Shame and Desire

Chapter 44: Chapter 44


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Elise rang the doorbell to her house and saw that Devin’s face was red and his body was shaking.

“Don’t die of a heat stroke out here.” She said to him.

“Sorry. I’m just nervous.”

“Yeah, I can see.” Elise said. “I think we should let your body breathe a bit when we go inside. We’ll head to my room and take that sweatshirt off.”

“Do you think they’ll let us close the door?”

“If they don’t I’ll make sure to cover you.”

“Thanks.” Devin replied.

It wasn’t long after their short conversation that Ronald opened the front door. After he did he took an odd look at Devin’s large hoodie.

“Are you trying to sweat to death, son?”

“Uh…” Devin hesitated for just a bit. “I’m cold.”

Ronald mumbled under his breath, “kids these days”, before opening the door to let the young couple inside. Devin walked in and felt the immediate relief of cool air. He took a relaxed breath.

“We’ll be leaving at 3.” Ronald said. “Make sure you know everything you’re going to say.”

“Yes, I already have everything in order.” Devin said confidently.

Devin and Elise proceeded to make their way up to Elise’s bedroom. Ronald eyed them for a bit, contemplating whether or not to prevent them from being in there together alone. He eventually decided against it, trusting them enough to behave themselves.

***

Elise shut the door to her room while Devin plopped down on one of her swivel chairs.

“This chair is a lot better than the one I have.” Devin said as he threw his sweatshirt off.

“Well, I like making myself comfortable.” Elise said.

“How comfortable?” Devin asked with a smile.

Elise simply grinned as she sat together with Devin on the seat and met his lips.

Devin lightly pushed her away while laughing. “Stop.” He said playfully. “This is exactly why your parents didn’t want us up here alone.”

Elise giggled and went in for another kiss. The two made out on the chair for a full few seconds before being interrupted by the closet doors suddenly opening.

“SURPRISE!”

The two lovers suddenly turned toward the noise, only to find Emma standing in the closet with a devilish smile on her face. That smile soon faded, however.

Elise, being startled by Emma’s reveal, had involuntarily moved away from the front of Devin’s body, and this change in position gave Emma a clear view of the two mounds of flesh protruding from Devin’s chest, as well as the bra strap that was showing on his shoulder.

There was a very awkward atmosphere in the room as the three teenagers stared at each other. Even though it felt like hours, it was probably only a few seconds afterward that Elise spoke up, finally breaking the silence.

“Emma, how many times do I have to tell you not to come in my room!?”

Usually Emma would shoot back with a snide remark or whine about how much better Elise’s room was, but not this time. She simply stood there, too shocked to move.

“GET OUT!”

Emma slowly walked out of the closet and to the door. But just as she was about to leave, Devin… Sierra said something that would shock everyone in the room, especially herself.

“No Emma, stay in here.”

Emma turned toward the two lovers sitting in the chair, a look of confusion spreading on her face.

“Devin, you do realize this is my room, right?” Elise said. “And since this is my room, I should be the one who dictates who stays and leaves.”

“I know, I know.” Sierra said. “I’ll pay you back later, but this is my fault too for letting my guard down. I’ve been doing that too much recently. She’s already seen enough, I think she should be told about this.”

Elise and Emma looked at each other, neither one saying nor doing anything except wearing expressions of contemplation on their faces.

After a while, Elise nodded her head at Emma, to which she took a seat on Elise’s bed.

“Oh, by the way, Elise.” Sierra said, a bit meekly. “It’s Sierra.”

Emma’s eyes grew wide at the sound of the feminine name Sierra had given herself.

“My bad, Sierra.” Elise said. “I’ll try to be better with that.”

Sierra nodded, then turned toward Emma, who was now starting to look considerably more relaxed. This, in turn, made Sierra more relaxed as well.

Sierra’s initial shock at what she was doing was slowly dying down. She was definitely taking a risk doing this, but at the same time she felt it needed to be done. It seemed that after agreeing to go on that amusement park trip alongside Amanda, she had become more open to telling people about her identity. And in a case like this, where Emma had seen her body firsthand, she believed it to be a necessity.

“First off.” Elise started. “I’m serious about you coming in my room without my permission. Please stop doing it.”

Emma, finally finding her voice, groaned. “Okay.”

“I mean it.” Elise repeated.

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Emma stuck her tongue out.

“I swear you do not act your age. You act way younger than you are.”

“Alright.” Sierra said, interrupting the two sisters’ minor spat. “Let’s get focused here.”

Sierra took a moment to gather her thoughts as she prepared for what she was about to say.

“So, I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” She said. “Like, ‘why do you have breasts’ or ‘why do you have a bra’. Well, the answer is kind of long…”

“Klinefelter’s.” Emma said. “Do you have Klinefelter’s?”

Sierra, a bit puzzled, answered “uh… no, I don’t.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, umm… so, for the past eight months, I’ve been ordering some pills online. And-”

“Is that legal?” Emma interrupted.

“Probably not.” Sierra answered. “Anyway, like I was saying, I’ve been ordering some pills online which are meant to decrease male hormones and increase female ones.”

“Oh my god.” Emma replied.

“What?”

“My sister is dating a tranny!?”

Sierra cringed as Elise grew irate. “Don’t call her that!”

“Well that’s what he is.” Emma said, putting extra emphasis on “he”.

“No, she is not. That’s an offensive term, stop saying it.”

“Ugh… fine.” Emma groaned. “So you want to be a girl. You want to be a girl so much that you ordered illegal stuff off the internet. But why do you want to be a girl?”

“I…” Sierra stumbled upon her words. Truthfully she didn’t know the answer to this question. The only thing she could come up with was that being male was an unbearable state of existence for her, which wasn’t an answer most people seemed to be satisfied with.

“Because… I didn’t like being a guy.” Sierra answered. “It was… it was the body. It was so disgusting. So hideous. The black, thick body hair, the strong jawline, the deep voice, the awful smell, the constant fear of a receding hairline, and that… horrid thing between my legs. It made me want to throw up. I couldn’t take it. It was so bad I became numb to it. Pretended it didn’t bother me at all.”

Sierra continued. “These pills… they’ve made my life so much better. I couldn’t live without them. I’d rather die. My body is slowly becoming something I can live with. And it’s not even just my body, the pills have affected my mind too. They’ve made me think differently.”

“They made you think differently?” Emma asked. “How? Are you saying that the hormones made you want to talk about your feelings more? That they made you like shopping, and boys, and clothes and that kind of stuff?”

“What? No… what are you talking about?”

“It sounds like you just want to be pretty.”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all.” Sierra countered. “I mean… I would like to be pretty, but… you weren’t even listening to a word I was saying.”

“I did hear what you were saying, and it sounds like you need help, real help.” Emma said. “You have a mental illness. I can support gay people but this trans stuff is too much.”

“Emma, you’re ignorant.” Elise retorted. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. The best thing for trans people to do is transition.”

“I don’t believe that.” Emma said. “I believe there are two genders and you are what you’re born as.”

“Okay, well actually biological sex is a bit more complicated than-”

“Just stop talking, okay? I’ve heard enough. I’m done.” Emma promptly stood up and made her way to the door.

“Wait!” Sierra called out.

Emma turned around, her arms crossed.

“Just… please don’t tell anyone about this.”

Emma looked Sierra right in the eye. “I won’t tell anyone, but I’m not going to support your mental illness. You are not a girl. You should stop taking illegal pills on the internet and get help for your delusions.”

She left the room without saying another word, leaving the couple alone to sit down and contemplate what was said.

“I’m so sorry.” Elise said after a while. “I didn’t think she’d be like that.”

Sierra sighed. “It’s okay. I really don’t care that much. I mean, she’s a fifteen year old who acts like she’s ten and has an ego the size of the sun. Why should I care what she thinks?”

“Yeah.” Elise giggled. “You’re right.”

Sierra smiled before her demeanor quickly turned somber.

“What is it?” Elise asked. “It’s okay if Emma’s words bothered you. I’d understand.”

“It’s not her.” Sierra replied. “It’s just that… so many people don’t understand me, and don’t even try.” Sierra rubbed her left hand through her face. “I know this is stupid to say but… in all those TG stories everyone accepts the main character as a girl almost immediately. Why can’t real life be like that?”

Elise wrapped her arms around Sierra and hugged her tight. Sierra smiled and leaned into her.

At least she could always count on her for support.

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