Chapter 144: Ch.33 What My Love Means (3/5)

 

 

 

Mari-san’s Perspective

 

At a quarter till 4 PM, I arrived at the Red Roses. It was fairly empty when I stepped inside. That same old woman from before when I came here with Madoka-san stood there at the entrance.

“Welcome, please take a seat.”

“Oh, thank you.”

I followed her as she moved slowly to a seat near the back. It was the same section I was in with Madoka-san, and it made me recall that day like it was yesterday. It was when I confessed to her and talked about the true me from the past. A girl so small…that she was afraid of her own shadow…

“Hello, my name is Okabe Kasumi, and I’ll be your server today.”

 

 

My thoughts were broken as I turned to see an ivy-haired teenager. She wasn’t smiling or even looked like she wanted to be here. But instantly, I think I knew who she was. This must have been the girl Madoka-san talked to that night when she was late coming home. But if that was the case…that would mean she is having the family problems Madoka-san mentioned…

“Do you know Madoka-san?”

Instead of dancing around it, I cut right to the chase. Her eyes perked up as she tilted her head.

“What about her?”

“It’s nice to meet you, Okabe-san. I’m her stepmother…Koda Mari.”

For a moment she gazed at me before closing her eyes.

“Stepmother, huh?”

She shrugged and tapped her pen on her notebook again.

“Well, your stepdaughter isn’t here…what can I get for you?”

“I’ll have a cup of coffee; I’m waiting for someone to arrive right now.”

Suspiciously, she crossed her arms.

“Would that happen to be…Taylor-sensei?”

“Oh, did she tell you about her?”

Now she opened up a little bit more to me.

“Yeah…Madoka-san told me that she’ll be coming in today. So why are you here then?”

I snickered.

“I’m just here to pick up a package.”

“You’re kind of shady, and I really don’t like you.”

“You’re a bit too honest with customers, you know that?”

This girl was quite rude, but I shrugged it off as I watched the clock.

"Well, when she comes, I have to hand her this here.”

I held out a back full of clothing and a wig.

“I take it you’re going to allow us to use the locker room in the back?”

She puffed her cheeks in slight annoyance.

"I don't like how confident you sound, Koda-san. Yeah, I asked the boss if I could use the locker room. I told her that a friend of mine was coming in. She has an event and wants to use the locker room briefly. It’s all ready for Taylor-sensei.”

The thought that Madoka-san planned all this out melted my heart. She was growing, becoming her own woman…and I was able to witness the fruits of her labor so far. It made me want to call her, praise her for being so savvy…but now wasn’t the time.

“She’s here!”

I turned to the door to see a foreign beauty step through. Her stride easily made people turn to her. She wasn’t in anything special but the way she moved about would certainly make the guys turn their heads. With that bright blonde hair that mirrored the sun’s rays, I can see why the wig Madoka-san bought for her was so dark and contrasting.

“Okabe-san? I didn’t know you worked here…”

“Hurry, c’mon! Get moving, Sensei.”

The ivy-haired girl pushed her teacher into the back.

“Eh, what are you waiting for, Koda-san? I’m not getting you that coffee!”

“Are you serious? I came here just for it!”

I stood up, walked around her, and made my way into the locker room too.

“Make it quick, if anyone comes in asking for you Sensei, I was told to send them away.”

She shut the door, leaving us together.

“Well, introductions need to wait, but I’ll make it brief, my name is Koda Mari, Madoka-san’s stepmother.”

Her eyes blew up, and I couldn’t know why the aggressive reaction. But instead of letting her speak, I handed her the bag.

“Hurry up, we have to make it to the concert before it ends.”

“Concert? Before what ends?”

“Just get dressed, and put on this wig. Time is wasting, Taylor Linda-san.”

Confused, she did just what I asked. Slowly, she was pulling off her clothing as she did this.

“Madoka-san set up a way for you and Conway-san to meet. I think you want to speed up a bit unless you want your tails to catch you.”

“Y-Yes, Koda-san!”

She nodded and before I knew it, she was redressed. It seemed to put a fire under her. Now was for the finishing touches. I sat her down, put the wig on her. It took a few minutes because of how long her hair was but by the end of it…

“You look like a whole new woman.”

 

 

I showed her in the mirror as I patted her shoulder. From the person who entered the Red Roses to the one leaving…Taylor Linda-san wasn’t the same. Her bright hair gone to a dark purple that gave her a mischievous look. Fake glasses with a dark coat governing her purple blouse. A plum skirt tied with a white belt that swings around. A creme pouch that makes her look younger than she is. Bright purple pumps finished her off. Madoka-san...easily styled this woman perfectly. I was fawning over her. 

“…Why are you helping me?”

She turned and asked a question so innocently. It felt a tad naively also.

“Because Madoka-san asked me to.”

Strangely, she turned to the side and pondered.

“We don’t have too much time. Come with me, my car is out back.”

That’s when Okabe-san came in. She looked at her sensei in astonishment at first, but she came back to her reasoning and began.

“Two people came in asking if I saw you, Taylor-sensei. They checked the bathrooms and even the backdoor before leaving.”

“How disgustingly efficient.”

“Right now, they’re likely searching the mall. Hurry up and get out of here before they come back.”

I took her hand.

“You heard the woman. Thank you for your help, Okabe-san. I’ll put in a good word for you with Madoka-san.”

“Oh, shut the hell up. Go now! You both are wasting time!”

We did just that as we vanished out the back door. In the night, we made it to my car and raced into the streets.

“I…I can’t believe it.”

“Hm?”

I turned to her, the girl with the shining eyes that mirrored gemstones.

“Madoka-san…set this up for me?”

“That’s right.”

Now with our adrenaline cooling down, we took the highway. It was going to take around an hour to get to the concert, but when she gets there, it’ll all be worth it. The bright lights of the streets shined into the car as we wordlessly made our way there. On the highway, it felt like we were two partners running away from town. It was...exciting, doing something this bad.

 

“…Koda-san…”

"Hm? What is it, Taylor-san?”

“You are…the Koda Mari-san that Nakagawa-san fell in love with?’

 

 

My throat went dry as she spoke the words I didn’t expect to hear. I turned away and focused back on the road.

“Oh…she told you about that?”

Slowly, she shook her head from side to side.

“No…she didn’t just tell me…that girl cried into my arms about you.”

A shiver rained down my body as her words pierced me like needles.

“What?”

“You didn’t know? The night when you both fought…she realized that she had feelings for you.”

I found myself clenching the steering wheel. My mind raced back to the night where I tried to be a mother. That time when I wanted nothing more than to fulfill her fantasy of me being the perfect mom for her. But she felt I was being too distant. She even accused me of hating her…and that made me sick.

I came down with a fever earlier that week…thinking about her…and she thought that I hated her? When I came back into reality, I shook my head, trying to push away the nightmares of my past.

“Ah, you mean that day.”

“Koda Mari, this is between me and you. I’m not going to tell Madoka-san anything about this. I don’t know your family, I don’t know your daughter, Koda Hana-san. This place…is a safe place for the two of us to express our feelings.”

This woman…was something else. We’ve only been in this car for minutes, and she’s expecting me to pour my heart out to her?

“Koda Mari-san…I don’t think you know the full extent of that day.”

Now I was getting annoyed, so I calmed my mind and spoke sternly to her.

“Listen…I don’t know why you’re bringing this up, Taylor Linda-san, but I’m doing you a favor right now… I think it’s best if you respect it.”

She shook her head again, causing her new black locks to swing about. Her body hopped as she turned back to me. From the corner of my eyes, I could see a passion flowing in her. It was then I realized that she wasn't upset…or even judging me. She looked as if…she was concerned if I had to put a word to it.

“No, you’re doing Nakagawa-san a favor right now. And I think I want to do her a favor too right now.”

She wasn’t wrong, and that made me feel all the sicker now.

“I heard that she gave up…and decided it would be best not to be with you.”

“…Yeah, that’s what happened.”

“But I don’t understand that! When I think about my love for Sophia, I would give the world up for her. Everything about her matters to me to the point that I’m willing to give up everything I worked for…to be with her.”

She curled her dark hair in her finger.

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“But Madoka-san…the girl who cried day and night about you, was overjoyed when she found out she liked girls and, most importantly liked you, gave you up?”

“…Yeah, she did.”

“But why?”

“Because she loves the family, we have…and I do too…”

“Can you tell me what happened?”

I focused on the road. Everything in me didn't want to speak.

"Koda-san...why is it so hard for you to tell someone your feelings?"

I had every intention to stay silent for the rest of the way there…but something…

 

...made me feel…

…terrible…

…angry…

…hurt…

…disgusted…

 

The shell that I built up was starting to choke me. As she probed at me, my mind began to race. The capsule that I built around me to protect myself...wasn't doing that anymore. It was wrapping its claws around my throat and forcing me to suppress things. The thoughts of my dad came back into mind.

 

 

He’d scream at me…

Make me feel weak…

Ruin any confidence I had when it came to my feelings.

Show me that my emotions didn’t matter…

One would think “Aren’t you over it by now?”

But it wasn't that easy for me…I've tried to get over it time and time again. I was punished for it. It was always easier to just recluse into someone who'd smile when hurt, laugh when crying inside. It made everything hurt less when I wasn't my true self when I wasn't Koda Mari.

And that is where I've gone wrong this entire time, wasn't it?

“You know, Taylor-san…I have a really hard time expressing myself.”

I began.

“My dad literally beat it into me…not to do that. Don’t say how you feel…even though it was years ago now.”

I clenched the wheel harder.

"But when I met my late husband…he tried his best to take me out of that mindset…and I opened up to him…and then he died…leaving me alone again."

I coughed…as I tried to chuckle and laugh about it.

"And…it became harder to express my feelings from that point on…"

My heart was beating fast…not because I was scared though. It felt as though a chain that was wrapped around it was slowly getting tighter, making it harder to speak. But…I pressed on.

“But Madoka-san…she was the first person besides my husband to not only tell me when I was hiding things…but to pursue it. She…did everything in her power to learn about me, find who I truly was.”

I couldn’t stop them now…those tears started to run down my cheek.

 

 

“I love her…but I’m so scared to make her hate me. So…if she wants me to be the mother she always wanted, I will do that. And if she…if she decided that we can’t be together that way…”

I noticed my nails were clawing at the wheel now, tearing the fabric as I did it. My fingers were beginning to hurt but it didn’t mirror the suffocating feeling in my chest.

"When she confessed to me during our break…I was the happiest I've ever been. Don't you know how happy it feels when your love is reciprocated?”

"…I think I do."

“But that same night…she told me…that my dream of us together wasn’t possible. She made me the happiest person alive one minute…and the saddest the next.”

I wiped the lost tears that escaped.

“So…now I’m trying my best to stay with her somehow.”

“And this is how?”

Surprised, I turned to her, doing my best to stay focused on the road as I did.

“What does that supposed to mean?”

“If Nakagawa-san wanted you to jump off a cliff, would you do it to make her happy? Would you do stupid things to make sure you can stay beside her that way?”

“…Of course not. That’s stupid to think that.”

“Look at yourself. You’re obviously in love with this girl who turned you down…but instead of doing anything about it…you’re hiding.”

Her gaze was fierce as she struck into me.

“I don’t think you know the level of feelings Madoka-san has for you, Koda-san. She hid the crying; she hid the pains…she didn’t tell you about the nights she spent thinking about you. The dreams she had about you. How she wanted to touch you, the need to be beside you…she told me all of that.”

 

 

Her words were destroying me from inside. I wanted to get away from her, but I was trapped. Why did it feel like this woman who can’t be much younger than me was wiser? As if she was judging me from her high podium. But despite how it felt…

This woman here was the first person I ever spoke to about my feelings for Madoka-san. She was already in the know about them, so I didn’t have to open up to her like Hana-chan.

“I need to ask, for Madoka-san’s sake…Do you love her mother?”

“What a question…”

I scored. But she didn’t back down as she pushed closer to me.

I concluded a while ago my feelings on Ayumi. As if a weight was begging to lift from me…I confessed.

“I think Nakagawa Ayumi is a beautiful person who is kind, caring, loving, and deserves the utmost happiness…”

My heart began to drop as I finally let it out.

 

“But I don’t think can I love her in the way she wants me to anymore.”

 

 

It finally came out, manifested itself into words that I couldn’t take back now. At the time of Madoka-san’s coma…I wanted nothing more than to keep her safe and make her feel loved when she had nobody. I was the viper that took Madoka from her. I wore that stigma with honor as I made sure she had the happiest life I could give her.

But when she woke up…when Madoka-san returned, the hold on my life, the obligation that I felt to be with Ayumi, slowly began to die…and I hated myself for it.

“I…I can’t love her that way even if she needs me…and I’m horrible for thinking that.”

“But why do you think you’re horrible for thinking like that?”

“…Because I lied to Ayumi. I…I should have told her the truth years ago, but I was too afraid…”

“Afraid of what?”

“T-That I wouldn’t be able to see Madoka-san anymore. What if our relationship fell apart and she barred me from visiting the person I loved? What if she harmed herself…and Madoka-san woke up hating me for everything?”

Finally, the chains on my heart were unraveling as I confessed my fears.

“I know I probably did the worst thing possible! I got with her mother because I wanted to stay with her. I love that girl to death…I would give anything for her…and I can’t seem to find that same love I have for her with Ayumi.”

My body began to shake. It was becoming harder to focus on the road now.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t like Ayumi. I love her, I do. I want to keep her safe! I want her to be happy, and I don’t know what I’d do if she harmed herself…”

They flowed out from me freely as those chains in my heart began to fall apart.

“But everything in me wants Madoka-san. A-And I need to tell Ayumi that. I…I need to tell Madoka-san that.”

That’s when it all came to me. How Hana-chan looked at me with disappointment when I tried to speak with her during our time together. I don’t think she was mad at me…

No…

She pitied me, didn’t she?

My little Hana-chan knew I wouldn’t be happy…unless…

“I don’t know what you should do, Koda Mari-san…but I do have one piece of advice for you…”

“What?”

“From how it sounds to me…you’ve been waiting for Madoka-san to accept you. You’ve been waiting on the sidelines, hoping she'd look up and see you."

She sighed.

“But I don’t think you’ll ever be happy unless you take the chance and get out there. When you go on the offensive, fight for what you love and fail…then I think you’ll finally come to an understanding that it wasn’t meant to be.”

Her smile was bright.

“But then…there’s also the chance that you don’t fail, and you find the love that you were hoping for. We can't wait around for our chance anymore, Koda Mari-san. Don’t you get it?”

She put her hand on my back as if soothing my soul.

“For years you’ve waited for that girl to tell you she loved you. She did…but that’s all she could do. She was too scared to go further than that. To hurt the mother and little sister she loved…and you agreed with her out of fear.”

“…I see.”

Those chains, built up by my family, felt as though they were slowly coming apart. If I give it my all…and fight for the person I actually love…even if I fail…it would be better than never trying, right? It sounded easy, but it wasn’t. But I knew why I couldn’t talk to Ayumi. It’s because I was afraid that I would lose Madoka-san…

 

But that’s just what I might need to do…

If I am too afraid of losing her, I'll never have the strength to get her, would I?

 

“I’m in love with Nakagawa Madoka.”

 

 

I stated.

“And…I think after this it’s about time for the people I care about…to know that too.”

The nurse smiled at me…and I smiled back. My heart was getting stronger than ever now.  Was it the excitement of the night that helped me open up? Or could it be that this woman had a magical power that made me speak the truth? I couldn't know, but right now wasn't the time to think about it. It was my time to make sure things went right today because everything in me wanted to confess my feelings soon. Ayumi needed to know…that I love her from the bottom of my heart…

 

But I don’t love her the way she feels for me…

That I am in love with Madoka-san and always have been.

 

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