Chapter 218: Chapter 204

I was denied my hamburgers. How cruel. A mere second after I changed into my usual dress, Tom stood already in front of my door holding a letter in my hand I wrote myself … apparently. It was definitely one of the letters Lucy White would write, with the seal of the White´s and even my signature.

“Stop weirding me out.” I looked at my own handwriting style and imagined Tom copying it perfectly. A shiver went down my spine as I touched the letter. “What´s written in there?”

“This and that … how ‘The Crown’ wreaked havoc with the Wolf Street Clan, how they released this monster and that they are capable of strong telekinesis … oh, and that they told you where the Wolf Street Clan lived.” He said proudly while handing me the letter over. “We need to get going fast though. Mary shooed the guards away once already, but I fear the king is also interested in this incident.”

“Then let´s get going!” I exclaimed and walked with Tom downstairs while Mary argued with our guard captain.

“By the gods, could you please talk your mother out of this? This letter they left is obviously a trap!” He exclaimed, quite concerned about our security.

“No, but you can accompany us.” If this was the only way of coaxing him into agreeing, so be it.

“You want to go there as well?” He asked in disbelief.

“Well, they asked specifically for me, didn´t they?”  I shrugged and went past him while Mary turned away from him as well. Mary and I took one carriage while Tom sat next to Hannah in the driver seat. Together, we left the estate with around twenty guards who all didn´t know what was going on.

“Werewolves … huh?” She said after some time.

“Yup, cute, but slightly aggressive doggos.”  I commented and smiled brightly.

“Cute? That thing went to my head. It destroyed the whole garden.” She said, looking at me with concern in her eyes.

“Yeah, I know, manners aren’t their forte.” I commented and chuckled loudly.

“… you know what, I am proud of you.” She said, taking me completely off guard.

“Eh?” I said, looking at her in wonder.

“I think you have grown today.” She stated while smiling brightly.

“Wait, I´m taller than 1.42 now?” I couldn’t believe it! I didn´t know when she measured it, but if I really grew, then maybe I could look like an adult sometime in the future. The possibilities were endless!

“No … I meant emotionally.” Goodbye, to all the possibilities. I forced myself to a gentle smile, but I knew it was incredibly shallow.

“What do you mean?” I asked, even though I could already guess the answer.

“They had children, didn´t they?” She said while grabbing around my back.

“Yeah, cute little puppies with such a soft fur!” I exclaimed and let myself be pulled into her warm embrace. It was a little less warm than … yeah, what again? It took me a few seconds until the memories washed over me again and I could compare Jacob´s warmth to what I felt then.

They were incomparable. What I felt with Jacob was pure life, while Mary´s warmth had an emotional aspect to it. And truthfully, I liked Mary´s more.

“Tom went through a few of their documents and … and … and he uncovered a bit. And yet, you haven’t killed them. Why?” She asked.

“They were innocent. Most of them didn´t even know what was going on.” I commented and let myself be pulled into her lap. Her hands went through my hair slowly, calming me down quite a bit.

“And so you spared them, deciding to deal with them later. And you did, in a rather amazing way.” She said proudly.

“What do you mean?” I asked while raising my eyebrow.

“Your wishes … you could have asked for anything. But you wished for them to forget about everything. They won´t have to live with a trauma this way … and by wishing for them to turn back into humans, you also didn´t have to deal with the problem of keeping them under surveillance. They can have a normal life … because you sacrificed the only two wishes you had.” She said, while slowly caressing my cheek. In truth, she only grasped half of what I actually accomplished with my wishes. None of them would try to take revenge on me and Mary, none of them would remember how I slaughtered their mothers in front of them. But most importantly, Jacob would forget me. He would forget how he lead me to his home, he would forget the despair he must have felt, and he would forget he couldn’t truly hate me till the very end. That’s what I owed him for helping me save Mary.

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“All my actions are part of a bigger picture, including these ones.” I claimed, even though I couldn’t back it up. The wishes I had were just too sudden for that.

“Is that so? Why didn´t you wish to be crowned queen then?” Because that wouldn’t be too hard to achieve myself?

“There are things I can do myself, and things that are impossible for me.” Like altering reality for example. The Dhinn could do it, while I certainly couldn’t.

“So you admit you did it to help them?” Yeah … kind of. But not when Aska was listening. And my guess was that he was always listening.

“No …” I said, shaking my head in her lap.

“Lucinda, your actions are telling me exactly what you think.” Well, it was pretty damn obvious this time around, wasn’t it. Come to think of, why didn´t Aska mention that I refused to kill these kids?

“That’s not true! It can´t be …” I muttered.

“Why?” She asked, certainly surprised by the despair in my voice.

“Because Aska would go crazy if I felt something for others except …” I revealed.

“… what happened?” She asked and stopped combing through my hair with her fingers.

“… he … he to… we made a deal. I would stop feeling anything for everyone except you, Sofie, Luna and Tom, and he would reincarnate you lot around me again and again.” I admitted and prepared myself for a round of disappointment.

“… why did you give up all of your feelings for that? Lucinda, I want you to live a fulfilled life. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me.” Did she not realize that without her, my life on Solaris wouldn’t mean much to me?

“… you read it?” I asked, slowly realizing that I never mentioned anything of sacrifices, which could only mean on thing.

“… yes. Pauline gave it to me earlier. I probably shouldn’t have … but I did. You did everything because of me?” She asked.

“Yes.” I admitted instantly. I could have acted differently, but that would only put her in danger. And that was definitiely something I couldn’t do.

“I don’t want you to … to use your body like that for me.” She said, holding my shoulder tightly.

“It is not a big deal.” I muttered. It truly wasn’t. I didn´t feel disgusted, had a bit of fun and that was it.

“It is. I don’t want you to do that ever again.” She said, concerned about my mental state.

“Noted.” I said plainly.

“You refuse?” She asked.

“Mum, if there is one thing I know, then it is that I will do everything to protect you. You are the only family I ever had and I won´t survive losing you.” I claimed and sat upright again, only to swing my right leg over hers and straddle her legs. I looked into her blue eyes, combed her snow-white hair out of her face and smiled brightly.

“Why? Why are you feeling that way?” I didn’t know myself. What came close to the truth though was that I wanted a family I could rely on. Maybe it was Aska´s doing once again, but I felt that once I started to call her my mother, I also thougt about her as mine. And that … was truly a wonderful feeling.

“Because you are my mother. Even though you weren’t there for me when I was born, or anytime close after that. Even though I have lived a hundred and eighty shitty years more than you, that all doesn’t matter. I feel happy when you praise me, feel sad when you rebuke me and feel incredibly alive when you take me in your arms. Mum, I want to be with you forever.” I muttered, incredibly scared to see my approaches refused by her.

“I … thank you. Thank you for being the daughter I always wished for.” A broken mess of violence and trickery, sometimes cute and cheerful? If she truly wanted that, then I naturally wouldn’t say no. She hugged me and pulled me into her bosom, probably to hide the tears of happiness streaming down her face.

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