Chapter 9: 9. Ashamed

=::= Skye's PoV =::=

I felt anxious as I stood in Selene's shop. The only other time in my life I'd ever felt anxious in that place was the very first time I was there. Back when I still thought I was a human boy and I ran into her store looking for refuge from a couple bullies.

Now I was facing something infinitely more scary than a couple tenth-grade human boys. I was going to own up to my mistakes, tell Selene about Emily's problem, and ask her to fix whatever I'd done wrong.

Emily and Danni were both there with me. Originally I thought having my friends at my side when I confessed to my mentor might give me some additional confidence. Instead I found myself dreading the conversation that was about to unfold.

Not only did I have to tell Selene how I messed up, I was going to have to admit that Emily spent the last two weeks suffering because of me.

I was afraid of how she might react when I told her the truth, I was afraid of what she might say. And I was afraid that my new friends might be scared off, afraid of how they'd think of me after Selene got through lecturing me about how serious my error was.

My spiritual mother quietly looked back and forth at Emily and Danni and myself. Her expression was a blend of mild amusement and curiosity.

After a few more moments her gaze settled on me and she commented, "Now there's an expression I've not seen on you before, hon. Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind? What's got you feeling so guilty and worried?"

I took a deep breath then sighed, "It's about Emily. I made a mistake when I helped her, and I don't know how to fix it."

My voice was quiet I continued, "She's been suffering and struggling, and it's all my fault. It's cost her friends, she's losing sleep, it's affecting her schoolwork, her mother's worried about her. And I don't even know what I've done wrong, let alone know how to fix it."

I finished with a sigh, "I know I'm probably in a lot of trouble, but please can you help Emily before you do anything else? I won't complain or argue if you want to ground me or give me a lecture. But please help my friend first."

Selene's expression was fairly impassive throughout my confession. When I finished she once again glanced between me and my two companions. After a minute or two of awkward uneasy silence, she finally sighed.

"Based on the coolers you two are carrying, I assume the three of you just got back from a picnic. I won't ask where, but knowing my Skye it was somewhere unusual or exotic. Nonetheless, why don't we all sit down and you can fill me in on the details over some tea?"

Danni and Emily both seemed a little nervous, though they probably weren't as anxious as I was.

The two nodded though, and Em asked "Are we going to the cafe again?"

Selene shook her head, "I think this is a conversation we need to have in private. Come along girls."

She made a little gesture in the direction at the door, which dutifully locked itself as the sign flipped around to 'Closed'. Then she headed over to the Employees Only door and opened it up onto our home kitchen.

Emily had already seen that trick two weeks ago, but Danni just stared wide-eyed and slack-jawed for a few moments before she and Em finally started to move towards the door.

I followed them, and soon enough all four of us were in our spacious country kitchen. My friends set their coolers down on the wicker love-seat off to the side while Selene busied herself at the stove. She soon had the kettle heating then prepared a teapot and three cups. She already knew I wouldn't have any, instead I'd have a glass of water while the others had their tea.

Then while we waited for that, everyone sat down at the kitchen table. Apart from Selene, we were all nervous.

My spiritual mother glanced around at the three of us and asked, "Now, why don't you girls explain to me just what the problem is? Let's start at the beginning."

Emily went first. In a soft uneasy voice she told Selene what she told me and Danni in the cafe back on Wednesday. My spiritual mother's expression showed concern and compassion, but beyond that I had no idea what she was thinking.

She quietly listened to my friend describe the nightmares and the way her old life kept intruding into her thoughts when she didn't want it to, and the renewed temptations to medicate her stress and quell nightmares with alcohol as she'd done in her past life. Em finished up with some of the events of the past two days, how she'd lost the last of her school friends and even blurted out something she shouldn't have known, from the other timeline.

By the time she was finished the water was boiling, so Selene excused herself and poured it into the teapot. Then she returned to her seat and turned her attention onto Danni and asked her to continue the story.

The blonde piercing artist looked a bit awkward as she recounted how the three of us discussed the situation in the cafe on Wednesday, that Emily told us the same things she just told Selene. Danni explained how the three of us agreed to be friends and work on this together, and how we'd been keeping touch online. And she mentioned Emily was at the shop again yesterday after school and helped with work until they closed up last night.

"I've said all along I'm not really any help with the magic stuff," Danni added. "I'm not even very good at being the responsible grown-up or voice of reason in the group? But both Skye and Emily wanted me to be involved, so I agreed."

After Danni finished her part of the tale, Selene got up again to pour the tea. She set out a proper tea service, with a little bowl of sugar and a matching pot of milk. Fancy china teacups were placed before both of my friends and my spiritual mother's seat, then a small glass of water was set in front of me.

Selene finally sat down again once everyone had their tea, and her gaze settled on me.

"All right Skye, I believe it's your turn."

I sighed and had a sip of water, then I took up my part of the story. I described how I went back in time to review my actions with Emily at the start of the month. And how I visited Clover to compare notes between her experiences and what was going on with Emily. Even though the magic happened very differently for them, they both got new bodies and new timelines, so I thought there might be some clues.

In the end I sighed, "After all that I still don't really know what I've done wrong. I don't know where I messed up. All I know is my actions have left Emily suffering, and I'm afraid to try and fix things because without knowing what I did wrong in the first place I might just make things worse. So we've come to you for help, because I know you'll know what to do."

My spiritual mother didn't respond right away, and in fact it was one of my friends who spoke up next.

"It's not your fault Skye," Emily said as she reached over and put her hand on mine. "You didn't know. And I'm still grateful for everything you did for me and my mom. I mean that."

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"Thanks Emily," I replied quietly.

After a few moments I braced myself then looked up at Selene and asked her the big question. "So that's why we're all here now. I don't know what I've done wrong, and I don't know how to fix it. You have all the experience and know-how. Will you please help Emily?"

Selene had a thoughtful look on her face as she quietly sipped her tea. She seemed to be considering everything the three of us just told her, before making any decisions.

Finally she glanced at my friends and asked, "And all three of you are working on this together? I understand why Emily would seek help from Skye, but how exactly did you get dragged into this Danni?"

It was clear from her tone and expression my mentor was obviously surprised that the piercing artist was involved.

Danni glanced at me, but before she could answer Selene's question Emily spoke up instead.

"I went to Danni to see if she remembered me," Em explained. She grimaced slightly, "I was afraid to come to you ma'am, and afraid to talk to Skye. I was scared if you found out I was having trouble adjusting, that you'd just send me back to the other life. I was afraid you'd send my mom back... I wasn't expecting Danni to solve my problems, but I needed someone I could talk to. I just wanted to get it off my chest, I thought maybe having someone I could talk to about this stuff might help."

Selene gave her a sympathetic smile, "As I'm sure Skye has already told you hon, neither she or I would ever do that to you, or your mother."

Emily nodded, "Yes ma'am, she told me. So um, can you fix me? I wouldn't be upset if you took away that other life completely, like if you erased everything from that life so I didn't have to remember it? I've asked Skye about that a couple times but she doesn't want to do it."

That brought a troubled look to my spiritual mother's face. I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with that solution to Emily's problem, but I was sure she'd at least be able to fix my mistake.

"That other life is still a part of who you are hon," she said softly. She continued to look uneasy as she asked, "Are you really that eager to lose such an integral part of your self?"

My friend nodded, "Yes ma'am. If it'll stop the nightmares, stop those thoughts from coming up? If getting rid of that stuff will let me just have a normal life as the new me, then yes. I'd give it up in a heartbeat."

After a quiet sigh Emily added sadly, "It feels like that's keeping me from being a normal teen, like the other girls at school. They don't think about being interviewed by Internal Affairs when they're talking to the guidance counsellor. They don't think about informants and wires whenever the popular girls are looking for dirt to gossip about. And they don't have nightmares reminding them about their other life where they used to be a cop."

By the time she finished the sadness in her voice had been replaced by something else. I knew Selene noticed it too, and suddenly wondered if she knew all along. Emily was definitely sad, but beyond that she was dealing with more unpleasant emotions. It sounded like she had a lot of guilt and shame tied up in her memories of that other life.

I wanted to ask about that but Selene beat me to it. She asked in a gentle voice, "Why are you ashamed of that Emily? What is it about that other life that has you feeling guilty?"

Em stared down at the table as her cheeks took on a red tone again. She sighed and half-mumbled, "I was a cop. All cops are bastards. I... At the time I tried to convince myself I was doing the right thing, but I knew it was a lie. I've hurt people. I've had to use my weapon. I turned a blind eye when I saw other cops doing bad things because I knew sometimes they did good stuff too. I didn't extend that sort of mercy to the people I arrested though."

I was surprised when Danni spoke up next.

The piercing artist had a look of sad understanding on her face as she addressed our friend, "Maybe that's why the nightmares all have the same theme, of reliving those events but as Emily. Your dreams are putting you in those moments as a defenceless teenage girl, to try and punish yourself for the things you feel guilty about doing in that life."

"Maybe this isn't happening because of anything Skye did wrong," she added softly. "Maybe it's you? Maybe you're subconsciously sabotaging your new life because you feel like you don't deserve it?"

By that point there were tears in Em's eyes. She was still staring down at the table as she whispered, "I don't deserve it. I was given this beautiful amazing miracle for free. I got a fresh start, all the sins and mistakes of my past were swept away. But I still remember them. I know what I did, what I was like, what sort of person I was."

Her voice was even quieter as she summed it up, "That's why I want to forget. But that makes me feel worse, for being greedy. Forgetting my past will let me enjoy the miracle I didn't deserve, but it won't fix things. It won't make things right."

When Selene finally spoke I could tell she was addressing me as much as she was responding to Emily. My spiritual mother's voice was soft and compassionate as she explained, "I have two unbreakable rules when it comes to dealing in spells and magic. First, I never ask for more than a customer is willing or able to pay. And second, I never take it all. I might ask for a skill, or professional knowledge. I might ask for some potential, or in some cases some specific memories. Or even some emotions. But I never take it all."

She continued, "I only take as much as the customer's situation warrants. For some people that means they pay a higher price for the magic because they themselves need to pay a high price to believe its real. For others, it's to help them let go of something from their past, so they can move on and enjoy the life ahead."

"Your past life is part of you Emily," Selene addressed my friend directly. "It helped shape your present. Without it, you wouldn't be the Emily you seek to be now. Had I sold you a spell, at most I would have asked for the memories of your professional career. I would not, and will not, take away your entire previous life."

We were all quiet for a few moments after that, and I was positive both Em and Danni were slowly working through everything my spiritual mother said. I hadn't missed the subtext she intended for me though. Taking something in return wasn't important for the sake of the magic, but it was potentially important for the client's peace of mind.

After another half minute or so Emily looked up at Selene. Her voice and expression were a combination of guilt and hope as she asked, "So can I trade those memories away now, to pay for the miracle Skye gave me?"

"I'm sorry hon," Selene shook her head. "That magic's long past, and it was freely given."

Em slumped for just a second, before she looked up again. She glanced at Danni, then looked back at Selene and offered, "What if I pay for someone else's miracle? Danni needs help, she's unhappy with her life and feels trapped. Could I give up those memories of my old job, in return for your help fixing her situation?"

The piercing artist looked equal parts surprised and embarrassed by Emily's suggestion. She blushed, "I appreciate the offer Em but I really don't know how to fix my life without disappointing my dad, or making things worse for him."

Meanwhile Selene had a small, slightly amused smile playing on her lips.

"What an interesting coincidence," she commented in that smug tone that told me she'd already come up with a solution to both my friends' problems. "I happened to speak with Karl this morning. Danni, your father has similar concerns about disappointing or upsetting you. While I'd suggest in the future you get in the habit of communicating more with your family and friends, for now I think I have a solution that should suit everyone."