Chapter 31: 31: Loneliness

With the rooms sorted, we headed off to find a table for our group. Grace stuck closer to me than I was used to, and I was going from flustered to confused and then to worried about her. Something was definitely bothering her

The group sat down wearily, tired from all the walking we’d been doing recently, as well as the battle today. I made sure I sat down next to Grace, and while everyone else was getting settled, I leaned over and placed my mouth close to her ear, whispering, “Are you okay Grace? You’re acting funny and it has me worried about you.”

She turned to look at me first with confusion in her expression, then there was a flicker of something, just the barest hint of sadness. “What do you mean?” she asked as she covered up the split second lapse.

Her face was so close, her lips just inches from mine, but I couldn’t back away. It was as though there were a magnetism between us in that moment, and it took all my self control just to keep myself in place. My heart was pulling me towards her, tugging at my chest insistently.

“You’ve been upset all day,” I murmured, searching her deep green eyes for any hint of what might be bothering her.

Grace looked like she might reply, but then she shook her head instead. “I don’t want to talk about it here.”

I watched her for a little longer, an intense wave of affection for her washing over me. Something about seeing her vulnerable and trying her best to hide that fact had me feeling caring and protective of her. She was so important to me, the way she always had my back, was always on my side no matter what. Even when I’d fucked up and rushed into that battle earlier, she’d done nothing more than politely ask that I warn her beforehand.

Before I could really think on it, my arm was coming up to wrap around her waist in a quick, awkward sideways hug. “We can talk in our room later then,” I told her gently, hoping my smile would cheer her up a little.

Judging by the shy smile she sent back at me and the way she leaned into my little hug, I figured I’d made the right move. “Okay. Thanks Ryn.”

I made to pull my hand back but the way she was still leaned slightly against me made me hesitate. I opted to keep my hand lightly resting on the small of her back while I leaned back into her. Neither of us mentioned the contact as we turned back to the group at large, finding only Adam watching us in that moment.

He glanced between us for a second, and he gave us the tiniest of nods before he turned back to Eilian, who was saying something to him. My eyebrows shot up when I noticed that her hand was resting on his forearm.

I was quiet as conversation ebbed and flowed around us in mostly broken Anve. I helped out in translation where I could, taking those moments to try and teach my friends in the process. Other than that, I was done with talking in general. I’d been the face of the group for a while and it was quickly overwhelming me. The sooner everyone else could speak Anve, the better.

The food arrived, a fairly standard roast that had little seasoning. Another thing we’d taken for granted back on Earth was the abundance of spices available to us. Only the rich and powerful would have access to them now. Well, and mages I guessed as an afterthought. I could probably set up greenhouses and the like in my grove for— oh my goodness. I knew how to buy power back in Avonside. I had the perfect plan. Coffee.

My peaceful abstention from the conversation was brought to a grinding halt by Eilian, who asked, “So Ryn, please indulge me, but what is it you do with your time when it is not spent galavanting around the place getting into hopeless battles?”

Looking up from where I’d been poking at the remnants of my food, I had to think about her question for a moment. “Uh, I guess I used to just watch TV shows a lot, or study for my exams. Sometimes my friend Bray would get me to play games with him, although I was always really bad at the ones he liked to play. I like to collect pillows too. Oh! And reading! I love reading stories.”

“I did not understand half of that,” she chuckled with a shake of her head. “What is a tee vee shaw?”

“Oh, um,” I said in surprise, forgetting that she’d have very little context for half of the things I’d just spoken about. “It’s like… theatre. A play, but it’s recorded by a device that lets you see it at any time you want to. Like on a… crap, it’s really hard to explain. There’s a lot of things about our culture that are just going to sound like gibberish to you.”

“I’m starting to gather that,” she murmured, her eyes taking on that weird sparkle again as she leaned forward across the table towards me. “Would you be willing to show me these things? Maybe I should visit this Avonside of yours, hmm?”

Oh gosh, just when I thought I’d escaped from this sort of attention from her, she was trying again.

“U-um, we… I don’t have any of that stuff on me, sorry,” I told her, clumsily tripping over each syllable that I spoke.

“I throw the last thing for this away to stop metal thing,” Grace told her haltingly in Anve, and I turned to see her expression wasn’t the happiest again. I think it was time to get her out of here.

Adam piped up in his own messy version of the language, and Eilian was back to listening intently to the large guy as he tried to explain what a show was.

“Grace, want to go back to our room and get ready for bed early?” I asked hopefully.

“Oh my god, please,” she breathed, relief pouring off her in waves. “I want to get out of this armour and find a damn bath.”

“Yeah, me too,” I said with a little giggle. “Well, except the armour, because I’m not wearing any.”

“I know what you meant, you goof,” she smiled before she downed the last of the weak beer they had served us. To the group she said, “Hey everyone, Ryn and I are going to go to bed early.”

“Night,” the guys nodded, while Eilian gave us both the flirtiest smile I’d seen on her yet. “Have fun girls…” she teased.

That set my cheeks aflame and a quick glance at Grace revealed embarrassment flaming up across her face too. She looked so damn pretty when she blushed, it made me want to reach up and place a kiss on her reddened cheeks. Obviously I couldn’t for reasons written all across her face right now. I could see it in the way she was avoiding my eyes. She didn’t see me that way, even if I was a girl now.

“Let’s go find the baths,” Grace mumbled, leading the way without looking back at me.

God damn it, why did Eilian have to say that? Now Grace was all weirded out and things were going to be so damn awkward for us when we went to bed. This was lame.

The baths were all small, cramped single person affairs that didn’t have the warmest water in the world, nor was the soap all that great. This led to a rather short bath that left me cold and tired. Getting dressed in sleeping clothing inside the bath seemed like a smart idea while I shared a room with Grace, so I put on my loose linen shirt and a new pair of underwear.

I trudged up the sturdy wooden stairs towards our room, having gotten directions from the innkeeper. Honestly, I just felt shattered in general, the walking, the constant attention from everyone as I had to be the bridge between the group and the world due to the language barrier. Even my feelings for Grace were exhausting me. It was a pretty foregone conclusion now that I was interested in her romantically, which meant that I was going to be diving into unrequited crush territory whether I liked it or not.

I sighed and pushed open the door to our room, finding her already laid out on the bed with her eyes closed. She wore simple clothing now, and it looked like she’d only have to take off her cloth pants in order to be ready to sleep.

I could tell by her breathing that she wasn’t asleep, just resting her eyes, so I murmured a greeting. “Hey Grace.”

“Hey,” she murmured sleepily, cracking an eye to look at me for a moment.

I dumped my belongings on the floor next to hers, closed the door and locked it, then padded across the room to my side of the bed. Lifting the covers, I slipped inside and rolled to face her. There was a single candle burning in the room right now on the bedside table next to her, and it gave her a ruddy orange glow that had my eyes drinking in the sight of her. She was so pretty, so wonderful. My heart began to ache watching the gentle rise and fall of her breathing.

“Grace?” I asked quietly. “Why were you upset today?”

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With a sigh, she turned her head to look at me. “Isn’t it obvious?”

I shook my head, it wasn’t, at least not to me.

“That Eilian chick. She’s been hitting on you all day, and not subtly either. I just… I don’t trust her, at least not as far as you go. I don’t want you to be hurt by someone like her,” she told me, looking away again. Her eyes stayed glued to the ceiling as she said, “I felt like she wasn’t really going to leave you alone until you said yes. I don’t know. I fell for something similar once, and it wasn’t fun.”

“She did stop in the end though,” I pointed out.

“Yeah, only after she decided to settle for Adam. No offence to the guy of course, but not even Eilian herself is as stunningly beautiful as you are,” she replied with a snort.

“It wasn’t working, you know that right?” I said gently, and again I was unable to stop myself as I reached out to tentatively touch her shoulder. “I’m a virgin, and I know that like, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is. At least to me. I don’t want a random hookup with someone I’ve known for less than a day to be my first time.”

“You are?” she asked, looking at me in surprise. “But even before you got changed into a girl you were attractive, in a nerdy sort of way, and that’s coming from a lesbian. You’re also like, an amazingly good person.”

I bit my lip and looked down at the pillow next to me for a moment, judging how much I wanted to tell her. I closed my eyes with a grimace as I made a decision, steeled myself, and then opened them again with resolve.

“I didn’t want to be in a relationship because… because I hated myself,” I told her truthfully. “I hated that I was… male. I am almost one hundred percent sure that my mage fruit turning me into a girl wasn’t an accident.”

Grace rocked back, her eyes widening as she took a long, deep breath. “Wow... I should probably have realised that, in hindsight.”

“I figured, what the hell is the point in even bothering you know? I wasn’t even sure if I was interested in girls or guys, not entirely,” I shrugged bitterly. “Plus, I don’t have the greatest track record with love in all its other forms too.”

“Oh, Ryn,” she murmured sadly, her hand coming up to take mine where it had been sitting on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. That makes a lot of sense, in a very depressing sort of way.”

“I’m okay now, I think. I’m certainly happy, and I don’t know… I feel so good just existing now,” I said, forcing a smile that soon became real as I thought of how happy I was to be Ryn.

“Thank you for telling me,” she smiled, giving my hand a squeeze. “You definitely seem happier this way, even with people trying to kill us.”

“Thanks for not being awful about it,” I said in return, absolutely loving the way her hand felt over mine.

Gosh though, just the feel of her skin was sending little sparks of sensation up my arm. We stayed like that together, just holding hands and watching each other for a long time. I felt so connected to her in that moment, and I could almost imagine that we might be able to go further than friendship one day.

Her expression seemed to be wavering into sadness though, and I squeezed her hand quickly. She took a breath that didn’t sound entirely stable and said, “I’d never be awful about something like that, and especially not to you. You’re… a large reason I still feel sane on this ring. Out of everyone on it, you’re the one who actually, truly seems to care about me.”

“What about the others?” I frowned, confused.

She shook her head. “Yes and no. The girls are too caught up in each other to pay too much attention to me. Bray and I are great friends, but there’s a disconnect between us and he’s always busy. Duncan was pretty cool, but again, he’s been so damn busy with the plumbing stuff. Adam has been a great friend, but I don’t really relate to him on a deeper level than simple friendship and camaraderie. It's like the whole dynamic in the group broke a little when we thought you'd died.”

I knew what she meant. The few good friendships in my life had been fine, but there was a level beyond that, and I wasn’t talking about romance. Having that person in your life who really got you, deep down at a wordless, emotional level was so important. The type of friend who felt so solid in your life that you knew you could always depend on them. Grace not having that, isolated in the Avonside community regardless of how many people are around...

“You’ve been lonely,” I blurted in understanding.

Her lips thinned and her brows furrowed as she visibly fought with her emotions, and I was shuffling over to comfort her in an instant.

“Please let me hug you?” I asked, beginning to struggle with sympathetic emotions of my own.

“Yes,” she gasped, rolling over to bury her face in my shoulder without any more invitation.

My hand went to the back of her head, where I began to gently stroke her soft blonde hair. My poor friend, I wished she didn’t think she needed to be strong all the time. It was okay to let other people hold the line every now and then. My other arm was trapped underneath her for a few seconds while I struggled with my own empathetic emotional response, but I managed to shift it until I was cradling her torso. She was silently crying against me, her body making these little quivering motions that had me pulling her even tighter to me.

“I miss my family!” she cried, her voice muffled by my shoulder. “The one back on Earth. I miss my little brother, I miss my mom. I miss my dad.”

“I know,” I murmured, pressing a careful kiss to the top of her head. My heart felt like it was being wrenched from my chest with every silent sob that shook her body.

“There’s so much pressure, so much shit to deal with, people to protect. Then I find out that it could all mean nothing, because the enemies we have out here are so fucking powerful that we might lose regardless of what we do!” she said with a tone that was part despair and part anger.

“We’ll figure it out,” I whispered. Then thought of something that might have a small chance of helping. “I don’t know if this helps, and I haven’t told anyone this Grace, but… I am significantly more powerful than I should be for a newly born mage.”

“What do you mean?” she asked rolling over to make tear-filled eye contact.

“The amount of raw power I’ve started with in this body is like, crazy. I don’t know exactly how much, but Esra was surprised and a little awed by it,” I said with a shrug. “I might be able to eclipse that asshole Fennimore sooner than we think.”

“That’s… good news,” she said, swallowing hard. “Do you think you can?”

“We’ll see, but I’m hopeful,” I told her with an attempt at a smile. “I wish we could just ask him to go away. Diplomacy would be so much easier and save so many lives.”

“I don’t think he’s interested in talking about anything but himself. But… you being powerful, that gives me a little more hope, I think?” she whispered, her eyes drifting down to my neck in thought. “I guess it’s my job to help you survive long enough to make it there.”

“No,” I shook my head. “It’s your job to be you, to be Grace. We’re friends, best friends… family even. Whatever you want to call it. We’ll help each other. A team.”

“Okay,” she said with a smile of her own. “I like that, that’s a nice way of thinking about it.”

I felt my worries over her easing, and I allowed myself to just lay there and look into her eyes for a moment, my arms around her. It was odd, being the protector for the moment. Grace was usually doing that for me, but I was more than happy to fill this role when she needed it. I’d do pretty much anything for her, if I was one hundred percent honest with myself. Somewhere in this short week together, I’d grown to really, truly care about her.

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