Chapter 6: Interlude : Desires of the princess

From the moment I was born, my fate was decided, maybe even my birth was also nothing but a calculated plan.

That was how I felt at the age I could have my own consciousness.

My life's purpose was to marry the future pope to be and form a bond between the kingdom and the church state. The purpose of such a relation is to unite the human continent to fight against the demon invasion envisioned by the church.

Thus giving myself up for the greater good of humanity was the matter of fact thing to do. And thus I played my role as a lamb perfectly, molding myself into a doll that everyone looked up to and spoke fondly of.

The first princess is kinder than anyone

The first princess is more empathetic than anyone

The first princess is more humble than anyone

And the first princess is purer than anyone.

Being looked upon as the holier than god existence, my insides twisted with agony.

After all, what I showed outside was nothing like how I felt inside.

The first root of my hatred toward the royalty steeped in when I secretly escaped the castle to look at the outside world without any supervision of an adult.

Outside I saw a person cleaning people's shoes, looking at his rugged clothes and barbaric appearance it was easy to assume that the guy was not under the best living conditions.

He was struggling, working his hardest and still, it amounted to nothing, he was still poor in the end. 

Such cruel reality was sure made aware to him, but there was just one thing about him that shook me to my entire core.

The man was laughing.

He was smiling.

How could he, a person subjected to way worse living conditions than me, a person who has no luxury in life compared to me, how could such a person be happier than me?

How could he laugh so genuinely?

Why was his smile more authentic than mine?

Such questions made me tremble in despair.

Was it because he was doing something he enjoyed? There was no way he actually liked cleaning others' shoes and getting close to nothing from it.

"Why is he happier than me?"

That's the question I pondered for the next couple of months.

I kept thinking and thinking but no answer came to my mind. Was he simply just insane? but that answer didn't seem right.

Every day I delved deep into thought, thinking of a solution to this question when suddenly on the third month the answer appeared to me.

"hahaha...so it was this simple?"

The solution was so simple that it made me question my intelligence. Was I really that dumb?

The reason for his happiness was easy

"He was free"

The person lived in poverty but he had his own thoughts, nobody told him what to think.

He was forced to clean others' shoes due to the king's awful rule, but he didn't let that mold his personality.

He was his own person.

Compared to that, I was nothing but a husk of a person.

Nothing about me was authentic.

Not a single word I spoke was truly meant from my heart.

Not a single feeling I had was genuine.

Everything was just manufactured to fit the need of those around me.

Thus it was easy to guess why I never once felt happy in my life.

Why I never laughed out of my own violation.

Thus a seed of hatred took its root inside my body.

I wanted to be free, I wanted to one day be able to laugh and smile just like him.

The selfishness of my thoughts was very clear to me. This continent was dependent on me for unification, but was I really that important?

If they just want to set ties between the kingdom and the church then why not make one of my sisters the lamb? 

Why should I sacrifice myself for the good of others?

If one of my sisters is so patriotic as they claim to be towards the king, then why don't they volunteer themselves to marry the next pope?

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And thus years went by and my dissatisfaction with my life grew immensely.

The feeling reached its peak the year I turned 20. Next year was the planned marriage between me and the next pope, also 4 months from now would be our engagement.

If I was going to do something, it had to be now. I couldn't wait any longer to escape this suffocating castle, I felt that I rather commit the sin of suicide the very next day rather than stay trapped here any longer.

Thus I escaped.

...

...

...

[ughhh...]

I rub my eyes as I get up from the bed. Today I had a strange dream about my past, I look right and see a black hair woman snoring loudly.

A strange feeling wells up inside me.

I look left and witness myself inside the long mirror.

The mirror reflected my face, seeing which a sudden shock shook my body.

I was smiling.

In the reflection shown to me, I was smiling.

So this strange feeling I am having, this is happiness.

Quickly I rushed to the washroom of the inn we were staying at for a week. I lock myself inside one of the cabinets and take a deep breath.

[fuuuuuuuhaaaaahhhhhh.....]

I look up towards the ceiling and close my eyes softly

This feeling, these emotions swirling inside my body right now, I didn't want to lose them.

I wanted to protect this feeling with all of my might.

Now that I had a small taste of it, I wanted more, I felt myself getting addicted to it.

Rosa's face suddenly pops into my mind.

When I first talked to her, I didn't know how to speak.

All my life, I had talked in the royal princess manner, that's the approach I took with her. I am sure I came out as an annoying, spoiled, and self important person to her, but something about that didn't feel right.

The moment she cried in my bosom at the cave, I felt rotten to my very core.

Was what I felt envy or jealousy towards her? I didn't know but I knew for a fact that I wanted to be just like her even if just a little bit

This person whose entire life was turned upside down because of me was being direct, honest, and genuine with the likes of me.

And what was I doing? Still speaking to her in my false and manufactured persona.

I wanted to respect her feelings, I also wanted to be honest and true to her.

Never before had I spoken to anyone about my actual thoughts and feelings, never revealing to them my real emotions, but this person made me want to at least give it a try.

Still, I fumble here and there and go back to my princess like demeanor from time to time but I'm sure she's also noticed my genuine attempt at change.

Slowly I open my eyes, my vision clearer than it had ever been before.

Her idea which had been lingering in the back of my head came to the forefront.

I wanted to stay with this person, I wanted to experience more firsts with this person

What if some people get hurt because of her plan?

Those people aren't important, what IS important is us two.

I want us two to be happy

I want to fulfill her dream.

I who took away her life now must give my everything to support her.

Thus came my very own first desire.

The desire to protect someone.

The desire to see someone happy.

The desire I had on my own.

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