of the villages, managed the rest of the viscounty in my stead. His mansion was close to the one he originally oversaw, while mine was closer to the others. I spent my years doing as I pleased. The baron gave me all the coin to do what I wanted, and complimented my actions as being those of a true noble. He would give me praise that I had never before received. 

"I had guards he assigned that followed any order I gave. I did whatever I wanted to whoever I wanted. I tormented people on the street, imprisoning some of them for ridiculous slights, while I laughed at them. I even had some of the slaves in the fields executed for petty reasons. Simply put, I was a terror.

"As I grew, my actions didn't change except for becoming bored with tormenting people in town. Even tormenting the slaves that worked at my residence became old. The baron had enacted laws to prevent people from leaving my lands, and their taxation was heavy. I paid it no mind as I was benefitting and living lavishly.

"When I turned eleven, the baron introduced me to a priest of a nearby town. He connected me with a network that bought and sold illegal slaves, as well as sanctioned robberies and murders.

"I used their services to sell some of the people who displeased me or rob the few merchants in my territory, drunk as I was on the power I believed I wielded. I can only lament at the pain and suffering that my actions caused. 

"When I turned thirteen, the baron approached me. He revealed that while he was doing perfectly fine monetarily, my viscounty was in severe debt to him. The amount was staggering. The coin I had been using was classified as a loan that he had me sign in passing at a ball I once held years prior. I had no clue as to what I had signed when I was seven, but I did sign it and it was acknowledged as valid by the church.

"He proposed that I marry his son and heir to his barony, and he would erase the debt. I would make his son the viscount and relinquish my claims to any and all land, property, and possessions, living only as a wife. I refused vehemently. 

"Over the next couple years, I attempted to run my viscounty properly, at least in the villages the baron didn't control. However, I had no idea how to manage a territory. I had long ago stopped hiring teachers of any sort as I lazed about. I also couldn't find anyone willing to come to my lands to work or to assist me. The local citizens were so impoverished and untrusting that they refused to work with me as well.

"Eventually, I had to sell everything I had to cover the interest on my debt. Because the contract was well written, there was no way I could escape it. Early on, I even tried using the services of the network to assassinate the baron, but he was a better customer than I was and they refused me outright and cut off any further contact with me. 

"One day, I became fed up and threatened to expose the network and the baron. The next morning, I was labeled a heretic. My nearly empty mansion, the last thing I owned of any value, was burned to the ground and I was taken in as a heretic for questioning by the priest I had worked with.

"At that point, my will was broken after I watched my home burn away and was thrown into a cell. I never resisted or tried to run. As others were brought in and taken away, I learned about the pain that my past actions had caused. I began to think about all of the lives I've destroyed. All of the people I sent to places like this. 

"I began to try to help or reassure those that came to the cell with me. However, when they recognized me or found out who I was, they immediately avoided me or even attacked me. When I tried to keep my identity a secret, the priest seemed to take pleasure in revealing it. 

"As I began to stop fighting back against those who attacked me, it suddenly stopped. The people brought in didn't know me or care who I was any longer. The priest made sure they were from villages outside of my viscounty and they didn't care about me. It was torturous. He had only been keeping me with people that had a rightful grudge against me until I broke. Once I finally wanted them to kill me, he placed me with people that didn't know who I was.

"I despaired. The priest's treatment of me became my only form of redemption. Yet, the pain and humiliation he put me through wasn't enough to redeem what pain I had caused. It couldn't make up for those I had hurt or people I had killed. For almost four years, I was in that cell.

"And then Steph and Sara found me. I thought that since I could no longer repent with the pain from the priest, I had been given an opportunity to repent with my death. Yet, I couldn't even accomplish that."

Dolores resolutely turned to Steph, who had tears in her eyes. "Steph. You have been so kind and caring. On the way here, you even told me about your past. I was surprised to find out that your village was one of the ones in my lands, the one managed by the Baron. So, you see. I'm not a good person. I don't deserve your kindness. 

"Because of my actions and inactions, your village suffered, your mother died, and you were taken. I have caused so much pain and suffering, and even when I tried to correct it, I was worthless and it was too late. I had all but made it so that I couldn't interfere with the Baron. He was essentially a vassal in name only at that point.

"Please hate me, Steph. You said on the trip that you killed the Baron and his family for your revenge. Please kill me to finish your revenge. As the one who was supposed to oversee the actions of the Baron, I was also responsible. I know my life isn't worth much, but it's all I have to give to you."

Steph looked heartbroken. Admittedly, I was torn between feeling sorry for her and wanting to kill her myself. Thinking back on my list of names for people to eliminate that was compiled, I think there was a Viscountess Opheliarus on it. Probably from all of those records the bandit priest kept. From her story, she would've definitely been someone I would kill without a second thought. Yet, looking at the woman in front of me… I don't know.

From the sounds of it, she has done some unforgivable things. She was a terrible person. Although, she was a child. A child that essentially had a twisted and manipulative guardian. A child that could be argued was a victim as well.

However, that doesn't necessarily excuse her actions. Even on Earth, children her age could be tried as adults and sentenced for crimes. She is certainly someone that would've been a target for me.

What's the reason I kill my targets? It's not because I enjoy it. I'm also not trying to make the Empire a happy and perfect place to live. That's definitely not my fucking goal, and I'll leave that to whatever poor sap takes over. I guess killing my targets is simply the most effective and efficient way to get rid of a hindrance.

To reform the Empire so that they will interact peacefully, I need to clean it up. At least to some extent, but it's not like I'm going to interview every noble to determine if they stay or go. Would killing Dolores as she is right now, help my goal in any way, shape, or form?

Can people repent for their pasts? Is there a way to repent? On Earth, she would likely be put in prison for a couple decades at least. Yet, this isn't Earth, and what the fuck would that accomplish? Really, she was already in a cell and tortured for years. Does being enslaved make up for what she did? It certainly won't bring anyone back from the dead or fix a damn thing.

For all of the innocents that my actions will kill, what would my penance be? Does seeking redemption matter to anyone but the one searching for it? It doesn't change what happened. Is it only self-serving? If it doesn't have a purpose, why do we seek to atone for our actions?

Why are people and emotions so fucking complex? Does her seeking to repent with her life take her off my list, or is it simply an emotional decision? If she had been responsible for taking Ailine, I think I would kill her on the spot. Even if she was only a child at the time and even while she's in this state. Even if I was in Steph's position, I might kill her.

Yet, because I have no connection to the people she wronged or killed, I don't really feel the same. It's fucking stupid but irrefutable that some lives matter more to me. It's heartless, but I can't lie about it. If Ailine and some random person were dangling off a cliff, there isn't even a question who I would save. Hmph. People, including me, are such greedy, self-serving, and disgusting beings.  

By not killing her, am I essentially saying the people she hurt or killed don't matter? Or am I simply leaving her fate up to those she hurt? All those she hurt were someone else's Ailine, after all.

So, I guess I'll take revenge for Ailine, but not a stranger. Even though they're both people, does knowing and caring about someone make their life more valuable? Is that how on Earth I could watch the news about people dying and starving, and not feel any attachment? Why they just seemed like numbers that didn't really matter personally?

 I would think, 'that's terrible,' or 'I wish someone would do something,' and then go on my merry way. I would maybe give change to a bell ringer outside of a store, or a can of food in a donation box, but only if it was convenient. Yet, if something happened to someone I knew, whatever situation suddenly becomes much more personal. Emotions are such a complex thing to try to understand. Especially when decisions are made based on emotions.

Whatever happens to Dolores isn't something I feel like I should decide. It's something that deals with Steph, so I'll leave whatever happens to her. This whole fucking thing just adds another hash mark on my hypocrisy count. Why the fuck couldn't Dolores' background just be black or white? Fuck this grayscale shit.  

Steph locked eyes with Dolores and stood up. She walked over to her, and Dolores closed her eyes, seemingly accepting whatever verbal or physical response Steph had in store for her. 

I doubt Dolores was expecting Steph to bend down and hug her.

Dolores' eyes opened wide as Steph softly spoke to her. "I forgive you, Dolores. For what you did in your past, I forgive you. That doesn't change the fact that I think your life matters. The you sitting here, taking a step forward, matters. I want you to live, Dolores."

Steph released the stunned woman and looked at me. She nodded to me, and left the room.

Well. That happened. Now then, where to go from here?

Thankfully, Alienor was here. After a minute of silence, she was next to speak up. "Dolores, thank you for sharing your story with us. Your feelings are understandable. May I ask you a question? Do you want to die, or is it that you think that your death is the only way to make up for your past actions?"

"I… I think it's the best way," Dolores said, head lowered.

"So it's not that you want to die, but that you want to make up for your past," Alienor said. "How were you feeling when you tried to take your life?"

"I-I… I was scared. I was so frightened and felt so empty…"

"Then do you want to die?" she asked again.

Dolores looked at Alienor with watering eyes. "No… I don't want to die… But what else can I do?"

Alienor smiled brightly upon hearing that. "That's wonderful, Dolores! None of us want you to die, either. We want to see you live. It's so great that you don't want to die. As for what you can do, you're making a huge first step right now by talking to us, and we're proud of you for it.

"It isn't easy talking about ourselves or our mistakes. You're doing a great job. Along with that, A big thing you can do is to come talk to me or any other Priest or Priestess of Balance whenever you begin to have those types of thoughts. We are always available, and would always like to talk to you.

"I think that it's wonderful that Steph forgave you, but more importantly, I would like you to one day forgive yourself. I know that's not going to be easy, but I believe in you, and will help you however I can for you to one day get to that point."

Alienor looked at me. "If I'm not mistaken, I believe that Lia may have something to add."

This… This woman is sharp. As whacky as Alienor is, she didn't become a head priestess for nothing. This is a completely different side of her that I've never seen. She went fully psychologist mode, leading questions and all. Well, about the only person I feel like Dolores could be a danger to right now is herself. Might as well move this along.

I looked at Dolores. "Alienor is correct. Dolores, I would like you to work for me. While here in Midnight, I would like you to work as a secretary or assistant for me. You would live here in the castle, and help me manage affairs along with Marquis Whitewater. In the near future, I will have a lot of people to screen, and could really use your help.

"Additionally, I would like your assistance with the network you mentioned. If you are able to give me a list of names and possible locations for anyone involved in that network, I can make sure they pay for their crimes. None of this will help you to forgive yourself, but together we can make sure that others are no longer hurt by the perpetrators.

I stood up. "I will leave you with Alienor, but would like you to consider my offer. Thank you for coming to Midnight, and I hope to work with you for a long time."

I left the room, leaving the stunned woman and the dwarven priestess to continue their session. I think Alienor can work with her a lot more effectively than I can, and I don't really feel like getting dragged into this mess more than I already am. Let's leave things to professionals.

That didn't go exactly the way I thought, but life seldom does. Should she be punished for what she did? Should I be, for what I've done and will do? Does it even fucking matter in the end? What fucked up situations. 

Screw it. I'll just continue doing whatever the fuck I think is best at the time. I mean, the saying 'only God can judge me' is pretty fucking literal for my life here.

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