Chapter 28: That’s Me, The Bastard

“Go,” he said, over and over again. I thought the Genesis breed were supposed to be intelligent, but this automaton just tells me “go”, and “stop”, and “faster”. And mostly he said “go” and “faster”. I asked what he was in such a hurry for and all he did was shove me. I turned to fight him once. I got so angry. So... He took Nurg from me. He took all my gear. I was defenseless. How was I... I didn’t.... He kept pushing me, and I couldn’t use my storms. I... He kept pushing me! I tried to use my storms but that was when he told me to stop and we would rest and my storms would get so weak. Then he’d push me again and I tried to fight him but then I would see some poor animal or a Fiend I liked or a Mortal village that looked pretty. I love Mortal villages this close to the sphere. They look like sad little castle made of snow and some of them are completely empty now, which makes them sadder and prettier, especially if there are rakes or yolks or harrows lying about. One had a toy horse stuffed with straw and it was completely frosted over. They must be running away. The Mortals. I wonder why. I think they’re going to Golgonooza. 

Mother was so happy when we arrived that she was nice to Othomo. No one is nice to Othomo. It was like they were friends and it made me angry because when she looked at me all she did was ask where Sulphina was. Then I told her she was with Othomo and that she ran away when he attacked me and how does Mother know when I’m LYING?! I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t! I... 

“Go to Golgonooza,” she said. “Go to Golgonooza. Go and see your sister. Go and talk to Syl. Go to Golgonooza. Golgonooza, Golgonooza, go to Golgonoooooooza.” Ugh! She was nice to Othomo. Othomo! Nice to, to, to HIM. And to me she says to leave and wants me to learn from my... mistakes. The only mistake I ever made was coming back there. Let the little brat roll in the mud. Actually, that sounds like fun. 

I left, of course. Not because the ‘Pale Queen’ told me to. But because I wanted to. How could anyone stand beeing there? Especially with her fawning all over Othomo, the Dreadknight. What an oaf. Of course I went to Syl. Of course I went to... 

And a visit wouldn’t be complete without my brothers coming to taunt me. Tecciztecatlzipra came running like an idiot, all in a hurry and worried, like I’m some decrepit mongrel who could fall apart at any moment.  

“Leave me alone, Zip,” I said. 

“Suli, wait!” 

I kept walking. Sometimes I used to stop and yell at him, and sometimes I used to stop and listen to him. I wasn’t in the mood for either. I wish he would have paid attention to my mood. My family always chases after me when it rains and I can’t stand it. Do they want it to keep raining? The storms only get worse when they pester me. Syl was the only one who left me alone. She... 

And Arma and Agni and Kaifu and Silmarindil and Estaphon came and just wouldn’t shut up. They kept badgering me about this and that and how I was loose catapult and that and how they were more afraid for me than they were of me. And they wonder why I rarely spent time at home. 

“Go to Golgonooza. Go to Golgonooooza.” Thanks, Mom. 

Well, I went to Golgonooza. Syl was there, as always, tending to her subjects. She was washing an old dead Mortal woman. I thought, if I’m dead, or dying, then why is everyone so afraid of Othomo? He wasn’t the only one bringing a thing not yet made. So I went to Syl and sat and I finally managed to make it rain. We heard it on her palace roof and I was jealous that I didn’t have a palace. I mean, I made one. It was big, too, and pretty, like a castle made of snow. You could see the crystals from the sky, and when Mother’s crown wanted to it would shine on it and make it sparkle. But it broke. It couldn’t take the rain. 

“Where is Nurg?” she asked.  

“Why are you asking me about Nurg?” 

“I was just wondering. Do you like Sade better?” 

“I don’t like any of them at all, Syl. Can’t you see I’m not wearing Leothayn or Kharnhallevernandrir or... Mud Furnace?”  

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“What’s wrong with Mud Furnace?” 

“What? I... how could... but... everything’s wrong with Mud Furnace.” 

“Mother had that gear made because she cares about you.” 

“I don’t want to talk about Mother, who stupid gear, or the stupid blacksmith who made it all.” 

She sighed, and it rained harder. I hated it when she sighed, mostly because it was always me who made her do it. 

“Oh Limo,” she said. “If you were wearing Leothayn I could pat your back. But right now, you’re barely holding together.” 

I wanted her to pat me on the back. “But, we’re here. Won’t I be alright if I fall apart a little bit?” 

She gave me a hug, then helped me pick my pieces back up. Then the rain calmed down a little, and we told each other stories. I told her how Othomo had attacked me and I beat him up, and how I saved Bardo. But then it rained harder. Poor Bardo. So I told her that I didn’t save Bardo, because I can’t lie, not to Syl. So told her the truth, and she... She hugged me again and said “Oh, Limo.” And we both went picking up my pieces. Then Zip showed up and was angry with me. He, was angry with me. He, was angry with... me. I struck him when he called me a freak and he cried, in doors, like a weakling with no real power. I’m not joking. All that boy does is ‘glimmer’. And sometimes I think he’s more of a girl than Syl. Mother calls him her ‘Dark Sun’, like he’s the sun in the darkness. I call him a pansy. Such a honeysuckle. He was glimmering all over the place then. I just kept staring at my sister’s palace and how pretty it was. I wish you could have seen it. All blue and silver with hints of soft green and purple velvet curtains. And the walls had tall lattices that let the light from Mother’s crown in the most incredible ways. I saw shapes in the light sometimes. Sometimes, when the light came in and I was thinking too far inside my head, the shapes would move to wake me up and show me where I really was. They crawl around the walls and onto the ceiling and if I tried really really hard I could hear them and watch them fly. And she... Stasia, not Syl, came down and sat on my shoulder and she hugged me and I didn’t fall apart, so I hugged her back and it felt so nice, but it wasn’t quite right so I looked sad and I know because I could see myself in there so I asked her why. She said it was because she wasn’t the one I really wanted hugs from and neither was Syl. She was purple and blue and a little bit of minty green especially her eyes and the lines in her wings and they glowed. She was so pretty. Zip was yelling at me and calling me a freak while Stasia and I were talking, so I hit him a few more times or at least enough to get him to leave. Syl tried to talk to me too but she stepped back when I raised my fist. You see, she understands. She deals with death all day and night so she understands. And she knows that the storms hurt so she doesn’t keep pushing me to make it rain when I’m already upset. And Stasia tickled my ears but she put her wings up so no one could see, so I tickled her ears back and her teeth too, but it didn’t feel right, even though it was wonderful. She turned red and asked “How about now?” and she looked so much better. I stood up and her wings turned red and she lifted off the ground and when she flapped them they dripped fire. I leaned down to kiss the fire and I was so happy I was calling her name; I was calling Kari’s name. But it wasn’t her. There wasn’t anything there so I get mad and told Stasia to stop, but she didn’t. She kept burning but it was fake. I shouted at her to stop but she wouldn’t and I got angrier and angrier and I yelled at her but Syl was really getting me irritated with all her crying, and she called the rest of our brothers and soon I had a really big fight on my hands. I don’t know why I couldn’t beat Othomo when I could handle all of them. I even killed ZIp. Pathetic. But Stasia kept pretending and she wouldn’t stop so I tried to kill her but she kept flying away from me and I need wind to fly so I made hole and brought some in. That’s when Syl really got me irritated because then she was angry and she can make things freeze, so she tried to freeze over my wind hole but I didn’t want her to. I had to stop Stasia. I had to. She wasn’t just making fun of me, she was making fun of Kari, she was making fun of her. I had to stop her. What Kari think if I didn’t? What would she think? She’d think I was a coward like Zip and Zip was dead so... wait a minute... Zip was dead... I killed him... I’m not dead, I’m... I AM DEATH! 

At least I stopped Stasia. At least I did that right. I’m going to miss Golgonooza though. It’s empty now. I found the ocean, too, so that’s good. Threw a big old piece of land into it, and my sister’s palace. I’ll miss her too. But not Zip. Zip can choke, even though he’s dead. I’ll kill him again. And I won’t miss Stasia. Her hugs were fake. Syl’s weren’t, though. I’ll miss Syl’s hugs. Syl... 

I need... her hugs. Yes. Kari’s hugs are the best hugs! With Kari taking care of me, I won’t need anyone else. We’re perfect! Fire and Death! Could there be a better match? And I could spread her flames with my storms, and her flames would kill more people. We’d be perfect for each other, I thought. So I packed up my stupid gear, shaking my head at Mother because all she could do was cry and call me a bastard. So I got my stupid bag of stupider gear and made a big enough storm to ride to Uncle Arun’s kingdom, because Kari was mine and I wasn’t going to let Othomo or Jaguar Man or anyone else. The Jaguar Man. He was with her. Othomo might snuff her out, so he had to die, but Jaguar Man was with her. He was with her.  

… 

… 

… no. 

But then I got there and I looked around and I thought, “why is everything red?” 

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