Chapter 41: ——~(37)~——

"In the absence of information,

we jump to the worst conclusions."

-Myra Kassim

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In a perfect world, the morally dubious villain would be defeated in a hard but satisfying manner with no casualties on either side. Bonus points if the villain and the good guys have an ever-escalating fight of ideologies. In that same world, the villain will inevitably realize the flaws of his or her worldview. Perhaps they would even join the 'good guys' when it was all said and done. All their sins would be forgiven with little to no fuss, and the world would move on to the next thing that captured its attention.

Unfortunately for Deku, his world wasn't a perfect one. There were no charismatic, talented speakers on hand who could spell out the truth of the universe as easily as making a PB & J for lunch. Well, even if there just so happened to someone gifted in the art of speech, the situation was incredibly complex. Even they would have likely been at a loss for words. 

(Because in this world, humans are the bipolar, wishy-washy, vaguely righteous (or vaguely evil) little shits that they actually are.)

In any case, what are the talk-no-jutsu masters supposed to do when the villain admits that they aren't sure? When they regret their actions but don't change anyway? Just what are they supposed to say to a pathetic boy who hangs onto the thin wire of villainy with all the desperation of a drowning man? (That's right; there is no easy answer to the question, or even a completely right one, for that matter. There is only hardship, effort, and a hint of 'Please... Please feel better. I-... I don't know how to completely fix it... But, I promise you I'm trying-!'.)

Or perhaps the better metaphor would be a gambling addict. A gambler who freely lost all of his chips - chips like the future, morality, and sanity - all in the hope of taking away the chips that his hated foes guarded so zealously.

Except that gambler realized something oh so important half-way through the game. He realized the importance of those chips, but perhaps more importantly, he realized that giving up those chips hurt other people. Sometimes it killed them. The gambler had known the possibility of this from the beginning, but he didn't realize how much he cared about it until it was far too late. Yet the gambler wouldn't stop.

You see, this gambler was incredibly indecisive. 

He convinced himself with words like 'It's too late to turn back', and 'I'll be killed if I stop; I have to avenge her', but in truth, the gambler was just... scared. And indecisive, and confused, and so, so many other things. (Would people still want anything to do with him? At least, if he continued on his current path then... Then what? He didn't know. Nothing made sense-!)

Most of all, he didn't know the worth of his enemies' chips; perhaps they would fill this void in his soul, the inescapable bitterness that plagued his heart? Perhaps... Just maybe, he could be happy. It sounded nice. He hadn't experienced happiness for a long time still.

(The gambler knew he didn't deserve it, but emotions have never been bound by rationality. He'd been suffering ever since he got them back, he couldn't help wanting more. More than endless amounts of guilt and self-loathing. Once upon a time, it had been his only wish, but he knew better now; it wasn't a need for survival. So he couldn't justify other people's suffering to gain such a thing. But alas, he yearned-)

He just didn't know. He couldn't understand what he truly wanted and what made him happy. As a result of his stumbling about, he had permanently ended not only people's happiness but their very life itself. He didn't know what that meant either. He assumed that it meant that he was a sinner-evildoer-monster of the highest degree (in fact, he swore on it), but deep down, he truly did not know.

What was a human who killed another human, at the end of the day?

He knew what it was, or at least, the past him did. But the gambler had been wrong before, so what was stopping everything else from being wrong?

He didn't rikai. (He knew the word understand in another language, but that wasn't what he was looking for either.)

What it was, was that he didn't understand anything that truly mattered. That was the root of his problems. For all his knowledge and intelligence, his skill at reading the hearts of man, his own life perplexed and baffled him.

(Maybe that was the reason he wanted to end it, beyond all of the trauma, guilt, and tragedy. Not knowing was incredibly scary, after all. He liked to pretend he knew exactly what it was, the one thing that started it all, but all he was doing was pretending. Masquerading around like a clown. He was good at that. That he knew. He didn't know the other things. He needed to know those things.

Maybe that was a good place to start? Did it even matter?)

...

The gambler was a fragile, shattered in some areas, wreck. He was indecisive, selfish, scared, and confused down at the depths of his being. He was also kind to a fault, (selectively) altruistic, just the right amount of laidback, true to his promises, fairly calm, and helpful (for people who deserved it). In truth, the gambler didn't need that many words to describe him...

He only needed one.

Human.

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Deku felt slightly refreshed. It was liberating to admit that he didn't know something for once in his life. Of course, there was a bittersweet taste to the feeling because he did not know and that was incredibly irritating, but he knew better to dwell on things in the middle of enemy territory while also holding onto a hostage. Besides, he had only gotten to the bittersweet level; he had gone far deeper into the damaged, contradictory mess that was his psyche. There were areas specifically dedicated to guilt, the sheer waste of space he was, his stupidity, etc.

All while doubting the truth of everything... Huh, he was impressive.

(In truth, were it not for his gift to just turn his brain off, and ignore all his ghosts, Izuku Midoriya probably would have succumbed to despair a long, long time ago. Although the only reason he bothers is because of All for One, and potentially Bakugo & All Might...)

He felt his bright mood burn even brighter when he saw the smoky plums of Kurogiri's quirk. He felt like his luck was turning around; he had faced Eraserhead, the top 1 & 2 respectively, as well as the image of victory himself, and only had a dislocated ankle to show for it. Even that was purposefully inflicted by himself.

His eyebrows furrowed slightly as Kurogiri entirely formed. His suit was a mess, the total mass of his fog had decreased substantially, and he was out of breath. Even his eyes had dimmed to a lighter shade as if to demonstrate the sheer extent of his exhaustion. Regardless, he appeared ready to fight, only to slowly relax his stance.

"I must say, I expected to have to help you fight your enemies, but you have proven that unnecessary. I see that you have managed to get a hostage, but how did you make them just obediently wait in place? Usually, that's not enough to stop heroes and their absurd sense of justice..."

"Ah, well..."

Kurogiri lightly nodded to himself as if he had gotten the answer.

"It was one of your stalling tactics, wasn't it?"

'Kurogiri... We'll have to have a talk later about telling the world my methods...'

He didn't move, but he could still envision the shocked faces of the kids.

"Hey, Red! Just because I was, admittedly, giving you guys advice because it took Kuro a long time to get here doesn't mean that I was lying. Everything I told you was true. I just so happen to heavily enjoy the 'two birds with one stone' concept. On that note, you're free-"

Kurogiri's words came true like a self-fulfilling prophecy. He just forgot one little detail- the kids weren't exactly heroes yet. On the other hand, there was one individual that might not have the most developed sense of self-preservation, but he was definitely gushing to the brim with justice. Or more accurately, protecting his students from whatever danger he perceived them to be in.

He couldn't help but feel a growing surge of irritation as Aizawa's white rope-scarf thing wrapped around the hand he was carrying his gun with, and squeezed, forcing him to release it. He couldn't even dislocate it or wriggle out of the incredibly tight wrap. That is if he didn't release his other arm from Urakaka's side. (Even then he wasn't sure he could make it work). It was true that he was going to do that regardless, but this way was irritating.

He let go of her, all while waving off her uncertain stare. She slowly returned to Aizawa's hunched over form, ignoring his orders for her to speed up. He was more preoccupied with the wrap around his hand. It was abnormally sticky; he couldn't unravel it or get it off. He had already thought about dislocating it, only to forgo the notion. The rope-scarf was aimed so perfectly that dislocating it wouldn't even do anything. He let out what was probably his thousandth sigh this day alone, before letting his more serious side to the surface.

"You know, heroes and your absurd sense of justice have been irritating me for a while now. You people can't just wait for me to safely return her, can you?" He lightly waved his hidden weapons, noting with a slight sense of glee as Aizawa's face paled even further. "I could have easily killed her in that little exchange if I ever so desired. Well, I don't kill kids, but who trusts a villain? I honestly wouldn't either, Eraserhead, considering some guys' promises are little more than trash... Although I wish you'd adapt to the individual in question."

He tugged at the wrap around his arm, still dissatisfied, before pulling out all the weapons on his person.

"So, I'm still armed, and my good ol' buddy is here now. You're little more than a walking corpse. Do you really want to fight me?"

AN: Ughh, writing is tiring. I don't even feel like writing an author note for once. Summarization mode: the first part was one giant big metaphor, there's more to Aizawa's actions than just a sense of absurd justice, and I thought I would be finished this chapter, but nooo... I have to make my life really hard and write more than strictly necessary.

Anyway, hit those hearts and comment on your thoughts! Peace out~

 

 

 

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