Chapter 13: Chapter 13: Leaving a Mark

Verse

"What are we here for?" I voiced a thought not fully formed.

"Silk." Whisper said, looking over her shoulder at me.

"No. I mean, here. At Orbital Hall?" I gestured broadly at the hall leading to her room, unsure what words I needed to give my thoughts the proper shape. "Sorry, I'm struggling to put it into words."

"There's no rush to figure everything out." She rested a hand on the door to her room.

"I'm not so sure about that."

"Hey, Verse?"

I met Whisper's gaze. She wasn't here to dismiss my concerns or make light of my inability to grasp the basics from nothing.

"I'm sorry. For not wanting to talk about Verity earlier. Even if you share origins, sharing dreams together is a very personal experience. What I will say, is that I don't think she wants you to become like her.

"I know that. There are spots where I am certain our memory isn't quite shared."

"You would probably know better, but if Amari were here I think she'd say the same about her and her sisters. The part of their soul they shared is yours now. It connects you to them, but it's not binding unless you both work towards making it so."

"I'm not entitled to what's going on with Verity or anyone else. I just," I found myself pulling at strings until my fingers were clenched into fists. "When you come apart at the seams and see others, friends, look like how I've felt I-... I can't stand idly by."

Whisper looked like she wanted to interrupt. Instead she gave me the time to find the right words.

"And while this body is still a Blank, it feels easy to discard and replace. That's not good for me in the long run. I figured that much out myself. Lady Night just gave me nudges when I got stuck or could not find the right words."

"Oh, good. That saves us from having to warn you not to explode any bodies of yours in the future." Whisper breathed a sign of relief. "I'm glad that Lady Night has been helping you reflect." The smile she wore was warm enough to tint the area around her mandibles a few shades darker.

"I never asked, but does she help everyone like this?"

Whisper shook her head. "I suspect Amari was disappointed to find you heeded the call of Lady Night and not the Solar."

"There are others?"

"Outsiders, Patrons, yes. To put it in terminology that you could follow up with a book or instructor, their influence is more like an Accent."

"I appreciate it. Sometimes the basics feel like too much to bother an instructor with, and I still don't know any of them besides Chorus."

"That is something that will solve itself. In the meantime you will find that Lady Night's offerings are most often appreciated by those who withdraw from the world."

"Oh." That suggested things about me to everyone who knew how and why entities like Lady Night offered their attention and support. Did that influence the willingness of Amari and Whisper to act on my behalf? Did they see things in me? No. They were my friends. I needed to abandon this line of thought before I arrived at uncomfortable conclusions.

Although if one's Accent was easily discernible information, it might be safe to ask where others stood. "What about, um Ruin?"

Whisper shook her head more firmly this time. "No. But I can give you advice on how to broach the topic with her."

I nodded, she continued.

"No matter how openly she may bear her scars, I would suggest being gentle and unassuming when you ask. And be patient. She'll answer when she's ready. Most likely in private."

I blinked back my lack of understanding. Be unassuming, Verse. "Why wait until no one else is around?"

"I don't know Ruin's story, but I suspect the tale she'd tell in private will differ from one she would give otherwise. Assuming she feels comfortable around you." The look Whisper gave left no room for doubt, but she wouldn't say it.

"I'll keep that in mind before deciding if it is even appropriate."

Whisper nodded and opened the door to her room.

I had been carried between the threshold of the waking world and domain of dreams before. This was like that. Being pulled into Whisper's room felt like being drawn another world.

There had always been a feeling of being smothered while I was inside the Orbital Hall. It took seeing Whisper's space to realize why; most spaces were empty, artificial constructions without decoration. I was not satisfied with an empty canvas, whether it came in the form of a nondescript body or an empty space.

Whisper's room was a place that hundreds of hands had touched. Dozens of them could be seen skittering about the place. In varying sizes, shapes, colors, and configurations of limbs and wings. But they were all of them small.

Helping Whisper meant navigating a delicate series of interconnected chambers that each supported entire colonies of tiny entities. Each chamber had its own distinct decor, methods of traversal, and environmental adjustments. One chamber was lined with insulating materials. Another demanded Whisper and I tip toe over a delicate arrangement of mirrors that guided light toward an unseen chamber.

The Orbital Hall handed Whisper an empty room. She and her many insects turned it into a home for hundreds of tiny individuals who were visibly going about their day. It inspired a lot of feelings. Suddenly the possibilities for what I could do with my life and time here had tangible examples that I could reach out and touch.

"Whisper, I know we're all supposed to be going to the Halls of Creation together."

It was not just Whisper who responded to my words.

Dozens of red eyes found me in the dimly lit chamber. They were everywhere, nestled in thread-covered walls, dangling from an amber glow-stones affixed to the ceiling, or peeking out of tunnels.

They came in many configurations. And I was intruding upon the home that they had made with Whisper.

"Can my friend here get some space?"

They scurried away into the darkness, but the feeling they left was slow to pass. I did my best to push it down.

I couldn't just call them bugs, insects, or drones. I settled on referring to them all as Little Ones for now until I could regain my composure and interact with any of the hundreds of Little Ones crawling and fluttering about just out of sight. "Thank you."

"Are you okay? You um, looked like you wanted to jump out of your own skin."

I chewed on my lip. "I. Kinda did."

"Sorry, I probably should have warned you about the Hive's many denizens. They can be a lot for some people."

"What are they to you?"

"My sense of obligation and most sworn of burdens."

"I'm sensing a lot of history in those words."

"Mmm." Not a topic she was willing to explore, got it. "Their needs are rather singular and clearly defined. I handle what they cannot."

"And in return?"

Whisper sighed. "You make this relationship sound transactional. No, I shoulder this burden so that they can stay free to engage with the world on their terms. Like delivering bundles of silk in quantities that would be difficult to find out in the world."

"So I could just ask you for silk clothes?"

"For you Verse, I'd be willing to oversee the project myself. Gifts require a personal touch."

My smile beamed. It helped me overcome the nervousness of my question. "Actually, I was hoping to ask if it would be possible to have a head of hair made for me."

"Oh! That could be arranged."

"Really? I mean, if it is not too much trouble?"

"Verse, I share a room with an army of little thread spinners. It is no trouble at all. I actually have a few you can try on. And a private space, if you need it."

Whisper's personal chamber contained an arrangement of mirrors behind a curtain. About a fourth of the room was a space that was entirely hers. The rest made up six hives under varying degrees of construction.

The Little Ones mostly left Whisper alone whenever she retired to her division of the room. Anything sized for Whisper or I was typically left alone; too big to move without great effort on their part. I retreated to the guarantee of privacy behind the curtain. 

Whisper stepped away to catch up on and discuss the most pressing responsibilities to the Little Ones. I was assured that they would be too busy gathering and organizing the silk to be donated to Orbital Hall's other students.

Instead I was left alone to marvel at the many suits of armor and spare arms built for purposes I could only guess at. Whisper had set out a dozen wigs to try, taking some arms and armor on her way out.

A reconfiguration for her.

An exploration for me.

I turned to the mirror. It was my Turn to decide and define something about myself, finally free of any outside influence.

I wish I could put one of them on and instantly know what was right for me, but things didn't always work out that way. This did nothing to change the simple fact that I wanted hair enough to get permission to put my heart into the task. After several rounds of weighing my options, I found myself warmly alternating between a pair that conjured up a creeping feeling of joy that could not be contained. I found myself making a high pitched enough noise that Whisper had to come in and check on me before leaving with a knowing smile.

Everyone here had already seen me at my worst. Whisper more so than anyone. To hear her giggling over my explorations was like a weight off my shoulders. I could do this. I felt free enough to look however I wanted.

When I turned my attention back to the mirror, a girl who seemed comfortable in her skin and with the support of her friends looked back. I wore a sense of ease and cuteness that had not been there before. It was with satisfaction that I admired my work by running my hands through the final result. The length of silken strands grew longer as they fell from one side of my head to another. A rather simple effect, sure, but one that felt right to cut in the way I had.

Whisper waited for me to call out that I was finished before taking her turn in front of the mirror. She had gone from two arms to four, the new addition sporting white gloved hands more suited to general use than the needle-like ones. Seeing Whisper wearing anything that wasn't black was a welcome change. Her red skirt was mesmerizing to watch sway with her movements. This was paired with a hand-spun white button up with sleeves that supported all four of her arms.

"I feel like a white shirt is going to get messy in whatever The Chorus had in plan for their lesson."

"Good. I haven't gone to the effort of dyeing this top yet. White just isn't my color. Soooo, how's the hair treating you?"

"I love it. Although I kinda wish it didn't fall off my head so easily."

"Oh don't worry! That's an easy fix." She reached for a drawer, pulling out what looked like a small webbing that slid into the wig.

When next I put it on, it was almost indistinguishable from the hair itself, since it was all largely the same material as far as I could tell. This webbing was just, sticky.

"It's not too icky?"

"It's, um, perfect."

"I'm glad. You up to gathering the silk now?"

"Yeah. I'm ready." I wasn't lying. Something slid into place. I felt more me than I did a few minutes ago. Somehow that made all the difference in the world.

 

***

 

"Are you responsible for all this? All of them?" Whisper had said she would only attend Orbital Hall as a student. Was it because she had other responsibilities?

Whisper crossed her arms and tapped one of her needle-like fingers against a plate that ran along her arm. Another set of plates, a different configuration sized for her, sat in the corner of the current chamber. "Sometimes I really wish this was not the case. But I was born for this and I'm good at it." Whisper turned to give me a side-long glance. "Even were it not the case, there is no one else."

"Can I ask what separates the, Little Ones from you?" I caught a pair of the Little Ones turn to make eye contact, as if they recognized themselves as such. I offered them a smile, and they exchanged an excited series of buzzes before continuing about gather silk for us.

"They understand you. One thing we share is a certain shyness. To answer your question though, only a Knight or Queen need be of a comparable size to engage with the rest of the world on even footing."

"So," It took me a moment to find the words. "You choose this?"

Whisper looked away. "No one picked up the armor or mantle. I did not want to see my kind hide away from the world. Now they go where their Queen does."

"But you're no Queen." That much I could say confidently.

A click of mandibles. "No. Never."

I turned away, in part to cast my voice anywhere else. "I see."

When Whisper joined my side, she pressed a bundle of silk into my hands.

We worked in silence to gather the rest. The Little Ones brought Whisper what she had come for without a verbal exchange between them. The work of hundreds felt so light in the hand, but weighed heavily on me in ways I struggled to articulate.

"Some things needed to be broken." Whisper said with the start, only after the door to her room had shut behind us. I let the words hang in the air, not sure if they were meant for me or to serve as a self-affirmations. Whisper seemed unsure herself.

"Sometimes we won't let ourselves have what we need." Neither the thought or words felt like mine.

Whisper smiled. It was a forced thing.

I could understand pretending and being perceived to be something I was not.

There was so much more at play than what she wanted.

Hundreds of tiny lives of no less significance than her or mine, with only Whisper to fill the void left behind by several Queens.

It only occurred to me now that even the role of Knight could have been thrust upon her.

Was the armor hers? Or did she grow to fill the need?

 

***

 

Orbital Hell suddenly felt so empty.

White walls. Empty canvases.

Other students passed us in the halls.

Most seemed comfortable in clay bodies with one or two identifying features at most; a tail here, extra attentive ears there.

Some wore clothing, but the ones we past kept it simple.

Whenever I did not know what to say or think, I found myself nervously playing with my hair.

Eventually Whisper caught on, catching my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You doing okay?" She asked.

"Yeah. Just trying not to solve everything at once, or feel like I'm not doing enough."

"I want to assure you that you're doing fine, but maybe I should be asking what fine means to you?"

It did not take long for me to respond. I had been putting some thought into it. "I want more clothes, and at least one other thing. Not sure what. I guessed I would figure it out once I see the Halls of Creation. The way Amari talked it up, I imagined I'd just get swept away and come away with something."

"Okay. The good news is that's actually very doable." Whisper's hand squeezed mine again. "We're almost there. You gonna be okay being around a lot of people?"

"It's easier having you here. I guess I'm still getting used to being out here in a different body. Not being alone helps."

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"You know, there are solutions for that. A pet, familiar, or forming a bond."

"I've read about the familiars at least. They're like wild Aspects that act on their own, right?"

"Okay, this might be a tiny breach of trust, if Verity had not discarded entire parts of herself, you'd be an extension of her. Pull apart and imbue enough of yourself that it is no longer yours, and you get a whole new entity."

"What about bonds?"

Whisper replied with an innocent smile. Her cheeks darkened again.

"I should ask Amari or Ruin then."

I was so focused on my discussion with Whisper that I missed our arrival at the Halls of Creation.

"Did somebody say my name?" Ruin said from the far end of a hallway, a tray of food in hand.

A number of entrances intersected in this one expansive chamber that seemed to be dedicated to places to cook, partake in, and enjoy food.

"Whisper! What have you done with Verse?"

"Ruin!" I called.

"Who is this cutie?" Ruin's words made my cheeks feel warm. Not a new experience, largely in part to Amari. It had not happened to me in front of a mirror, but was this what happened when Whisper got flushed?

"I, uh, was given an opportunity to try out some hair."

"Knowing Whisper, it is probably the silky smooth variety."

"Yeah. I um, really wanted something soft," I admitted.

"Hey," Ruin placed her free hand on my shoulder.

I looked up and into her deep sea green eyes.

"There's no wrong choice when it comes to defining yourself. You can always change your mind, right Whisper?"

"Um. I'm not sure how much my experience applies."

"You change bodies like most people change clothes."

"Well, yes, but-" Whisper gave me a pleading look.

"Actually, Ruin. My own clothes are something I was hoping to change with this trip. Amari has been really sweet, but I was hoping to add some variety that felt more, well, me."

"Right, well, we're gonna want to have our hands free. So, let me take the silk off your hands. You two can finish off these fine strips of Drake-spiced Briar Beast, courtesy of Solar's Stakes. If you're ever looking for something with a bite, I can't recommend their cooking enough."

Ruin had gestured over her shoulder, but there was a sea of tables, chairs, students, and places where food was being prepared and distributed that stretched in every direction. It would've been overwhelming had the size of the chamber not been so liberating. More than a few winged students passed by overhead.

My heart threatened to cut free of my chest of its own accord. A part of me wanted to be up there with them. Curious, that it was the part given to me by Amari. Was it really hers anymore?

Bright colored signs, table mats, and open flames painted a bright picture. There were just as many competing aromas, and snippets of discussion. I quickly learned that every piece of food had a name, but there were varied approaches to cook, spice, and serve each one that I was starting to regret being in a hurry to move on from this chamber.

Now that I stopped to appreciate it, there wasn't a single station not dedicated to the procurement, exchanging, and preparation of food.

"Wait," I said, tugging at Ruin's arm. "Is this the Hall of Food Creation, specifically? There are more?"

Ruin's grin spread from ear to ear. Her her excitement  was easy to share in. "For as many people as there are in this world, Orbital Hall would see their creations represented here."

Verity had wanted to see the world.

Here it was, brought to Orbital Hall by the many people who flocked to it as it roamed from town to town, helping where it was needed and giving shelter to those without.

Orbital Hall suddenly didn't feel so empty. I just had not seen enough to appreciate what an empty canvas and willingness to share everything it had could create.

I popped the spiced ball of meat into my mouth. Whisper did the same, before turning as red as her eyes.

No, it wasn't just her. The whole world was suddenly ablaze. I felt like I could breathe fire if I wanted to.

So I did.

People cheered as flames spewed from my lungs and into the air above.

"Another happy customer!" Shouted a crimson scaled lizard bigger than Ruin with a booming voice to match. 

I looked down at Whisper, who blinked at me before forcing the meat down her throat. It did not take long for her to regain her composure, but I could tell by the way Ruin steered her by the shoulder that the effects lasted if not discharged in a fiery display.

"What was that?" I asked Ruin, who took me by the shoulder and began to steer us away.

"Culinary art." She said with a grin.

Behind us, the lizard bid farewell. "Don't be a stranger Ruin! Bring your friends next time you want to sample my meat!"

People laughed and jeered. Other students lined up to have what I had.

Turns out breathing fire in public is a great way to be noticed. Amari found us really quickly after that. Not the Amari we intended to meet up with, but one who also had errands to attend to and a stated willingness to keep an eye out for us.

Apparently, Citrine could not decide where to take us and had spent this time dashing between her favorite stores in order to make the best possible recommendations.

Ruin nudged against my arm. "And this is where we'll leave you. Whisper and I have deliveries to sort out, which are much less interesting. Although if you all finish early, Amari should know where to find us."

Citrine Amari slid her fingers between mine. The plucking of my strings by another felt good enough that it took me a moment to regain control of my senses.

"The same goes for you two." Citrine replied in my stead. I nodded in agreement.

Whisper rolled her eyes, all of them. "I've kept Verse tied up in my room long enough. I for one am happy to be rid of her."

Ruin and I traded searching looks between the group. Verse and Citrine just smiled, conspiratorially I suspected.

"I asked only that you return Verse in one piece this time." Citrine said with a laugh before turning to lock eyes with me. "You've done that and more it seems."

Ruin cut in. "Yeah. I really like the hair. It suits you." Between the four of us, Ruin's was the shortest by far.

Mine hung just shy of reaching the shoulders at its longest point. Amari and Whisper's hair trailed down well past their shoulders.

"Thank you. I'll see you two soon?"

"I'd like that." Ruin said.

I waved them off and allowed Citrine to lead me away into the world of Flesh and Metal Smiths, with clothing being something of a newer and smaller establishment by comparison. "She likes you, you know."

"I know." I said, squeezing Citrine's hand gently. "On some level, I know. Around you and Ruin I want to be my best self. It's kinda why I asked Whisper for the opportunity to find a way to express myself in private, even though I know we all wanted to come here together."

"That's wonderful to hear. A part of me wondered if I was being to pushy."

"I don't think so. I want to be here. I chose this."

"It really is so good to so see and hear you going out of your way to define yourself. I guess I should be asking you what you're looking for in clothing."

"About that." My eyes wandered away from the clothes and to the stands supporting various works of metal and stone. "I know Ruin was tired of hiding her scars and wanted to do away with her armor. But she took lightning bolts in my stead."

She did not even entertain the notion of trying to talk me out of it. Instead she walked me through the process of getting fitted and how to commission something.

I let out a long contented sigh after being allowed to try on a few pieces made available to give wearers a feel for the weight of various types and materials most commonly involved. "It's not just about feeling safe for me, I think. If I am ever going to fight again, it is because I want to shield others from harm."

Citrine helped me both don and remove straps that held the armored plating in place. "Remind me to introduce you to another Guardian or two. I think you'd find the sentiment common among them."

"I know it's probably not what you want to hear."

She shook her head before gently pressing a finger to my lips. "I am going to stop you right there. What you want comes first. If your goal is to become a Guardian in defense of this school or a settlement that needs it, I am only going to tell you that it is an admirable one. As your friend, I'm going to support you. Anything more than that, we can figure out as we go." She withdrew her finger with a soft smile.

"Citrine, I don't know what to say."

"That I'm the prettiest fox you've ever seen." Her smile did not distract from the balled fists in her lap.

"That goes without saying." I withdrew my hand from a gauntlet and set it aside so that I could wrap my fingers around her hand. "I haven't had hair of my own for a full day and already I'm envious of how good yours looks."

A swish of her tail. I was on the right track.

"Look, I know I've been trying and failing dramatically to piece myself together. But just because I've turned this clothes shopping trip into getting your assistance in picking out armor doesn't mean I'm about to keep leaving you behind to chase Storms."

A little tension escaped her shoulders.

"You are not your sisters. And I am not Verity."

Citrine very suddenly stiffened.

"I won't let the Storms take me. Nor will I ever let the Pale Wood get a hold of you ever again. I can't make you feel safe in your own skin, or promise I'm not gonna fall apart in your arms again. But I can assure you that I see you, and think I know what you're going through."

We leaned against one another for a little while.

"When did you figure it out?"

"When I was with Whisper, actually. She was trying to explain Bonds and Familiars. I haven't met any familiars, but I know enough about Stormfolk to know now that their idea of reproduction is just producing more of themselves. And, well, one of the first things you said to me as that you were Amari. Like your mother before you, and she before her. You also seemed kinda sensitive to a lot of what I was going through without me needing to explain it. Actually some of that might have been Marigold."

She finally released her fists with a sigh. "I'm not sure if my sisters think it's a good idea that we interact. Normally we try to maintain a consensus, but that was out of fear we were still playing by the Pale Forest's rules."

"What do you want?"

"To make my own mistakes for once."

"Surely you deserve more credit than that. Do we need to get you sized for some armor too?"

Finally, some tears and laughter coxed out of my aloof Citrine. "No, I don't think that will be necessary."

"And why is that?"

"Because, I've a choice between two armored knights now."

"Have you told Ruin about this? I feel like she was quick to abandon her armor."

"You should probably go fetch her."

"Just me?"

"I know where Ruin and I stand. While I would like toe be able to keep the two of you close. I think I need to give you enough time and space to get to know each other."

"How very mysterious." I said, which got a playful smirk and brush of the fluffy fox tail of hers in reply as she rose to her feet.

"Bonds are not complicated, but they are very delicate. It's good to know whether you want to keep them private or open up front, to minimize hurt feelings later."

"I think I understand."

"Good. Now away with you. I still need to track down a replacement hair ornament for you."

 

***

 

It did not take long to find Ruin. She stood a few heads taller than most. Her preference for a blue skinned aquatic form also helped her stand out.

Apparently the order she had come to pick up was a vanity set and makeup. All of this was new to me, but it was easy to understand the appeal. Orders placed in advance had a tendency to await pick up in side rooms. It was only after we were away from the crowds that I worked up the courage to ask her for a demonstration.

Ruin, for her part, seemed eager to oblige.

It was not until I found myself laying underneath Ruin as her steady hand applied some color to my face that some of my feelings finally made sense to me.

I was not uncomfortable being seen. I wanted to be known and remembered as Verse, not what came before. Maybe there was truth to other variations of the thoughts turning through my head, but this is the one that I wanted to imbue with meaning and act upon as if it were my truth.

"Don't blink." Ruin said, pulling out a fine tipped instrument.

"I don't know if I can." I a little too busy losing myself in the depths of Ruin's eyes.

Her expression softened for a moment before focusing intently on applying liner around my eyes. Seeing an array of intensity in how Ruin committed to everything she did had honestly lit a fire in me. I wanted to take all that energy I once channeled into being angry and mimic her passion.

Ruin carried me through the worst of what I could not do alone. When I wanted to make something of myself, again she whisked me off my feet and shared in my desire to remake myself. I finally had a taste of being seen as someone I wanted to be.

I blinked.

"Um, wait, was that it?"

"I," Ruin let go of the breath she had been holding. "Finished a while ago."

"Oh."

"Yeah." She leaned back, chewing at her lower lip. The purple she had applied on herself between our last meeting looked good on her. "How'd I do?"

I took the mirror that was offered and pressed my lips together. Sky blue lips did things for me, the sort of things wielding electricity once had a lifetime ago. It took me a few moments, but I decided the hint of lilac around my eyes was a nice touch. I was uncertain whether or not I could have picked a better color. Something warm would've likely made for a stronger contrast, but cooler colors were the ones that called to me.

"I wouldn't change a thing. Although, I'd be lying if I did not admit I wanted you to teach me."

"For you Verse? I would make the time if I had to."

By the time Ruin and I finished packing up the vanity set to rejoin the others, the colors of our lips were a perfect match.