Chapter 80: [78 – monochrome; lost reason]

The rest of the memories blur together into a disoriented video of images playing on repeat in his mind. There are vague memories of laughter, of gentle conversations under the starry skies, and of everyday life simplicity far too beautiful in a time of anything but.

It was as if there was a track record in his mind, fast-forwarding through everything pleasant and joyous.

Then, through the haze of spinning colours, everything suddenly settled. 

And the mist faded into peaceful sorrow. 

Most of the buildings had long been destroyed in wake of recent battles that shook the city to the core. The end was coming — that was a fact all survivors understood. 

Yet humans, to the pitiful end, could only hopelessly struggle.

However, a single creature had risen from the corpses of its siblings, more dangerous than any before. In a moment, it swept its tangled inky limbs and crushed anybody who was misfortunate enough to be watching. 

As red dripped from the hidden eyes, it almost looked as if it were crying. Weeping while it bestowed salvation on the world.

Struggle?

They could only wait for death before such an entity. 

But because they were humans, they would resort to even the cruelest methods to live, even if it meant throwing aside morals and pride, and dragging others into hell with them.

It had started with Raphael stepping back and stating that it was best to clear the area. It was a loss of the few resources they had, since the area consisted of many buildings and crumbles of stores that hid secret treasures within.

The people pleaded with this all-mighty hero.

"Please, we're hardly surviving, anyway! That... that monster has taken up a damn amount of space! If we abandon it, what left is there for us?!"

Countless pleas.

"You're powerful! Why are you backing out like a coward?"

Provoking insults.

Standing in the center of the piercing words, the man didn't flinch as he gazed at each person through careful raven eyes. His sword gleamed at his side threateningly, but he made no movement to attack. 

It was as if he were unshakable, glued to the position and firm to his thoughts. 

And perhaps that was what made him so admirable.

But Raphael was not a God, nor was he especially unique and powerful. His abilities, though strong, did not make him a hero. It was his willingness to help that did, his natural instinct to offer a hand to the despairing souls that crossed his path.

Even now, he still wished to find a method to solve the issue. If his power alone couldn't defeat the monster, how could he recklessly rush in only to die a painful death? That act would only demoralize the crowd and produce absolutely no results.

Therefore, he had taken a step back to observe from a distance.

To them, the watching spectators who could only grasp onto his clothes and beg as their fear of fighting and selfish desires blended together, Raphael was selfish. Cowardly. Running away, after all this time.

How could he?

How dare he?

It was an act of utter betrayal.

The crowd roared, but he continued to ignore them, quietly figuring out his own means of defeating the creature. Yet they couldn't wait, and the humans struck first.

Raphael found Ren, alone, between two tall buildings that hid a dark alley of growing moss and vines. It was one of the rare standing buildings that survived, though it likely wouldn't for much longer.

The light in his eyes immediately dimmed, and he jerked his body forward, hastily sprinting into the street. 

His little fool's body was sprawled on the ground, dying the green a striking red that continued to pool under his body. A storm rumbled in the clouds, reflecting his mood, as heavy rain crashed down. 

Raphael lurched forward and grabbed the fallen body unsteadily, eyes searching for any sign of life. Ren wasn't bleeding, and the wound had been too deep.

The heavy realization of death crashed down on him.

No matter how accustomed one became to death, the sheer weight of a companion was nothing to scoff at. It could happen a million times, and he would not become emotionless.

Bothersome, was this fool who loved to mock and insult Raphael, unknowingly or not.

Curious too, seeming to search for an answer with uniquely innocent eyes, lacking an understanding of basic emotions. A little clumsy and rather awkward, somewhat polite, yet devastatingly beautiful when he grew serious.

Lazy and unreliable, for somebody who claimed to be have wandered alone for so many years. But Raphael trusted him deeply.

A single droplet of warmth fell onto Ren's face, before another, and another.

Because the wound wasn't healing, and Ren didn't wake. 

"T-that, there was nothing I could do!" stammered an unsteady voice from up ahead, wracked with nerves and guilt. Raphael didn't even lift his head, hugging the body to his chest.

"It's not my fault! I don't want to die — it's not my fault you ran away! And then I came to ask him for help instead... he, he refused! Dammit, both of you are cowards! What could I do?!"

There was a low growl that formed a question. "What did you do?"

"W-what?"

"What did you do?!" snapped Raphael, yanking his head up as his eyes reflected absolute darkness, almost soulless. In the hidden alleyway, he seemed to dominate the air and nature itself.

This kind of hero that never lost his cool.

Gone mad.

The man trembled and stepped back, shaking. "That — it was a cursed artifact that dropped from a monster. I-it locks away any abilities! If you don't defeat the monster, I-I won't take it off!"

"Do you think..." muttered Raphael in a soft, crazed whisper. "I would comply with threats? When I could kill you where you stand, and take it myself."

But that would go against the very thing he represented. 

He closed his eyes and sighed, feeling the broken rise of Ren's chest in his arms. For the sake of defeating the monster, a rare artifact had been used. The repercussions of using such a thing would be beyond imagination, but it was likely the man had used it without knowing.

For something to limit even Ren's ability... that man would never rest in peace, not even after death. Because with power came consequence.

Raphael swallowed back his emotions and said carefully, "That creature, even if I fought it, can't be defeated."

"Liar!"

"...there may be a method found if we waited longer. I was searching for such a method. Do you think it's smart to pointlessly die when there wasn't any chance to begin with? If you can wait a little longer, I can find a guaranteed—"

"No! You're making excuses!" seethed the man, a terrible expression of impatience on his face. "You're just buying time!"

"Listen!" growled Raphael with growing irritation. "The only person making excuses is yourself."

The other sneered and laughed out loud, his timid nervousness destroyed by fear. There was nothing he could lose now, already having gained the wrath of the hero. 

The rain continued to crash on them, making their loud voices broken and muffled. But it only served to make them shout even louder, scream until even the heavens could hear them.

"I didn't think it'd be so easy! That this, the... the monster you're holding in your hands would be so trusting! He let me approach, and even tried to explain your intentions! Ridiculous!"

"He... let you approach him?"

Ren wasn't trusting, but at the same time he was easily swayed. Yet in such a situation, where this man of hideous thoughts came forward, that fool wouldn't be so idiotic. 

He wasn't trusting.

But for Raphael, who had faith in humanity, he was willing to learn.

This was the result.

"A-anyway! If you don't--"

"I'll do it." interrupted Raphael, slowly raising his head as he smiled a hopeless smile. It was as if along the walls of his beautiful faith in humanity, a crack had formed. Gradually spreading until it stretched out everywhere, only a step away from falling to pieces. "I'll do it tomorrow. When I leave, do not take the curse off him until the end of the battle, understood?"

"Why would I--"

"Understood?"

His voice left no room for argument, and the man found himself nodding.

"Then leave." Raphael breathed quietly, ruminating. "I don't want to see you ever again."

The man didn't need any more convincing, and ran away after receiving the hero's promise. How could he even consider staying, when he knew he was wrong?

When he'd left, Raphael gently laid Ren down and carefully wrapped his wounds, fingers lightly grazing over skin as if it were glass that could break at any given moment. He bent over the body, lowering his head as tears continued to spill.

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He clasped his hand over the other's, silently indulging in the faint warmth.

This fool was always so cool, regardless of the layers Raphael piled onto him. Would he end up freezing later on?

Even if Ren joined him during the battle, it would only end in disaster. The undying ability was nothing more than a curse that'd keep him alive to the very end, but it wouldn't kill that creature, as powerful as he might be.

It was better if only one sacrifice was made.

Better if Ren wasn't alone, the last one surviving on the battlefield once again.

"It was all worth it, don't you think, little fool?"

But surprisingly, the collapsed body suddenly lunged forward, crashing into Raphael as the latter's eyes widened in surprise, falling back.

They both slammed into the walls and groaned.

"You'll die." murmured a weak, tragic tone that seemed to be filled with unshed tears.

He'd heard everything.

Pressed against the rocky grounds of apocalypse, Raphael felt the weight of his other on his chest. This reaper was light — hardly living. He'd thought that from the start. 

The terrible habits Ren had, of skipping meals and sleeping through the day, had only just been corrected recently by Raphael's effort. Would they revert back, if he was gone?

But seeing Ren so desperately hopeless, silent tears unknowingly running down his pale cheeks as he pleaded with Raphael...

...it was as Raphael thought.

Leaving somebody like Ren alone was impossible.

Raphael said softly, "I won't die."

Ren shook his head, silent gems of crystal tears more tragic against his helpless expression. "They always do."

"Then I'll be your exception, alright? You clumsy reaper."

"I can only be alone!" snapped Ren suddenly, voice scratched and torn in his cracking shouts that were so strange for him. The wound burned in his chest, but he didn't care. He knew what sort of condition he was in, and didn't ask to join Raphael, lest he be a burden.

Raphael furrowed his brows deeply, and stretched out a hand to place it against Ren's cheek.

"You're wrong."

"I attract misfortune. I'm a reaper! I... will kill everyone in the end."

He slammed his fist against Raphael's chest, and the other took it silently. These beatings that were full of rare emotions — Raphael remembered them. And he would always remember them. In the next life, and the one after that, too.

Ren collapsed his head into the crook of Raphael's neck, the wisps of soft hair tickling the man's chin.

"You're wrong, Ren."

"Raphael..." choked Ren quietly. "...I just want to die."

Tears streamed down Raphael's face, blending with the drops that fell onto his face from Ren's quiet sobs. Raphael trembled and held him tightly, closing his eyes.

"Ren."

"Please, Raphael. Kill me."

"I..."

"Please."

It was an impossible plea. But Raphael, already deep in the murky waters of love, couldn't refuse the other's last wish.

Raphael took a deep, trembling breath and smiled a little tragically. "Alright, Ren. I'll kill you one day."

"I promise you."

———

Ren stared blankly at the dull, pointless world. A numb chill shrouded his body in permanent cold, ragged clothes and blood-stained cheeks, a remanent of his battles. He'd rushed out the moment the curse was lifted, but time wasn't forgiving and he was already too late.

He made it only to burn the colour of death in his mind, as it coated the stone rubbles and painted his eyes. The creature was severely injured, though it would be long before it would die. The entire battle had been a death wish. There was no possibility of survival.

They should've known. They should've understood.

But they forced that poor hero's hand until he was nothing but ashes on the ground. 

"You promised." muttered Ren, curling into a ball so small against the endless ruins.

There was a bloodied sword at his side, a reminder of today's failure. And every day, fresh crimson would coat that blade.

He breathed shallowly.

When he sought death, the first day and failed, he slaughtered monsters for a week and died dozens of times, only to live again, and again, and again.

When he was stabbed by a person who he failed to save the family of, he'd smiled and begged them to kill him. They couldn't. Though they tried.

When he thought, perhaps, it was because he killed himself too quickly that he wouldn't die, and had mutilated his limbs into measly clumps of what they had been, Ren thought, through the pain, that it was finally over.

But it wasn't.

It never was. This long stretch of endless time that suffocated him terribly.

And through the pain — of his screaming mind and broken body — the world turned monochrome.

Sometimes he'd see Raphael, standing there in his arrogant light with that stupid, stupid grin. That hero who would laugh and tease, even in the middle of fighting as his body would curve and leap, sword drawing a compelling arc in the air.

He who seemed to know no sorrow, hidden under layers of happiness. But it wasn't that he smiled to hide his pain, but he smiled because he accepted it. 

Ren had been saved by that smile.

And sometimes he thought he felt a warmth at his side, the large, calloused hands that held him so gently. Wrapped around him like a protective shield, always there.

But when he woke up in the morning, what greeted him was the cold.

Ren would panic.

Desperately search through the ruins, digging until his nails turned red, and skin peeled. He'd run down the streets, know that everybody who saw him only knew him as crazy, but it didn't matter. 

He'd hack and slash at the grounds, jump from battlefield to the next until the sun set once again, and another day passed.

It wasn't that he didn't know Raphael was dead.

He just didn't want to remember.

A person accustomed to the dark would turn away when first seeing light, so bright that it was blinding. However, when walking down a tunnel of despair, that glimmer of light could soon become addicting. 

And once it was snuffed out, burned away until only darkness remained once more, they'd lose themselves to the madness that had forgotten.

Ren was insane. Maybe not once, but now he was.

'Raphael.'

He couldn't see colour, anymore.

'Raphael.'

He couldn't hear music any longer.

'Raphael...'

He couldn't feel warmth, only the biting cold of despair.

'Why...'

The world...

'...did you have to die?'

...was not worth living for.

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