Chapter 56: 57. Chapter

After Aomi decided to share some of our more guarded secrets with Ahsoka and Anakin, we found ourselves sitting on the containers in silence while the two jedi were attempting to comprehend the weight of the information that was shared with them. 

I looked them in the eyes, deeply. I sensed fear, confusion, and curiosity, both of them were currently in an internal conflict, from the very moment they learned that once I, and many others from our order had embraced the teachings of the Sith, even if that was in a different life. They could not understand the exact nature in which I was, and still am Darth Revan. They will not understand it, as that is one of the secrets we cannot share with anyone, outside of our order. It is too bizarre and too dangerous.

A holocron is a tool that is used for immense information storage, and therefore, it is possible to extract that information forcefully. It is complicated and risky as there are defensive mechanics built into them. That exact procedure is even harder to do when the subject is a living holocron. Still, the best defense against such attempts is complete secrecy. After all, nobody ever heard of living holocrons, so let it stay that way, and we will be fine. 

I watched as Ahsoka's expression continued to stay perplexed. It was not easy to accept such truths. I knew, that they never imagined learning these things on an infiltration mission. The force brought us together. It was obvious, for which reason I cannot tell yet, if I would have to guess, it had something to do with the darkness that surrounded Anakin. He reminds me of Revan, before he had been consumed by darkness for the first time. Yes, and he is even more powerful. The chance to gain such a powerful apprentice would be too much to resist for a Sith master. 

As the realization hit me, my eyes widened for a second. The Sith master, was trying to turn Anakin to the darkside. It almost succeeded in the process, but it seems some unforeseen event almost broke his or her connection with Anakin. Anakin's currently chaotic force presence is the only evidence I need, to know that.

I gave a side glance to Aomi, I wonder if she knew about this, was that the reason why she chose to deem them trustworthy? 

Aomi quickly sensed my eyes on her, as she turned towards me. Seeing my contemplative expression, she gave me a smile and a small nod. 

...Of course she did... She is trying to fill in the void that was left behind the Sith Master... This is why she told them so many things, although she didn't really share anything crucial. She only talked about how our order was created; how did we spend the last thousand years in hiding and relative peace. It is important knowledge, of course, but it is still relatively useless data.

I turned to Ahsoka again as I saw a deep frown appear on her face. 

She must think that we have been reincarnated or reborn, or whatever. The fact that we are living holocrons will never be shared with them, except if they join the order, of course. Would they do such a thing? I had my doubts... She was still hopeful. I could feel it as our eyes met. She wanted to know the reason.

I sighed deeply, and after a last deep breath I opened my mouth and began to share a story, that had not been told for four thousand years. 

-Ahsoka, I can see, that you want to know, the reason why Revan fell to the darkside. I mean... Why did I fall. The reason is war, one of the most cruel wars in the galaxy. I will tell you the gist of it, and you can do with the information whatever you want, but know this, I am no longer a Sith. I did not lie about that.

Ahsoka nodded slowly, while Anakin only continued to glare at me and the others. In the end, he also gave me a short nod. 

-Now then... where should I start? 

I said outload. 

- I am afraid that my explanation will not exactly be what you two hope to hear. The short answer to that question would be what every Sith would tell you. I wanted more, more power, more freedom, to break the series of chains that society and the jedi order placed on me, which I never asked for. To free myself of the republic's expectations, to become something more, rule over the galaxy, and step on those who dared to stand in my way.

I sensed as a golden hue began to color my eyes half way through my explanation. A greed began to reignite in my soul, one that's call was so familiar and sweet. That my body shook with anticipation, almost demanding me to give in. I closed my eyes, and cleared my heart of desire, and the haunting demons crawled back into the darkness from whence they spawned. My eyes cleared, only to see the pity in the eyes of Anakin and even in Ahsoka's. Pity, of all things, I didn't expect. They were kind people deep down in their hearth after all. Yet I could sense more than pity, in Anakin. He was afraid, no... shameful? So that is it, he knew the call already, not surprising, since he had experienced two years of war when he was still young, and even acting as a master while teaching his own apprentice. How much can the order expect from someone who is practically a child, fools, they still fail to temper their pride after so many years.

As Ahsoka began to fidget slightly, I realized that it was time to continue my story. 

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-Back then, I always found a reason that I used to tell myself why my actions were justified. That the old jedi council was inefficient, which it was, I suppose, as they were the ones who betrayed me first. They used me as a tool, to win a war for them, which I did. I defeated the mandalorians, only for them to try to get rid of me when I walked back to their pompous halls.

I felt that my temper began to rise again, just because I recalled those events. Those memories were clear for me, as if it only happened yesterday. 

-They realized that I had changed. I dabbled in the darkside, but they ignored the reason, that it was to save their precious Republic. Yet, they were still right about one thing; I did things, in that war, things that should not have been done... I witnessed brothers and sisters die by the cruel and cowardly attacks of the mandalorians. Their hit-and-run tactics as they swooped down from the sky at any possible moment, wreaked havoc in their path. Burning bodies, the sweet sickening smell of burned human flesh. As they captured people with their wire and pulled them up in the air, only to drop them from the sky, still alive and helpless, falling to their deaths, their terrorized screams as they realized what was going to happen. I witnessed countless soldiers, young and old alike, as they had died on the battlefields, on both sides. It was a cruel war. Sentient living beings on both sides, not droids and clones. These men had their own families waiting for them at home... Clones didn't have such. They were human, but at the same time they were made for war. 

-I tried.. I tried to stay by the rules of the jedi order. I did it for as long as I possibly could. However, we were in a hostile environment surrounded by enemies. Our only supply line had been ravaged by enemy ambushes. We had barely enough equipment, clear water, food and energy cells to defend our positions. Yet they wanted us to push forward and take the enemy base. It was a mission, ordered by the Old Republic's highest leaders. They wanted to finish the war, and the council did not care about the fact that this was a suicide mission. However, I, as the commander of the ground army, did.

-Self-sacrifice was the Jedi way, but was it truly self-sacrifice, if it happened on the council's demand? I was not a coward. I didn't run away. Never left behind my comrades or friends. Still, I was not ready to die meaninglessly and throw away my soldiers lives in a war I had little to no connection with. All that just to satisfy the unreasonable demands of a far away council that has no true understanding of the weight of their decisions, nor the consequences. Do all that in an expected idealistic way that only lowers our chances of survival. I couldn't look into the eyes of the soldiers serving under me anymore, and lie to them, that everything would be fine, when I knew that we would die if this went on, only for a few more days.  One night, between the continuous raids of the Mandalorian jet troopers, I made my decision. I threw away the rules that bounded our hands, and did the only thing that the enemy never expected us to do. We attacked their civilian cities, the ones they used to supply their soldiers and ambush squads. We didn't try to differentiate civilians from soldiers anymore. It would have been impossible, they would just hide them, or they would escape to send a message to their allies, and we would be ambushed again before we could reach any consensus. It has happened before, many times. Instead, we burned the cities, burned the villages and later we burned the very forest that was holding back our advance.

-We burned everything to the ground, killed everyone massacred them just as they did with us. There was no more mercy, no more pity. Only efficiency mattered. We were not ready to die for a Republic so far away that after months of bloody battles we were not even sure if there was a Republic, and we didn't even care.  It was kill or be killed, and the more efficient killers were the ones who came out on top in the end. Nothing else mattered, and we won. We won, but we changed in the process. Not just me, there were hundreds of jedi, who had gone through the same experience as me. They were changed, all of them, not in the same way, not at the same depth. But they changed. War doesn't make a kid turn into a man. War turns children into coldblooded killers. And the Mandalorian wars, were one of the most cruel and bloody wars in the history of the galaxy. 

I told them my, no... Darth Revan's story, of how he created a separation in the jedi order after they tried to imprison him, that led to the jedi civil wars. How he discovered a still existing sith army hiding in the uncharted regions. How he began to prepare against the incoming sith invasion and how he drove the old republic to the brink of collapse. Then I told them how he was betrayed by his own friend and apprentice, Malak, and how he was brainwashed and played by the jedi against the very faction he created. How his own blade extinguished the lives of his own soldiers and friends without even realizing what he was doing. How the jedi wanted to kill him after he finished their job a second time. How he despaired when he realized the truth, as he understood that his entire life was wasted on beliefs and philosophies that were meaningless in the eyes of their highest representatives. They were essentially lies. I told them how Bastila realized this as well, and chose to come with me and create an order where our main goal would be to get rid of the influence of the force itself, and become truly free. This was how the Grey Order was created hidden in the dark corners of the universe. Constantly watching and learning in silence, exploring places where few have ventured from this galaxy, if any. We have created our own paradise. Darth Revan had created the order, and he was its first Grandmaster. That is part of the reason why I am picked as the next one, just as my master was. Because we are Darth Revan and more.

From then on, Aomi took over the role of story teller.

-With the help of Bastila Shan, which means me! Revan had made his decision after experiencing both sides of the force thoroughly. He was one of the extremely few people who managed to glance into the true nature, of the force. As he witnessed and experienced it, with his own skin. He understood how both the light side and the dark side shamelessly manipulated people, both doing it in a cold and calculating manner, while doing everything to cover it up, making you feel that that was what you wanted, all along. Until you yourself will eventually believe it, that this was your wish and your only possible choice. The force, thoroughly and deeply influences every beings decisions, even those who are not force-sensitive. The force will influence your decisions, the influence will grow stronger if you have a higher midi-chlorian count in your body. If you have a large amount, like Revan had, you are bound to become a simple plaything for the force, you will be used on one or both sides of the eternal war, until you are destroyed and thrown away, only for another one to take your place and suffer the same fate as you did.

-There is no end to the war between darkness and light. Even if the galaxy turns to ashes, their battle will still rage on, as the force itself is a single entity that includes both sides. Its aspects are timeless and necessary for the continuity of the world. One is warmth while the other is coldness, tradition and innovation, light and darkness, life and death. Two-part that opposes one another of the same entity. Neither one can be destroyed only weakened, and even that is partial and localized. From a wider perspective, it has no meaning. Galaxies, worlds, trillions of lives will ignite and  be extinguished, but the force and its nature will remain the same. Even after so many years of research, we cannot fully understand it. But we know, that it is truly alive, a being so different from us, that it can only communicate with us if it mirrors our desires, granting power for those who are able and wish to use it, and granting benevolence to those who wish to grow as an individual. The force is a being that you can call a god in all honesty. It is best to think of the force, as an extension of the mind, whatever is in your mind, if you are force-sensitive, those very thoughts of yours will become more and more extreme in their nature, more stronger. The only working way to get back your freedom is to realize these facts and search for the balance between the darkside and  the lightside. 

After Aomi finished her monologue, another wave of silence fell upon our little group. Anakin was in deep thoughts. I don't blame him. It was quite an avalanche we just unleashed on them. Although, Ahsoka seemed to accept the news more easily, if her helpless expression filled with pity as she looked at me was any indication. The acceptability and open mindedness of a child never ceases to amuse me. Of course, I don't really think that we will ever be that close as we were until now. Especially, that I still continue, and will continue to hide secrets from them. It is more than enough, that they stopped glaring at me, as if I was some sort of prime evil. 

I am not really sure, if telling them all of this was a good idea... It certainly feels uncomfortable right now... As if a layer of my clothes had been ripped off... What a mess... On the other hand... I don't have to think three or four times before I open my mouth around them anymore. Two times should be enough. It is really tiring to watch out for how and what you speak all the time. My raging bodily hormones don't help a bit. 

I was feeling pretty uncomfortable right now. The repercussions of completely stopping the age slowing technique are about to bite me in the ass. I mean, I am thirteen years old... it's puberty at its finest. It didn't really bother me until now, since it slowed down because of the technique and most of its effects were weakened to a non-existing degree. But now... why does my tummy hurt like this... It could be because of the stress, but... wait. 

My eyes widened as the realization hit me. I am a girl... Oh hell no! I turned to Aomi, who was sitting next to me, with a pleading expression... She looked at me quite surprised, seeing my sudden mood swing. I leaned towards her and whispered into her ear that I have some problems and we need to talk. I felt my face turn pink to a degree... as we excused ourselves. Oh, this is going to be an extremely embarrassing conversation... Aomi doesn't seem to be the kind of woman, who wouldn't turn such an event into a weapon of creating constant embarrassment for me. Even so... There is no way I would ask Ahsoka for help after that type of conversation... I would rather die.

The very thought of ending my life, had triggered a self-defense mechanism in my mind, one of the effects of being a holocron. It could forcefully eject dopamine into your system to make your own depressing thoughts disappear and stop you from any serious attempt to kill yourself. It was an actually good mechanism that we liked normally... But I didn't need more hormones in my bloodstream right now! I felt like crying... Sigh... Okay, lets speak this over in a serious manner.

 

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