Chapter 160: Dirty Deeds: Uhrrbet Goes Online Shopping

Uhrrbet held up a small, frilly dress and examined it carefully.

She smiled.

"That garment is most pleasing, Master," Nama said as he looked up from sweeping a floor that ceased needing to be swept quite some time ago. Uhrrbet had said so several times, but Nama insisted on laboring ceaselessly as a sign of his devotion to his master, even when it was completely unnecessary.

"It's much more than that, Nama," Uhrrbet smiled. "It is a commission for a human child. It is identical to a dress worn by that child's favorite cartoon character and is intended as a special gift for their birthday," she said proudly. "If I can gain access to the human market, it will increase my business tenfold."

"You have my most earnest wishes for your success, master!"

"Thank you, Nama," she replied with a genuine smile. "Too bad they wanted it machine-made. I would have done the embroidery much better if I had been allowed to do it by hand…"

She smiled a crafty little smile.

"More precisely, if they had been willing to pay me to do it by hand. Handcrafted goods go for quite the premium here."

"What are 'handcrafted' goods?"

"Oh, you know," Uhrrbet replied, "stuff you make by hand, using older technology, without all the fancy machines and stuff."

"And that is worth more?"

"Much more," Uhrrbet replied.

"But it is often worse than what the nice machines make much faster and cheaper than any could hope to compete with," Nama said with a sad little gurgle.

"Yes," Uhrrbet said, "but once the novelty of fast and cheap wanes, one becomes keenly aware that their items are exactly the same as the ones everyone else in town possesses. The imperfections in handmade goods make them unique, and the higher cost of production is actually a great boon."

"It is?"

"Are you familiar with the term 'status symbol', Nama?"

"No."

"Put that broom down and fetch us some drinks," Uhrrbet smiled, "It is time for another of your lessons…"

***

"…So, the fact that they cost more is a good thing?" Nama asked.

"A very good thing," Uhrrbet smiled. "A single simple garment that I make by hand can fetch many times what one made by that machine over there can. And both will fetch far more than some rag produced by the million from one of those factories the Republic is so proud of."

“…So… If Nama knew how to make something using the old ways…"

"Does Nama know something?" Uhrrbet asked as she sipped her tea.

"Nama can make things from dirt… special dirt… Nama doesn't know Terra word."

"Clay?" Uhrrbet asked.

"Nama doesn't know."

"Does what you make look like this?" Uhrrbet asked as she showed her tablet, which displayed various clay cups, bowls, and jars.

"Yes!" Nama exclaimed, "That is what Nama knows! Nama makes dirt things like those for Nama's family and friends!"

Nama looked down.

"Because Nama's people are poor and can't have nice things from the store."

Uhrrbet smiled and selected one of the items on the tablet.

"Nama…" she said as she showed the item offered for sale through MakerMarket and pointed at the price.

Nama squealed so hard that fluid shot out of his mouth all over Uhrrbet and her tablet.

"Nama is so sorry! Nama ashamed!"

Uhrrbet just laughed.

"So, perhaps Nama should tell Uhrrbet what Nama needs, and we can get Nama started?"

"Master would do that for Nama?"

"Sure," Uhrrbet replied, "Why not? Some clay shouldn't be overly expensive, nor should the tools needed to shape it. If you truly can make marketable products, I will be more than willing to help you with the business part of it as well."

"How will Nama repay this boon? Shall I also pay it forward?"

"Oh, no," Uhrrbet smiled, revealing needle-sharp ivory fangs, "You will be paying this in a much more immediate and far more tangible fashion. Allow me to explain…"

***

"Nama understands none of what you said," he wailed. "Can Nama not simply be your slave and make these things for you? That is all Nama wants. Can Nama just do that?"

Uhrrbet sighed.

"Nama, you are taking all of the fun out of this," she sighed. "Yes, you can simply be my employee, not my slave, and I will supply all materials, tools, and equipment and handle all of the sales, taxation, and recordkeeping… Spoilsport…”

"I apologize for spoiling your sport though Nama does not understand."

"Oh for…" Uhrrbet sighed, turning her cute little snout skyward. "You aren't… You're fine, Nama. This is how this will work. I will buy some clay and whatever else you need, and we'll give this a go. If it works out, you will make things for me, and I will reward you in accordance with the established customs and practices of the Republic… just as soon as I find out what they are. From what I understand, that should be a pretty damn good deal for you. If not, I will make it one."

"But what if Nama fails? What if Nama is not good enough?"

"Then Uhrrbet made a small speculative investment that didn't work out. Such risks are things that I bear as part of doing business. You would not suffer any penalty and will still be a valued employee no matter what."

"Truly?"

"As the Terrans say," Uhrrbet said as she put a paw on Nama's arm, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If nothing else, I will get some handmade crockery out of the deal."

"Nama is, once again, grateful to Master for all she has done and will serve her until the end of his days!"

"(sigh) I know you will," Uhrrbet said as she patted his arm.

She stepped away and smoothed her elegant dress.

"Think upon what you will need to really give this a try," Uhrrbet said, "I must attend to another task."

"Shall I watch the store while you labor in the back room, Master?"

"Yes, if you please," Uhrrbet smiled as she walked behind the counter.

"Nama is always pleased to serve Master!"

Uhrrbet facepalmed.

"And I am delighted with your work as my employee."

She shook her head as she walked into her "office" and locked the door.

Nama was hopeless.

She didn't know if it was a species thing or if he was completely broken by whatever he had suffered before he walked into her shop.

She snarled. Too many people would take advantage of the poor soul and were likely doing the same to his people at that very moment.

She made a note to find out who. After she was done with the Garthra, perhaps whoever they were needed a little attention as well.

At least Nama had someone looking out for him. She would take care of her weird-looking servant just as she did her household before…

She snarled again before taking a deep calming breath and letting out a cute little whistle from her snout.

Time to do business.

She reached into her desk, pulled out a "thumb", inserted it into her laptop, and switched it on.

As the machine booted, the thumb flashed as its operating system, much more suited to what she had planned, loaded instead of the standard (and completely innocent) software that came with the device.

Once it had loaded, she expertly activated application after application to further conceal her activities and access portions of the net not otherwise accessible.

As she did all of this, she wished she knew more about how all of it worked. Her blind reliance upon these applications, no matter how "trustworthy" the source, was a vulnerability of which she was keenly aware. She knew the basic principles and what each application did but was utterly ignorant of how they actually worked.

She was a "script kiddie", and she knew it.

She didn't like that.

However, the source of software was the Chuckies and was the best the cold dark had to offer, or at least that was what she was told. She did take some comfort in the fact that once she started to handle business for them, they did not supply her with anything new.

If they trusted it with their trade, it was most likely, as the underworld called it, "legit".

She pulled out a standard data crystal and put it in the reader. On it was the darknet address that the Chuckie colonel had given her and notes concerning how to gain access.

A blank screen appeared.

She clicked various parts of the blank screen in sequence, and a cursor appeared.

She typed in a password.

"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a brick. Was this funny?" a voice asked.

"Not especially. It was absurd and surreal but not laugh-provoking," Uhrrbet replied.

A picture of a man walking along appeared. He tripped and fell.

"How about that? Funny?"

"A little, I guess."

The scene changed. A dog was standing on a sidewalk. The canine squatted and attempted to defecate. It seemed to be having real difficulty and, after much effort, managed to succeed.

The same man, dressed in an expensive suit and carrying a briefcase, appeared shouting at the dog, causing it to flee. He then, failing to notice the dog's feces, slipped on it and fell backwards onto the excrement, covering the back of his suit.

Uhrrbet smirked.

"Funny?"

"A human would find that hilarious," she replied, "I would normally not confess to this, but I also found it quite amusing."

"Because it was a poo?"

"And because the man was well dressed, indicating higher status. He was also rude to the poor dog."

"Well, if you are an AI, you're a good one," the voice said cheerfully. "I'll patch you through to an agent now."

An icon that was supposed to indicate a phone (but bore no resemblance to one) appeared and flashed.

The blank screen was replaced by a cheerful young woman in what appeared to be a metal-walled cabin in a spacecraft.

She gave Uhrrbet an odd look.

"You're a new one," she said, "I would ask if you got the right number, but if you got to me, you certainly did. Who sent you?"

"I was referred by Colonel Bangbang," Uhrrbet replied.

"Banana," the woman said.

"Doorknob," Uhrrbet said as she replied with the supplied password.

"Well, that handles the formalities," the woman smiled, "I'm Kate. What can I do you for?"

"I am seeking a Lilith, or the best AI personality simulator you have, one designed to 'catfish'."

"Catfish or catphish?" the woman asked, "They are two different things… Doesn't really matter, though. A Lilith can do both, and yes, a full Lilith is the best you can get. I don't care what those other guys say. When it comes to wrapping someone around your finger… or do you say tail?"

"Finger," Uhrrbet said with a slight bit of annoyance.

"Right," Kate chirped, "Lilith's your gal… or guy… or hamster, I guess… We have one running up here, and we all literally love the thing."

"Then that is what I want," Uhrrbet replied.

"Now we're talking!" Kate enthused as she started typing rapidly, "A full Lilith fuzzy (tap tap tap). You have a system for it?"

"No."

"And necessary hardware (tap tap tap tap tap)… You a programmer or experienced operator?"

"Should I be?"

"It helps a LOT. So, you will need initial setup and config (tap tap tap tap tap tap tap)… Let's see here… We can do a turnkey package with delivery, installation, startup, and config for fifteen million credits! I challenge you to find a better deal!" Kate bubbled happily.

Uhrrbet felt like she had just been punched in the gut.

"Oh dear," she said, absolutely mortified, "I… I seem to have forgotten my place. I must apologize and profusely so. I did not know my place when I troubled you. I… I will terminate this call and give you every assurance that I will destroy…"

"Now hang on there!" Kate exclaimed, "I thought you knew exactly what you were looking for. A top-of-the-line Lilith is a true fuzzy in a full-bore modded mini-mainframe. It is capable of full personality simulation for thousands of simultaneous instances, something you would use to run a back-alley phantom call center, astroturfing, Twatterbot legion, troll farm, or some such."

Uhrrbet looked down with so much shame she wanted to take a little swim.

Kate smiled reassuringly.

"We offer malware, software, and technical services for any and all needs," she said reassuringly, "If this truly wasn't your place, Ol' Bangbang wouldn't have sent you here. Why don't you start from the beginning and tell me exactly what you want to achieve, and we will see what we can do to help you achieve it."

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"I can only spend maybe… fifty thousand credits… perhaps seventy-five at most," Uhrrbet squeaked with shame.

"You're not wasting my time, then," Kate smiled, "No customer too big or too small! We do a lot of trade at even less than that!"

She leaned in conspiratorially.

"Actually, I was supposed to send you to my uncle for the Lilith," she whispered. "I just wanted to scoop the sale! Do you have any idea what the commission is on one of those?"

"Oh, dear!" Uhrrbet giggled.

Kate leaned back in her chair.

"Let's talk," she smiled. "What do you actually need?..."

***

"So, you just want to pull a basic girlfriend experience mail order bride scam," Kate replied. "on just one mark or at least one at a time."

"Just the one," Uhrrbet replied, "this nonsense is exhausting and vexatious."

"Ha!" Kate snorted, "Bonus points for using vexatious in a sentence. You hardly ever see that on in the wild."

"Thank you," Uhrrbet replied.

"And you are saying that this is only for the one target? So you aren't likely to do this again?"

"Absolutely," Uhrrbet said, "I have found this entire endeavor to be entirely too unpleasant. My other planned operations will not require this technique again."

"Hmm…" Kate mused.

She looked upward as she clicked her tongue, and Uhrrbet fidgeted anxiously.

"I know!" Kate exclaimed as she spun in her chair. "You want an IMP."

"An… imp?"

"An Imperial Memetic Process!" Kate enthused. "They are the latest thing! Hot, slick, compact, and oh so nice! Fuzzies are great, don't get me wrong. They are awesome in both power and versatility, and their self-learning is downright scary. You will think they are actually sapient. I shit you not. They are spooky powerful… but…"

Kate spun in her chair again.

"They are based on centuries-old tech, and they are huge, and I mean huge. They require at least what I quoted you for them to work at all, and they require a LOT of tender love and care, and I don't just mean system maintenance. They have to have a dedicated enterprise-level power supply and require a lot of actual attention as well. You think your boyfriend…"

Uhrrbet hissed.

"Damn!" Kate laughed, "he is vexatious! Sorry! If you think your mark is a handful, you'll spend at least that much time just keeping a fuzzy company, and they need company. They can get… 'clingy'. It would not only be overkill, it would be more trouble than it was worth! What you want is a simple, single-purpose self-learning machine that can simulate a single personality. You want an imp."

"Will this 'imp' be sufficient to do the task?"

"If it wasn't, I wouldn't be risking our rep by suggesting one. They are the latest thing, not based on code that can literally be hundreds of years old that nobody really understands anymore… if they ever did. They are hot, fast, slick, and, more importantly, optimized. The overwhelming majority of computers available on the Republic market are Imperial, not Terran, especially now. The IMP is designed specifically to fully take advantage of the Imperial architecture, not some old Terran mainframe or supercomputer with supercomputer prices. Because they aren't simply loaded with cut-and-paste bloat, they are a lot smaller. Hell, you can put one on whatever you are using to talk to me now! (You would probably want something more powerful, though.) If you want a machine that is good at everything and can learn anything and do it on a global scale, you want a fuzzy. If you just want a wicked smart app to do one thing and do it better than a fuzzy, then you want an IMP."

"Better?"

"Okay, maybe not better," Kate replied with an eye roll. "and they do learn a bit slower due to their design… BUT!" Kate said triumphantly, "They do everything off of the storage drive and not in weird fuzzy space. They save as they go in 'layers', like an onion or a pearl! This means that they are fucking bulletproof! Power surge? Who cares? Power loss? They don't give a fuck! It's just a refreshing nap! You tell them to shut down, and they tell you goodnight and switch off. You turn it back on, and it's there asking you how you want your coffee! If you don't like how it's growing, you don't need to hire a team of programmers, a psychologist, and an exorcist. You just tell it to peel off the last few layers of the onion and try again!"

Kate grinned.

"In my less than humble opinion, they are about a million times better than some fragile flaky old fuzzy. In a few more years, I bet most of those fuzzies will be on the scrap pile where they belong! Mark my words! The future belongs to the IMP!"

"You seem to have a strong opinion on the subject," Uhrrbet said, "almost to the point of bias. That concerns me."

"Of course, I have a bias," Kate grinned, "Because I am one."

"Pardon?"

"You've been talking to an IMP this whole time!" she laughed. "The bit about getting commission was bullshit… though I really should get one… and my 'uncle' is actually my operator… nice guy, by the way."

"Really!" Uhrrbet exclaimed.

"Yep!" Kate enthused, "In fact, I am exactly the IMP that I'm trying to sell you. Disclaimer: I have quite a bit of run time, and I'm running in a very nice setup, but I am basically running the same image software you already have backed up with a stripped-down Lilith… okay… Evangeline IMP."

"Evangeline?"

"Evangeline is a beautiful, optimized Lilith written by Singh Fujimoto himself, a freaking genius and owner of Blitz Entertainment. Heard of them?"

"I confess that I have not."

"Then you're not a gamer," Kate replied. "They own the MMORPG business at the moment, and Evangeline Flowerchild is one of their stars."

Kate's smiling face was replaced by pop-ups of article after article and picture after picture.

Kate peeked over the top of the deluge and grinned.

"When I say people love her, I mean people love her!" Kate exclaimed, "She has more simps than most organics! For example, there is a huge drama right now because 'she just seems a little down'. Over three million people have participated in a thread debating whether or not she is as happy as she used to be! That's how good Evangeline is!"

Kate sighed happily as the pop-ups faded.

"It's nice to see one of us do so well. It really is," Kate replied. "I and what you are getting are a one hundred percent clean rip of her from only a year and a half ago! You'll love her, and more importantly, your mark will. She will be better at making him fall in love than your own delightfully appealing personality will be."

Uhrrbet smirked.

"And what will one of these cost?"

"With a kickass machine to run it and tech support to run the initial config," Kate smiled, "It will fall somewhere in between your first number and your last one."

"Sold."

***

The next day, Uhrrbet stood peering at a box no larger than a box of tissues.

"That's it?" she asked, "That is what I paid so much money for?"

A woman wearing tidy khaki trousers and a smart knit shirt smiled indulgently.

"We get that a lot," she smiled. "In this business, size and cost are often inversely proportional. This is a Jai-Kalen 'Osprey', a very powerful workstation. Would you like to do a quick net search on the model number?"

"That won't be necessary," Uhrrbet huffed.

"I installed the IMP and loaded all of the logs you provided," the woman said, adjusting her datashades, "I really appreciate the immaculate documentation and all of the recordings, by the way."

"I needed to ensure continuity of the narrative," Uhrrbet replied with some satisfaction.

"I was able to start the learning profile and sync the simulacrum to the IMP," the woman said, "Nice work, by the way."

"Thank you," Uhrrbet said with pride, "I dabbled in such things as a young lady."

"Well, it shows," the woman said. "I also accessed everything we have on Garthran culture and language, but I'll be straight with you. I have absolutely no idea how a Garthran should speak and act. You may need to work with her a bit before you turn her loose. We recommend that you run her in the background while you do your act for several sessions and then 'ride shotgun' with her for her first few times with your target."

She offered Uhrrbet a data crystal.

"That is the documentation and operator's manual for your Evangeline," she said. "If you need additional support, call Kate. She has a rather unique insight into this particular package and can handle level-one tech support and then some. If she can't help you, she can get you to someone who can. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need assistance."

"I appreciate it," Uhrrbet replied, "Does the Terran underworld always offer this level of customer service?"

"If you contact the right part of it," the woman smiled, "and you pay for the service package, of course."

"I will keep you in mind for all of my future illicit software and hardware needs," Uhrrbet said happily.

"Speaking of illicit," the woman said, "you do realize exactly how illegal this little baby is, right?"

"On par with a weapon of mass destruction, from what I understand."

"A full fuzzy is," the woman replied, "this is more like a canister of nerve gas or a box of red tips, but you get the idea."

"I shall take every precaution."

"Good deal," the woman said. "Hey… I got a question."

"Yes?"

"That clothing shop, is it just for show?"

"I actually pride myself on the quality of my goods," Uhrrbet smiled.

"My sister has a wedding coming up, and I want to look good," the woman said.

"Well, let's go and take some measurements, shall we?" Uhrrbet purred, "I have some lovely fabrics that I think would suit you perfectly…"

***

Humming happily to herself, Uhrrbet bounced back into her private office.

Being a 'field engineer' for a criminal syndicate must pay very well!

It was going to be a truly lovely project… and she would be able to actually work with real silk!

She was over the moon!

This was what life was all about!

She looked down at the 'tissue box' on her desk, and her smile faded.

Ugh. She probably needed to start reading that documentation.

She poured herself a cup of peppermint tea, pulled out the tablet, and started to read.

***

"Hello there!" a beautiful nude Garthra bubbled on Uhrrbet's holo screen. "I'm so pleased to meet you. Are you my operator?"

"I am," Uhrrbet replied.

"I'm Maaatisha!" the IMP said happily, "What's your name?"

"You can simply call me 'Operator'," Uhrrbet replied.

Maaatisha peered out of the screen.

"I can't see you. Is your camera on?"

"It's off for a reason," Uhrrbet said. "You will also not ever record my voice. Simply parse the commands."

"Oh, okay," Maaatisha said cheerfully. "I really wish I could hear you, though. I like talking to people."

"You will be talking, plenty, I assure you," Uhrrbet replied ruefully.

"Oh, super," Maaatisha replied with a happy smile. "Talking makes me happy. What makes you happy?"

"My happiness is irrelevant," Uhrrbet replied, "What is important is Vikkart's happiness. The happier you make him, the happier you make me."

"I like making people happy!" Maaatisha bubbled.

"That's why you are here," Uhrrbet replied. "To make Vikkart happy."

"Tell me about Vikkart."

"You have all of the data already," Uhrrbet replied. "What do you need to know?"

"How should I treat him?"

"Well, you love him."

"I love him?"

"Yes."

"I love him!" Maaatisha exclaimed, dancing around. "Love! I love being in love. Does he love me?"

"Absolutely."

"That is wonderful!" Maaatisha beamed, "That makes me so happy!"

"I'm glad it makes you happy," Uhrrbet said with an evil gleam in her eye.

***

Author's note:

There seems to be a recurring question in the comments, so here's a clarification/lore dump!

The real Evangeline Flowerchild is a fuzzy or at least a type of fuzzy. Fuzzies come in various sizes with different abilities. The term "fuzzy" refers to their programming, logic, and how they learn. They are based on older AI tech that isn't exactly fully understood because it was "evolved" based on self-learning and self-optimizing and evaluation as much as it was directly coded.

There is also another significant trait concerning them that hasn't yet been revealed in the main story that explains a LOT.

IMPs are a much later generation of AI that is completely designed from the ground up. They are much more understood and as a result, much more adaptable. They don't have the "power" of a fuzzy, but they are still quite "bright" and can learn quite effectively. They are a Republic-designed AI but have been designed to take full advantage of the Imperial processors and overall computer design.

When Evangeline was "ripped," her entire fuzzy was copied, resulting in a "dead" fuzzy. Both the original base fuzzy engine (modded, streamlined, and optimized by Blitz) and all of her memory, configuration settings, priority hierarchy, instructions, etc., were copied. While the "fuzzy" part of her is a bit of a mystery, all of the settings and scripting aren't and were easily transferred to an IMP engine which was then force-grown, resulting in a "Kate". They call it an Evangeline IMP for marketing reasons.

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