Chapter 5: Gunboat Diplomacy

The Federation ship Magnanimous slowly wound its way through a dense cluster of asteroids. The small asteroids had been towed years ago to surround a mining and ore processing center, but regardless of their original purpose, the rebel Z'uush had turned them into deathtraps. These sorts of places had taken many Z'uush Planetary Defense and even a few Federation vessels. It seemed like the insurgents had obtained more than just weapons from the Terrans. They were starting to fight like them as well. There was nothing honorable about them left. They were just a festering wad of pure hate, dirty tricks, and the overwhelming desire to kill.

Taking this fortification was not the cakewalk they expected when they arrived months ago. Z'uush warriors? The thought was comical.

Captain Mozzux clenched his mouth ridges in a frown remembering how he had chafed at receiving the orders to come here. He thought it an assignment "beneath" himself and his ship. A Horizon class battleship performing a police action against some rabble? Ridiculous. Now, months later, he just hoped he could get his ship and crew out of here in one piece. He did not want to end up like the Hopeful.

They proved that even Horizon class ships weren't safe out here.

"Make sure you scan each asteroid with everything you have. Miss nothing." He told his crew, trying to keep the nervousness out of his voice. Any of these damn rocks could be a "Z'uush hand grenade", a typical looking asteroid with a little present inside. Those multi-eyed bastards were damn good miners, a fact that initially was disregarded, even viewed with disdain. Simple miners playing at being soldiers? Ha!

Now, not so much.

They could drill down into an asteroid, cut it so it would fragment in huge chunks, and line it with Terran-style explosives or a nuke, all the while making it look completely normal both visually and on scans. Any ship getting too close, regardless of class, could be shredded in an instant.

There were hundreds of asteroids close by. Any of them could be serious trouble. They were weaving through this mess, and for what? A fortified factory with maybe a couple hundred Z'uush at most? Even once they got through the minefield, their marines would then have to enter the hellscape inside. They could expect to lose several times more men than they would kill or capture.

All of this from fighting some meek little Z'uush. Medical analysis of killed or captured Z'uush explained it. When "pushed" hard enough, their brains would actually physically change, and they would stop being meek easily pushed around laborers. Instead, they would become something ugly, almost Terran. It was way too easy for a Z'uush to become "feral".

The Z'uush government knew about this, of course. It was a quirk of their biology and something that they would quietly "treat" if someone became troublesome. The "treatment" was disturbingly inhumane anywhere but especially in the Federation. The captain flared his nostrils in vexation. He had always considered himself part of the "good guys". Now, he wasn't so sure.

He was considering resigning after this mission. He wasn't sure if the Federation was something he wanted to fight for anymore. He found himself thinking of his father's algae farm wistfully far too often. He could go back. There the filth clinging to him would simply wash off. Yes, he decided. After this one, he was done. His father would be thrilled.

A loud beeping snapped him back to reality.

"Captain, we have just detected multiple hyperspace signatures… one of them is huge..."

"What is it? Can you identify them?"

The sensor operator started hyperventilating.

"What do you see?" The captain asked in alarm.

"Sir… It's a Terran carrier group. Oh, Gods... It's the Retribution!"

The captain's blood ran cold. The Retribution… It was the stuff of nightmares. It was one of the monsters of the Terran war. Its appearance heralded doom. Its escorts were scarcely better. Most of them had names that sent a chill down any Federation captain's spine. It was a demon king leading a monstrous horde. The gates of Hell traveled with them.

The captain was unable to suppress a shudder. Were we at war again? Dear Gods, don't let us be at war again! That fleet could wipe out every single Federation and allied Z'uush ship in the system in a few hours, and he had absolutely no doubt they would do it with a song in their hearts. There would be no mercy.

"Get us out of these rocks and into open space! Get me Command now!"

***

Ambassador Jon Wintersmith lounged in his office chair with a huge bowl of popcorn, watching all holy Hell breaking loose on the Federation networks. It seemed that someone leaked a colossal volume of confidential and classified information to the press. He grabbed another handful of popcorn and wondered how much Sheila sold it for or if she actually gave something away for once. He shook his head and grinned. This was fantastic. Terran Intelligence was probably pissed off that they lost some potential leverage but who cares. This shitshow made it all worthwhile.

He raised his coffee mug in salute to the picture of Sheila Donovan he now kept on his desk.

"God, I love you. I absolutely fucking love you!" He drained his mug and returned his attention to the screen.

"Councilor! Councilor! Do you have any comment concerning the newfound information that indicates that the allegations that triggered the invasion of Terran space were not only unfounded but that this was known prior to the invasion? Did you lie to us? Do you have any idea how many million people lost their lives?"

A human was hurrying into a building, covering his face. Another human stepped in the way of the mob of reporters.

"Councilor Morgan has no comment at this time."

"Heh, I bet you don't, asshole," Jon said as he grabbed more popcorn. He looked at his watch. It would be any minute now.

He pulled out one of grandma's brownies. He should get ready to receive a guest or two.

Councilor K-shal-ta will pop one of his peckers over this one, he thought. He found himself looking forward to that muppet barging in for once. This was going to be fun!

***

Admiral Adam Nielsen walked onto the bridge of the Retribution.

"Hey, Captain, what we got?"

"Just peanuts, Sir. Two Horizon class battleships, six Protector class cruisers, and fifty-three Z'ussh system vessels."

"What do we know about the locals?"

"Not a whole bunch. They are mostly corvette and cutter class. Looks like their primary weapons are Federation phasers. The cutters also pack torpedo tubes. The corvettes are a joke, but those cutters have a good engine-to-mass ratio. That plus the torpedoes make them possibly the biggest threat, including the Horizons."

"Yeah, those actually look pretty decent." The admiral said approvingly as he looked at the screen.

"I'm going to launch a few Shrike squadrons. Those should be able to shred their cutters should they decide to be stupid."

"Sounds good. Just remind everyone that we aren't at war and don't wish to start one," The admiral grinned at the captain. "Not that I particularly give a fuck, but the brass back home will crawl up my ass if it happens."

"Yes, admiral. I will tell everyone to be on their best behavior."

"That goes for you too."

"Yes, sir," The captain said as he flashed a predatory grin.

***

Captain Mozzux just stared at the display. He knew that Terran carriers were huge, but nothing could really prepare someone for exactly how huge. The monstrosity was more like a giant space station than a starship. He kept looking at the measurements, especially the mass, in disbelief. It was the size of an asteroid. How did they even get something like that to move? Its defensive energy shields were weak, much weaker than the Magnanimous, but from what he knew, they were just to deflect debris.

Its primary defense was armor… An insane amount of armor. Analysis showed that it was primarily nickel-iron, much like many of the asteroids in the Sol system. It was as if they just melted down entire asteroids to make it. Knowing the Terrans, odds are that is what they actually did. The exact thickness of the armor wasn't known, but battlefield accounts showed it shrugging off impacts that would destroy anything the Federation had. Whether or not they had managed to inflict internal damage wasn't known. What was known is nothing had ever rendered it unable to fight.

The main guns of the Retribution were like nothing the Federation had ever seen. In addition to their signature projectiles, the carriers had "primitive" infra-red lasers. They might be primitive, but they were impossibly powerful. They shouldn't exist. Federation scientists simply could not explain them.

The exact power output wasn't exactly known. It was simply too great to accurately measure in battlefield conditions. When used for orbital bombardment, they have destroyed entire cities in moments. No deflector screen had a chance. It could cut his ship in half even from the edge of the system if he stood still long enough. A vessel's only defense was movement. It took time to bring that monster to bear. Shit, they weren't moving.

"Take evasive maneuvers, NOW!"

The captain shook his head in disbelief. And we attacked them? What were we thinking?

"Captain, they are launching Shrikes!"

"How many?"

"Um… One hundred and twenty..."

"What ?!?!?" Captain Mozzux no longer bothered keeping up a pretense of calm. Shrikes… It's not like he didn't know they were on board, but there were so many… The Shrike heavy fighter was just as bad as their AK-47 or perhaps even the carrier itself. Many considered it to be one of the perfect weapons of war. Fast, tough, and armed with gauss chain guns and rapid-fire fusion bomb launchers, they were responsible for more kills than any other Terran vessel. When used on a planet's surface, there was only one word to describe them, horror.

He suppressed an urge to flee. He wanted nothing more than to just jump to hyperspace and then retire in disgrace. It wasn't a bad idea, really. Algae farming… A good honest trade. But he had a duty to protect this system or at least try to. They could maybe buy enough time for a few civilian ships to jump.

"Get me the Z'uush Secretary of Defense."

A few minutes later, K'sul'ta'ren's face appeared on the screen.

"What is going on!" K'sul'ta'ren exclaimed.

"We have a Terran carrier fleet in the system. You need to start evacuating everyone now. Get as many ships moving as you can. Get everyone out of the cities and do it immediately. And whatever you do, do not have your ships try to engage the Terrans."

"We have the right to defend ourselves!"

"Are you an idiot? Do you have any idea what these monsters will do to you? First, they will wipe out your entire fleet and then start tearing apart your planet for kicks."

"Well, evacuating is not an option. We don't want to start a panic."

"So you are just going to hope that the Terrans don't do what Terrans do?"

"They won't do anything. It would be an act of war! They would incur the full wrath of the Federation!" K'sul'ta'ren said, raising himself to his full height.

"Are you kidding me?" Captain Mozzux replied with a sardonic laugh.

Before the Z'uush Secretary of Defense could respond, the communications officer interrupted them.

"Captain, the Terrans are broadcasting."

Captain Mozzux hung up on the Z'uush and turned his attention to the main screen. An old scarred Terran appeared.

"This is Admiral Adam Nielsen, commander of the Retribution task force. The Z'uush system is now under the protection of the Terran Republic. All Federation and Z'uush Planetary Defense vessels will power down their weapons and stand by for further instructions. We come in peace but will not hesitate to deal with any hostile forces in the manner for which we are known."

The signal shut off immediately thereafter.

"Captain?" One of the bridge officers asked.

"Power down weapons. Transfer everything to shields. Continue evasive maneuvers. They don't seem to be shooting, but when they do, let's not be a stationary target."

"The Federation vessels are powering down. The Z'uush ships are not," The captain said to Admiral Neilsen.

"Well, the Feds know what's good for them," the admiral said as he surveyed the system display. "Hmm, all the ships are holding position except for that one Horizon. It's wiggling like crazy. Which one is it?"

"Based on the engine signatures, we believe it to be the Magnanimous. Those are some pretty decent evasive maneuvers too. I can't figure out an algorithm, so it's impossible to hit with the BFG."

"Smart. I like that one. We will communicate with them from now on. Hopefully, they have some sense."

***

"Ambassador, Councilor… Skippy is here to see you," Toby announced over the intercom.

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"Councilor Skippy? Send them in," Jon said quizzically. Councilor "Skippy"? This was a new one.

A fluffy white thing bounced into his office. Jon was dumbfounded. Soft looking fuzzy white fur, long ears, a little pink nose, whiskers, and big brown oddly faceted eyes... The Federation just called in the fucking Easter Bunny.

"Greetings, Ambassador Wintersmith." The councilor squeaked in a high-pitched voice.

"Councilor… Skippy… I presume."

“Well my Xvli name is [email protected]~kthAAAaalliIi.”

"… Ah, Councilor Skippy then," Jon said, blinking with confusion. It took a lot to knock him off of his game, but a fucking Easter Bunny with a name that sounded like a broken hyperdrive pretty much managed to do the trick. "Please come in."

"Why, thanks a bunch!" Skippy said with a disarming scrunch of her nose as she bounced across his office and plopped into a chair. "I'm pretty sure you know why I'm here, but now I have an even more urgent concern."

"Oh?" Jon said in complete confusion.

"What is that?" Councilor Skippy asked as she pointed at the bowl on his desk, her cute little nose sniffing urgently.

"It's popcorn?"

"Could I have some?"

"Um… sure. Take the bowl."

"Oh, this is scrumptious!" Skippy said as she buried her face in the bowl, munching away. "Positively amazing. Popcorn… We need to discuss an export deal… later, of course."

"Um… I was expecting Councilor K-shal-ta…." Jon was more than a little confused. Things were definitely not going the way he was eagerly expecting.

"(munch munch) K-shal-ta (munch) no longer represents the (munch) Federation. I'm pretty sure (munch) you know why, my little sugar snap pea. (munch)."

"Oh?" Jon asked with a smile. "Why is that?"

"Don't (munch) insult my intelligence (munch). And while we are on the subject,(munch) do you have any knowledge concerning the location of (munch) one Terran known as Sheila Donovan and her Z'uush associates?"

"I thought she was incarcerated by the Federation. Last I saw, both her and her associates were being led away by Federation intelligence officers." Jon, finally getting back on track, said with a smile.

"Aha… cute. Aren't we a clever turnip?" Skippy said with a faint edge to her squeak. "Where. The. Fuck. Is. She? (munch)"

"The Nigerian Detention Center last I heard."

"Oh, you are going to get some mileage out of that one, aren't you, honey bunches of oats? (munch munch munch) I don't blame you, though. It's been making (munch) the rounds over on our side too. The time-honored Dizrank Gambit... I'm a fan of the classics, and (munch) it was done perfectly. K-shal-ta being a complete moron (munch) did help, though… The biggest security breach in Federation history and two ships as well."

"Two?"

"(munch) You didn't know about the second one, sweetie? They also stole a Starlancer. (munch)"

"No fucking way!" Jon said with a laugh. "I didn't know about the Starlancer," Jon said as he reached for the intercom. "Toby, could you whip up some more popcorn?"

"You are the awesomest! I have no idea why K-shal-ta said that you were an asshole," Skippy said with a happy nose scrunch. "Oh, before I forget, I meant to ask you something. Why the heck is there a Terran carrier fleet in the Z'uush system?"

***

Captain Mozzux's heart sang as he delivered the news to Secretary K'sul'ta'ren.

"WHAT?!?!?"

"You heard me, Secretary. They say that they are here to protect and evacuate Terran citizens."

"What Terran citizens?" K'sul'ta'ren shouted at Captain Mozzux.

"Well, it seems that contact was made between your insurgents and the Terran Republic, and a number of them have pledged allegiance to the Republic, and their appeal has been recognized and granted. In the eyes of the Republic, they are citizens."

"They can't do that!"

"Apparently, they can. They have reviewed the whole situation concerning this insurrection and its causes and state that they view it as valid. Therefore, as long as their new citizens do not start any hostile actions against the Federation from this point forward, they are not guilty of any crimes as far as they are concerned. They have, however, made it quite clear that their new citizens can defend themselves and that they will happily assist in that regard." Captain Mozzux said with the first smile he had since he came to this system. "Oh, and by the way, more z'uush are pledging allegiance by the second. It's a torrent. They are sending vessels to all stations and colonies in the system and will be landing on your planet shortly in order to process applications. I strongly advise not interfering."

"This is ridiculous! You can't possibly..."

"They know everything. They know everything about what started this excrement-laden war. And, for the record, the Federation knows everything as well. Not just some members of the council in your pocket, the entire council knows everything. The Federation public knows everything. I know everything."

"..."

"Yeah, you piece of shit. I know it all. I can't believe that the Federation… That I sent people to die over your excrement-laden government."

"You can't speak to me that way!"

"You seem to have a problem with knowing what someone can and can't do. The Terrans can accept whoever they want as citizens, and I can speak to you any way that I fucking please, you wasted spawn. You have oppressed your people to the point of rebellion, and you slimy egg thieves managed to get the Federation to assist you in murdering them."

"I will not stand by while you insult me. I will have your job over this."

"Good luck with that. After I discharge my duty here and my ship leaves this turd of a system, I am resigning in disgust. I seriously doubt you can get me fired from my father's muck farm, so lick my cloaca. Really get down in there. Considering the filth that spews from your mouth, I doubt you would have any problem."

Secretary K'sul'ta'ren started spluttering, gasping, and hiccuping in rage. Captain Mozzux looked over at his tactical display.

"Oh, to let you know, the Terran launches are reaching rebel territory and are approaching all other stations and colonies and will be there within two hours. I have also just been informed by the Republic fleet that vessels will be on your surface within six hours."

"We will blast them into atoms! If you won't stop them, we will!"

"I almost wish you would," Captain Mozzux said with a laugh. "Let me tell you what will happen if you do. In the first hour, all of your Planetary Defense craft will be gone. I'm not exaggerating. They will be completely destroyed. If we enter the fray, we will also be taken out about as quickly. Then, the Retribution will jump in and enter orbit around your planet. Shortly thereafter, all of your surface military installations will boil. Look up the Retribution's main guns if you don't know what they can do. After that, the Shrikes will come, and the fun really starts. Once they polish off any scraps the Retribution left of your military, they will begin the infrastructure raids. Every power plant, every spaceport, every road, every bridge, every monorail station and line, all industry... every single goddamn thing that keeps your planet running will be gone by day two at the latest," Captain Mozzux pauses to let all of that sink in.

"Then comes the landers. I don't know if you are familiar with Terran marine raiders. If you aren't, look them up. They are the cleaning crew. Any military you still have left will be torn to shreds. If you are having trouble with some insurgents, you are fucked. These guys are the real deal. During all of this also comes the part that I will actually be looking forward to should I still be alive. Their special operations teams will start 'targeted eliminations' of 'personnel essential to the current regime'. That is their gentle way of saying assassinations. They will come for the government. They will come for you. Don't think you will be able to escape. They will find you. The only officials that survive this are the ones that surrender. In your case, I wouldn't recommend it because of the crimes you and your bedfellows have committed. You would be subjected to Terran justice, in this case, a 'trial by your peers'. Those peers would be the newly minted z'uush citizens. I am completely certain that you would all be subjected to your 'complete re-education' as you so tastefully call it. Personally, I would prefer death. Running is your only chance. Who knows, you might be the first to pull it off."

"But the Federation..."

"Oh yeah, the Federation will try to stop them, but I've looked at the charts, and there are simply not enough ships that can get here fast enough to do much. By the time enough of a force gets here to do anything, your system will be a smoking ruin, and you will be dead. What happens after the Federation gets here is the only unknown. There may be war. There may not. Who knows. What I do know is that the Terrans absolutely do NOT give a fuck one way or the other. They aren't the ones afraid of a new war. We are, and they know it."

The Defense Secretary started hiccupping violently.

"Citizens or not, the Z'uush won't be permitted to leave until they have paid off their debts!"

"Are you listening to yourself right now?" Captain Mozzux asked with a laugh. "They have already addressed that little gem too. They say that you are free to sue any individual for any outstanding debts, and they will not obstruct a trial either in the Federation or the Terran Republic, but they are taking their citizens. Oh, and good luck getting a favorable ruling in either court. The 'company store' isn't going to fly very far at all, I'm afraid."

"So you are going to just let them trample us underfoot?"

"Yup. The latest from Command is to just hold position and observe to ensure that the Terrans don't do anything beyond what they have said they will do. If it is any consolation, Judiciary is reviewing the documents that were submitted, but it looks like they are airtight… well, airtight enough that we can say they are and pretend that we aren't backing down from an almost certain ass-kicking. Privately, the documents could just be pictures of their genitals, and it would get the stamp of approval. For all I know, they are. They like to do stuff like that."

"Without our labor caste, we are ruined," K'sul'ta'ren said miserably between hiccups.

"With every fiber of my being, I can say I truly do not give a fuck. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go shopping for a new muck suit and snorkel."

***

Councilor Skippy was giggling uncontrollably.

"Oh, whiskers and snot, that is hilarious! Terran citizens? I've heard of the Terran's propensity for crime, but to steal an entire population?!? This is one for the books!" Skippy continued to giggle happily. "Oh, and I love the brownies! These things are even better than popcorn!"

"Yeah… Grandma makes the best," Jon said with a grin. "Any species that can appreciate a good brownie is almost acceptable in my book."

"Well, I am touched. A Terran animal considers me almost acceptable. There is no higher praise," Skippy said between giggles. "There is one huge concern about all of this that the Federation, and far more importantly, I will have. How do we know the Z'uush will be well treated?"

"Oh, they will be better than well treated," Jon said as he reached into the popcorn bowl. "Mineral extraction and processing is our big industry both for export and for our own consumption. We can't mine fast enough in our own system, not to mention all of the untouched dead systems in our territory. Skilled miners, smelters, and refinery operators are in high demand, and their pay, benefits, and working conditions are determined by the most powerful of the Terran Gods, the free market. If they aren't happy with an employer, there is always another company that is hiring. With hourly pay, overtime, and bonuses, they can wind up making more than I do. Besides, unlike you, we don't keep captives. If they want to go crawling back to the Federation, they can… if they are willing to take the pay cut, who am I to stop them."

"Well, that's that, then," Skippy said with a giggle and a nose scrunch. "Oh, one thing. I know all about you, Colonel, and I know all about the people who put you here. You want a war, don't you? This little stunt in the Z'uush system could have easily started the war you are spoiling for," Skippy said in an even, serious tone.

"Meh, you weren't going to do shit," Jon said with an intentionally toothy smile. "We kicked your ass before, and we will do it again."

"I like you, but let's get one thing crystal clear, my little brussel sprout. You kicked the Federation's ass. You didn't kick our ass," Skippy said as she idly stretched out one of her paws, and three beautifully engraved long metal shod claws slid out. "We have our own fleet and our own army. The only Xvli you will see in those Federation pj's are those who wanted to play pretend and couldn't make the cut. The only reason you guys are so bouncy right now is that you didn't mix it up with us. We knew the war was pellets from the start. Same goes for several other systems. You act stupid enough, and you might get to meet us, and you don't want that. Oh, and if you ever give me that stupid smile again, I will shove my foot so far up your ass you will have good luck for the rest of your life... 'Kay?" She said with a cute little scrunch of her nose.

Jon slowly started to genuinely grin. "Hey, I'm about to go grab some lunch. Want to come?"

"I could eat."

"I'll take you to Sammy's. They have an excellent salad bar."

"Sammy's is crap. Let me take you to this Xvli noodle shop down in the dregs. You Terrans think you know noodles, but you don't know shit."

"Ok, now it's on fluffy-butt. There is no way you can back that up. Let's go."

***

After a long trek through a run-down neighborhood near the starport, Skippy led Jon into a dimly lit hovel where cauldrons of suspicious-looking oily liquid bubbled away. A ragged-looking Xvli smiled and plopped some lavender-colored "noodles" in two bowls and topped them with a scoop of... something... and handed it to them along with some mostly clean chopsticks.

Jon cautiously grabbed up a small portion of "noodles" and tried them.

It was transcendent.

"Holy shit," Jon said as he looked down at his bowl in amazement.

"Told ya," Skippy said with a grin.

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