Shame and Desire

Chapter 26: Chapter 26


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Under the tree, Sierra laid down on the grass, relishing the shade and the fresh summer air. Her breasts were blatantly visible through her T-shirt, one of her bra straps was exposed, and she was wearing a silver necklace with a heart shaped pendant at the bottom. But she couldn’t be bothered to care about any of that.

At that moment, she felt alive. More alive than she had been in a long time. No one, not even herself, could ruin it.

Sierra looked over beside her, catching the sight of Elise smiling back. She then felt her hand being given a squeeze, as if Elise was reassuring her that everything was going to be okay. Not like she needed that. Everything was far, far better than okay, and Sierra knew it with her whole body.

***

Sierra pulled her phone out. The conversations between her and Elise had once again managed to fall on “For a Girl” by O2bxx. It was a reminder that they still had a few more chapters left to read.

“Where were we again?” Elise asked.

“Chapter nine, Stephanie was just about to go to a pool party.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.” Elise responded. “That reminds me. We could have a pool party of our own one of these days.”

“What about COVID?”

“Cases aren’t very high right now.” Elise shrugged. “And we’re all vaccinated, anyway.”

“Who would you bring?”

“Just a few friends.”

“Oh…” Sierra replied with a nervous expression.

“What’s wrong?”

“I- umm… I don’t know how I can explain… this…” Sierra gestured down at her body.

Elise’s eyes went wide with realization. “Oh… right. I can see how some people might be a little surprised to see you with… boobs.”

“What should I do?”

“Well, I mean… maybe you could come out before then?”

“Like, come out as trans?”

“Yeah, come out as trans. I’m sure everyone would understand.”

Sierra quickly shook her head. “No, I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Sierra attempted to reply but found she was unable to. What could she possibly say back to that? Had Elise really just told her to come out? Was it really that simple?

Coming out as trans seemed like such an insane and terrifying thing to do. What could be gained from it? It would quite literally destroy everything. A lifetime of clueless therapists, unsupportive parents, and social ostracization could all very well be right at Sierra’s doorstep. And for what, a pool party?

Needless to say, it would not be worth it.

Besides, one had to actually be trans in order to “come out as trans”, so it wasn’t something that Sierra should even be concerned about.

“Are you going to say why?” Elise asked.

Struggling to form a coherent sentence, Sierra opted to keep it simple. “I… can’t, no.”

“Well, maybe you should put some thought into it.”

Sierra looked into Elise’s eyes, taking in her caring and confident face. If she thought this would be good for her, then it probably was worth looking into, at least a little bit.

Sierra took a deep breath. “Okay, I will.”

***

Reading the ninth chapter of “For a Girl” was able to get Sierra’s mind off the slightly heavy conversation she just had. The internal debates of whether she would come out as trans or if she was even trans at all were silenced by her just relaxing and enjoying the story.

There was a particular part she was enjoying this time, too. Sierra wasn’t someone who got emotional from reading, but even she couldn’t help but smile at the way that Stephanie and Hal’s romantic relationship was portrayed. Yes, it was fueled by forced het, but aside from that, she really liked it.

From Sierra’s perspective, TG stories had a bit of an advantage when it came to the usage of the very common “Friends to Lovers” trope. Most of the time, “Friends to Lovers” consisted of someone falling in love with one of their opposite sex friends, which Sierra found incredibly boring to read about on its own. Being straight was already the societal norm, so there was nothing inherently interesting about it. There was no risk or tension involved, and thus no satisfaction or thrill.

But take the main character, give them a gender transformation, and as Elise said, “it spices things up a bit”.

Sierra remembered someone online saying “Friends to Lovers only works when it’s queer”, and she couldn’t agree more. While a lot of TG stories, including “For a Girl”, aren’t explicitly queer they can still definitely be viewed that way. A man turning into a woman against his will and then falling in love with her male best friend will probably not be seen as a purely cishet relationship by most people.

And that’s what made it so fun to read about.

A “Friends to Lovers” plotline in the average TG story already has more layers to it right off the bat. Looking at “For a Girl”, there were questions of whether or not Stephanie could accept the new sexuality forced upon her, give up her male pride, and embrace loving a man. Plus, she had to deal with some entirely new social dynamics with her friends before the romance was a factor. Even if she conceded that it was extremely heteronormative, Sierra loved reading it.

Obviously, not every TG story does “Friends to Lovers” in this way, even if it is the most common. Some feature an explicitly trans character, some feature a lesbian relationship, and some feature an FtM transformation. It was important to remember that, as the world of gender bending fiction was very diverse.

***

Elise snickered once they got to the scene where Stephanie finds out her mother packed her baby doll pajamas.

“She took that real well. If my mom did that to me, I’d be pissed.”

“I always interpreted that scene as her mother punishing her for being seventeen and not packing for herself.”

“Well, not much of a punishment if she likes it.” Elise pointed out.

“True.” Sierra replied. “I’m kind of curious though, what do baby doll pajamas actually feel like?”

“Don’t know, I’ve never worn them.”

***

“God, her name is Karen?” Elise said. “If this story was posted today she’d definitely be named something else.”

“Yeah, that’s probably the worst aged thing about this story aside from the Bruce Jenner mention.”

***

“I’m sorry.” Sierra said. “But when I read this part the only thing I can think of is that one meme that goes ‘hey queen I saw your tweet about how men are trash’, you know that one?”

“Um, no, I don’t.”

“Oh…”

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Elise turned back toward Sierra’s phone. “I don’t know… that just doesn’t sound like something a 17 year old would say…”

“How so?” Sierra asked.

“Aren’t you usually the one who’s complaining?”

“I mean… I understand what you mean, I think.” Sierra said. “These characters tend to… not talk like teenagers.”

“Well, it’s mainly here.” Elise pointed at the screen. “Look at what she’s saying, a very direct explanation about how Stephanie enjoying being a girl means she’s ‘treating femininity with respect’ and that it ‘reflects well on them’. I just think it’s weird for a teenage girl to say something like that. It sounds like… something my mother would say.”

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird.” Sierra affirmed. “How many times have I said the characters in this story talk weird? I’ve lost count.”

“A lot. Including just a few seconds ago.”

“Really? God, sometimes I feel like I have dementia.”

***

“I can just imagine the CinemaSins guy saying ‘Sue says she keeps forgetting Stephanie used to be a boy when just a few minutes earlier she gave her a cheerleading outfit specifically because she was a former guy who treated becoming a girl very well’.”

“Do you actually think there’s something wrong with that?”

“No.” Sierra stated. “Believe it or not, humans are not robots. Also semi-hot take, CinemaSins was never funny.”

***

“Look! I found where you got your views on cheerleading from!”

“Hey… I form my own opinions.” Sierra whined, offended. “And I especially don’t get them from free online stories on the internet.”

“I’m just kidding.” Elise giggled.

Sierra crossed her arms and made that pout Elise always found adorable.

“You’re so cute, you know that?”

Sierra smiled. “I think I do.”

***

“Well, it’s about time they got to that.”

“What is it?” Sierra asked

“Stephanie’s first period.” Elise answered. “I’ve been kind of wondering about that. I was really hoping the author didn’t skip it.”

“Oh yeah.” Sierra said. “No, they don’t skip it. In fact, most TG stories I’ve read do focus on menstruation at some point. Except oddly enough, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’. Yeah, I didn’t notice it at first but despite being one of the most popular TG stories out there, ‘Of Heroes And Villains’ never once brings up menstruation. It’s really odd.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what story you’re talking about.”

“It was the second one down on the favorites list.” Sierra said. “I think you’ve seen that page. Don’t you remember?”

“No, I don’t… wait… oh yeah! I do remember one of those stories was called that.”

“Yeah… look, I know you may not be into gender bending stuff, but you should still definitely give that one a read. I think you’d really like it. It has an explicitly trans character, too.”

Elise nodded her head. “You know what? I will.”

***

While finishing up the ninth chapter of “For a Girl”, a thought came to the forefront of Sierra’s mind. It was something about the story that had been bothering her the entire time she had been reading it with Elise, and she was only now realizing it.

These teenagers were too damn horny.

That’s what she thought, at least. Considering how wrong Sierra could be when gauging human behavior, she may have been the weird one here. But this all just seemed too out of hand. The way many scenes in the story were being described, it was as if a full-on orgy could occur at any second.

Was she really the only person who noticed? She didn’t remember many reviewers talking about it. What about Elise? Did she notice? Sierra had to know.

“Hey, do you think these kids are a little too horny?”

“Hmm?”

“I was just asking… do you think these kids are a little too horny? Because I do.” Sierra explained.

“Oh…” Elise said. “I mean, I don’t really think so. Don’t you remember homecoming? A lot of couples there looked like they would start having sex, right on the dancefloor.”

Sierra huffed. “Oh yeah, I remember that. The principal even told everyone ‘no grinding’. Of course, that didn’t stop anything.”

Elise laughed, causing Sierra to smile.

“You know.” Sierra said. “We’re a pretty… uh… shit, I can’t think of a word. ‘Hands-off couple’? Is that a phrase that exists?”

“Jesus Sierra, you can just say we’re a couple that doesn’t have sex.”

Sierra’s mouth went wide open. She was completely speechless.

“What is it?” Elise asked. “Oh, please don’t tell me that hearing me say sex is really that shocking to you.”

“You just called me Sierra…”

Elise got confused. “I mean yeah… it’s not the first time I’ve called you that.”

“No… but it’s the first time you called me it casually. Like… the first time you said it without really thinking.”

“Oh… you’re welcome?”

Instead of replying back, Sierra immediately went to hug Elise. There was a huge amount of enthusiasm bubbling within her, and she could hardly contain it.

As she felt Elise’s arms slowly wrap around her, she almost cried tears of happiness.

It was a rather silly thing to be so joyful about, all things considered. On its own, that little action didn’t mean much. But it represented so much more. Elise was beginning to see her differently. Their relationship was changing.

And Sierra was sure those changes would be for the better.

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