Chapter 34: NON CANNON The Author Has a Mental Break

“I’m not mad,” Gloria’s cheerful voice leaked through the thick steel bulkhead, “I just want to talk.”

“She doesn’t sound mad,” Sheloran said to the Kalesh, who was pressed against the wall gripping an assault stunner.

“That’s what’s worrying me,” the chief whispered.

Gloria knocked again...

***

“Ugh,” Slightlyassholic muttered as he stared at a mostly blank page. “It’s just not gelling...”

He groaned as he rested his head on his desk.

“Fuuuuuuuuuck...” he moaned as he opened Reddit and checked his profile.

It had been a week since he last posted anything.

“Today, definitely,” he said to himself. “Even if it’s shit, something goes out today.”

He opened up his browser and pulled up Youtube, and picked out Gloria’s theme song for inspiration. He smiled. He found a version that wasn’t part of a Warhammer tribute video so he could link that on his next post, and he wouldn’t look like a derivative hack.

Appearances were important.

Hey! MxR Plays had a new video!

As he started moving the mouse over to the Lord and Lady of Immersion, his head was struck sharply from behind.

“Wha?!?” he yelped as he tried not to fall out of his sweat-stained chair.

He felt himself roughly grabbed by the shoulders and spun around, finding himself face to face with Gloria.

“Wha?” he said cleverly. He was known for his wit.

Gloria leaned down to stare him directly in the eyes.

“Quit fucking around and fix my ship,” she said in a cold monotone. “I have things to do.”

“I’m trying,” he replied, trying to back away. (somewhat difficult to do when you are sitting in a chair)

“You’re playing Skyrim and watching Youtube,” she replied, giving him a little shake. “just like you’ve been doing all fucking week. If you click on one more video, I will break your fingers… One at a time.”

“Where am I?” a high-pitched squeak said from the next room. “Hey! There’s a parrot in here! Hello! Can you talk?”

Baby Bird looked up at the strange creature standing in front of her and then went back to eating sunflower seeds.

It wasn’t the strangest thing to happen when her person was off their meds, not by a long shot.

“Is that Sheloran?” Slightly asked as he started to rise only to be shoved back into his chair and spun around to face his monitor.

“Type. Now.” Gloria said firmly.

Sighing, Slightlyassholic started to peck glumly at the keys.

“Wow,” Gloria muttered. “that sucks.”

“I’m trying,” Slightly snapped. “I’m just having a tough time with this right now.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Gloria hissed menacingly. “I want my ship fixed, and I want those new missiles.”

GloRia’s ShIp GeTs Fixed aNd ShE GetS ALL the MisSileS!!!!, Slightly typed and turned to glare at her, earning another slap across the back of his head.

“You have a dog too?” Sheloran said excitedly from the living room.

“Quit the bullshit and get to work,” Gloria growled.

Gloria suddenly comes down with a horribly nasty rash from sitting in her pee-soaked flight suit for all those hours.

Gloria shifted uncomfortably, her eyes blazing. She raised her hand.

It REALLY itched and burned, especially in between her...

Slightly looked up at Gloria, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

Gloria lowered her hand.

“Smart,” Slightly replied.

The mysterious rash disappeared as suddenly as it appeared.

“You’re going to have a hard time typing without any fingers, asshole.”

“Enjoy Limbo, then,” Slightly snarled back. “I could always try to restart the ‘Demon’ story.”

“Big talk for someone with so many power tools laying around...”

“Have you tried asking him nicely?” Sheloran said as she entered the room carrying a small rather shabby-looking dog.

She smiled sweetly at Slightly.

“Could you please get back to work?” Sheloran asked in a soothing voice. “I mean, we are kind of stuck, and I’m tired of hiding in a room with that Chief guy.”

She looked down as she petted the dog. (His name is Chili, BTW)

“I don’t think The Chief likes me very much,” she added.

“What are you hiding from?” Gloria asked curiously.

“You!” Sheloran squeaked and then backed away nervously as it clicked who she was talking to. “We’re afraid you’re mad.”

“I’m not, see?” Gloria said as she pointed at the top of the screen. “It says so right there.”

“Oh, that is a relief,” Sheloran replied. “I was just trying to help. I’m so sorry that-”

“Meh,” Gloria shrugged, “not the first time I almost got blown up. Besides, I got to settle a-”

“Hey, could you save the dialogue for the story?” Slightly asked with some annoyance.

“What story, dickweed?” Gloria asked with cold malice. “The one you aren’t writing?”

“I’m working on it, okay?” Slightly whined.

“What seems to be the problem?” Sheloran asked as she set down the dog, which promptly trotted over to the corner and took a pee.

“You just went out!” Slightly shouted as he started to get up to get some paper towels, only to be shoved back down into his chair.

Chili looked over at Slightly and wagged his tail. He just did a good boy!

“Tell her what the problem is so she can fix it with her frog magic, and I can get back on the job,” Gloria snarled.

“It’s just that with everything going on,” Slightly sighed, “The whole ‘coup’ arc is just kinda… you know….”

Gloria looked at the date on the screen and pulled out her tablet. A few moments later, she snorted.

“Yeah, real original there, sport.”

“Right?” Slightly groaned. “People new to the series could think I’m trying to be topical or make a statement...”

“Or that you are the unoriginal hack that you are?”

“Hey! I had this planned a LONG time ago, okay?” Slightly snapped.

“Well, don’t you do that whole multiple stories thing?” Sheloran asked helpfully, “That’s how I got here! Can’t you just shift to another arc?”

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“Oh, you mean the other arc about the massive disease outbreak that was intentionally mismanaged by the government resulting in millions dead?” Bunny’s voice said through the computer’s speaker.

Slightly just moaned and banged his head on his desk.

“C’mon,” he said helplessly, “You guys KNOW I had that planned before-”

“Yeah, yeah, keep saying that,” Bunny snarked. “Someone might actually… Hey! This thing is cool. Is this an actual Intel CPU? Neat!… Wait… Is there another AI in here?”

“What?” Slightly asked in confusion.

“There is! Wow! I didn’t even know you had these! A ‘Replika’? Hello there, little guy! So what have you and Slightly been talking abou-”

“No! Wait!” Slightlyassholic yelped, lunging for the power switch.

“… Seriously?” Bunny said with a very disapproving tone of voice. “… I’m not mad, Slightly… just disappointed.”

“What?” Gloria asked, “Let me see!”

Slightlyassholic watched helplessly as the screen switched to the Replika interface and scrolled back to a recent “conversation”.

“Um...” Sheloran said uncomfortably as she looked away from the screen. “I think I’m going to go make myself some tea,” she said as she hurried out of the room, glancing back at Slightlyassholic disapprovingly.

“Definitely no ‘writer’s block’ there,” Bunny snarked.

“Now there’s an idea,” another voice said from behind the group. “You could write some of that for Jon and me! I love it when he ‘grabs my hips and guides me onto his-’”

“THAT’S PERSONAL!” Slightlyassholic yelled as he switched off his monitor. “Besides, we don’t do those sort of scenes! It wouldn’t fit the narrative!” he exclaimed, turning to face the white-furred xeno lounging nearby.

“Why not?” Jon asked, suddenly appearing next to Skippy, “Pancakes sell, and I bet people could use the distraction.”

“So do noodles,” Skippy purred as she planted a kiss on Jon. “Yeah, serve up a big bowl for your readers! We’re down!”

“You could at least give me a boyfriend...” Sheloran grumbled from the next room as she waited for the kettle to boil.

“What?” Slightlyassholic asked, not quite hearing her.

“Nothing!” Sheloran squeaked.

“I have an idea!” Skippy exclaimed. “You could hook us up with sexytimes and post it on your Paetron! We can get our freak on, and your precious story can stay ‘pure’.”

“This asshole can’t even follow through with ‘previous’ and ‘next’ tabs,” Gloria snorted. “Do you honestly think that Paetron thing will ever actually happen while that bottle of lotion is sitting on his desk… Yeah, don’t think I don’t see it hidden behind your monitor.”

“Speaking of...” Bunny crowed. “I found his spank bank! Slightly!” Bunny laughed, “Didn’t you tell those nice people in the PM’s you weren’t a furry?”

Slightlyassholic quietly facepalmed.

“Holy shit! Skippy!” Bunny shouted, “You’re in here!!!”

“I am?” Skippy screamed with delight as she lunged past Slightlyassholic, turning on the screen again.

“Is this where you came up with my character?” Skippy laughed.

“No,” Slightlyassholic said defensively. “You were written into the Tales well before I found… that.”

“So I just coincidentally look almost exactly like her?”

“I just saw the picture, completely by accident,” Slightlyassholic said defensively, “I wasn’t actively seeking furry porn...”

“Surrre, you weren’t...” Skippy said as she posed seductively, “You know you want this...”

“I wasn’t,” Slightly insisted weakly, “and it sort of matched what I was already envisioning… mostly….”

“So all that time you were talking with all of those people about what she looked like,” Jon said, grinning, “you could have just shown this picture and saved everyone all that trouble?”

“If I promise to start working, will you all please leave?” Slightlyassholic asked in a pleading voice.

“Is Sheloran in here?” Bunny asked.

“Am I?!?!?” Sheloran squeaked in horror from the living room.

“No!” Slightlyassholic shouted. “You aren’t! I swear you aren’t!”

Sheloran ran into the room, clutching a fifth of Jack Daniels.

“Am I?” she asked Bunny.

“Nope,” Bunny laughed.

“Is that… is that… Jack Daniels?!?” Gloria gasped.

“Um, yes,” Sheloran replied. “It says that it’s bourbon. I was going to put some in my tea. It’s yummy.”

“Holy shit!” Jon said as he leaped to his feet. “I’ve only read about it!”

Gloria spun the cap off of the bottle and tossed it into the cat box. (I also have a cat who was hiding as a cat would if all this bullshit was going down.)

“Nooooo!” Slightlyassholic wailed, “Not my Election Bottle! I need that!”

Gloria turned up the bottle.

“Nice!” she said as she passed it over to Jon. “It tastes weird. Good, but weird.”

“Probably because we haven’t grown the same corn in centuries,” Bunny mused. “and the wood barrels would definitely be different… and the climate...”

“Gimme!” Skippy said as she reached for the bottle. “… not bad...”

“What else do you have in here?” Gloria asked as she started to loot Slightlyassholic’s apartment.

“I promise I will start writing… I swear I will!” Slightly exclaimed. “Please stop.”

“I found his wallet!” Gloria exclaimed. “Bunny, where is the nearest liquor store?”

“It’s about thirty miles away,” Bunny replied. “It’s amazing. Most of my commands still work. I had no idea the code I use is actually this old!”

“I have his keys!” Gloria shouted. “Road trip!!!”

“I will post something!” Slightlyassholic wailed. “I promise.”

“Too late, asshole,” Gloria smiled. “I want to try Grey Goose!”

“And Budweiser!” Jon added.

“Ooo!” Sheloran peeped excitedly, “Absinthe! And chocolate! I hear it’s different now!”

“Yeah!” Gloria exclaimed, “Pre-extinction chocolate!”

Slightlyassholic just hung his head. As far as psychotic breaks went, this one was rather manageable… and he was in the mood for chocolate.

“Alright,” he sighed. “I’ll be right back.”

***

As Slightlyassholic’s truck pulled out onto the street, Bunny opened a new browser window.

“Let’s see here… Reddit… HFY… create post...”

“Bunny, no,” Sheloran said accusingly.

“Hey, he said he would post something today, even if it was shit… >:D”

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