Chapter 13: Chapter 11 – I’m Coming Out

I’m humming happily to myself when I walk into the music store the next day.

“Oh hey, new look! I dig it!” Kelly says.

“Hey, Kels! Thanks!” I answer.

“Geez, you’re in a good mood! Whatever you’re on, I want some.”

“I’m on ‘I have a girlfriend as of last night.’”

“Oh dang, congratulations! I definitely gotta get me some of that.”

“Ten out of ten. Would recommend.”

“I’m only a little jealous, but super happy for you. You should bring her when we hang out this week.”

“Yeah, totally! We’ll try to make that work. Did Michelle and…Lily, right? Did they get in okay?”

“Yep, Lily. They got in on Sunday evening. We got to hang out all yesterday, so that was really nice.”

“That’s really cool. If we’re talking about jealousy, I’m happy for you but a little jealous that you’re so close to your sister.”

“We didn’t used to be, but once we both came out as queer and learned to present a united front to our parents, that changed a lot.”

“I bet. Somehow, I don’t think that’s a likely scenario for us. My brother has been tending in an alt-right direction for a while now and my parents are kinda like, ‘Well, it’s a bit extreme, but at least he’s not gay.’”

Kelly looks like she’s about to say something, but settles for, “Mmm.”

“Anyway,” I say into the awkward silence, “when were you thinking about getting together?”

We talk possibilities and I promise to check with Anya and get back to Kelly. Then I head to the back of the store to teach lessons.

*****

“Aaah! I’m so nervous!” I say.

Anya reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. “Take the time that you need, but maybe it would be best if we just go in and get it over with. You’ve already been over this and I don’t want you getting stuck in that pretty little head of yours.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” I sigh. I’d spent the previous evening at Anya and June’s house talking through the situation until I’m sure they were both completely sick of the whole thing.

Kelly had been working at the music store the previous two days during my lesson times and, after consulting with Anya, we’d agreed to meet for supper tonight after I was done teaching. The thing is, I wanted to come out to her and, based on some things she’d said in the past, I felt fairly confident that she’d be chill about it. I didn’t really have much to go on with Michelle, though, and Lily was a complete unknown.

Nevertheless, with Anya and June’s support, I’d psyched myself up to meet Kelly and the others en femme. I wasn’t sure if I’d have been up for it if Anya weren’t coming along.

“It makes me so mad that trans people don’t even get to feel automatically safe around other queer people,” June had said. “Fuck TERFs.”

“Nah, punch ‘em instead,” was Anya’s response.

After teaching, I’d hurried over to Sam’s bar to meet Anya and change clothes, although I kept my “early transition” body. June had helped me pick out a cute skirt and sweater combo.

Anya had dressed up for the occasion by getting out her nice leather jacket to pair with her usual jeans and tank. It was very hot.

Now we’re sitting in the car outside the restaurant as I try not to hyperventilate. Kelly texted a few minutes ago that they had already arrived and gotten a table.

“Okay, let’s do this thing,” I say. We get out of the the car, Anya offers me her arm and a reassuring pat on my hand as I take it, and we walk into the restaurant.

The others are not hard to spot, with Kelly and Michelle’s matching red hair. Kelly is facing the door but appears occupied with her menu, while Michelle’s wheelchair is pulled up to the table facing away from the door and the person who must be Lily is sitting next to her. All I can see of Lily from here is a blue-dyed sidecut.

As we approach the table, Kelly spots us and does a double-take, but her brief look of confusion is replaced by what I’m pretty sure is a genuine smile.

“Here they are!” she says brightly. “Um, maybe we need to do a round of introductions?” She shoves out the chair next to her with her foot and gestures for me to sit. I settle down carefully and take a deep breath. Anya sits on the other side of me and squeezes my thigh under the table.

“Uh, I’m Lark and this my girlfriend Anya,” I say, staring at the table, so I’m caught off guard when Kelly pulls me into a fierce side hug.

“You chose a lovely name,” she says. “Thank you for trusting us with it. Anya, I’m Kelly.”

“It’s great to meet you properly, Lark,” says Michelle warmly, “and good to meet you too, Anya. I’m Michelle and this is my girlfriend Lily.”

I look up to see Lily staring at me. It’s not hostile, but I don’t know what it means. She’s gorgeous but there’s something vaguely and irritatingly familiar about her and I can’t put my finger on it. We stare at each other and the energy at the table gets weird. I feel Anya tense up next to me.

“Ohmigod! Anderson?!” Lily blurts out and the pieces fall into place. We both burst into laughter.

The others are looking at each other like they have no idea what’s going on, which, to be fair, they probably don’t.

“Once you’ve recovered, could someone please explain what the fuck just happened?” Michelle asks.

“Lark and I,” gasps Lily, “knew each other when we were both eggs.” She giggles. “But it looks like we both took the red pill, except they’re blue now.”

Kelly and Michelle seem satisfied with this answer, but Anya whispers to me, “I’m still confused.”

“We knew each other in college,” I tell her, “back when we were both manly men.”

“Just dudes being bros,” Lily agrees.

“Okay, that helps a little,” Anya says uncertainly. “I don’t understand the eggs and pills, though.”

“An egg is a trans person who doesn’t know it yet,” Lily explains. “Then the egg cracks and, if it’s a trans woman, a chick comes out!”

“You literally cracked my egg, babe,” I say.

“And now you’re dating?” Lily exclaims. “That is so sweet I’m gonna vomit.”

“Ew, not at the table, please,” says Michelle.

“It’s wild, though,” Lily says. “Your deadname is pretty common and Kelly never mentioned your last name, so I had no idea, but then you looked so familiar!”

“Right?” I laugh. “What are the chances? I was literally thinking about you just last week!”

“Queer people find each other. But Michelle and I got together here before we moved, so it’s not that unlikely. Too bad you weren’t in the queer scene back then!”

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“I’m not even in the queer scene now,” I admit. “I’m only out to a few people.”

“Then I should get you in touch with some folks! Michelle and I are hoping to move back here by Christmas, so I can introduce you then, but I’d be happy to facilitate exchanging contact info before then if you’d like.”

“That’d be great! And cool that you’re moving back. Work, or something else?”

“Safety, mostly,” Michelle says. “For both of us, obviously, but I don’t want Lily to suddenly lose access to healthcare or, you know, human rights. Family, too, by which I mean Kelly.”

“Aw, you don’t want to hang out with your parents all the time?” asks Lily sarcastically.

“I think after last night, I’d prefer none of the time,” Michelle answers.

“We had dinner with the folks last night,” Lily explains. “I think the only reason it didn’t turn into a complete shitshow is that they never clocked me.”

“It was a complete shitshow,” says Michelle, “my parents just didn’t realize it. Apparently, Mom is in one of those scary Facebook groups that’s like half conservative Christians and half TERFs and all transphobia. So she’s decided that the way to connect to us as her lesbian daughter and ‘friend’ is to rant about the sanctity of women’s spaces.”

“It was equal parts horrifying and hilarious,” says Lily. “She’s all like, ‘Oh noes! Men in dresses in the ladies’ room!’ and I’m like, “I’ve shared a restroom with trans women before and nothing bad happened,” and then right before we left, I sat my trans ass on their toilet and put a ‘Trans rights are human rights’ sticker on the bathroom mirror and now I never have to go to their house again.”

“If I’d had any idea that Mom had gone down that particular rabbit hole of awfulness, there’s no way we would have agreed to see them,” Michelle says. “I just don’t know if I should tell them off or just never speak to them again. I thought the worst we’d maybe have to deal with would be ‘We just don’t agree with your lifestyle,’ not mask-off transphobia. Fuck TERFs.”

“Fuck TERFs,” we chorus.

“Hi, I’m Ash and I’ll be your server tonight,” someone says from the other side of Kelly. I notice a ‘they/them’ pronoun pin next to their name tag. “Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I get you lovely trans-inclusive folks started with drinks or are you ready to order?”

I quickly grab my menu and tell the others to go ahead if they’re ready. By the time Ash gets to me, I’ve found a burger that sounds good.

When we’ve all ordered, Kelly announces, “I promised Lark that we’d keep the family trauma talk to a minimum and we’re celebrating her tonight, so no more TERFs or our parents, okay?”

“Why are we celebrating me?” I ask.

“Because you’re transitioning and that’s cool as fuck!” Kelly says, as if it should be obvious.

“Oh!” I say, pleased. “To be honest, I was really anxious about tonight. I guess I was worried for no reason.”

“Not to be a downer, but you weren’t wrong to be worried,” says Lily. “You never really know how people are going to react.”

I notice that Anya still seems a little disengaged. I lean on her shoulder. “You doing okay?” I whisper.

She shakes her head as if to clear it. “I still don’t understand the pills.”

Lily launches into an explanation of the trans themes in The Matrix, and then the two of them start talking computers. I tune out when they get to things like SSH tunneling, whatever that is. I update Kelly on the band situation. It turns out Michelle plays keys and I make her promise to come jam with us sometime. Our food arrives somewhere in there. Both the food and conversation are excellent.

Eventually, I realize I need to pee. I stand up to look for the restroom and am surprised when Lily follows me.

“You’re not used to group expeditions to the bathroom yet, are you?” she laughs.

“Yeah, not really,” I admit.

When we’ve finished our business, she slaps a trans rights sticker on the bathroom mirror. As we walk back to the table, we notice that the restaurant is nearly empty.

“We should probably clear out so they can close up shop,” Kelly says. After settling our bill, we gather up our things to leave. Kelly pulls me into a hug.

“I’m really happy for you,” she says.

I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten more hugs in the past week than in the previous year. A girl could get used to this. I happily take Anya’s hand and we say our goodbyes and get in the car.

Anya starts the car and then turns the radio off, but says nothing.

“Can you tell me what’s bothering you?” I ask. “I’m pretty sure you weren’t just confused about eggs and pills.”

She exhales slowly. “I don’t think I realized,” she begins, but then stops.

I reach over and squeeze her thigh. “Realized what?”

Anya starts again. “There’s a certain amount of bullshit that I put up with as a woman and a dyke. And then there’s the casual cruelty that trans people deal with all the time! Lily sat through a hateful rant and thought it was funny! I get that everybody’s gotta cope in their own way, but nobody should have to cope with that in the first place. Shit!”

She takes a breath. “I play around with gender sometimes. You’ve seen Remy. It’s fun. But that’s not me, you know? The whole point is that people don’t connect us. They don’t see Remy and think about Anya differently. And then I watch you go through all of the anxiety about coming out to your roommate and your friends tonight and it was okay, but like Lily said, you weren’t wrong to be worried. It’s not always going to go that well. I know you’re more worried about your family and I”—she sniffs and I can see that there are tears in her eyes—“I want to keep you safe, but I’m scared for you!”

I’m stunned. “Oh…” is all I can manage at first. I take her hand in mine, squeeze it, and raise it to my lips while I search for words.

“You’ve made me feel safe from about thirty seconds after I first saw you,” I say. “When you and June brought me home and I got snot in your jeans, that was because for the first time I was safe enough to look past all of the things I’d been told about how who I am is wrong and sick. You two made me feel like actually being me could be the better option.”

I smile at her. “It’s all still fucking terrifying. But it’s okay, because now I know that there are people who have my back and maybe we can be there for each other in a way that wasn’t possible when I was trying to be somebody else. And one of those people makes that leather jacket look really good and she needs to kiss me right now because, like, you’re hot when you’re all tough and stuff, but I just learned that I’m into it when you’re vulnerable too.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Anya says and leans in.

When we come up for air, Anya takes a few deep breaths before pulling out of the parking lot. There’s silence again, but only because we’ve said everything that needed to be said, with words or otherwise.

A few blocks before my apartment, I pull out my phone and see that I missed a call and that there’s a voicemail from my mom. I squint at the auto-transcribed text.

“Fuck!” I say with feeling. Anya shoots me a concerned glance.

“Sorry. Got a message from my mom. She says they want to do something for my birthday next week, which I’d totally forgotten about with, you know, everything. I don’t wanna deal with my parents!” I pout.

“Then…don’t?” Anya says.

“You haven’t met my mom. She’s never met a boundary she couldn’t ignore. I guess it could be nice to get it over with, though.”

Anya pulls the car up at the curb. “Really, Lark. If you’re not ready to talk to them yet, you don’t have to.”

“I know,” I sigh. “I’ll sleep on it. But, like, if I decide to, you wanna meet my parents?”

“I’d love to,” she says drily.

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