Chapter 116: 116 Starting Over, Part Two

Tsuyoshi's life became a daze. Minor amounts of work for shit pay while Sophie fluttered about looking worried.

But Zelko was blooming, his skin growing warm under the sun. Every day he smiled more and more while Tsuyoshi watched from a distance with his head full of static.

He watched Zelko flirt with the woman who brought their mail, and trying not to react made him so tired he went back to bed.

When he woke up, Zelko was standing by the door.

"I was bisexual before I met you," Zelko said.

"Yeah, I know."

"I mean that you weren't an experiment. It's not like I tried out the gay thing and now I'm going back to women. I was in love with you."

Tsuyoshi buried his head underneath his pillow. "I get it. Go back to flexing your muscles for someone else."

Zelko didn't say anything but he didn't walk away, either. It was always easy to tell. When he moved he stepped like a herd of elephants.

Tsuyoshi pulled his pillow away and glared up at Zelko. "Why are you still watching me?"

Zelko laughed and rubbed at the back of his neck. "You know, uh... I saw you, before the first time we met, with your tour group. You were scowling at everyone and squinting against the sun, and then you turned around and rolled your eyes and kicked a rock. I thought you were the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. It was like being stabbed in the chest. So when I saw you in that bar I had to talk to you, but when I talked to you I was afraid you'd see what a loser I was so I said a bunch of stupid crap and fucked it all up."

"Yeah, I remember."

"Some day you're going to meet a really nice man and..."

Tsuyoshi threw the pillow at Zelko's face. "Fuck off."

*

Mohamed thought he should go to therapy. Tsuyoshi absolutely did not agree.

"But why won't you?" Sophie asked, over the dinner table as she helped him lay out the plates.

"Uh, because therapy is bullshit? Have you met any of the people who do that for a living? They're all fucking crazy. Every time someone made me go to a psychologist they'd talk some bullshit about my dead parents childhood trauma and be all, 'oh, do you want to talk about your dead parents? Are you angry at your dead parents?'"

"Are you?"

"No, I'm angry at my uncle Tim for being a lousy alcoholic who won't shut up about his feelings and doesn't even come to see me. I'm angry that I went on holiday and ended up in a war zone. I'm angry that I shot someone and that I..."

He stopped ranting when he noticed how much his hands were shaking. He put the gravy boat down on the table and slumped into a chair.

"I... I think you might need to talk about your feelings," Sophie said.

"I don't want to talk about my feelings. I'm sick of talking about my feelings."

*

Feelings, that's what Ibrahim was always trying to talk to him about. 'It's okay to feel your feelings' and 'have you considered dealing with your feelings in a less destructive manner' and 'you don't have to feel this way'.

"What would you know about how I feel?" Tsuyoshi had said.

The overhead light had burned out and in the darkness of their tin shed Ibrahim's features were stark, dramatic, in the faint hint of light let through the half-open door. He probably stood where he did so it would happen like that. Nobody looked that dramatic naturally.

"I don't want to push you," Ibrahim said.

"You push me all the time. Pushing me is all you do."

Tsuyoshi stood up, stepped close. Ibrahim stepped back but there was nowhere to go.

"You can't pretend to be delicate now," Tsuyoshi said.

"I most certainly can if I want."

And it was all pretence, not even a convincing illusion. Ibrahim was still all shadows but for the red light of his eye. Tsuyoshi couldn't forget how dangerous he was, even if he tried.

Just like he couldn't forget the dangerous thing in himself that kicked people when they were down.

It was easy to forget how dangerous other people could be, when they smiled a goofy smile or tried to insult you in a way so cartoonishly bad that you couldn't take it seriously. And then you'd fall for their crap without even noticing it was happening. Tsuyoshi didn't understand any of it, how anyone got people to care enough about anyone to care when they were mean.

And then what was it he said next? Something about violence? No, all he remembered was asking if Ibrahim had ever kissed a man. And then when he said no, saying, "If you're really good today might be your lucky day," and then laughing it off.

The idea that he'd ever tried to tease a convicted contract killer about his lack of sexual experience didn't make any sense. As he sat on that couch in Sophie's house weeks after he'd arrived there to do a job he wasn't capable of, it was hard to believe any of it was real. Surely he imagined it all.

*

It took days before Zelko cornered him to talk about it. Tsuyoshi rolled his eyes as soon as he realised it was imminent, and crossed his arms to show he wasn't going to budge.

"I know I can't escape this. Get it over with," he said.

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"Sophie's right," Zelko said. "You need to talk to someone."

"Yeah, and how's that going to work out?"

"You're so smart and there's so much you could do if you figured out your life. You don't need to be stuck here washing someone's teaspoons a billion times. You could do so much more."

"What if I don't want to do more?"

Zelko grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. "You do! I know you do."

Tsuyoshi pushed him away hard enough that Zelko stumbled and nearly fell down. "Why do I have to get this speech? Why aren't you trying to look for a better job?"

"I like it here. I'm not smart like you. I don't have any real skills. All I can do is lift things and shoot things."

"What do you mean you're not smart? You read War and Peace."

Zelko stopped waving his arms about and blinked at him. "It's not a hard book. There's this whole bit with a bear that you would really like."

Tsuyoshi stepped back, confused at how the conversation got to that point.

"That's not the point," Zelko said. "The point is that there's so much in you that is just waiting to come out and..."

"How am I supposed to talk about this?" Tsuyoshi yelled. "Something was done to us and I don't know why or how anyone let it happen, and now everyone expects me to just get over it and get on with life. I hurt people. I broke a girl's arm. I hurt my friend and now she's dead and I don't understand all these feelings. I feel like I can't breathe."

"You weren't the one who killed her."

"That doesn't help!"

Zelko grabbed his arms and pulled him so close he couldn't struggle anymore.

"You should definitely talk to someone who isn't me because I don't understand how to deal with any of this shit," Zelko said.

"Same back at you."

"Yeah, probably." Zelko sighed. "Some day, when you go off and meet someone else..."

"Oh, no you fucking don't. You can't get rid of me that easy. I will haunt you like a ghost so you can never forget me."

"It is not possible for anyone to forget you. Why are you doing this? You broke up with me."

"Because it seemed like the right idea at the time."

Zelko's hands went loose. He didn't stand back, just stood up straight and looked down. What Tsuyoshi felt in that moment was annoyance. Pure disgruntlement.

"I did kiss someone else," Zelko said.

"I kissed Ibrahim behind your back," Tsuyoshi said.

"Really? When?"

"You'll never know. Good kisser, very aggressive."

"I can't tell if you're lying about that."

Tsuyoshi smiled up at him, smug.

"Now I'm even less sure," Zelko said. He blew out an obnoxious breath. "If we had met somewhere else do you think things would have turned out okay? If we met on a holiday that didn't end in violence and I took you on a date."

Tsuyoshi grabbed at the soft collar of Zelko's shirt. His hands shook. His whole body shook. "You still could take me on a date."

"Tsuyoshi..."

"If you wanted to start over and try things the normal way and not immediately smother me with your intensity. I'm just saying, I'd be interested."

Zelko froze. And then the loudness of his breathing turned into a laugh. "You would? You're still..."

Tsuyoshi nodded. "I'm still."

Zelko kissed him and Tsuyoshi's entire body stopped shaking and relaxed, finally.

When it ended, Tsuyoshi stepped back and smirked at Zelko, who was red in the face and rumpled all over.

"Take me on a date first," Tsuyoshi said.

"Okay. I'll make the plans. How do you feel about boys who put out on the first date?"

"I'm in favour."

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