Chapter 73: [70 – identity; one and the same]

As Soren blinked the sleep away from tired eyes, he suddenly decided, 

"Actually, I want to sleep again."

[...do you think I'm free whenever you ask for me?]

The prince nodded calmly. "Don't you respond right away every time?"

The Death God couldn't deny that. Though, his stubbornness and lack of patience for people was the same as this particular prince and he replied, [I won't answer next time.]

"Really?" 

[Yeah.]

"Annoying." muttered the man to himself as he pushed himself into a proper sitting position, leaning against the headboard. His eyes wandered to the empty shadows that curled around every corner of his room.

After deciding that something had disappeared, he turned his gaze away. But just because he couldn't see it didn't mean it wasn't there. 

There were still remanents of blood on his fingers, and he curled them, slowly closing his eyes. His throat was dry, and mind spun from the sudden awakeness of seeing that illusion. It crept and wrapped around his thoughts in vivid recollection. 

[Breathe, Ren Suzuki.]

Soren steadied himself and opened his eyes again. "If I wasn't breathing, I'd be dead."

[.....]

Exactly why did this God bother trying to help this bothersome prince? It was quite evident that it was pointless to do. There was an irritated sigh.

[What do you want to know?]

"Aren't you bound by rules?"

[I don't have to tell you the answers after hearing your questions.]

Soren scowled despite already knowing the answer. "That's useless."

The God had enough of him and said sharply, [Questions?]

What questions did he want to ask? With every answer came another dozen questions. It was impossible for everything to be answered, but it could be left to his own speculation.

There was still the biting urge in his mind that wished to turn a blind eye, despite how much he wanted to know the truth.

It'd been one load after the other. 

And none of them had been light, pressing down on his shoulders and drilling him to the ground. 

There was the troublesome, and very unwanted ordeal of the Forest of Beginnings and Endings. Before that, the Haze King, Brioc's relation to the third religion and Celine's betrayal. 

Raphael had begun to remember, and he wasn't alone anymore. Vincent had chosen redemption, even if Soren never forgave him. 

Damien wrote the ending of the story he wanted to read to the end, and then everybody discovered the truth about this world. Soren was merging with the original, and he'd been, this whole time, linked to that person without him knowing. 

The Soul Trees. Soul Saint. Anima.

He wanted to know the truth, but the truth was vague. What specifically did he want to know? He couldn't guess it. 

His eyes flashed to the skin on his hand, delicate and tender yet it would heal over and over. 

A thought flickered through his head.

If in his body existed a soul seed, and that was the core of the history behind his birth, then was this also the reason his ability existed. Because something in him kept him living all this time. He already discovered that with the Necromancer Queen. 

The question was, if that was the case, then what were the consequences when he died and entered this world?

The ability still existed, but it failed him in his last life at the end. 

He furrowed his brows deeply, lips curving in contemplation as his thoughts danced around a complicated puzzle he wasn't sure he'd figure out.

[Congratulations.]

The strange, familiar voice echoed in his mind, hammering into his bone. 

Soren paused. "What?"

[You found the core of your ability.]

"If you know my thoughts, then what are the consequences of what I considered?"

[Undetermined.] Then the God continued. [Continue asking questions.]

"Is there something you want me to ask?"

An otherworldly being with powers that a mere mortal couldn't imagine. Both familiar and unfamiliar. Soren had the faint feeling that the God was waiting, waiting for a specific question under his careful urging.

[There are many you can ask. And many hints I can give.]

"I asked, is there a question you want me to ask?"

[...No. What you should know, you know. And what you don't yet, you will soon. What else do you want to know, Ren Suzuki? You've learned who you are, and your connection with this world. The person you want to remember has filled the gaps in your mind. What else?]

There was a rare long speech from the seemingly indifferent God, probing at Soren as if he knew everything. At the same time, this God seemed to know very little.

"I want to know the person you want to save. No, the people."

A long time ago, Soren had asked why the God cared so much for this world. And the answer had been surprisingly humane; he wanted to save somebody. No, he wanted to save more than one.

The God, infuriating as he was, responded with another question. 

[I want to know why you changed your mind?]

"You already know."

[I am not omnipotent. I can't know emotions and thoughts entirely.]

"There's another thing I want to know." said Soren, twisting the control of the conversation back into his hands. 

The God of Death sounded weary, as if predicting what may come. [What?]

"What world did you live in before you became a God?"

Silence permeated the room, and the prince almost thought the darkness would swallow him alive in the God's brooding thoughts. 

As he thought, this was a crucial thing to know.

The God of Death promised to give any answers Soren he wanted, driven by the desire to protect somebody in this world. And if that person was a human, it would have to be somebody he knew from the past. 

A person who existed in this world, currently. 

There weren't many options available. Soren considered it being himself, as a person who was tied to this world and another at one time. But there was more than a single person — the God of Death had said so.

There was another known person who didn't belong in this world, a person that the God of Death never said the name of and even avoided mention of at times. 

Subtle, subtle actions. 

For either him or that person, it didn't make sense for the God of Death to want to save them so badly.

[I... lived in a world where killing and betrayal was a daily thing.]

The God stopped speaking.

Soren's fingers unconsciously curled into a fist. He waited for the continuation, but the silence dragged out into an uncomfortable wait.

[You suspect my identity.]

Much like how Soren often spoke, it wasn't a question. It was a statement.

Soren replied in the same manner. "You know who I suspect."

[Yeah.]

"...then?"

[I won't refuse answering you. Are there any other questions you want to ask first?]

"No. There's nothing else." said Soren with a hint of impatience in his tone. "Are you going to answer?"

[I will. You're too impatient.]

"You're too slow."

The back and forth banter only delayed the conversation, but it didn't prevent it. Both parties were well aware, and slowly drifted back into their quiet. 

[There was only one person I wanted to save originally.] admitted the God of Death steadily without pause. [And then, after watching somebody stumble around like an idiot, I wanted to save two.]

[Raphael Han.]

A pause, and creeping hesitation. As if uttering his name would bring bad luck down on everyone, tentative and careful. 

[He is the first person... and as you thought, you're the second.]

"Why?"

[Because the one I thought was the most unworthy to be saved became somebody I wanted to give a second chance to.]

[...when I was human, I lived in the same apocalypse that you did.]

"And?"

[And what?]

Soren slowly asked, "Who were you?"

[You want to know the complete truth of your past, right?]

"You're not answering the question."

The God of Death ignored him. [The memories will return in due time, because the person who stole them from you is dying. And when they die, you will regain all the memories.]

"....." A frown tugged at Soren's lips. "Dying?"

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[There is a concept of multi-dimensions. There exists more than one 'you' in the universe. The soul tree roots represent each possibility of every life time. In the many branches of one root, there may be the timeline where you died, and the timeline where you lived.]

"Your point?"

[Even angels possess a soul tree, unless they disappear from the world.]

Soren paused. Even though he'd contacted the Death God for the sake of his own questions, he still remembered his companions' will. 

"Uriel can be awoken."

[If you tamper with her soul tree, yes. She's in a state of not living and not dying.]

"I see." The prince twisted the conversation back. "And who are you?"

[You have a guess.]

"I do."

[Which is?]

Soren fell into the lull of the drifting air, not speaking. The God of Death didn't speak either, waiting patiently for the answer. 

Whoever the God of Death was, they were a person who lived in the same world as both Raphael and Soren. A person who wanted to save the two, to the extent of pulling Soren into this world. 

Somebody who likely knew the history of Raphael and Soren.

There was a vague idea in Soren's mind, always wandering and always uncertain. It was something rather unbelievable, and utterly nonsensical. 

He had two sets of memories from the apocalypse. One of his past that burned vividly in his mind, and another of a time where Raphael existed. The first one was undoubtedly his, and the second one also belonged to him.

But in that other timeline, what if it was 'another him' whose memories he was seeing?

"You are," said Soren calmly as he gazed straight ahead. "Somebody who became a God to save Raphael."

[Continue.]

The name was on the tip of Soren's tongue, waiting to be spoken. 

"Ren Suzuki."

Soren continued, "That is who you were."

The God of Death let out a soft breath. [Yeah. That is who I was.]

[For one hundred lifetimes, I watched Raphael die. And in this world, I pulled in an outlier to change the destruction that was supposed to happen. Although even without my intervention, you would've been pulled to this world anyway.]

It was one thing for Raphael to endure and suffer, fighting a hundred lifetimes worth of battles and failing every time. And it was another to watch, unable to do anything, as the person you cared for died, over and over again.

If this was the secret the God of Death had hidden, how did he feel, alone for so many years, able to watch but do nothing else?

[You're overthinking.]

"What?"

[It was better to watch him, than to not watch. Better that he wasn't alone, even if he thought he was.]

There was a maturity in this God's nature that was unlike Soren. But a hundred lifetimes gave a person plenty of time to think, learn and understand. 

Soren paused. "The person Raphael loves is you."

[...I forgot what foolish thoughts I used to have. If somebody told you that a stranger was your lover in the past, would you automatically fall in love with them? The feelings you and he have are from the present, and the past only adds to them.]

"I am not you."

[But I was you. Once. The same undying reaper, wandering in the apocalypse. Don't think of us as completely separate people. I am the you of the future, and you are the me of the past.]

"You erased his memories." said Soren suddenly. 

[Yeah.]

The God of Death said that Soren's memories of the past would slowly trickle into his mind. Because the person who erased those very memories was dying. 

"You're dying."

[Even Gods can die.] There was a pause, before the God of Death continued. [A human can become a God and a God can become a human. There are things you need to do to remain a God, and I ignored them.]

For the sake of watching Raphael. His only intention was to live until Raphael's happy ending was found.

"You won't turn back into a human?"

[There is nobody left waiting for me.]

"That--"

A knock interrupted his words and a gentle voice spoke.

"Little brother? Are you awake?"

[I'll answer any more questions another time. Find the soul tree forest, if you want to save Uriel. The leader of the Third Religion may act again soon. As for your memories, they'll return more often now. Ready yourself, it won't be a peaceful process.]

"That's fine."

[...Then, good luck.]

The voice disappeared, and Soren dragged his eyes to the door. Even if he had suspected the God of Death's identity, confirmation made it all the more true. He sighed, before saying, "Come in."

"Good morning, Soren." smiled Deimos pleasantly as he carefully opened the door. "I hope you had a pleasant sleep."

"Prince Deimos... did my mother leave me anything?"

The second prince blinked in surprise, frowning slightly. "There wasn't much she could leave behind, I'm afraid."

"Nothing?"

Then, Soren vaguely recalled the beautiful forest he'd seen when he first transported to the world, of pure white trunks that stretched out in a sea of trees, and pale blue leaves that hung gently swaying in the constant breeze.

The illusion room.

He'd almost forgotten about it.

"Who built the training room?"

Deimos stopped before he said, "I did... with the aid of Anima. Or I should say, she did, with the help of me. She wanted to create something that could help us before she left."

"Are all the locations just an illusion?"

"Yes, that's quite right."

"All of them?"

"Well," explained Deimos. "The user must've seen the place before the illusion can form. The image is created from memory."

Soren frowned. "How about the initial scenery?"

"Initial scenery?" repeated Deimos, looking somewhat confused. "There is no Initial scenery. It should start off as a blank space until you imagine something."

Anima, Soren's mother, had left clues for him to find. She wanted him to know the truth of his existence and wanted to save the world that she wouldn't see until the end.

It was right before his eyes. 

The key to saving Uriel existed in that world. And the angel, in the future, would be a worthy ally against the third religion. Not to mention, he'd promised Celine. That he would find a way to save her. 

But despite all that, there was another reason. 

When alone and bored, it gave a lot of time to think about one's own thoughts. Sometimes, listening to those confused and clashing ideas did more harm than good.

Soren wanted something to take his mind off everything, and to learn more about the women who brought him to this world. 

"I need to go to the training room."

A low voice interrupted, as a flash of black appeared around the corner. "What's the rush, little prince?" 

Soren blinked, and frowned. "There's a lot to do."

"Why don't you take a break?"

"There's no tim—"

"Ren." said Raphael with a soothing smile. "You're not alone, you know that, right? Whatever you're about to do, you can discuss it with us. That's an option for you."

Soren shook his head, but he himself hadn't noticed the frantic tinge in his voice. Since he'd arrived, it was one thing after the other that he aimed to complete. He acted, at times, as if he were living on a timer, always needing to do something.

And perhaps, that was his way of escaping reality. 

But one couldn't run away forever, because running away didn't mean those things disappeared. It meant you left it unsolved, it meant it'd come back and haunt you later.

"Let's eat something first, alright? Didn't you say you had low-blood sugar? You always have that candy with you, but eat something properly." continued Raphael calmly.

"Not hungry."

A quiet rumble filled the air at that moment. 

Soren paused, glanced down and then looked back up at Raphael, who was on the verge of laughing. Deimos also smiled in amusement. 

"...hungry."

Raphael cleared his throat and nodded. "It's all ready, the others are up too. Come out when you're ready."

They closed the door, and Soren lazily tossed on some simple clothing, a little dazed. 

The nightmares. Uriel. The Third Religion. His identity. There would be time to figure it all out. And there were people he could rely on.

Soren closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. 

He needed to learn how to trust, learn how to use all the help he had that surrounded him. Because these people were different from those he met in the past apocalypse.

They would stay.