Chapter 42: Chapter 42

1 Year, 8 Months Earlier

Elise could not believe what she was hearing.

“What!?” She exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“Could you try to keep it down?” Corey said, slightly annoyed. “I don’t want to attract any attention.”

Elise looked around the cafeteria and saw that quite a few people had turned their heads to see what the commotion was.

“Okay.” Elise said. “But only because I don’t want to attract any attention either. I don’t give a damn what you think.”

“Yeah.” Corey said quickly, not believing her.

Elise turned to look deeply into Corey’s eyes. “Why?” She asked.

“Things just aren’t working out.” Corey started. “I haven't really been happy, ever since we started dating.”

“We've only been together for four months!” Elise yelled. “What are you talking about!?”

“Elise, please.” Corey cringed. “Keep it down.”

Elise closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Okay, so you’re not happy. Why, then, do you need to break up with me?”

“Because I don’t want to do something that doesn’t make me happy.” Corey answered. “And being with you, it just ain’t making me happy. So I’m leaving.”

Elise could feel the tears coming to her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

A single tear made its way down Elise’s face and dripped down her neck.

“Why?” She murmured.

“What?”

“Why?” Elise repeated more loudly. “Why am I not making you happy?”

“It’s not you, it’s me. I just think maybe relationships aren’t for me. Like I’m better off as a single man. You get me?”

Elise sadly nodded her head with a sniffle.

“Okay, uh…” Corey’s train of thought stopped as he saw Elise’s crying state. He was about to say or do something to comfort her, but then decided against it. With a slight look of guilt, he stood up and left the table without saying another word.

For the rest of the lunch period, Elise hid in the girl’s bathroom, head down in the stall to hide her crying from onlookers. None of her friends went after her. She could imagine they were thinking the same thing as her though. Corey was a massive dick. How could he do this to her? Breaking up not even a week after homecoming, and for such a stupid reason too. That guy had no respect for other people.

Internally Elise cursed herself for being so weak. She was crying over a break up, something she had never done before. In the past she had even said the people who did that were overdramatic, and yet here she was now.

Eventually, the school bell rang to signal the next period. With wet eyes, Elise got out of the stall and went to her next class. As she did, she hoped that one day, she’d be able to look back at this moment and laugh.

***

Movies and TV shows often portray drama as the main thing on a teenager’s mind. As the media sees it, once a teen gets a bite of some gossip, that’s the only thing they’re ever talking about.

However real life is far less exaggerated than that. Teens do talk about drama, but it often escapes their interest fairly quickly, and pretty soon they’re back to their normal conversations until the next bout of drama inevitably comes and goes.

The media is right about one thing though, gossip travels fast, especially in a small high school. By the end of that day, everyone had heard about the breakup.

“Yo Devin.” Ryan said as he opened his locker. “Did you hear? Elise and Corey broke up.”

“I don’t care.” Devin said flatly.

“Pfft, tough crowd.”

“Yeah, well, other people’s romantic lives don’t interest me.”

“You sure you’re not just salty because you’ve never had a girlfriend?” Ryan asked in a mocking tone.

Devin grabbed his book bag and shut his locker. “As if you have room to talk. You had one girlfriend for like three months in seventh grade.”

“Still one more than you.”

“She broke up with you because you didn’t want to wear deodorant.”

“Again.” Ryan shut his locker and began making his way toward the buses. “Still one more than you.”

Devin followed after Ryan with a scoff. “Sure, man.”

***

The following day Elise came into the school with a much better attitude. After a night of thinking it over at home, she came to affirm her old belief that people who cried over breakups were being overdramatic. She was being overdramatic. The world did not end because her boyfriend broke up with her.

Besides, it was his loss anyway.

So Elise went through the day with no troubles. She didn’t even get mad when Emma teased her about her breakup. Or when she saw Corey in the halls. None of it mattered to her. She was her own woman now, and nothing could bring her down.

“Someone looks better than they did yesterday.” Amanda said to Elise at the start of lunch.

“Thanks.” Elise smiled. “Corey sucked. I never should’ve been crying at all.”

“Throwing shade already? That’s my girl.”

“Yeah, who needs a boyfriend anyway? I’m fine by myself.”

“Woah easy there.” Amanda said. “It’s only been one day.”

“I don’t care. He never deserved me.”

Elise smirked. “I was way too good for him.”

***

The next few months were a very refreshing time for Elise. After a year or so of being in relationships or trying to get into relationships she had forgotten how good being single could feel. Yeah, it was nice to have a shoulder to lean on but it was also nice to be on your own and not have to worry about keeping up a commitment to someone else.

As much as she hated to admit it, she could kind of understand what Corey meant when he talked about doing what makes you happy. Not like she would ever break up with someone as quickly as he did without even talking it out first, but still.

If Elise wanted a boyfriend, she’d get one, but it wasn’t something that mattered much to her. She was content with doing what she wanted, and what she wanted now was to be by herself.

***

As midterms were coming to a close, so too was the first round of electives. It was time for a new set of classes to start.

The small high school in the middle of Pennsylvania had a system in place regarding elective classes. For the first half of the school year, students would have one set of electives, and for the second half, they would have another. No elective class lasted longer than half a year. Considering that these electives were being taught at a high school level, most of them didn’t even have enough material to last a full year, so all in all it was a well functioning system.

At the end of the first day of this new cycle, Devin headed to his final class, a study hall in the library. He took a scan around the room, saw an empty table in the back, and went to sit there.

Amanda caught a glimpse of him walking toward the table then spoke quietly to Elise so he wouldn’t hear. “This might sound odd, but have you ever noticed that Devin holds his binder like a girl?”

“What?” Elise asked, confused.

“He doesn’t hold it by his side. He carries it in front of him with both hands. He’s like the only guy in school who holds his binder like that.”

“You know, it’s really not nice to talk about someone behind their backs.”

“Yeah, but he’s the only other person in this room that I know… well, kind of. The rest of these people are upperclassmen I’ve never talked to.”

“Doesn’t mean you have to talk about him behind his back.”

“Okay, mom.” Amanda said mockingly.

While the two girls continued to chat the day away, Devin spent most of his study hall watching youtube videos on his phone, making it look like he was working but not really working at all. The irony of study halls is that a lot of the time very little studying actually gets done. Most students just use it as a way to hang out with their friends. In fact, Elise literally changed her class to this study hall just so she could be with her best friend. Elise hadn’t had any classes with Amanda all year and it annoyed her.

It’s never really a productive time.

***

“Look, he’s going off again.”

“Who is?” Elise asked.

“Him.” Amanda pointed toward the guy in question.

“Devin?”

“Yeah, he’s been going off about politics a lot these days.” Amanda explained. “I have no idea what he gets out of it.”

Elise focused harder on Devin, who was currently talking to a few other kids, telling them why Bernie Sanders was not just the best, but the only viable candidate for the 2020 election.

“Weird kid.” Amanda said.

Elise found herself more intrigued by him than anything.

***

The bell had rang, signaling the end of the school day. Devin was completely exhausted right now and just wanted to go home.

As he stood up and walked toward the exit, Elise came over to him.

“Is that a ‘Doctor Who’ shirt?” She asked.

A little shocked, Devin replied “umm… yeah…”

“I love Doctor Who! It’s one of my favorite shows.”

“Umm… mine too.”

“Who’s your favorite doctor?”

“I mean… do I even need to say it?” Devin asked.

Elise continued to wait for a response.

“It’s Tennant, obviously.”

“Oh cool, he’s my favorite too.” Elise said.

“Yeah, he’s a really good actor.”

“Definitely.” Elise replied. “See ya!”

As Elise and him parted ways, Devin thought to himself, “huh that was weird”.

Nevertheless, it was very nice of her. It felt good to have someone like her talk to him. Made him feel recognized and important.

***

Devin didn’t know what had come over him, but it seemed a part of him wanted to make Elise notice him again. He thought it to be a stupid, silly feeling that he probably shouldn’t entertain.

And that’s why he cursed himself when he walked into the library with a “Star Trek” shirt on.

What the hell was he doing? Did Elise even watch “Star Trek”? Even if she did, she’d probably figure out what he was trying to do and either laugh or call him a creep. He was making a damn fool of himself.

Midway through Devin’s walk toward his table, he heard someone say something to him.

It was Elise.

“I like your shirt.”

Devin stopped right in front of her. “You do?”

“Yeah, I think it’s a good shirt. I like ‘Star Trek’.”

“Thanks.”

Devin and Elise stared at each other a little awkwardly for a second.

“Do you mind if I sit here?”

“Go for it.”

Devin laid his binder on the table and took a seat there. And as he did, he was seriously questioning what he was doing. Sitting with a girl he only vaguely knew just because she gave him a few complements. Was he really that desperate? Did it really take that little to make an impression on him? This was not going to end well.

“You know, none of my friends like ‘Star Trek’.” Elise said. “They think it’s boring. They always say the characters ‘talk too much’.”

Devin huffed. “Ryan doesn’t like it either. He thinks it’s boring too.” He paused briefly. “I just… don’t get it. How can people think ‘Star Trek’ is boring? Cheesy, I can understand, but boring? No, they’re clearly missing something.”

“Back in middle school I wore a ‘Star Trek’ shirt once and my friends teased me for it. I don’t think they’d do it now, but I still haven’t worn one since then. I don’t think those old shirts would fit me anymore, anyways.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I don’t usually wear shirts like this either.” Devin said. “Especially band shirts. Never wear band shirts. You will be hounded with questions to make sure you know enough about the band.”

“Music fans are so uptight about that stuff. What’s their deal?”

“Something stupid, I’m sure.”

Elise smiled at Devin’s remark, a line he stole from a SpongeBob episode. Devin had often said he didn’t have a single original idea in his mind, and with forced references like these, he found he was proving himself right.

Regardless, Devin’s face began forming a smile of its own. This was actually going pretty well. Sure, he had only been talking to Elise for a very short time, but he was still happy he hadn’t fucked up within the first few minutes. Maybe he wouldn’t fuck up at all, but he decided it best not to get too ahead of himself. Thoughts like that were dangerous and would only bite him in the ass later on.

***

Devin and Elise had a pretty good conversation going for the next half hour. It seemed they got along well despite barely knowing each other. It was probably too early to consider them friends, but perhaps they could be called acquaintances.

While they were talking, Amanda, who was stuck making up a test for the majority of the period, came into the library, late to the study hall.

She had to hold back a snicker once she saw Elise and Devin at the same table.

“So.” Amanda said as she took a seat. “Elise, what have you dragged in this time?”

“Just some guy.” Elise said. “Why did you even come here? There’s like, only fifteen minutes left.”

“Where else do you expect me to go? I can’t just stay in that room.” Amanda turned toward Devin. “Anyway, what’s up with you?”

Devin reached out his hand. “Hi, I’m Devin. I don’t think we’ve met before.”

“Yes, I know who you are.” Amanda stated dryly. “Mr. LARPsAsAMusicCritic.”

Devin pulled back his hand and pursed his lips at the citing of his YouTube username.

“Just don’t talk about politics, okay?” Amanda told him.

“But politics are important.” Devin replied. “And a lot of these people here don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“Neither do you.” Amanda said.

“Why are you knocking on his interest?” Elise asked. “He’s just trying to express himself.”

“Because politics are dumb.” Amanda answered. “Who cares what old guy becomes president.”

“Now politics is a lot more than just the U.S. presidential election.” Devin explained. “It’s stuff like, why is the U.S. robbing third world countries? Why is the U.S. bombing so many innocent civilians? Why is the U.S. committing genocides in Afghanistan, Palestine, Yemen… and basically every other country in the Middle East and Latin America.”

“See what I mean?” Amanda said. “He can’t help himself but go on these long, stupid rants.”

“I swear Americans are so sheltered.” Devin said harshly.

“You are literally an American.” Amanda replied, annoyed.

“Look Amanda, he just has some strong opinions. And you know, politics are kind of important. They’re the way the world works.”

“I don’t care.” Amanda replied. “It’s all dumb to me.”

Amanda turned her attention to her phone while Elise looked back to Devin. “So, you like Bernie Sanders?”

“Yes.”

“I do too. I feel like he’s the only person up there who really wants to make things better.”

“If I could vote this year, I’d vote for him.” Devin said. “I believe in the ‘lesser of two evils’, and he’s the only Democratic candidate who’s a lesser evil by a significant margin.”

“You really can’t think that the Democrats are the same as Trump.”

“No, Trump is definitely worse, but they’re more similar than you realize.” Devin explained. “Most democrats are basically just republicans. They both support corporate interests and want to bomb and terrorize foreign countries.”

“What about abortion and global warming? They’re way different on that stuff.”

“I don’t think the dems are going to do much to protect abortion or stop global warming.” Devin claimed. “If they actually cared then these things would’ve been solved a long time ago.”

“So what’s your solution? Just let republicans win?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.”

“I mean, what other option do we have?”

“Revolution.” Devin answered.

“What?”

“A socialist revolution. Not ‘socialist’ like Bernie, a real socialist revolution.” Devin said. “Bernie says he’s a socialist, but he’s not. He’s a social democrat. Social democracy is not what we need. No, we need full-on socialism. That is what will save this country.”

Elise was dumbfounded. “You can’t be serious.”

“I am serious.” Devin said, without a hint of uncertainty.

Amanda laughed while Elise struggled for words. “So, okay, you want a bunch of people to come together and do a socialist revolution. But… how?”

“By overthrowing the U.S. government.” Devin explained.

“Man, why can’t more politicians be like this guy?” Amanda asked with a chuckle. “Politicians are so boring. This guy is funny.”

Devin wasn’t sure if he should be offended by that remark so he brushed it off.

“And how do you expect to overthrow the U.S. government?” Elise asked.

Devin paused, thinking over the question in his head.

“That is a good question.” He said.

Elise ran her hands through her head. “I didn’t really care before, but now I kind of don’t want you to talk about politics, because you sound insane.” She said. “Can you promise me that?”

Devin sighed. “I’ll try.”

***

And surprisingly Devin did keep that promise.

From that day forward, at every study hall, Devin sat at that table with those two girls. And as time went on he had to say he was growing quite fond of them. Especially Elise. He found he had a lot of common interests with her. Plus, she was very nice, not to mention pretty.

While he enjoyed talking to Elise and Amanda, he also felt a clear disconnect between himself and them. He didn’t know if they noticed it, but he definitely did. It was like there was an invisible barrier between them that permeated every one of their conversations.

He could find two reasons for this, one smaller and one bigger. The smaller reason was that he hadn’t known the two girls for nearly as long as they had known each other. Even though his graduating class only consisted of about one hundred twenty people, he hadn’t ever really spoken to Elise or Amanda in the past ten and a half years they had all went to this school district. Obviously they weren’t going to be close to him if they didn’t know him very well. And they were best friends too. Both having brown hair and brown eyes, they even looked like they belonged together.

But then there was the bigger reason, the one that stuck itself in his mind the most, and it was the simple fact that he was a guy, and they were girls.

Devin had a feeling that if he was a girl, he’d be closer to Elise and Amanda, even with them only having known each other for a short time. He couldn’t prove it, but he had a feeling.

It was just a simple truth of his life, and his male status. As a guy, there’d always be a few layers of separation between him and any girl.

Not like that bothered him, of course. He didn’t care.

It… didn’t bother him, right?

No, that’d be ridiculous. What guy even thinks about this kind of stuff? He should be happy for what he has and not demand more.

He should be grateful, not greedy.

***

“Can’t believe track season’s already coming up.” Amanda said.

“You excited?” Elise asked.

“I have no idea. I love running, but I also hate it. It’s like an abusive relationship.”

“You still doing sprints?”

“Of course, it’s the only thing I can do.”

“Maybe you could try pole vaulting.”

“Pfft.” Amanda scoffed.

Elise looked over to Devin, who was on his phone, not paying attention to them.

“Hey Devin, why don’t you join Track?”

Devin looked up and put his phone down. “Huh?”

“Track.” Elise repeated. “You should join it. I think you’d like it.”

“You want me to join track?”

“Well, she does.” Amanda said. “I could care less.”

Devin corrected her. “Actually, it’s ‘couldn’t care less’.”

Amanda stared into Devin’s eyes. “Thanks.” She said sarcastically.

Devin turned back to Elise. “I just think Track would be good for you.” She said to him.

Amanda nearly did a spit take of her drink when she heard Elise’s words.

“It probably would be.” Devin agreed. “But I can’t run. I have asthma.”

“I know another person on the team who has asthma. That didn’t stop them.”

Amanda had to force herself to stay quiet. She wasn’t exactly shocked, but she still didn’t like what she was seeing. Or hearing, for that matter, as it was Elise’s tone that really stood out to her in a bad way. Elise wasn’t talking to Devin like he was a new friend that she met a few weeks ago. No, she was talking to him like some kind of affectionate girlfriend looking out for his well being.

“That’s uh, reassuring, I guess… but I’m still not doing it. I can’t play sports for shit. My parents gave up trying to make me do them once I got into Junior High.”

“Doesn’t your friend Ryan do track though?” Elise asked. “I bet he’d like it if you joined.”

Or more accurately, Elise would like it if he joined, Amanda thought.

“I think I spend enough time with him already.” Devin grinned.

“Okay… if you say so.” Elise said.

Amanda quietly sighed. It seemed Elise had latched onto another guy. Man, she really wanted him to do track, didn’t she? Inwardly, Amanda cringed at some of Elise’s word choices. ‘Good for you’, seriously?

It wasn’t like these developments were one sided either. Amanda had seen the way Devin looked at Elise recently, and she really didn’t like it. It was very clear that he was interested in her more than as a friend. Originally, Amanda thought nothing would come of that. Devin would ask Elise out, she’d decline, and that would be it. But if Elise was feeling something for him, then Amanda might have to start seeing Devin regularly.

Oh, joy.

Once the bell rang to signal the end of the school day, Amanda followed Elise to her locker. It was good luck that their lockers weren’t very far apart.

“What happened to not needing a boyfriend?” Amanda asked.

“What?”

“Oh don’t play stupid with me. I heard the way you talked to him. ‘Oh, Devin, please join track with me’.” She said in a mocking voice.

“Shut up.” Elise gave Amanda a playful punch. “I was just being nice.”

“A little too nice.” Amanda replied. “I can see the way he looks at you. He’s crushing on you pretty hard.”

“He probably is.”

“Yeah, and you talking like that is only going to encourage him.”

“You’re probably right.”

“So, are you going to stop?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wonderful.” Amanda breathed.

***

Today was a rather unusual day for Devin, mainly because he was actually using the study hall for its intended purpose, to study and do homework. With a notebook, pencil, and iPad out, he spent most of the period doing math homework.

“What math class are you in?” Elise asked.

“Algebra II.” Devin answered without looking up.

“Cool, that’s the one I’m in too.” Elise said. “With Mr. Berman?”

“Yep.” Devin said. “He’s a… he’s an odd one. He’s always talking to those guys who play football and basketball and stuff like he’s best buds with them. It’s weird.”

“He acts like a teenager.” Elise added. “I don’t even do his homework, I just copy paste the problems. He never checks it.”

“Yeah, and you can get away with that if you never talk to him. The only people’s homework he actually checks are the ones he’s constantly joking around with.” Devin said. “The ones that openly say they copy paste it.”

“Guess it’s the price of being his friend.” Elise replied.

“Yeah, I guess.”

Elise couldn’t see what Devin was doing in his notebook, as his iPad obstructed her view, but Amanda could see everything in it pretty clearly. And once she took a look at it, she leaned her head forward a bit and squinted her eyes.

The page she was looking at did have some math equations, but it was also full of random doodles and sketches. There were a ton of swirls and looping shapes, and it didn’t even end there. There was also a part of the page that consisted of the numbers zero through nine written in various different forms. And another part of the page that looked like a list of episodes of a TV show, all in a numbered order.

It was a strange thing to look at. Usually when Amanda saw doodles in notebooks, they were clear drawings. Not a bunch of random shapes spread out alongside some numbers and lists.

Devin must’ve noticed Amanda looking, as he soon used his hand to cover up his notebook. She then averted her eyes and said nothing to him.

Devin really was a weird kid, wasn’t he?

“You ever think of joining computer club?” Devin asked Elise.

“I’m not into computers.” Elise answered.

“That’s too bad. I think you’d like it.”

“If I’m not into computers then why would I like it?”

“Well… there’s a trip we take every year, and I think you’d like going.”

“Where are you going this year?”

“Baltimore, probably.”

“Okay… I’ll, uh, think about it.”

“Great.”

Devin and Elise looked into each other’s eyes for just a bit too long. Devin even did what best could be described as a short, half giggle before they resumed talking.

They may as well be dating already, Amanda thought.

From her perspective, they were hitting almost every romantic cliché in the book. The only thing missing was Devin speaking in incoherent love babblings and Elise finding it charming. But thankfully, they both spared Amanda from having to see that.

***

Pacing around outside had become one of Devin’s biggest habits over the years. His parents often asked why he did it, and he could never come up with a solid answer. At least, he couldn’t put his answer into words. In truth, he simply found it as a way to get all his thoughts in order and destress himself, but he didn’t know how or why that was the case. It just was.

In a place like Pennsylvania it got dark pretty quick in the winter months, so Devin only had so long to pace around before nightfall. The cold didn’t really bother him too much, and the wind was pretty calm today so hopefully his parents wouldn’t complain about him getting himself sick by being outside.

While pacing, all of his thoughts were focused on one person, Elise. There was something about that girl that sparked flames of passion within him. He didn’t just like talking to her and being around her, no, the very thought of her was enough to bring joy to his mind.

God, he had fallen in love with her.

It was a most unfortunate development. Devin had never felt this way about anyone before, and he wasn’t sure how to handle it. Elise was single at the moment so, should he… talk to her about it? She seemed to like him fine. Really, what’s the worst that could happen?

No, that probably wasn’t a good idea. He might come off as pushy, or a creep. And besides, how could Elise possibly love him back? Devin had such a hideous body that would be repulsive to most people, at least according to him.

There were a lot of things about Devin’s body that could be changed and improved to make it less intolerable to exist in. His body hair could be lighter, thinner, and grow back less fast. His face could be softer and nicer looking. His feet could be less huge and more graceful. His skin could be smoother, and not the coarse, leathery covering he was used to. Really, he could go on all day.

Devin recalled a tweet he had seen on twitter a while back, which called for all men to have mandatory vasectomies until they’re ready to have children. It was meant to make the point that restricting abortion access, or making abortions illegal was authoritarian and dangerous as women shouldn’t have to have their bodies controlled by the government, but there was another way that Devin saw this tweet, which he kept only to himself.

If this hypothetical tweet was reality and all men were required to undergo vasectomies, Devin would be upset, but not because his body would be under government control. No, it was because he didn’t want a vasectomy, he wanted a castration.

He didn’t even understand why someone would want a vasectomy if it wasn’t permanent and didn’t actually remove the testicles from the body. If it was reversible then what was the point? If all men had to undergo mandatory castrations unless they were sure they wanted kids, then Devin would happily oblige. He’d probably be first in line, ready to tell every man in the world that giving up your penis and testicles was the best possible thing you could do.

That was a bit of a weird tangent. His mind had a nasty habit of veering into bad, dangerous territory like that. He should just forget all this stuff about his body and genitals and focus back on what he was originally thinking about, Elise, the one that he loved.

Could she ever love him back?

***

Sitting on his bed, Devin had a chair in front of him alongside a piece of paper that said “Elise Gerding”. He had to have some visible frame of reference for Elise to do this, even if it was a bad one.

“I know we don’t know each other well, but… no, that’s too obvious. Hey, why don’t you and me go out sometime. We can go to a restaurant or the movies or… no, that sounds too pushy. Umm… hey, I was thinking that we could hang out somewhere and maybe see something. Any place you like we can go…”

Devin stopped mid-sentence.

He stayed in his bed and did nothing for a while, just staring at the piece of paper in front of him. Then he took that piece of paper, crumbled it up, and threw it on the ground.

“What the hell am I doing?” He asked himself. “I’m talking to a piece of paper.”

He highly doubted his methods were actually of any help to him. Why did this have to be so hard? Every single thing he could think to say to Elise sounded incomprehensily stupid when he put it to words.

Maybe he should go to his parents for help.

As Devin stood up and walked toward the door, his train of thought changed.

No, that was a terrible idea. He didn’t want to tell them he was crushing on a girl. He’d probably have to hear some hour-long lecture on relationships and love and all that stuff. Plus, he imagined his parents would constantly try to talk to him about it, and he didn’t want that.

Devin turned and collapsed onto his bed. There really was no easy way to do this. And just thinking about it was stressing him out. But he also knew that if he didn’t ask Elise out, he'd forever feel like he missed out on a huge opportunity, and he’d never be able to live it down.

You are reading story Shame and Desire at novel35.com

“You know what?” Devin said. “I’m just going to wing it. Improvise the whole thing. What’s the worst that could happen?”

***

Devin took a deep breath as he walked into the library. He was so nervous he felt like his body was going to shut down.

He failed to hide his shaking as he sat down at his table.

“A little shaky today, aren’t we?” Amanda asked him.

Devin slowly and silently nodded his head.

“Are you okay?” Elise asked in a curious tone.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” Devin said. “It’s just uh…”

Devin’s fear overtook him and he stopped talking.

“What? What is it?” Elise asked.

Devin gulped. This was it. This was when he had to make his move. He already looked enough like an idiot already, it’s not like he could make himself look any worse. This was his one shot. It was now or never.

“I was just thinking… are you free this friday?”

“Yes?” Elise answered, confused.

“Well then, would you like to catch a movie with me this friday night?”

Amanda let out an audible huff as Elise furrowed her eyebrows. “So… you’re asking me out on a date?”

“What? No, it’s not a date.” Devin said. “It’s just a… social… gathering.”

“With two people?”

“Yes…” Devin hesitated. “I mean… look, it's not a date.”

“It sure sounds like a date.” Elise said.

“Well, it’s not.”

“You were really nervous when asking her to go with you on this ‘not a date’.” Amanda pointed out. “I don’t think you actually believe this isn’t a date.”

“I…” Devin grumbled. “Listen to me, okay? This. Is. Not. A. Date.”

“Don’t buy it.” Amanda said. “Also jeez, you don’t need to get all pissy about it.”

“I’m not getting…” Devin stopped to calm himself down. “Okay, maybe I need to take a few minutes to chill out.”

“You think?”

Elise became annoyed. “Shut up Amanda.” She said. “Don’t be an ass.”

“How am I ‘being an ass’? I’m just responding to him.”

“Yeah, like a smartass.”

“You’re one to talk.” Amanda said. “You act way more like a smartass than me.”

Watching the two girls fight, Devin began feeling a bit guilty. It seemed he was making everyone here angry. He really didn’t like watching them be mad at each other, and he couldn’t help but think he was the one who initiated their fight in the first place.

He nervously chuckled. “I guess I got everyone here riled up, didn’t I?”

“You sure did.” Amanda replied.

Elise gave Amanda a side glare, which she returned with a slight smile.

“I’m… really sorry. I guess I should’ve come a bit more prepared.” Devin said.

“No, you’re fine.” Elise replied. “It’s a hard thing to try and say, I understand.”

Elise and Devin looked deeply into each other’s eyes for a brief moment.

“So…” Devin coughed. “Would you like to go to that movie with me?”

Elise continued to stare blankly, silent for another small span of time. It took a while for her to answer that question. It was a difficult thing to consider, since spending one night with this guy would only increase the chances of her spending another night with him, then another.

Did she want that?

No matter what Devin said, there was a distinct possibility that this night would play out similarly to a date. And Elise was sure Devin knew that, at the back of his mind.

Would that be a bad thing?

The craziest part to all of this was that a date with Devin didn’t actually sound that bad to Elise.

Maybe this was worth trying out. Elise was still very unsure about this whole ordeal, but in the end, after thinking it over, she came to say…

“Yes.”

Devin had a completely dumbfounded expression on his face. He stared at Elise like she had grown three heads. It must have been a funny looking face, because it made Elise giggle. And to Devin, it was a very charming giggle. One that made him giggle himself, as well as turn his cheeks beet red.

The cheesy exchange almost made Amanda roll her eyes, but she was able to hold it back.

***

The next few minutes saw Devin and Elise share each other’s contact information and set up a specific time they’d leave and go to the theater. Since there was only one theater that was reasonably close by, picking a location was pretty easy.

After all that was done, the three spent the rest of the study hall not talking much. Amanda and Elise made a few comments toward each other, and seemed to have overcome their little spat from earlier, but they mostly stayed quiet.

Devin in particular didn’t speak at all for the rest of the study hall. He was still shocked that a girl agreed to spend a night with him at all. Especially one as pretty and nice as Elise. It felt surreal, almost as if it was too good to be true, and he was dreaming it.

He almost took the cliché response and pinched himself, but he instead opted to take the slightly less cliché response and slapped himself in the face. It may have gotten him a brief funny look from Amanda and Elise, but at least he confirmed he wasn’t dreaming.

When class ended and Devin went to the bus to go home, he began falling into a trance, where all he could think about was Elise, and how beautiful she was. By all accounts, he was completely smitten with her, and having never even expected a feeling like this to ever come over him, he was overwhelmed.

Was this what love felt like? It was incredible! How could something possibly feel so good? This was the best that Devin had ever felt in his life.

Except… something was wrong.

He didn’t know what, but he knew something was wrong, and he knew that because the dull, grey fog that seemingly permeated his entire life was still there, stuck around him like some kind of vacuum sucking up his soul.

It hadn’t left. Even when he felt as good as he did now, it hadn’t left. Even on his happiest and best of days, it was still around.

Was this the fate he was doomed to have for the rest of his life?

He didn’t know why he always felt so miserable and depressed, it just seemed to be a constant state in his life. Like air, it would always be there, by his side.

Devin had always thought that one day he would kill himself, but that day never came, and maybe it never would.

It was a very depressing reality, how death could almost be preferable to living in such an unbearable state of existence.

***

Friday arrived before Devin even knew it. He thought he’d have some time to mentally prepare before the big movie theater date (“no, not a date”, his mind reminded him), but through procrastination and a bad sense of time, that just wasn’t the case.

He was about to ask his father to drive him back home, but it was too late. His car was already out of the driveway.

Devin crossed his arms and shivered. The February weather was relentlessly cold that night, and it only made his tenseness even worse. His coat, hat, and gloves couldn’t stop him from feeling the chills through his skin.

He may have been nervous, but he had to ring the doorbell soon. If he stayed out here too long he might freeze to death.

He hoped Elise didn’t give him the wrong address.

***

“Elise, is this the boy you were talking about?”

Elise looked up from her phone to see her father staring out the window.

“Yes Dad, that’s him.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to let some stranger in the house.” He said. “Why don’t you come up and look?”

Elise got up from her chair and went to the living room, where out the window she saw a teenage boy with heavy winter clothing on, pacing back and forth. She immediately recognized the face.

“Yes, that’s Devin.” Elise said. She was about to go open the door before her father stopped her.

“I’m going to open this door myself, okay?”

“Fine.” Elise replied, annoyed. “Don’t scare him.”

“Scare him? He’s lucky I’m not just leaving him out in the cold.”

Elise rolled her eyes with a quiet groan.

***

Ronald Gerding opened the front door with way more force than was needed. He was soon met with the harsh cold, as well as Devin looking right at him.

“You’re here to take my daughter on a date?”

Devin opened his mouth to say something but nothing would come out. Looking at this man he felt an overwhelming sense of intimidation. The kind that made him want to cower in his room, away from the world.

“Well? Are you mute?” Ronald asked. “Are you here for my daughter or not?”

Regaining some motion, Devin slowly nodded his head.

“Alright then, come inside. And don’t leave my sight.” Ronald commanded.

Devin didn’t move for a bit, instead choosing to stand still and stare at Ronald. But eventually he started to take some slow steps toward the door and inside the house. Internally, he was almost starting to regret asking Elise to spend this night out with him, but he wasn’t about to let himself fall into that line of thinking. No, an overprotective father was not going to stop him from enjoying this night.

When Devin went in the house, he was greeted with the instant rush of warm air, which he found very relieving.

Entering the living room he saw none other than the girl herself, Elise Gerding. All dressed up in… well, normal clothes but that didn’t detract from her beauty.

Unfortunately Devin noticed that Elise had a pretty sour and irritated expression on her face. Upon seeing this, his whole body flashed with guilt and he instinctively moved his head down.

Already he had messed up. First night ever out with a girl and he had already messed up. What a screw up he was. He couldn’t do anything right.

As Devin walked toward the other side of the room, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Elise’s head was not turning to follow him. He raised his own head and saw Elise glaring… at her father.

Oh.

“Put your coat on.” Ronald said to her coldly.

Elise walked out of the living room without a word. Devin took a seat on one of the couches, and looked right to Ronald.

“You behave yourself tonight, okay?”

Devin nodded his head.

“Do you like, talk?” Ronald asked him. “Are you seriously mute?”

Devin shook his head. ‘No’.

“Okay… but I’m serious. You better behave yourself tonight.”

Devin once again nodded his head, completely silent. Wow, this was awkward. Really awkward.

There was something about this man that made him lose his voice. He didn’t know if it was his tone, his demeanor, or just the general vibe he gave off, but he was just a very intimidating man.

Devin continued to sit on that couch for a few more minutes while Elise put on all her winter clothes.

***

The drive to the theater was even more awkward than the arrival to the house.

Not a word was uttered by anyone in the car. Ronald and Elise were both really mad, and for Devin it was so uncomfortable that he began fidgeting his fingers and rocking his leg, things he usually did when he got nervous.

Devin never thought he’d ever be in a situation like this. It was… really weird to explain, but being a guy out on a night with a girl who had a very overprotective father was never a situation he imagined he’d be in, and it wasn’t for the reason one would expect.

With how many of those cheesy TG stories Devin had read, he had always imagined himself as being the girl here. The one who was asked out by the guy. The one who went out with the guy. The one with the overprotective father constantly trying to protect her.

The girl who was transformed through a forced sex change.

It was an impossible prospect, but somehow it felt more likely and… right than being the guy.

In fact, Devin had even imagined himself as becoming a cheerleader, and dating one of the football guys. Together they would be the epitome of high school popularity, as well as one of the most clichéd youth relationship dynamics of all time.

Devin had wondered if these fantasies of his made him gay. If he got enjoyment from imagining being with a guy, then that was gay, right? But, for some reason it didn’t feel gay. Probably because, in these fantasies, he was imagining himself from the girl’s perspective, and a girl liking a guy was not gay.

Devin had never really thought much about his sexuality before, but since he had in the past experienced attraction to both men and women, he guessed he was bi.

Actually, when he thought about it, it was kind of weird that he was out with a girl rather than a guy, as he probably experienced more attraction to guys than girls, but Elise was so great that it didn’t matter.

Thinking about all this was really pleasant, and almost made Devin forget the horribly tense atmosphere that surrounded him. That was the power of the mind, he supposed.

It also seemed that even he was now thinking of this night as a date, and he was caring less and less about keeping his mind in check.

***

“You get two and a half hours.” Ronald said with Devin and Elise out of the car. “No more. You understand?”

“Yes, dad.” Elise said in a monotone voice.

Ronald turned to Devin, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, I understand sir.”

“So you can talk after all?” Ronald said. “And calling me sir too? Your parents must’ve raised you well.”

Devin nodded his head.

“Alright then, get inside that theater there, I don’t want you to freeze to death.” Ronald told them. “I’m leaving now. Good bye.”

“Bye.” Elise said as he pulled out of the parking spot.

Once Ronald was out of earshot, Devin and Elise began walking toward the theater.

“God, is he always like that?” Devin asked.

“Like what?”

“Like, I don’t know, that stingy.”

“Stingy?” Elise said back. “I wouldn’t really call him stingy. He’s more of a hard-ass.”

“I guess.” Devin replied. “I feel like he was staring into my soul. It was weird.”

“Oh, he did that with all my past boyfriends too.” Elise said. “Not like you’re my boyfriend or anything.” She quickly added.

“Of course not. This is not a date.” Devin said, not only to convince Elise but to convince himself as well.

Elise tried to change the subject. “How did your parents react to this?”

“I didn’t tell them until yesterday.” Devin answered. “And they kind of freaked out. They got mad at me for not telling them sooner and they treated it like it was a date, even though it’s not and I told them it’s not.”

“Sounds like my parents too, except for my dad.” Elise said. “He’s one of those dads who wants to scare off any boy I have over by showing them his shotgun collection.”

“Yeah, I noticed.” Devin laughed.

Devin and Elise continued walking until they reached the front entrance. It was then that they began to see all the different posters displayed in front of the theater.

“You know.” Devin said. “Maybe we should’ve picked out what we were going to watch before we came here.”

“Yeah…” Elise said as she scanned her eyes around the wall of posters. “Oh, look, the Sonic movie is out today. Do you want to see that?”

Devin held his head up and laughed. “No.” He said flatly.

“Not even with the changed design?” Elise asked with a grin.

“I seriously doubt it’s a good movie.” Devin said. “Looks like another cheap adventure romp with some random guy and a CGI character from a known property learning about ‘the value of friendship’ and all that other shit.”

“So cynical.” Elise murmured.

“Yeah, well, I’ve seen too many movies.”

“Okay…” Elise’s eyes trailed off. “What about… that one?”

Devin turned to where Elise was pointing at.

“Fantasy Island? I’ll look it up.” Devin put the title into google and immediately laughed upon seeing the results. “Yeah, no.”

“Why?”

Devin showed Elise the film’s abysmally low review scores.

“Maybe it’s one of those ‘so bad it’s good movies?”

“Wanna chance it?”

Elise groaned. “You know what, I’m already tired of this.” She scanned her eyes around the wall again. “We’re watching ‘Birds of Prey’ and that’s final.”

“Alright…” Devin said. “That’s fine.”

***

Devin and Elise bought the tickets and sat down on one of the benches inside the building.

“When’s the next show time?” Elise asked.

“Twenty minutes.”

“Twenty minutes? Are we even going to have enough time to watch the movie?”

“I think so.” Devin replied. “The film is just under two hours long.”

Elise sighed. “I just wish my dad wasn’t so stern with this stuff.”

“You mean with… guys?”

“Yeah. It’s so uncomfortable.” She said.

Devin grinned. “Don’t worry, my parents can make me pretty uncomfortable too.”

“It can’t be as bad.”

“It probably isn’t.” He agreed. “But earlier today, when I got back home from school, my father gave me a long list of things to say to a girl.”

“What did he say?”

“A bunch of stupid shit.” Devin answered. “He told me I needed a good pick-up line but all his suggestions were garbage.”

He continued. “One of them was ‘your heart is in my soul’ and I was thinking ‘Christ, that’s the definition of trying too hard’.”

Elise giggled. “What does that even mean?”

“That’s what I thought too!” Devin exclaimed. “And like I’d take any advice from him, anyway. He told me once that when he was in high school, he actually re-enacted that ‘Say Anything’ scene where he held a boombox over his head at a girl’s house. And he did that on the first date.”

“My god.” Elise shook her head.

“Yeah, apparently her father answered the door and told him that she said to never come near her house again.”

The two both laughed.

“I swear he had no shame when he was a teen. He has a lot of funny stories from back then.” Devin said. “I think some of them might be made up. But I can totally picture him actually doing this stuff.”

Elise smiled. “Did your mom ever witness this?”

“No, my parents didn’t meet until college.” Devin responded. “By then he had matured, at least I hope he did.”

“My dad doesn’t really tell me stories from when he was younger.” Elise said. “My mom does though, sometimes. She said that she always tried to find a guy who was a good dancer.”

“Why?”

“I think because one time a guy did embarrassing dance moves with her.”

“A guy who can’t dance isn’t exactly uncommon.” Devin retorted.

“Well, I think she said she was like thirteen when it happened.” Elise explained.

“Thirteen?” Devin asked. “What was that, a middle school dance? Of course everyone’s dance moves were embarrassing.”

“Yeah, well, she still said she wanted a guy who was a good dancer.”

“Your mother is weird.”

“Both of our parents are weird.”

“Yeah.”

Devin and Elise shared a few chuckles. Devin then checked his phone.

“We should probably get going.” He said.

“Alright.” Elise stood up. “Which theater is it?”

“It’s the third one down, I think.”

“Okay.” Elise replied. “By the way, I like your outfit.”

Devin looked down at his plaid button up shirt and khakis. “Oh… you do?”

“Yeah, you seemed to want to dress nice today.” She said. “You sure this isn’t a date?”

Devin’s face turned red. “Well… I mean…”

Elise giggled. “You dork.”

Her giggling must have been contagious since pretty soon Devin was giggling too. He was being a bit of a dork, wasn’t he? Dressing up for a night like this. Elise was just wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants. He probably should’ve followed her lead instead of trying to be fancy.

But still, her teasing was all done in good natured fun, and Devin even had a smile on his face as he and Elise entered the theater. The night was a bit awkward at the start, but things finally seemed to be picking up and Devin was beginning to feel a strong connection to Elise.

***

Most of the back row seats had already been taken, so Devin and Elise settled with sitting in one of the empty center rows in the theater. It left them with a pretty good view of the screen, even if it wasn’t ideal.

After the obligatory onslaught of ads telling people to turn off their cell phones, the movie finally began. And for the most part, Devin and Elise enjoyed it. Not a masterpiece, but it was worth the watch. Devin in particular noted how it was one of the better DCU films, and was certainly an improvement over “Suicide Squad”, a film which he despised.

Sometime, during the movie, Elise rested her head on Devin’s shoulder. She didn’t exactly know why the desire to do so came over her, it just did and she obliged.

Truthfully, it felt pretty good to rest on the boy’s shoulder. It was nice, and it made her feel warm. It was a very cozy place, and she almost wanted to stay there forever.

A thought came over her, was she rushing into this too quickly? Maybe, but so was Devin. They could both rush into this together. Who knows? It might be fun.

Out of the corner of her eye, Elise noticed Devin’s hand slowly rise up into the air and then stop. It looked like Devin was contemplating whether or not to put his arm around her back.

Eventually he did, and Elise gave out a silent laugh. It seemed she had encouraged him. It was kind of strange how gentle Devin was, considering his strong advocacy for a violent revolution against the ruling class. At the same time though, Amanda did once joke about him being someone who constantly talks about violent action and then is too scared to tell an employee they got their order wrong, and if Elise was brutally honest, he did kind of give off that vibe.

Not like she minded, though.

Elise felt Devin give her shoulder a light squeeze, and she immediately smiled. This night was turning out much better than expected.

***

When the credits began rolling, Devin and Elise left the theater. There might have been a post credits scene, but they weren’t really interested. They could probably watch it on YouTube, anyway.

“I thought that was good.” Devin said once he was out of the theater. “Probably a seven or an eight out of ten.”

“I liked it too.” Elise replied. “Much better than ‘Suicide Squad’.”

“Pfft. Not even a contest.”

“Yeah, really.”

The two teenagers continued to talk about the movie until they reached the front of the building, where they sat on the same bench they did when they first arrived.

“Did you enjoy tonight?” Devin asked.

“It was great! Even if my dad was a weirdo.”

“Yeah, well there’s not much we can do about that.”

“I just hope he’s not like this next time.”

Devin gulped. “Next time?” He asked, perplexed.

“Yes.” Elise smiled. “I mean, I’m sure you want to do this again sometime, right?”

Devin stared at Elise blankly for a moment.

“Yes, of course.” He ended up saying.

“Great!” Elise replied.

The next few seconds Devin wasn’t sure what to say, or what to do either. This girl had just said she wanted to do this again? Hang out with him again? How was that even possible? Was he really about to “get serious” with her? He really wanted to, but he always imagined that to be a pipe dream. Was it actually going to become reality?

Elise saw Devin’s befuddlement, and laughed playfully at it. Man, she really liked messing with this kid, didn’t she? He reminded her of what she was like during her first love. Shocked, bewildered, and confused. Throughout the years Elise had become more adept at dealing with the feelings love brought on, but the beginnings of a relationship still always left her cheerful and giddy.

After a while, Elise stood up and beckoned Devin to follow her.

“Why don’t we go outside for a bit?” She said.

“It’s really cold out there.”

“So? My dad will probably be here soon.”

That sounded like a pretty sensible argument, Devin thought.

“Okay.” He said before following her out the door.

Elise and him went out into the cold, where they both reached a wall and laid their backs on it. They were shivering really hard.

“Maybe we should have waited inside.” Elise said.

“You think?” Devin asked dryly as he shivered. “This was a horrible idea. I don’t know why I agreed to it.”

“Hey, shut up.” Elise punched Devin’s shoulder.

He laughed. “If it makes you feel better, I do think you look great tonight.”

Elise shook her head. “Trying too hard.”

“Hey, listen. You gave me one compliment on my looks tonight, I think I have the right to give you one compliment on yours.”

“Oh, is that how this works now?”

“Yep.” Devin said. “Don’t worry, I’ll refrain from giving you any more compliments, but I should warn you that it will be very difficult.”

The pair went silent for a few seconds before laughing.

“This is stupid.”

“I know.” Elise said.

“And I’m still cold.” Devin complained. “Any way to make us less cold?”

“How about this?”

Elise went up and wrapped her arms around Devin’s waist.

Devin, surprised, tried to say something to her, but he found he couldn’t. He was once again without words. Everything that came out of his mouth was incomprehensible to the human ear.

“Love babbling cliché”, Elise thought to herself.

Devin stopped trying to speak after a while. What he did next was something that would forever shake him to his very core. For years he would have no idea how or why he got the motivation to do what he did.

He kissed her.

His lips went down to meet hers and his heart burned with passion. It was a sweet, intoxicating kiss. He almost wanted it to last forever. How could a kiss feel so good? He closed his eyes and basked in the feeling.

Elise was enjoying it, too. She had definitely encouraged him to do this, and she couldn’t be happier. Their tongues even touched and danced in each other’s mouths.

Eventually, Devin pulled his head away from Elise’s, and his blue eyes met her brown ones in a deep stare.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” Devin asked her.

The question was very blunt, mainly because Devin didn’t know how else to ask it. And the sheer bluntness of it caused both Devin and Elise to begin laughing.

“I’m pretty bad at this.” He remarked.

“I wasn’t much better at my first date either.”

Devin was relieved of a bit of his tension after that was said.

“But seriously, will you?”

Elise bit her lip, considering that question and all that it could lead to. In the end though, she did not find it at all hard to answer.

“Yes.”

Devin immediately smiled the most genuine smile he ever had in his life before hugging Elise tight to give her one last kiss. It was as if a dream of his had come true. He couldn’t believe his good luck. Elise was now his first love.

This was sure to be an experience to remember.

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