Chapter 23: Ch. 23 – I Can Heal These Wounds

Everything that happened after that was a blur to me, but at least Lexa appeared and helped take control. While we had been storming the compound drawing all of the attention to us, Katye had used her powers to follow behind us without anyone seeing her. Shadow Meld allowed her walk through the shadows, unable to be seen, so while we were tasked to irradiate the Mountain, she slipped ahead and went to the President's Suite. Mount Weather had a self-destruct code which was used later in the seasons to destroy it by the Ice Nation, so she had to secure the room to prevent Cage or Dante from using it while we were inside.

She and Kane led most of Guardsmen down to Level Five and rescued the members of the hundred, but they left behind two guards, plus Bellamy and Raven. Indra and the other Grounders that had followed me also stayed behind and, when everyone was ready to move out, they carried the body of Lincoln. No one spoke as the survivors of Mount Weather marched out of the front door and into the dark forest. Unlike in the show, there had only been a single casualty, but it was still a knife to my heart.

I just walked numbly forward while holding onto Raven's arm with my eyes glazed over. At some point, we were met by riders who doubled up with people from Skaikru like Abby, Jackson, and Clarke who started helping the sick and injured Grounders. Raven sat me down against a tree while Bellamy and Clarke walked up a few minutes later. Clarke knelt down in front of me with a look of concern as she checked me while I just stared at the ground.

"I don't know what caused this marking," Clarke said while looking at the others since I had been unresponsive to her questions so far.

"It's a punishment," I replied, knowing what she meant without seeing it. In Diego's story, one of the villains had been a Fire Sect warrior who had used the black flames to kill dozens of people which caused his body to be nearly filled with Soul Burns. "Because of the way that I killed him... I'll have to carry the mark for the rest of my life."

"Octavia, I'm so sor..."

"I know, Clarke, I know... but it's my fault. He was only there because of me... because he didn't want me to become a monster... but he was wrong. I've been a monster since I got here. I let Wells die, Charlotte die, Murphy getting hanged, the war with the Grounders, our friends getting taken... I let it all happen," I said, breaking down into tears yet again.

Both Clarke and Raven put their arms around me, and Bellamy joined as well a moment later. They may not hold the past against me, but I did. I knew that Wells had been killed early into the show, but I never tried to warn anyone. I knew that Murphy had been innocent when they threw the rope around his neck, but I did not stop them. I knew that the surviving hundred would be taken by Mount Weather after the fight with the Grounders, but I had warned no one. Yes, there had been that prompt that would make sure certain things happen, but I had not even tried to change anything because I had been scared. If I made the wrong decision, someone close to me could have died, just like now.

"May I intrude?" a voice asked quietly from outside our group.

The three surrounding me peeled away slowly and it was Lexa who had spoken as she stood a few feet away.

"This isn't the time..." Bellamy started, but I placed a hand on his shoulder, and he stopped.

I stood up slowly and moved around Clarke to face her properly.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Lincoln was a good man," Lexa said as a few tears dripped from her eyes.

I stepped forward and hugged her tightly because she was the one person that I could be completely honest with. She had already devised a plan to ensure that Pike was dead before we could meet up with Farm Station that had landed in the Ice Nation, just to make sure that there was no chance that he could kill Lincoln, but now it was pointless. She hugged me back and we stayed like that for nearly a full minute.

"Chancellor Griffin has agreed to treat the worst of our people, so we will be heading back to your camp. Are you able to walk, or would you like one of my riders to carry you?" Lexa asked after we pulled apart.

"I can walk. The injured and sick need the help more than I do," I replied.

"Just because you do not bleed does not mean that you are not injured. Please watch over her," Lexa said, the last part to my friends.

Lexa walked away and it was clear that the whole group was ready to move again. Once she mounted her horse, everyone followed her through the forest while I fell into line at the back with Clarke, Bellamy, and Raven. It was a long and quiet walk back to Camp Jaha which left me plenty of time to wallow in my misery.

I pulled out the special music player that I had received as a reward for finding Katye and turned it on. There were dozens of premade playlists with labels like 'Workout', 'Relaxation', and 'Meditation', but I picked the one that was labeled 'Loss'. "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor was the first song to start playing through the headphones while I left them hanging on my neck instead of wearing them properly. Raven rubbed my shoulder as the music played and we walked with Clarke and Bellamy on my other side. Even if I had lost Lincoln, I still had plenty of other people that supported me and were counting on me, so I could not stop here.

When we reached Camp Jaha, the parents of the remaining kids came pouring out. Except for Monty and Harper, pretty much everyone was unharmed, but Jasper had received his own injury. I could see the pain in his eyes because Maya was dead, which I knew the feeling quite well. Abby herded the injured into Medical with Jackson and I practically had to force Clarke to go help her mother. If I had not threatened to go in there and start healing people myself, I might have never been able to convince her.

Raven and Bellamy tried to talk me into going to bed, but I refused and found my way over to the tables and chairs that had been arranged on the side of the ship wreckage. Bellamy sat down with me while Raven went to get us drinks. It was quickly becoming apparent that I was using alcohol to hide from my feelings, even more than I had in my past life, but that did not stop me when Raven handed me a drink.

The three of us kept drinking until the sun rose. Bellamy and Raven did not pace themselves and were passed out on the table while I continued sipping on my cup as I watched the camp slowly come to life with the morning. Someone walked up behind me, and I turned to see Clarke.

"Sorry... I should have told them to pace themselves better," I remarked before turning back to face the yard.

"How are you doing, Octavia?" Clarke asked.

"Oh, just peachy," I replied then finished the rest of drink with a large gulp and stood up. "I know you're worried about me, that everyone is, but the honest fact is that I have to keep working. You know what's coming. Grief is a luxury that we can't afford right now."

"But you can't ignore it either," she sighed.

"I assure you that my ability to ignore things can be counted as my seventh power," I retorted then sighed as I tried to figure out how to tell her what I was really feeling without saying anything that would contradict the story that I had already told her. "I loved Lincoln, yes, but I lost him so many years before today. I loved him, but I was not in love with him, or I would have left with him after Unity Day when I had the chance. He stayed because he was in love with me and that cost him his life... Indulging in the past is what allowed everything to happen again, and that is my fault. I can't keep doing that... Will you watch over them? I'm going to go train."

I started walking away without giving her a chance to reply, but she said something that made me stop.

"You saved Finn."

"I did..." I said as I looked over my shoulder at her, "just one of the many favors that I owe you."

I walked off after that and headed for the front gate as I used my mana to burn off the alcohol in my body. I always knew of this technique since I started working with my magic, but typically, I would rather enjoy the effects and deal with the hangover later. Now, though, sleeping it off was one of the last things on my mind.

I left camp with no difficulty since Major Byrne was on duty. My display within the mountain had been enough to prove that even if she wanted to stop me, no one here had the power to without killing me. I made my way across the grass and through the forest where some of the Grounders were still camping out.

About a quarter of the group were breaking down their tents and getting ready to move, no doubt going to escort the survivors of Mount Weather back to their homes. No one stopped me as I walked through the campground, and I heard people mumble "Graun Pulr" and "Natfaya" along my way. Asking around, I was directed to Lexa's tent where she was meeting with the delegates from the Twelve Clans. I waited a while for them to finish their conversation and I was called in after several of them left.

Lexa was sitting in her chair with Gustus at her side. Indra and a few other people were standing around as I walked in. I stopped in the center and knelt down in front of Lexa.

"Apologies for disturbing you, Heda," I said. "I had come to report to Indra but was directed here."

"I would have guessed that you had come for another matter, but that's fine as well. Our discussions have an end, so Indra, you are free to attend your Second. Please be gentle with her," Lexa said.

"Thank you, Heda," Indra replied with a small bow.

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Indra walked out of her spot and passed me on her way out. I followed behind her and did not say a word as she led me to the edge of the campground. She turned around and looked at me with her hand resting on the hilt of her sword, but her stance was relaxed.

"What is it you want, Sky Girl?" Indra asked.

"You had said that I was to begin my training after destroying the Mountain. I have done so, and now, I am reporting to you," I replied, expressionlessly.

"Take your time, girl! A few days will not change your training," Indra sighed.

"Please... I can't just sit by and do nothing anymore. That mistake had already cost someone that I cared about their life," I said softly, unable to hide the guilt that I felt.

She let out another long sigh and asked, "Where is your weapon?"

I stretched a hand out and used my power to create a stone rod that was as tall as me. The real Octavia had used Lincoln's sword as her primary weapon, but that was a step that I was not willing to take yet. Indra drew her sword and took a few steps backwards as she waited for me to make a move.

With the stone staff in my hands, I took a deep breath then took a step forward, pushing one end of my weapon towards Indra. She deflected my attack, so that I spun past her, but I tried to use that to strengthen my counterattack as I followed up with the other end of my staff. I used the phrase "tried" because before I could complete the motion, Indra delivered a heavy kick to my side which sent me stumbling backwards into the dirt.

"I thought you were the champion of a Conclave," Indra taunted.

I pushed myself up as I replied, "The last Conclave, after we had lost many people to Alie."

"Clearly," she said, unimpressed.

I sent a thrust to her stomach, but yet again, she deflected it with ease and followed up with a palm thrust to my face. I twisted my head enough to prevent her from breaking my nose, but she still hit heavy on the lower part of my eye socket which caused me to drop to a knee. Indra was not showing me any mercy as she delivered yet another strong kick, this time squarely in the chest. I was thrown to the ground yet again and I coughed up a small amount of blood.

"Does this ease your pain, Sky Girl?" Indra asked.

I spit a few times as I pushed myself back up to my feet and replied, "No."

Channeling my power through my staff, I split it in half and wielded the two ends against her. She was forced to take a step back at the sudden change of momentum, but it was only that one. She deflected my attacks with skill and quickly pushed me back into a defensive stance despite using both hands. Even with her one sword, she left shallow cuts all across my arms, with enough control that they were all the same level of deepness. My arm dropped from pain and exhaustion, and Indra used that moment to slip in between my guard and smashed the pommel of sword against my jaw. I slammed into the ground with my ears ringing and then Indra stabbed her sword into the ground, next to my head.

"Is this what Lincoln would have wanted you to do?!?" Indra snapped.

I rolled the other way as I spit out more blood and dug my fingers, trying to claw myself upright. "No... it isn't, but it's what I deserve."

"Stubborn fool," was the last thing that I remembered before Indra's boot collided with my head and the world faded to black.

I was laying on something soft and warm when I opened my eyes. I could tell that I was in a Grounder tent and, when I sat up with a groan, I found Lexa, or rather Katye, sitting in a chair at the side of the bed. She looked over the top of the book that she had been reading and stared at me for several moments before she closed the book and set it aside. She was not in armor which was a first since I had met her, and instead, was wearing a loose outfit that opened in many places revealing skin.

"If this is going to be a regular thing, you are going to have to talk to Skaikru," Katye said.

"Fine," I replied, swinging my legs off the other side of the bed.

"Rebecca... you know this isn't healthy. I know you loved Lincoln, but..."

"That's just it! I didn't! He loved me, and I used him, and now he's dead! And I have to keep pretending that I did! I have to keep lying to my friends, using them just like him!" I snapped.

Katye walked around the side of the bed that I was on and sat down next to me as I buried my face in my hands. She placed a hand on my back and sighed, "I'm sorry, Rebecca. I know none of this has been easy on you, but we're in this together. Don't forget that. It was my plan to rush the Mountain. I stayed in the suite even after I killed Cage."

I sighed and leaned into her embrace. There were no more tears to shed as a numb feeling settled deep within me. We stayed like that for a while without speaking until someone called from outside the tent.

"Heda, guests from Skaikru have arrived," the man said.

"Let them in," Katye called out.

"You called them to come here?" I accused as I pulled out of her embrace and stood up.

"They have been calling us on the radio, trying to check on you," Lexa replied as Clarke and Raven walked into the tent.

I turned my back to them, but it did little good since I was topless other than my bra. My arms were wrapped in about a dozen bandages, and there were dark bruises everywhere that Indra kicked me. There was no way that I could have hidden any of the damage that I had taken.

Lexa took the chance to stand and walked away while Clarke and Raven approached me. With a sigh, I turned back around and let them see everything. Both of them looked me with concern and sympathy, but their pity just made me feel sick after everything I had allowed to happen.

"Octavia... why?" Clarke asked.

"Because I can heal these wounds," I replied, looking away.

 

A/N: Next chapter is NSFW! Enjoy!

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