Shame and Desire

Chapter 38: Chapter 38


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“There’s something I’ve been wondering about, with these stories.” Sierra said. “Something I’ve been wondering for a while.”

Elise looked up from the phone. “What is it?”

“Well… it’s a question. One that’s a bit hard to answer.” Sierra replied. “It’s just, is Stephanie a trans character? Beyond that, are the main characters of TG stories trans characters?”

Elise pursed her lips. “It’s a good question… I guess it depends on your perspective.”

“Yeah. I mean, functionally they are trans, right? They were born male and then become female. In real life, that’s the very basic experience of a transgender woman. So, that would make them trans.” Sierra explained. “You know, I remember reading someone online say that these old TG stories were sort of a way to write a trans character without actually saying that’s what you’re doing.”

Elise nodded. “True, but I think the author’s perspective is important too. I mean, it’s pretty clear that in this story, the author doesn’t consider Stephanie a trans character. Hell, I don’t even know if they consider Andy Marks a trans character.”

“Leaves a lot open to interpretation.”

“Yeah, and don’t you think clear representation is important?” Elise asked. “If all trans characters were just random guys turning into girls, wouldn’t that feel cheap?”

“It’s at least better than portraying trans people as serial killers.” Sierra said sadly. “I don’t know, it probably would feel cheap. I can’t say exactly, because I wasn’t around when all these old gender bending comics and Fictionmania stories were first coming out.”

Sierra sighed. “Maybe someone from that time would have a better answer.”

***

Elise failed to keep in a laugh as Sierra groaned.

“He gave me a playful pat on the butt?” Elise asked.

“I swear this story is so fucking strange sometimes.” Sierra said. “Literally a middle aged man touching a teenage girl’s butt and it gets laughed off. That’s not funny, it’s fucking gross.”

***

The thirteenth chapter was the end of many things in “For a Girl”. The end of the main plot, the end of the character arcs, the end of the characters’ high school days, but first, it was the end of the race scenes.

This was another plotline that the entire story had been building up to. Stephanie racing and finally showing what she is capable of in the nationals. Surpassing all of the obstacles that held her back before, including GB and Melody McCarthy, the girl whose school prevented her from racing with girls in the first place.

Just like in the first race at the beginning of the story, Stephanie runs for a time rather than a victory. As a guy, she aimed to break the 4 minute barrier. As a girl, she aimed to break Mary Decker’s time of 4:42, which in 2003, was the fastest mile time ever recorded for a high school girl.

And just like in the first race, Stephanie both wins and achieves her goal.

When Stephanie first got GB, she thought her life was over. Her running career would forever be tainted as being that of a woman’s. And in her mind, that made it lesser. She would never be able to achieve the times she used to, and for that reason she decides to give up. Racing as a girl would never carry the same meaning and sense of accomplishment that racing as a guy would.

But throughout the story, she was proven wrong. When she races as a girl, she still feels that same rush that comes with ambition, effort, and success. By pushing through, she learns that becoming a girl will never stop her from doing what she loves.

It was such a beautiful and satisfying thing to read.

Sierra could not possibly overstate how badly she wanted to be Stephanie when reading this story. To be a male who got the chance to transform into a female. To be such a beautiful and attractive young woman with an amazing talent. To be one of the best and most successful athletes in history. It would be a dream come true.

Really, who wouldn’t want to be Stephanie? She had such an amazing life, with seemingly everything figured out, and a bunch of friends who supported her. “For a Girl” made being a woman seem like the greatest thing on Earth. Why couldn’t real life be more like that?

Even though she’d never know the answer, Sierra did sometimes wonder if the author wanted to be Stephanie too.

***

When Sierra went to her junior prom a few weeks earlier, she wore one of her fanciest and nicest looking suits. At the time, the hormones had changed her body quite considerably, but fortunately her outfit was able to hide everything well.

She remembered that busy and eventful day fondly. She had gone to Elise’s house in the afternoon and got an instant smile plastered on her face once she saw her. Elise had the most beautiful dress on alongside a perfect combination of makeup and hair styling. Sierra was so enraptured by her appearance that Elise had to snap her fingers in front of her to get her back to reality.

Sierra then drove them both down to Amanda’s house to pick her up. Once they got there, they went to the front door and were greeted by Amanda, and her large golden retriever.

Sierra had not known that Amanda had a dog, and as such she panicked and immediately ran back to the car. Sierra’s friend group knew about her fear of dogs, and for the most part it was treated as a joke. Elise and Amanda did hold back the dog from chasing after her, but that didn’t stop them from laughing once they got to the car, much to Sierra’s annoyance and embarrassment.

At first Amanda wasn’t able to get a prom date, but eventually she agreed to go with one of the football guys named Xavier. Once they picked him up, they did a photoshoot, went to eat at some mildly fancy restaurant, and then headed off.

The night was incredible. Sierra had recently made a vow to allow herself more physical contact, and she was glad she did. She had forgotten how good it could feel to have Elise’s arms wrapped around her. To have her head rested on her shoulder.

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To have her lips locked onto hers.

There was a moment, during a slow song, when Sierra and Elise embraced each other in a long, deep kiss that seemed like it lasted forever. It was as if Sierra was transported to another world, where the only things that mattered were her, Elise, and that kiss. It was a memory that made Sierra smile every time she thought of it.

But throughout the whole night, something still felt wrong.

Just like at homecoming, Sierra was extremely jealous of all the girls at the dance. To see them in those dresses of theirs invoked a strong sense of longing. Deep inside, she wanted to wear those dresses, and while she could fight those feelings enough to still have a good time, she could never banish them away fully.

Was this all why she was connecting so deeply with the prom scenes in “For a Girl”? Was it out of a longing and a wonder of what it could really be like?

When Stephanie is getting ready for her night at prom, it's treated as a special and almost magical experience. One that brings tears to her eyes. Stephanie even bonds with her mother during it, each sharing delight in the process.

Is that how going to prom as a girl would feel? Magical? An exaggeration, probably, but “For a Girl” certainly portrayed it as such. Stephanie attends to dance after dance, with each one having an almost grandiose atmosphere, as if Stephanie is experiencing the opportunity of a lifetime.

And that wasn’t even to mention the final dance in the story, where, in a very sweet moment, Stephanie takes Arleen, the lesbian character, and dances with her during a slow song. In the end, she kisses Arleen deeply on the lips, giving her a memory she deserves to have.

Really, the only missed opportunity here was that Stephanie never has a final dance with Sue. That could’ve been a really nice and sweet moment but sadly it never happens.

Could dancing with a girl, as a girl, feel as good as it did for Stephanie in this story? Could it be the opportunity of a lifetime? Could it feel magical? Sierra wondered.

There was another part to these scenes that got Sierra wondering as well. During the night, Stephanie has a heartfelt conversation with her former girlfriend Sue, where they both express a slight sense of longing for their old relationship. They then embrace in a bittersweet hug.

But beyond that, this was the moment when Stephanie realized this would be the last time that their graduating class would all be together. After that night they would each depart and go on to live their own lives. It was, again, bittersweet, because while they would all go on to start a new chapter in their lives, they would be leaving everything in this chapter behind, and possibly never see each other again. While Stephanie is a bit saddened by this, she still sees it as a necessary part of growing up.

It got Sierra wondering, how would it feel the next year, when her class graduates? Would it be bittersweet like it was in “For a Girl”? Or would it be more exciting, as it would represent the true start of her adult life?

What if it didn’t invoke any feeling? Would that be bad? Sierra wasn’t sure.

And what of her fellow classmates? Would she ever see them again? Would she ever want to see them again? Surely, her close friends she would keep in contact with, but everyone else? There didn’t seem to be any way to know what the future held in that area.

Of course, in the 2020s keeping in contact with people was easier than ever. With the expansion of the internet, social media, and cell phones becoming widespread, the feeling of leaving your graduating class forever was not as strong as it was when “For a Girl” was written.

But it wasn’t as if that feeling was completely gone.

Sierra had a lot of questions about graduation, and it seemed she wouldn’t have the answers until next year.

***

After a week of reading “For a Girl” throughout multiple different sessions, Sierra and Elise were finally here. The climax of the story.

The sex scene.

Stephanie and Hal’s acts of intimacy had been slowly escalating over the course of the story, going from hugging to kissing to making out and then to oral sex. And now, the obvious final step was traditional PiV sex.

A lot of TG stories seemed to view PiV sex as a way to show that the MC has fully accepted themselves as a woman. It is the point where they overcome their male pride, and are able to be at peace with their new body.

And really, this last sex scene was very important to Stephanie’s overall character arc. By allowing Hal to make love to her, she fully comes to peace with her status as a woman, and completes her mental transition from male to female.

That wasn’t the only context to these scenes, however, as in the story, it’s stated that in the small town of Milford, having sex with a guy is sort of seen as a rite of passage for a girl. When a girl allows a guy to enter her body, she becomes a woman.

So, in a sense, there were two different character transitions happening at the same time. Stephanie was going from male to female, as well as going from a girl to a woman.

And she finishes both of those transitions in strides, losing her virginity in the most heavenly of ways. Paragraph after paragraph of buildup leads to her exploding into the most mind-shatteringly fantastic orgasm of her life.

Stephanie and Hal both collapse onto the bed after their lovemaking, continuing to caress and embrace each other until their bodies inevitably start reacting again, hungry for more.

The last two lines of the chapter represented the end of Stephanie’s character arc. It had taken a long journey to get there, but eventually she could come to proudly declare that she was a woman and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sierra could just imagine the day when she’d be able to say that.

That would be a great day.

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