Chapter 236: Ch.49 – For Me and Only Me (3/4)

 

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Ayumi’s Perspective

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I sat down on the bed and waved Mari to come over. It was about time that I went back and told her what happened that day. It took Mari some time to walk over and sit next to me on the bed. 

“So, you did tell Madoka-san to not talk with me?”

Mari-san questioned.

 

 

“Let me... think back to that time and explain everything. Maybe then you’ll finally understand what I wanted to happen, Mari...”

I closed my eyes and thought about that day...

 

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The night of the accident was like any other. Nothing special happened, but Madoka came to the car upset after her game. I missed it and assumed it was for that reason. But looking back on it, I realized that something more must have pushed her feelings further that night, and… Madoka was stressed.

"Madoka, are you upset that I missed your game?"

Madoka shook her head and said,

“No, I don’t care about that. But Mom, I-I need to talk to you about something.”

As we drove, Madoka confided in me, Mari. She said...

“I’ve been struggling with something for a long… long time now. But you’re never around, and it’s hard for me to talk to you, Mom.”

Is what Madoka was saying to me. I figured it was about her feelings regarding you… so, I attempted to shut her down to give myself more time to work everything out.

“Madoka… we can talk about this another time.”

But Madoka stopped me from speaking, Mari. She said...

"No, mom, this needs to be said b-because right now I can't talk to anyone else but you about this. I'm… a little conflicted and trapped right now."

I quieted down, trying to show her how upset I was. But Madoka persisted and kept going. Whatever sparked in her that night, Madoka had to make sure she got her feelings out while we were alone.

“I’m so confused right now, mom. And I really need your guidance.”

Madoka shielded her face in her hands and mumbled her feelings to me...

"I think it would be best if I help her… and be with her… She's so broken right now, and she needs me. But mom, I have strong… stronger feelings for…"

Madoka looked up at me with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was doing her best to get her feelings across to me Mari.

"Please, Mom, just hear me out… listen to me."

And that's when I stopped focusing on the road as I began to think about how her choices would mess up everything. H-How she would leave me- I mean... ruin everything we've worked for.

“Mom, I’m in love with Koda Mari-san. B-But….”

Madoka finally said it that night. Everything I gave her... and Madoka was betraying me. So, I exploded on her, Mari.

“Stop, Madoka!”

 

 

My foot accelerated on the gas without me realizing it. Everything I worked for… my job, my relationships, everything was going to be turned into nothing all because… of her selfishness. It was then I let my feelings get the best of me, Mari.

“Do you know how much I went through to make your life easier, Madoka?! H-How could you do something like this to me!”

I said while screaming at Madoka. I... I  glared at my own daughter like there was no blood between us.

"Think about what you're saying once in your life! Mari-san is the only person who is willing to help raise you! You'll ruin Mari-san’s life with your feelings! Have you ever considered that?!"

I wasn't looking at the road. My ire… was on my daughter, and the world around us didn't matter…

"Day in and day out, it's always about you, Madoka! Your feelings aren't right! They're fake, and you're forcing them on Mari. They aren't real."

“N-No… that’s not true! I know my feelings, mom!”

“Koda Mari-san has a daughter! She’s working hard to provide for her, and your feelings are hurting her! Don't you ever think of anyone other than yourself? D-Don’t you ever think about me?!"

“B-But, mommy!”

"No buts, Madoka! You are the most selfish person I know! Think about your words and actions before you say stupid things like this!"

I clenched the wheel and sped up, letting my anger drive me into that intersection. I wasn't thinking, I was just so upset, Mari.

“Mom, please slow down! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Okay, I-I won’t talk about it anymore. Just please…”

Madoka begged for me to stop… but I didn’t, Mari. But I persisted and continued yelling at her.

“Everyone takes care of you! It’s always about you, Madoka! You don’t love Mari; you just love what she provides for you!"

Enraged, I said… what I regret the most that night.

“You’re so selfish! And I hate that about you, Madoka! I hate that about you so much!”

With those words, the blaring lights came into view; Madoka must have been in such emotional pain… hearing those awful feelings from her own mother. And the shock of the car hitting us soon after only made it worse. After the incident, Madoka didn't want to speak with anyone… and I knew why she didn't want to talk with you, Mari… It's because I said all those horrible things. She was scared to face her feelings and I was actually… happy about that. The longer she stayed away from you or anyone else guiding her distorted feelings, the better. Eventually, she'd grow up, move on, and things would have worked themselves out. So, when Madoka fell into her coma, of course, I was devastated…. And my attempt to kill myself was genuine…

I felt so afraid, alone in this world without her...

 

 

But then, you protected me in Madoka’s place…

I didn’t have to be worried that I’d be alone. I knew that everything was made to be despite how tragic it all came together. I knew… that you were there to protect me. Everything was right with the world…

I had someone who loved me again. And it was you, Mari.

 

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Mari’s Perspective

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Ayumi finally got her feelings across, causing her to break down and cry on the side of the bed. The hiccups from her crying only solidified what I realized beforehand.

“So, this never was about you falling in love with me, was it Ayumi? Y-You didn’t fall in love with me… until after Madoka fell into a coma.”

I closed my eyes and tried my best to wrap my head around this.

“You just wanted someone to protect you… a-and I was going to take that away from you if Madoka started giving me the attention you craved!”

“No, you don’t get it. It was right this way, Mari. A-And that’s why you saved me from dying that day.”

Annoyed, I scoffed.

“You don’t get it, do you Ayumi?! People aren’t set on this planet to protect you. Madoka is your daughter, not your protector.”

I could usually keep my emotions in check, but… this angered me so much.

“A-And when Madoka-san went into a coma you… you latched onto me for that same reason you wanted to push Madoka-san away from me!”

I screamed, trying to get through to her.

“People don’t love that way, Ayumi! It’s not always about you!”

I sighed deeply, realizing this wasn’t getting through to her.

"We're selfish, Ayumi… and we hurt the people around us because we're selfish. The sooner we realize that… the sooner we can decide how to go forward."

Tired, Ayumi laid back in bed. I followed her and laid next to her, trying my best to stay calm. As we sat there, quiet in this dimly lit room, Ayumi pushed her back on mine as we curled up like two dead cicadas on this bed.

“I can’t see what you don’t understand, Mari.”

Her voice trembled as she tried to justify her actions yet again.

“I lied to protect you and Madoka. And it was a blessing she forgot so much before her coma. If… if only it would have worked out better.”

Her hot breath whispered in my ear.

"Madoka didn't know her feelings. She was confused, and you were already stressed. It… was for the best that we'd care for her together as parents, a family anyway."

Slowly, Ayumi’s hands caressed my cheek. I've felt this warmth for the last couple of years. But today… it was lukewarm… cold, even knowing the feelings behind them were nothing more than… than….

I turned towards her and looked my lover in the eye.

“You’ve only wanted to be with me because I can take care of you, Ayumi… isn’t that, right?”

She stopped as her fingers hovered over my cheeks.

“That’s not true.”

"Be honest, Ayumi. Why am I struggling to be honest while you're still justifying everything you put us through?"

I held my chest as I pushed away from her.

"Think about it! If I said no to you that day you overdosed, you would have killed yourself! Ayumi, that's horribly selfish to do to me and everyone you love… and you think it's right?"

I shook my head, still trying to get through to her.

“I lied; I did horrible things to Hana and Madoka… but at least I’m not trying to justify it anymore!”

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It felt as though we were going in circles. I was tired…

"Because it was the right thing to do! Listen, Mari, Madoka will get over this. But Hana needs a family. We need a family… Don't you think the best way to make Madoka happy… is to let her go?"

The one thing I tried to do these last two years has been, let her go. But I couldn't… and it led to this.

“Unbelievable. I can’t believe you actually think you’re in the right, Ayumi.”

I got off the bed and exited the room, only to be grabbed by Ayumi, trying to pull me back in.

“You know it better than I do that being with Madoka isn’t going to happen, Mari. Her finding someone else is the best thing for her. Why can’t you accept that?”

I pulled away, but she wouldn’t let go.

“I am trying to accept that! I’ve been trying to accept that for two years now! B-But you don’t understand how hard that is, Ayumi!”

Tightly, she squeezed my hand. My breathing trembled as her words buried down into my mind. I felt trapped, closed off from the fantasy I've always dreamed of, and forced into a cruel but true reality…

It would be a fight if I ever wanted to... at least be beside Madoka.

"You're right… it's not going to work for Madoka and me. No matter how much I try, it might never work out. A-And there's nothing I can do to fix it, Ayumi."

I pulled away, separating our last connection.

“But I need to take control of my life, Ayumi and it starts with this...”

I stood tall despite my emotions making me tremble. My life has been in a whirlwind, but it was time for everything to settle down and for me to pick up the pieces.

“This isn’t going to work out between us, Ayumi….”

Her eyes widened as if I had taken away her last means of survival. The primal look in her eyes took me back.

“Why?”

Like a clueless child, she asked. As if the fantasy world within her wasn’t broken like mine. And so, I answered as directly as I could.

"Because I can't even support Madoka-san the way I wanted to, there's no point for me to keep going along with this. This family was broken to begin with, and I wouldn't want to force Hana through this any longer either."

Like a string snapped in her mind, Ayumi clenched both her fists.

“So, you’re just going to leave me like everyone else, Mari?!"

Ayumi shook her head.

“No matter how much love I put out for everyone, it’s not enough for any of you?! Madoka keeping secrets. Hana keeping them too… and you, Mari, the one I’m supposed to rely on the most, lying to me too? You never loved me, did you, Mari?!”

She stomped on the ground like a child throwing a temper.

“Get out! Get out of here, Mari! I’m so sick of seeing you!”

 

 

 

She had every right to be mad, but in that same regard, all I heard was one thing coming from her ire, her rage… Everything was about her, never anyone else. Ayumi doesn't love with a give or take. Her love is simple and bottomless…

It’s full…

And endless…

Void of nothing…

But what makes her happy...

She doesn’t have the room to love anyone else.

A love so toxic that even she can't see how warped it can be. She perceives herself as someone who gives all her love to others, but that isn't true.

Nakagawa Ayumi takes, and takes, and takes, and takes, and takes, and takes…

And I’m tired of giving…

Even if we got together on regular terms, there was no way things would have worked out between us. I could never be happy constantly giving to someone who was always hungry. I was unsure where this came from or why she turned out the way she is. But Ayumi wants a love that only she is satisfied with without acknowledging the feelings of others. I could never be madly in love with someone like her and tonight showed me this. The hallway was cold as I stared her down. There was no turning back from this point. I held myself and spoke up, voice trembling all the while.

“I’ll get out… but you need to give me time to get my things and Hana’s also, Ayumi.”

Her mouth opened slightly as if it never registered to her what she'd be doing by kicking me out this way. I didn’t want to hurt her. I just wanted all this madness to be over.  And to take my life back, this needed to happen.

"What, did you really think I wasn't going to take my own daughter with me, Ayumi? You kicked Madoka out and pushed her away. Now who will you rely on without us?"

I stepped back.

“Who is going to protect you, Ayumi?”

I bit down on my teeth, trying my hardest to control my anger.

“I think it’s time for you to rely on yourself and really think about what you also did to this family."

What I did was terrible, but I refused to be the only one at fault. Relationships are a two-way street, and for a long time now… we've only been traveling on Nakagawa Ayumi's. Things had to change, and the wake-up call for her had to be this.

That for the first time in a long time nobody was going to give her the love she desperately wanted. No one was going to drop their life… and protect her.

“Are you really going to leave me alone, Mari? D-Do you really think that’s a good idea?”

 

 

The subtle threat from two years ago arose between us. I feared the outcome of leaving Ayumi alone. But my determination was set…

"Yes, I do, Ayumi."

I said with no hesitation.

"If you’re going to do something to yourself, that will be on you. But I refuse to be the reason why you hurt yourself anymore."

I felt I'd changed, and it was time for Ayumi to do the same.

"I love you and don't want anything to happen to you, Ayumi… but it's your choice what you do, and it's my choice not to let you manipulate me anymore."

My voice trembled a bit even though I tried to sound brave. I was emotionally exhausted, but… I pushed through.

I knew in my heart that even if I gave my all to her, I wasn't in love with Ayumi, and that's okay. Because the love she wants is too big for me to fill out of obligation.

"I'll move into an apartment with Hana as soon as I can. You'll probably have to do the same because without my income you won't be able to stay in this home. I laid out everything… it's your turn to figure things out, Ayumi."

“M-Mari…”

I turned and made my way to the door.

"I care a great deal for you, Ayumi. You mean a lot to me. But I wish you'd learn how many people you hurt with your version of love."

"Wait, M-Mari, I-I didn't mean that. Just wait; give me a bit of time to say something."

“No.”

I motioned Ayumi to stop.

 

 

"That's the thing Ayumi, all this time, you've only been listening to yourself. So, from here on out, I'll let you talk all you want Ayumi…"

I wrapped my scarf around my neck and touched my bracelet… the one I knew I’d cherish regardless of what happens in the future.

 

“But I won’t be there to listen to you anymore.”

 

I shut the door behind me, and for the first time in these last two years, I felt… liberated. It was late in the night. The cold snow and wind drowned out the yelling and screaming coming from the home behind me. I stepped onto the sidewalk and got into the car.

“Nnngg…”

My heart raced as I pulled away.

“What the hell. How… how did you become this kind of person, Ayumi?”

I had to pull over, feeling sick to my stomach.

"It's okay. I know now that no matter what, it would have never worked out. We're… too different."

I had to accept that. And as the snowstorm danced around my car, I pulled out my phone. Missed calls from Ayumi already flooded in, so I had to block her. I searched my contacts and found who I needed to speak with.

My heart pounded… and I nearly lost my voice when she answered.

“Mom?”

"Hey, Hana. Are you having fun with your Onee-san?"

“Mom, is everything okay?”

I failed… the one thing I've always been scared of doing in front of my daughter. I couldn't make things work out… make a happy family she'd always wanted, fought for. And the tears going down my cheeks and hiccups catching my throat were a testament to that.

 

"N-No, everything isn't okay Hana. I want you to put your Onee-san on and put it on speaker so I can explain… how everything will happen from here on out."

 

 

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